Unsolvable life situation?

My current situation: my coping resources have been overwhelmed for years, in terms of, I have not been able to get back to normal functioning. I can choose either between facing endless incredible pain (at best emptiness until the pain comes) or between distraction. Neither state is functional.

Why: I don't have my friends anymore. I spent years on trying to spend more time with them, it all ended in a disaster. The last remaining friend (who I'd have liked to call my best friend) has not had time for me since last summer except once and then I could see all she wanted was go home. (She's a bit depressed too, though, but I'm not sure if it got worse for her or why this behaviour.) Kind of ready to have it ending with her in disaster too. Female friends are just too complex with negative personal judgments etc. And forget about a good relationship (romantically), that stuff ended in a disaster too. I'm unable to feel connected in such a context anyway and this has been this way for a very long time.

The (not working) suggestions I get: find some hobbies, or whatever, idk, stuff like that. No hobby is going to fix this. Therapy also doesn't work. I'm alexithymic and the typical therapy techniques asking me to talk about my feelings or asking me what I think about personal situations don't work. I spent 3 years trying various psychologists. The last one specializes in interpersonal therapy, the last time I was there it just ended with very painful crying about my last remaining friend (a couple weeks ago).

Question: Are there some general (yet specific enough) guidelines/action plan or anything else for such a situation? Or should I just resign myself to suicide (or to completely vegetating at best)?

[Sorry for any mistake, I'm not a native speaker - but i like the forum, so here I am]

You seem very disappointed by the situation.
Would you like to tell something more about it?

You write that you can get back to normal functioning... do you mean psychologically? Or does it involve also problems such as work, family?

I just do not see how it can be fixed. Can it? How?

Yes it involves problems with work etc.

I just want to know this one thing. This is the only one glimpse of hope to me now based on some reading I did recently. Does anyone have the experience that they push themselves through all the pain until they felt all the pain (if that's even possible or feasible), and then were they able to return back to normal functioning simply by having processed it, and then I don't know, gain the ability to have a go at trying relationships again or whatever else they failed with previously that caused all the pain?

And how long does that process take... years?

If you are referring to psychological pain, then YES! - absolutely...

Emotional pain. And how long does it take in the type of situation I am in?

When you said 'how long does it take'... That's such an open-ended question because everyone is rather unique in how they operate and process things. So it's kind of like asking someone 'How long does it take to learn the guitar', when in reality some people will learn and pick it up much quicker than others.... So understand that it's not practical for anyone to really give you any sort of time frame...

I can share with you that there was a 5 year period of my life when I experienced significant emotional purges (releases) and profound internal realizations and epiphanies - which combined served to completely transform my inner-life... In hindsight I can tell you that I feel full acceptance for my life experiences - and that all of the prior suffering and hardship feels like it was absolutely worth it. That there was a purpose behind it, and it was leading me somewhere important (internally).

Tevelygo, I can't tell you how long your own healing and transformation will take to play out - but I can tell you to keep going because I have seen (experienced) what's waiting for you on the otherside of the suffering/pain/hurting - and it's beautiful. You were meant to work your way through this... And by the way, it's completely natural to not know where things are leading and what the outcome will be. You're sort of blindly navigating your way through the dark and faithful that you will eventually find the light... It will happen - you just have to stay focused and maintain the intention and willpower to push forward....

Oh. I've had a lot of internal realizations, analyzing forever, for years now. But I did not have the emotional purges much before... I mean I guess I did have small bits of that but only infrequently. I actually made that process speed up... too successful in speeding it up, though. (I didn't even know that this was going to be the result of the internal change I was doing.)

Thanks, these are nice words...

BTW I did have some realization today: that I don't need people that much, that I don't have to force anything about that, about relationships, I can just go back to how I was before when I was still clear on what I actually needed and what I did not need. After deciding this, I felt like I found a bit more equilibrium and capacity to enjoy things on my own. I do still have leftover anger/bitterness/disillusionment about people, sure.

So anyway, I don't know if this kind of realization is in the right direction but I liked a lot of its effects. I didn't like the extra anger that also resulted, but I guess it's better than pain.

Wolfgaze: I read this other post of yours now here... Where you say: "Something which wasn't fully processed and released". What is PROCESSING? I'd like to know what things/steps it consists of.

Then you say: "Something which is still being stored inside you. It's quite common and natural for children to suppress and even repress difficult and challenging emotions that are experienced during their youth only to have that same emotional energy resurface later in life"

I feel like I am trying to get out of the distracted mode blocking out a big part of the world/life/people that I got "installed" when I was 18 so yeah I guess I was in my "youth" then. I did not have anything as significant as that before that, I was able to react emotionally before that, and couldn't when I was 18.

