Those Stories You Want to Tell

Between the ages of about 8-11 I had one of my stupid obsessions which lasted a long time. It was a very embarrassing obsession, so that was bad enough but the way I talked about them was worse. I really should have kept that to myself, especially the details, and the intensity of my obsession. I would draw them everywhere and talk about them. Obviously nobody was interested but they probably realised how weird and abnormal I was (am). But at that age I wasn't aware of what was weird and abnormal, and that's probably why I didn't bother to hide my obsessions back then.

my teacher got me this cd as a leaving present from school

well, this person (who did the music) went on this programme and my parents didn't like what he did/ said so through the cd out.

I'm like... well it's not about what he did/ said, it's about what I think of his music- and I love his music, I don't like what he did either, but his songs are good- but my parents wouldn't let me keep his music even though I begged in the end (I just got down on my knees and threw a tantrum)

my last memory of that person too, and my only one of school

I'll never forget when the woman next door to us at the time came on the news doing something totally out of character

she claimed to be christian, and would often babysit me as a kid- and read bible stories and stuff

but after I saw what she did on the news.. I was completely shocked- that all this time I lived next to her

very hard to take in

Ever since my teens I've been having fake conversations with fake people in my mind. I find this helps me to work things out and make decisions. When I was younger I had imaginary friends and I used them for these conversations. Then once I started using online forums I daydreamed about that instead (mostly). Still do.

Now I think I nearly always use the fake online forum conversations rather than talking to people face to face. It's easier because I don't have to make up a face for the other person, or a scene. I just make up this nameless forum and talk to nameless people. Well obviously I am asking a question and other people are answering with different things. Eventually I come to a conclusion.

It might sound weird to everyone else but it really helps to sort things out, to put things into perspective. Also it's something I can do anywhere at any time without anyone else knowing, unless I have to really concentrate on something else, then I put it aside and do it later. Unless whatever I am doing has a problem and I'll just stop, go into a fake conversation until I get the answer and then I continue.

Most of the time it happens automatically. When I have a problem I'll just daydream the fake conversation without really thinking about it. It works though, so I won't complain.

I think it was just that I accidentally walked past the sensors with an item I had no intention of stealing (since I was 5 or whatever). Ha. Kind of funny to look back on.

I have a stealing story too.

actually I think I was around the same age (5), we went to a toy shop

and I wanted this book and mom kept saying no, no no, you can't have it- you don't need it, you won't use it, etc etc etc,

well I wasn't having that and reached my little hands to where the book was and took it anyway

getting home and knowing I had it in my hand and could use it... sweet.

I was so cheeky when I was younger- and honestly I think I'm still a little cheeky now

one year, a childhood friend of mine and her mother invited me round to spend halloween at their house, we had an okay time- some food, some scary music, etc

well, when I got home, I became quite sick- and my tummy felt rather icky

my friend suggested to sit down to wait it out, but I stood their in the hallway just trying to distract myself from the feeling

it was no good, and I ended up throwing up everywhere- absolutely everywhere (well, it was everywhere apart from on me, which I thought was a miracle given the circumstances)

my friend looked absolutely grossed out, as it just kept on coming.

well, it stopped before my mother got home, and when she did, she looked in to thee bathroom and saw it all and asked who'd been sick so violently

I wasn't really going to tell her, I knew she'd be absolutely mad if she found out it was me (she doesn't believe in me getting ill in any kind of way), so my friend told my mother it was her who'd been sick, and even offered to help clear up
this lady has moved away now, but I'll never forget her helping me out of that one

In high school we were sent on work experience. I was sent to a big shop. One day this woman asked me if we sold something (can't remember what) and I had no idea so I just shrugged and ran away instead of getting one of the other women (who worked there) to help.

I have no idea why I did that. Well turns out someone saw me, and at the end, I had to have a review thing with the boss. He told me off and said I wasn't suitable for working in a shop because of that. I almost cried because I got told off.

And a few years later I asked for help in a shop and the guy shrugged and walked away. And I actually had the nerve to whinge and complain about how bad he was. I did feel this stirring in me, that I had done exactly the same thing and this was just what I deserved, but I tried to ignore it.

I am really terrible.

You are not really terrible.

I really need to manage my time better. I tell myself that I will go to bed at a decent hour so I can get up and finish my final project and study for a test.

Noooo I decide to play video games until past 2AM.

