Unsolvable life situation?

I just don't understand how I can improve my life. The thing crushing it is not going away.

What is the thing crushing it?

This:

"My people issues aren't simply about lack of trust... it's more like I just don't know how close relationships (friendships... romantic is even worse) work with girls... and I can no longer handle it when they do sh_it. It's a long story. Basically one day I just started to want to have good active close relationships (friendship, romantic), I was decently fine without too much of a need for that before. And I also had emotional dysregulation start at the same time. And it all just doesn't work. After 6.5 years at this I really am nearly done in... And I can't restore my earlier state where I was more oblivious of people stuff and not needing/wanting much. Well I would be aware of wanting a romantic relationship at least but I would easily defer it to the future. So it was ok... no longer ok. If I could at least restore my earlier attitude, I'd be a bit better, though sure I was not fully functional in that earlier state, but I was partially quite functional."

Maybe try taking a whole night for self care. A nice warm bath, reading a relaxing book or magazine, a cup of tea, and some nice music etc. Once you’ve done all that, sit down and take the enneagram test
Perhaps being in a less stressed state of mind will allow you to get a conclusive result on the test.

We are the sum total of what has happened to us in our life, and how we have dealt with what has happened to us. Sometimes events teach us, often events veer us off course and irrevocably change who we were meant to become. Life has a funny way of messing up our best laid plans and dreams.

Learning to compromise has been one of my great life lessons...where I am now in my life resembles nothing of my dreams from when I was young, the dreams of where I thought I would end up. Life is messy and mean and can devastate us at the least expected turn, but we must not allow these events to cripple our future. Letting go of all those things that we can't change, and finding a new purpose is key. With will and tenacity we can all shape a hopeful future...even if it isn't the future we dreamed of.

Please be kind and generous to yourself tevelygo. The inevitability of death makes 'life' so very important.

But how do you compromise in my situation? It's too extreme. For compromise I need to learn to kill all human need in myself for connection with others, yes?

Also! I'm re-reading this article too:

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...nful-emotions/

It says:

"Van Dijk shared this example of wallowing: “Wow, I got so angry with Joe today; it was awful. And I can’t believe he said that in the first place, the jerk. I hate feeling this way, and I hate that it’s stuck with me and ruined my day. This was the last thing I needed.”In contrast, she shared this example of acknowledging her feelings while refocusing on the task at hand: “OK, here come the thoughts about what happened with Joe earlier today. That anger is coming back again; I feel it like a knot in my stomach. Here’s the hurt about what he said, and I’m noticing judgments about Joe. But I’m just driving home right now, and that’s what I’m going to bring my attention to. I dealt with the situation, there’s nothing else to be done, and I’m just driving home right now.”"

But I can't do this. I can try to do this with my rational side but the dysregulated emotional side just overpowers it. Such a mental boundary cannot be kept because the dysregulated emotional side is too strong and passes over it anyway. I think this is a big part of my problem. Suggestions for this??? Thank you

And I do realize that while I think like this: "But how do you compromise in my situation? It's too extreme. For compromise I need to learn to kill all human need in myself for connection with others, yes?"

...it will remain bad. But how do I change this view? I mean, I don't even know what's going on. I mean, many people do manage to make connections fine and can deal with/tolerate issues in the relationships if they start cropping up a bit. I either view this wrong or I really do lack some essential skills for people and for emotions (that I can never develop). I DON'T KNOW WHICH IS TRUE?

Hi. Maybe it's true that you do lack some essential skills - at present - but it doesn't mean those skills can't be developed. Who cares how long it takes so long as you're putting in the effort, I mean you have a mental illness right? So, life is going to be difficult. But just in the same way things can deteriorate, things can also improve, tevelygo.

I see you're making the same excuses over and over again here: "my situation is too extreme", "I'm unfixable", etc. There is also a huge amount of negative and self defeating behavior going on as well. I highly suggest looking into CBT or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for this. Its a form of therapy that works by helping you recognize the negative, self defeating thoughts and inatead, thinking of positive and constructive ways to help you through difficult situations. You'd be suprised how well this works.

MY BLOG IS NOW CONVENIENTLY LOCATED HERE!!
[UPDATED: 4/30/2017]

LIFE IS TOO SHORT, TOO VALUABLE AND TOO PRECIOUS A THING TO WASTE!!

I don't think they can be developed beyond a point to be honest. I tried already and it was extreme pain. I'd rather people not expect me to be able to meet the social norms for some people skills stuff. If they expect it and I try to work by it that's when I have extreme pain too. I hope this made sense.

Excuses lol...? I've been trying at this for 6.5 years. I made a list in an earlier post in this thread about a few of the things I've tried in these years.

I'm familiar with CBT but it doesn't solve the actual problems, it can only change your way of thinking but sometimes the actual situation is what needs ot be changed.

Quite honestly, your post made me feel even more pain because it reminded me of how long I was trying with positive and constructive thinking. I am so sick of all that by now. My resources are exhausted.

