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Default Oct 14, 2022 at 03:54 PM
  #1
I cannot fix what I helped break so many years ago. T says I should try and forgive my younger self, but it's a continuum between her and me. We are the same person, basically. How can I forgive her when I am her? How, when her mistakes were my mistakes and her bad traits are mine?

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Default Oct 14, 2022 at 04:01 PM
  #2
Blame your mom! My younger self was sooooo much a clone of my mother. Im so embarrassed now. I have only bad attributes. Any good attributes, like how to be a friend, seem phony to me. I can tell a joke, but even that is just a survival sign and teeters on the edge.
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Default Oct 14, 2022 at 06:27 PM
  #3
People change, fortunately.
All you can do it try to be good starting now.
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Default Oct 15, 2022 at 08:54 AM
  #4
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Originally Posted by unaluna View Post
Blame your mom!
My mother blames her mom. I can't do that..

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Default Oct 15, 2022 at 08:55 AM
  #5
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People change, fortunately.
All you can do it try to be good starting now.
I'm good now, sort of. I still have aweful fantasies, but I'm mostly good. I simply can never repay the past.

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Default Oct 15, 2022 at 09:20 AM
  #6
Radical Acceptance. Dbt skill. You cannot change the past you have to accept the decisions you made were what you decided at the time and release all attachment to them. forgive yourself. I'm still working on this myself.

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Default Oct 15, 2022 at 12:07 PM
  #7
Thanks Aviza, I'll google that. Not sure how it can be achieved.

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Default Oct 16, 2022 at 10:39 AM
  #8
I have so much regret and frustration when I think about the past. But I've also started getting over it a bit. I guess it's been long enough.


Try to believe that something so terrific will happen to you, you wouldn't erase the past even if you could, because all those mistakes and all that pain got you that amazing something.


Also, try not to give the past so much weight. Last time I was home (my parents' house, I mean) and clearing out my old things, I came upon a box of old letters and photos from an especially painful time. I just looked at them, wondering why I had held onto them so long. I faced the fact that even if I hold onto them my whole life, when I'm gone, they're going in the garbage. So why not throw them in the garbage a little sooner and just be rid of them? Which I did.
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Default Oct 16, 2022 at 12:32 PM
  #9
I wasn't the only one who got hurt back then (as far as I believe). It seems much more difficult to give up pain I caused versus pain I went through. Yes, it caused a lot of mishap in my life. I believe I would have amounted to something great, a scientist, if this hadn't happened. But that's not the part I can't let go. I'm fine not being some awe inspiring creature, I just want a quiet life now, peace etc. To expand upon your metaphore, I've burnt the letters I received, but I cannot burn the ones I sent.

T suggested I could look into the possibility of working for a NGO or something, make up for the pain I caused. I don't know though. I don't trust myself to work in such a place. What if I am still the person I was all those years ago? What if history is to repeat itself?

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Default Oct 16, 2022 at 06:03 PM
  #10
I do know what you mean. I remember so many times I committed to something as a kid or young adult, and even back then I knew I would regret it. Then I totally flaked out and left people in the lurch, and there was always this sense of just watching the whole thing happen in slow motion. I didn't have any ill intentions, it was just some problem I had with organization or planning my time or biting off more than I could chew or being too shy to take responsibility for things, or something... To this day, so many years later, every time I agree to do something, I have this feeling of dread and I remember all those times when I was young and dropped the ball.


But you can't stop eating just because you're afraid of choking. You have to believe that you've learned things since you were younger, that you know yourself better and won't repeat the same mistakes. As long as you're open about your concerns and ask for help if you feel things are going wrong, you'll be OK.
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Default Oct 16, 2022 at 07:17 PM
  #11
I hope you are right, that I'll be okay. Thank you for your kind words. The thing is that my intent was malicious back in the day. I was filled with rage to the brim, I needed the world to burn. Restoring my faith in myself is not the easies task I ever set upon to do. Also a part of me thinks I deserve to suffer. But yes, I'll keep eating and we'll see... maybe one day I can be good and trust I won't turn.

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Default Oct 17, 2022 at 12:14 PM
  #12
When I think about it, the people who have hurt me by far the most in my life were not at all malicious people. They were really nice people who just ended up manipulating me or dragging me into their problems. In fact, I've often said that in the end, I prefer malicious people to such "nice" people--and these people were truly, genuinely, sincerely nice, with no hidden nastiness, but somehow they were really sloppy about things and it always ended up involving me. I would argue that at least people who are malicious, if they like and respect and value you, they can in theory choose to treat you well and not be malicious toward you. Whereas these "nice" but extremely destructive people can't make that choice, because they're not intentionally hurting you, all the mess and pain they create for the people around them just sort of happens by virtue of being close to them.