FML

when my mother first found out I had bipolar disorder, she litirally flipped her lid

she'd been abusive to me in the past (just because I was born, I was a girl, and she hated that), but when she found out i had bipolar, she packed my case, told me I was an utter disgrace to everything the family stands for, and threw me and my case out in to the cold night

I remember it really well. it was a friday evening, around 5 PM, and everyone that lived by us was watching (either from their windows, or some from the garden)

I was, well, very upset and confused

here I was, newely diagnosed with a mental illness, and here my mom was- the person who was meant to help me and the person I am meant to look up to, turning her back on me

I was so young and so scared

my mom tells people I work as a lawyer (I think she does it because she's ashamed I can't work)

well she'd just told one of her friends about this, theresa

so she came in and goes to me- your mom tells me you had a busy day today being a lawyer, what cases did you settle?, and was it hard work?

I was speechless

A, I know nothing about law, so wouldn't have been able to answer the question anyway

B, even if I could work, I'd doubt I would want to be a lawyer (I always wanted to be a vet)

I sat their for like 10 minits in silence, then just told her look theresa, I'm not a lawyer- my mom's got it all wrong

in sted of understanding she lifted her hand and punched me in the face and called me a liar

I'm just glad I didn't start lying about law cases... I wouldn't have had a clue

one time a few years ago my mom wrote me on email saying she had something for me ( a christmas card)

I replied saying that I didn't want to see her, but if she wanted to post me the card, she could.

she responded saying a courier was on his way to my house with the christmas card

well this courier ended up being one of my childhood abusers. he showed up on my doorstep and started



I had to go to hospital, and then I felt a real fool because my mom wrote me afterwards saying she never really had a christmas card, she just wanted to see what i'd do

never again. fact

I thought my negative daydreams about obsessions started when I was 19, but now I realise it was when I was around 12. Though they were nothing compared to the ones I have now.

Yay I get to wake up early and go to boring *** work all day.

I am tired of doing things I don't enjoy to make a living. I need to do something about it soon.

I love the smell of smoke.

I'll smell it in the air, or I'll smell it on someone, and want to be in that location- as close as possible for as long as possible- I just love the smell and it makes me feel comforted

well, a few years ago, I was standing idly by the railings and a man and woman were smoking nearby. it was nightime, but I could still smell the smoke on the night air- it was pure heaven, it was one of those moments to just cherish

well, the woman came over because she thought I was smelling her, not the smoke

she goes... excuse me, do I smell?. I notice you're smelling in my direction.

I'm like uh, no, you're fine. actually it's the smell of smoke I like.

and then she spoke with the guy for a while, then came back over and offered me one

of course, I said no

snoking is something I'll never do- despite liking the smell of it



I ended up walking away in to the night

I was really young at the time, but it was my first taste of people being nice. those emergency services people really made me feel safe and comforted- and at the time I was so scared, so it really helped

coming home from a trip 1 afternoon, the driver put on this song on a cd- and it really relaxed me

I asked her what it was, and she goes.. oh it's shine on you crazy diamond by pink floyed

I felt so bad, because I'd just got angry at someone for liking them (well not angry, a bit confused how they could like something with no lyrics), and I myself threw away cds of dark side of the moon and the wal that were braught for me

but hearing that made me want to give them another chance- not just them, classical music in general

I still can't say I'm the biggist pink floyed fan (I can't name half of their stuff still), but I do like classical now- especially movie sounddtracks. I oe some of that to my music teacher, but a great majority to pink floyed

one of my favorite toys used to be a language master- this thing that you could play games on, look up words, etc

it was the first time a toy broke without my help- so it ran out of batteries, and despite changing them, the toy wouldn't work- I think at the time I probably thought, well, I didn't do anything to it, of course it wworks- and I became a very upset, violent little girl

as strange as it sounds, it was my first real sense of loss. I was small, and I thought the only way toys could break is if I myself broke them

seeing something break without me doing anything felt... weird

I know now, but this was years and years ago

When I was about 18, I had a huge crush on a guy from a rock band. I put a big picture of him in my sig on ezboard (online forum site where you could use the same account on different forums made on the site, it doesn't exist anymore now).

I got banned from one forum because the picture was too big, they didn't even warn me. After that someone on another forum warned me about it, so I changed it to something smaller.

The guy wasn't even my "type" so I have no idea why I had a crush on him anyway.