Otherwise, yes, I am aware that I am negative and it does feel self-defeating because of the exhausted resources.

6.5 years isn't much to scoff at. I've been trying to overcome my mental health issues for far longer. You just need to keep at it. Remember, the darkest hour is right before dawn.

MY BLOG IS NOW CONVENIENTLY LOCATED HERE!!
[UPDATED: 4/30/2017]

LIFE IS TOO SHORT, TOO VALUABLE AND TOO PRECIOUS A THING TO WASTE!!

I agree with a lot of what Artchic says here. I was refraining from commenting because I didn't want you to see this as an attack, but I do see a lot of dismissing of possible solutions. It feels like, to me, that you may approach each possible treatment like it will fail anyways. That's the impression I'm getting. It could be wrong.

So the question is, can you approach treatments more optimistically and really try to make it work, versus assuming it won't? (Again this is just the impression I get, could be wrong.)

CBT, I think, would be a good start for you. It seem like you have a lot of ANTs - automatic negative thoughts. Thoughts that pervade your mind without you even realizing it that sabotage your ability to progress.

I know you want to see change right away, but progress on this is slow. Think of your whole life and how many years it took you to get this way...it could be the same number of years to change it all. I know that sounds bleak, but the point is progress. There is no end-game. The only end game for all of us is death, so all we can really do is continue to improve.

If this doesn't resonate with you or isn't accurate, please just disregard, it's just what I've been interpreting from your thread.

Good luck,
Seesaw

I would not like to compare mental issues. Thank-you.

One thing I disagree with: I don't NEED to keep at it, I can decide to commit suicide.

Who says I "need" to keep at it? For what reason?

PS: If you dislike this post, that's totally okay. I'm negative and I know that. I don't wish to make you feel bad too though, so if you don't like this, you are free to leave this thread, I won't get offended. (You are free to stay too, of course, I don't have a problem with you otherwise.)

Thanks for the input but yeah this impression is wrong.

I AM in a negative state now, yes, it does not mean that I approached every treatment in a pessimistic way. No. I approached all of it positively. My resources are just exhausted so yes I am far more negative now than ever before, but please don't assume that I was the same in the past. I was not. I hope this clarifies.

I really tried to make all of them work. Like I said in an earlier post here, the last therapy I've tried / been trying is called interpersonal theory. The problem is apparently that it's based on certain existing people-related/emotional skills. That might be why it's been pure torture and not getting me anywhere.

Like I said, I've done CBT before.

The problem is, CBT can only change how you think. Sometimes it's the situation that also needs changed. And in this case this part depends on other people, not me.

I read that one important thing in depression is to get social support. That is what I am failing to get in real life... instead I met with really cruel reactions when I trusted some of my friends and asked for help before. (They are no longer my friends.)

Because of that, I didn't dare to ask the person who I'd like to call my best friend. I asked her today. If she behaves in the same way I am done.

Okay, but my problem is that my resources are exhausted. I simply do not know how to go on. It's what it is.

So now I'm just blindly trying to do whatever things, it might make all of it worse, sure, I don't know.

I have been able to get out of the true suicidal mindset recently but I don't know if next time I will be able to.

Don't worry.

I really do not want CBT and the like anymore, yeah, I just want someone to care and show affection more than these "friends". And In Real Life. Not online. And regularly. And who understands and accepts that my people skills suck. CBT and the like don't give me that.

Have you tried meet up groups that talk about common interests, or ones that invite people to just come and talk? That’s a good place to find potential new friends (if meaningful connections is what you truly crave).

Thanks for the input. Yeah I'd be interested in this Well I mean once I'm able to get past the previous experiences. I know I'm too stuck in it but I haven't found a way to get past enough to also feel like I can trust that other relationships will work out better. It's like... these people were very important to me. And all of it went bad. OK, I'm just repeating myself. I mean I can sometimes have glimpses of positivity like thinking of ideas like yours here now, and then I could almost act on that but then it's all gone quickly.

Like I said, I'm not even sure what's going on with me getting reallly really really REACTIVE emotionally, like I posted earlier that I was reading some article on here on how to deal with bad emotions and I got into pain just from reacting to the article.

Does this have a name, whatever it is am I going through?

Okay, like I said, it was just my impression and I dont' know all the details, so I figured it was possible my impression wasn't accurate on limited info...so totally understanding what it's like to have tried like everything and get no results, what ended up helping me start to make changes was reading "Awaken the Giant Within" by Anthony Robbins. Should be available at the library. I, like you, tried everything over the last 4 years. All kinds of therapy, hospitalizations, TMS, meds, blah...nothing worked or helped. I was fed up and wanted change. I saw a quote from this book and it resonated with me so I checked out the book from the library. Changed my life. I credit it with all the progress I've made over the past 4 months.

Sorry if that's a trite suggestion, but it did help me.

Seesaw