Then you say: "You said you keep thinking about it every moment and it's driving you mad. WRITE OUT everything that's on your mind concerning these circumstances."

My problem is by default I can't write it out because I'm not even able to see what makes me feel so negative. I just do not feel the direct connection to any cause. And I'm tired of guesswork. OK well recently I did manage to get a glimpse of a direct connection feeling that the problem is as at age 18, that I'm not ok with certain people stuff + romantic relationships. Still it is incredibly difficult for me to put this into words that directly get at the matter. I'm told when I write like this, I sound like heavily intellectualizing and that's probably true. So yeah it's difficult to find the direct words for the problems.

Oh well I tried now as I am writing here to you - and I just got very angry I guess. So I guess I did right now find a real felt connection to the issues but...

So really my options are, feel emotional pain or feel anger, well the latter is a bit easier to tolerate, but is it that much better an option?

"It's very cathartic. No one has to read it but your eyes only. You don't even have to save what you write - it's the writing process that facilitates healthy processing of thoughts/emotions that are afflicting us. You have to get it 'out there' and off your chest."

The thing is if I focus on the issues directly, after having been able to define it to see it clearly enough, I just get angry, like I said, and that anger doesn't dissolve just by writing/talking about it because it instead compels me to action. Violent action of course (e.g. to punish an offender)... So is that really an option?? That's the only thing that would at least temporarily dissolve the anger.

I read I can also try accepting that yeah, I'm feeling angry, blah blah, but if I do that, the problems still remain. Anger itself is directed at taking direct action to solve the problem but I doubt this kind of problem gets solved by anger, actually. So what else is an option that actually works? Nothing?

You say: "The distraction strategy won't work and will only be delaying the inevitable."

Yeah I guess I agree with this in terms of how it means you miss out on some part of the world/life and miss out on solving issues too.

"Just write everything down with no filtering or censoring on your part. Read over what you write - it will help you reflect upon and be more aware of what's unfolding. You said you don't know what you're supposed to do to 'get rid of it'.... You are going to steer/guide yourself towards an internal 'place' (state) whereby you will finally allow yourself to consciously acknowledge and experience (process) whatever it is that you've been holding onto inside of you. A very significant emotional release (purging) will transpire, and once that happens, you are going to feel like a serious weight was lifted off your shoulders - and you will lighter. It's all going to be worth it... Keep going!"

This sounds all very good but I've been this going on for half a year and it's not getting better. ??????

Yesterday's realization bit no longer has an effect. I'm back to the bad ****. It's like that with all these realizations... None of them work for long.

So what would count as ACTUAL processing, because I guess whatever I'm doing isn't processing properly??

*deleted*

I realize whatever I'm doing isn't processing properly because I just remain to see the things that happened as friends being unreliable, uncaring, and guys as untrustable (I'm female), etc. The friends part is worse though... or it's more like I'm able to SEE and react to that more, and the guys part is probably worse in actuality and I can't even get to react to it fully still. And the interpersonal therapist that I visited again yesterday said it's normal for friends to be unreliable???? And that you are supposed to just find other friends and keep moving on to new and new friends????

Oh that visit... it was lasting 90 minutes and because of the topics I just kept crying (well trying to hold it back but...), and at the end I felt like I did the hardest ever workout. My stomach felt like being stabbed etc. I'm not sure this is good? Or?

She actually asked if we should continue with this therapy because it just seems like torture to me but I said it's ok, let's go on and see if it gets anywhere. Idk if it will get anywhere... The next appointment is in 2 weeks because I'm supposed to be working on a job next week (if I don't completely fail at being able to work!!), but I don't mind having some rest from that I guess.

Except it isn't really rest, it's just slightly less torture here at home. And I can't do the job I'm supposed to work on.

So yeah. Someone please talk to me and help me see a bit more clearly as to what the hell is even going on and what I can expect about getting somewhere from all this, what kind of general guideline to focus on.

I mean I have tried the following:

- trying to identify and process feelings and analyze them and their causes ---> didn't lead anywhere
- journaling as part of that (I have hundreds of pages of it by now) ---> I did successfully build up a narrative for some stuff but I can't do anything with that!
- therapy with various psychologists ---> got nowhere, either didn't get to establish communication well, or it felt like being in a rabbithole with too much intellectual analysis leading nowhere, or torture without seeing any clearer, again leading nowhere
- trying to work on relationships in general, including trying to take care of other people's feelings, help my friends in their life with practical and other matters (ok this part comes naturally to me but I got extremely extra-focused on it), and trying to conform to all expectations when negatively judged by others ---> stress got impossible to tolerate after a while and it was not appreciated by them
- trying to dismiss the negative feelings ---> they keep coming back (for certain feelings I can find the strength to not get into it but emotional pain and anger are two emotions that keep returning! especially the pain)
- trying to return to work instead of dwelling in the negatives ---> I'm finding the stress impossible to handle too often
- trying to set real life goals to focus on to do the work for that ---> that was very motivating actually but soon same stress issue
- trying to let go of all distraction strategies (and force-feed motivation to myself to do things despite strong pain coming up as a response to that) to work on issues and just do life and work in general ---> after a while it's impossible to tolerate the stress
- medications ---> none worked or not for long

What else can I do?

