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tevelygo
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#61
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Does this make sense? Quote:
As for the external circumstances, sure, I do want some things and do like to achieve those. It's a natural instinct that I don't really want killed. To be more precise here, I'd be able to choose to go and vegetate for the rest of my life - no suffering but also no involvement in life, just eat, drink, sleep - but I don't really want that just yet. A part of mine wouldn't mind throwing in the towel like that but the rest of mine doesn't. I would not call it a "certain set of external circumstances". It's a bit more flexible view than that. So maybe that's not an issue in my case? I guess, on second thought, with people specifically maybe I did want a "certain set of external circumstances". Some regularly available connections and good feelings with people. Quote:
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I mean... What I'd like to achieve is maybe partially overlapping with this but in another way it's different. Here's what it is: I'd like to be able to live life fully with the aspects mentioned above. Experience connection with people more while being able to deal with all of it in my own way that works for me. If there's such a way. It includes self-respect of course, so I would agree on self-acceptance (I just call it self-respect). I am not entirely sure what's meant by completeness/wholeness. Quote:
And... I've already had enough isolation and disconnection really. So my gut tells me the right direction for me is more involvement. Unless I really do find it's not possible. But! I did solve the current circumstance that was posing an issue - I managed to talk with that friend of mine and it actually ended up well!! And I understood some things I didn't before! That's why I'm past that crisis thing that was building up for a while. Quote:
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I blocked out so much of the world by my quit from emotionally reacting/being involved in stuff. I blocked out so much I started being nonfunctional though I wasn't too bad. But it was not sustainable forever... The rest of what you say about internal issues is also true, though since I'm alexithymic, I will never get to feel these things in the same way as most people. Quote:
Can I ask, what do you mean by "allowing themselves to be vulnerable"? Quote:
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But I do know that emotional baggage needs to be treated in some way so I get that part of your idea. Quote:
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See why it's so non-trivial? Can you tell me what this thing was that you were seeking and once found, it changed everything? If it's not too personal? Last edited by tevelygo; Mar 17, 2018 at 10:48 AM.. |
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tevelygo
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#62
Yeah lol, it's overdone. I did read a few bits of the book since then, I find it's not what I need, but the positive attitude was nice I guess, and there were a few interesting bits about emotion processing though it did not really answer my biggest questions in that area. But the book was not written for alexithymics so I'm not expecting it to solve all my issues lol. What I did also like was the notion of focusing on your vision more often. I do this by default already, but I kind of got a bit of extra perspective on this... sorry hard to explain. I had to add my own understanding to that bit afterwards. But really what helped in this crisis was talking with my friend (that last friend). And, as a result, resolving a fundamental misunderstanding of mine on how she relates to me. I do not think any self-help book can replace real friends, really.
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Sassandclass
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#63
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I wonder if maybe the stress from this personal crisis has triggered an emotionally reactive state in you (??) I know that has happened to me before. I’m usually happy, but I suffered through a severe personal upset. It threw me into this dark place emotionally and I lost a lot of “friends” who were unwilling to stand by me. It was such a painful experience. I still have resentment deep down for the people who walked out on me while I was suffering |
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tevelygo
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tevelygo
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#64
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Sassandclass
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tevelygo
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#65
That last friend who I managed to talk to in my crisis (and hence my crisis got solved) crapped out on me now.
So now what? I cut her off too? Then I really just can't manage relationships with ANY of the people who would be/were so important to me? SEE NOW WHAT'S SO UNSOLVABLE IN MY SITUATION? |
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tevelygo
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#66
And what I thought was a positive insight in my crisis, it was meaningless lol
Lol no I don't understand people any better even though I thought it all made sense then with the "insight" (the "insight" was specifically about my friend's attitudes but it was wrong) So like, I'm supposed to get rid of toxic relationships yeah? All of them were that category??? Or do I just expect too much? Or what? Last edited by tevelygo; Mar 18, 2018 at 02:17 PM.. |
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tevelygo
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#67
Someone tell me this: about what percentage of people are mature enough to be willing to think things over after an issue and find their own responsibility in it, due to openness to the other person's issue and expressed feelings? I mean, no one is able to see it all perfectly in the heat of the moment but at least give it effort afterwards. And I am not even talking about close relationships, this applies to any relationship, because whatever you do in any other relationship is what you will do in close relationships too.
So. I just want to know this percentage. Any estimate? Thanks. |
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tevelygo
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#68
I also think I just was/felt unconsciously neglected for so long that I do not understand it now and take it all negative if someone doesn't do "good enough treatment" towards me, especially if that's someone I care so much about and where I did suppress a lot of feelings of feeling neglected about whatever stuff and other feelings of stress in general (taking on a lot of stressful tasks for these people, trying to solve their problems etc).
I mean, sure maybe these people did not act the best way, maybe they even ignored my feelings sometimes, yes, then at other times they did care, and I cannot follow it anymore, as to how much they really care, because when I try to express it when I feel negative about something, that just doesn't seem to go well. My issue is I do not know how to get past all these feelings. It's like all other people know how to relate to others without seeing every negative bit as catastrophic or something. And I don't know how to and I don't know how I even got into this state where I see things like this and react like this. I DON'T KNOW WTF IS GOING ON WITH THIS? It is like I am psychotic almost. I did have two psychotic episodes before and I've been trying to get back to normal since then and of course I don't have delusions or disorganized thinking etc now but all this just feels like the emotional part of me is psychotic anyway, even if other parts of me are no longer psychotic. That part of me is just seriously out of touch with reality, and the more I care about someone, the worse. Am I making any sense to anyone here? |
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Quarter life
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#69
I too lament the years lost and opportunities squandered. Time has seemed to stand still for me, years & years of wading through bouts of debilitating depression, coupled with my fear and dread of the world.