So I'm just trying to argue that there are also very destructive people who are not malicious. And that even if you have some malicious feelings or anger, you can choose not to act on them.
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Default Oct 17, 2022 at 12:54 PM
  #13
You are very sweet and kind. I do choose not to act on them. It's my one redeeming quality. Whether or not it is enough, I tend to think is for people to judge after I no longer am a part of this world. For what it's worth, I thing those "good" people who treated you badly, are to blame for treating you badly. We are all responsible for our actions. Espacially when children are affected, it is the adults duty to realize the effect their behaviour has on them. Their naivity etc does not absolve them of breaking that duty.

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Default Oct 17, 2022 at 03:54 PM
  #14
If we learned from that past & have made changes to our life, then we need to look at it as a learning process & a growing process rather than with regret.

I made a bad choice in my marriage & stayed in that marriage for 33 years before I walked out on it. I could have wrapped myself up in the regrets of either choice BUT I have chosen to start my life over (I was 54 at the time 15 years ago). Instead of regret, I am thankful because I love my life now & that change & growth I have made over the last 15 years is based on what I learned from my bad choices & good choices during those first 54 years of my life. I choose to focus on the positive NOW rather than wallowing in past regrets. Makes for a much more enjoyable life

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Default Oct 18, 2022 at 01:05 AM
  #15
Yes, but again I would argue that this affected your life, not anyone elses. If you had children and they were traumatised in the course of that marriage, I would find it relatable. Then I would ask how you forgave yourself. However, still, it seems different, as I am not the victim, but the potential perpetrator and no matter how long I have worked on overcoming my violent fantasies, they always come back. They are a part of me, now and seemingly always. So it is not just about regretting the past, it is about fearing what I am capable of for the future. How can I trust myself?

My father has this, too. He let it go when he was 70 or something. Frankly, he let it go when he was too weak to act upon his fantasies, which sounds about right.

All that being said, I think you did a good thing, and I find it awesome.

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Default Oct 18, 2022 at 02:32 AM
  #16
T says he wants me to see that those fantasies are just thoughts. He wants me to arrive at a point where when they appear, I'll acknowledge them like I would an old accaintance. "Oh, yes, you're also still here". I'm not sure how to get there. Then again, being as I am sick with covid, I didn't meditate much these days. It's interesting how much meditation does help.

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Default Oct 18, 2022 at 07:16 AM
  #17
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Yes, but again I would argue that this affected your life, not anyone elses. If you had children and they were traumatised in the course of that marriage, I would find it relatable. Then I would ask how you forgave yourself. However, still, it seems different, as I am not the victim, but the potential perpetrator and no matter how long I have worked on overcoming my violent fantasies, they always come back. They are a part of me, now and seemingly always. So it is not just about regretting the past, it is about fearing what I am capable of for the future. How can I trust myself?

My father has this, too. He let it go when he was 70 or something. Frankly, he let it go when he was too weak to act upon his fantasies, which sounds about right.

All that being said, I think you did a good thing, and I find it awesome.
Oh, I have a daughter who survived through those years also & my trying to survive screwed with her life too. After I left, & I knew she wasn't blaming me for leaving her dad, we had long chats about the past & I asked her to forgive me for the way I had reacted. Those talks helped me forgive myself too. & BTW I had 13 really bad years at the end where I was in & out of mental hospitals due to suicide attempts.

Leaving that environment changed my thinking & lots of good thetapy after that in my new location made a huge difference. I was blessed because when I walked out, I left the crap behind & it did not follow me 2100 miles away. That was how I knew it was all my response to my situation & not internal to me. Probably easier to forgive ones self when that realization happens. I know I am a whole new person & have worked hard to integrate that past into my understanding. Forgiveness grew out of that

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Default Oct 18, 2022 at 08:18 AM
  #18
@AliceKate I’m not sure if this is helpful (I don’t fully understand what happened in your past) but myself I always find it helpful to remember that we often do the best we can in the situation we find ourselves in. That doesn’t mean we did everything right - not at all - it means we did the best we could with the resources we had at the time. Resources meaning our family of origin, our education, social background, that sort of thing. It all feeds in to how we cope and react in any given situation.

If you think about that maybe it’s true there were factors beyond your control that lead to you making certain choices or reactions? This doesn’t mean you don’t take responsibility- you can still do that, but perhaps you can begin to understand the path you took a little better. In turn maybe self compassion may develop (don’t worry if it doesn’t at this point).

You write you are concerned about volunteering for an NCO, what if history repeats itself, you aren’t sure you trust yourself. I wonder if there are safeguards you can put in place to ensure that if there are signs you aren’t behaving as you would want to that you can take a step back and reflect? Maybe this is something you could work with a T with?

There are people who have committed serious crimes and they have served their sentences and worked on making a better life for themselves - even in these serious scenarios there’s hope when someone wants to change.
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Default Oct 18, 2022 at 08:32 AM
  #19
You guys make me cry a little... that a good thing really, so thank you. I'll reply more later. I'm not up to it right now. Hugs.

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Default Oct 18, 2022 at 01:51 PM
  #20
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Radical Acceptance. Dbt skill. You cannot change the past you have to accept the decisions you made were what you decided at the time and release all attachment to them. forgive yourself. I'm still working on this myself.

I like the concept of radical acceptance. There are no lies or games about it.

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