Mental illness bought on by an accident of birth, trauma, environment, faulty brain chemistry or associated illness/circumstances… is for all of us a heavy cross to bear, and is almost always exacerbated by those around us who perpetually tell us that we just aren't good enough, that we are damaged, that we have no value as citizens of the world.....a heartbreaking waste of life. So where to from here?...how do we find our place in the world? A place where our endeavors are valued? A place where we can strive, accomplish and be all the better for it? Well to start with we need to be realistic….I would have loved to have been a dancer…but at my stage in life this just isn’t going to happen. However…I do have skills, bankable skills that I have slowly nurtured over my years of dark exile. Yet choosing how and where to use these skills is the hard part…Self doubt, fear of ridicule, and indeed failure all come into play causing us to procrastinate and bemoan the inertia of our lives. I spent many many years in therapy and medicated...it wasn’t until I started implementing changes by modifying my thinking and behavior that I began to move forward...It was like the gears on my life had been out of whack, the only way forward it seemed was to realign them. Several years ago...I took a long hard look at my list of personal beliefs and my reactions to the world, including my constant worrying of what others thought of me. Some of my ideas were keeping me safe, but most were toxic, outdated or downright ridiculous. I have now come to appreciate that 99% of people care little about what I think or what I do...they care more about their own lives. I now understand that I can’t wait around for others to tolerate, validate, laud or honour me...I must do that for myself. The worst choice we can make is waiting for others to choose for us, or waiting for permission to choose, as we may spend our lives choosing nothing at all. Should I have chosen sooner?... of course I should have, but what is more important is that I have chosen NOW…and am so excited to see what the world has in store for me. I wish you all the best in moving forward tevelygo.....find your place and live to it, live to the fullness of it. That really is all that's required imo. __________________ The devil whispered in my ear, "You cannot withstand the storm." I whispered back, "I am the storm." |
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tevelygo, Wild Coyote
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tevelygo
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Location: Hungary
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#70
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That reality is: 1. I have no relationships and it turns out I also have no way to build them and my emotional side is almost like psychotic with how crazy it's gone about all this. 2. I have a motivation issue, very hard to get down to work. It seems very tiring to even try. It is very hard to get my brain to load up the dopamine or whatever it needs for that. 2) is especially upsetting because after 1) failed I decided to try and get work to be functional again at least in that area of life, but it turned out to be like this... Quote:
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I don't get the idea on waiting for others to choose for me lol (sorry but I really don't get that). Quote:
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tevelygo
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Location: Hungary
Posts: 191
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#71
I've been doing some serious reading about alexithymia since yesterday evening when I accidentally stumbled on an article that shocked me with how accurate some of the stuff was in it. Since then I've read Sifneos's original paper too (he coined this term originally), and that shocked me even more. And other writings... Maybe this is actually something useful finally... It's actually given me some positivity about some relationship stuff despite some pessimistic sounding prognoses in those papers (not all of it was pessimistic). It made me see my role in some issues better. (Along with other people's roles too, of course.) That helps and I started feeling better about some reactions of some people too. And the chat today with some members was very good too - thank you all again for that!
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tevelygo
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#72
OK if anyone still remembers this lol idk.. ...... Then the answer to what all this was - it was a suicidal state.
And I had it because I got more emotional than usual, because I tried a BCP (yes birth control pill). Those often make me too emotional. But of course, it was good for showing me what bad emotions I have underneath the detachment and my trying to find constructive solutions by default. Rereading some posts, I had to laugh at the one that mentioned I seem to have many ANTs / automatic negative thoughts. Yeah the BCP made them conscious and allowed them verbalisation. I repress that side by default and I find ANTs ridiculous by default. But yeah well it showed me how suicidal and low on resources I was underneath trying to intellectualise away everything by default. I still am low on resources...but not suicidal usually except when under severe enough stress which does happen ... I am also seemingly still in the same bad place. I am still just, sleep, eat, try to work, failing to do so, stress, stress, stress, pressure increasing, I lose sleep, trying to work and not sleeping, then bad emotions come out, I try to process them to feel positivity finally, then I rest from the strain of all that, and then I'm able to start working. Then I catch up on lost sleep then cycle restarts. No time to go outside, to do anything fun, I lost all friends, that friend too that I spoke of in the thread earlier. Etc Well that's that. The one thing where I have progress is I have more emotions by default now. Too many tbh even without BCP, idk if it's entirely progress lol... My only hope is that it is (Hey my emotions are close enough to the surface / to awareness now that I could feel myself protest to how I said I find ANTs ridiculous. Invalidating myself, ha.) |
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ShaneG
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#73
I sometimes think this with regard to escaping my situation.
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tevelygo
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tevelygo
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#74
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mountainstream
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#75
Thank you for this post.
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ShaneG
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#76
Well basically, the same as what's displayed here and upon many hearing voices, mental health, gang stalking & cyber abuse forums, the amazing amount of detail that gets recalled and compared by me is resounding that they are uncanny the same type of psych assault or a strange anomaly in a time when COVID also comes across within the same methodology seemingly not by any involvement by anybody.
to put it in one short example, it would be like branding you bipolar due to being a victim of doxing. |
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