Hi
From your description of your actions it made me wonder what personality enneagram type you are. Do you know? I suspect you may be a “2” which is a giver or helper. I am as well. I have found some of the exact problems from life because of this.

Here’s a brief description:

Enneagram Twos have a motivational need to be liked and appreciated. Twos value relationships and as a result kindness, generosity and self-sacrifice are important to them. Twos strive to make the world a more loving place, primarily by offering support and attention to those they care about. At their best, Twos are unconditionally supportive, able to practise self-care and offer the gift of humility to themselves and the world around them. Less-healthy Twos may seem flattering and manipulative as they ‘give to get’, motivated by a deep belief that they don’t deserve to be loved for who they are.

Typical Thinking Patterns:

As Twos are very thoughtful and considerate, they are finely attuned to the needs of others, including those needs others are not even aware of themselves. Since Twos spend a lot of mental energy on connecting to the needs of others, their thoughts are likely to be filled with other people and their needs, futures or desires, while rarely centering on the Two’s own needs, future and desires. The Enneagram Two enjoys being valuable and important to people or groups and feeling indispensable connects them to a sense of pride and self-worth. This pride may be expressed as an inflated self-importance in being needed and of service to others, which may impact on interpersonal dynamics. Because Twos are very attuned to and aware of the social relationships of the people around them, they may needlessly worry about the people in their significant relationships.

Blind Spots

Twos may not be aware of the subconscious or hidden intention behind their generosity, caring and supportive activities. Being helpful may mask deeper motivations.
Twos may pay attention to people and then disengage quite quickly once they lose interest in them.
Their attention may become confused when Twos are trying to be helpful to more than one person with different needs.
The Two’s focus on others may cause them not to be consistently tuned into their own needs and desires.

Personally, I always have to work on not hyper-focusing in my friendships and “how they are doing” and instead just letting the friendship flow. It’s a struggle everyday but I consistently try to do this. I also get paranoid when friends seem to “cool off” towards me and that can make me act out in a way that makes me seem needy. I am working on this, and allowing myself to self sooth. Putting less thoughts into others (I know - difficult) and trying to direct my thoughts to my own life and my own hobbies etc. This sounds easy to others. But for 2’s, they focus so much on others that it’s difficult to focus on themselves instead.

Anyways, not sure if any of this sounds familiar to you, but I find that knowing my enneagram type (and my blind spots) helps me to accept myself as someone who is deserving of love, and also helps me to work on myself to achieve total personal health.

@mote.of.soul

I moved my reply to you from this thread here because it belongs here more.

EDIT: I realize it's full of negativity (of pain), please only read on if you are prepared for that.

Yeah it gave me hope too... the thing is I figured out that it doesn't get me anywhere. Well I sometimes still believe it can get me somewhere. If I had lost all hope I'd have committed suicide already. It's tempting tbh. It's so easy, you just make the decision for real and then just do it and it's all sorted... I mean, the part with getting to make the decision for real with having fully considered how there really is no avenue to anywhere better is what I haven't done for now, though I've been in that state recently, but then I got lucky and got one good thing happen to me. That good thing was managing to set some goal to have motivation for (I did need someone else do something there to be able to set this goal, long story, they refused at first and that's when I did decide to commit suicide until it turned out they were willing to help after all), but that kind of started drowning in all the pain too. I just have not yet got back to evaluating my entire situation as having all exits out of it blocked, yet, right now I kind of have one avenue left open with trying to talk to my one last friend now. If that doesn't turn out well... idk.

I'm not sure how you are able to keep plugging away?? I too often see NO way forward. It's like... A very narrow path, on one side a deep abyss (mental issues, or just extremely bad distraction/disconnect blocking out of the world, doing nothing to move forward or live really), on the other side untolerable never-ending quagmire emotional pain where you just about don't drown or maybe you do drown if you get to deep in there. The very narrow path, idk, I sometimes manage to find it but yeah, at one point it might just stop and then suicide.

My people issues aren't simply about lack of trust... it's more like I just don't know how close relationships (friendships... romantic is even worse) work with girls... and I can no longer handle it when they do sh_it. It's a long story. Basically one day I just started to want to have good active close relationships (friendship, romantic), I was decently fine without too much of a need for that before. And I also had emotional dysregulation start at the same time. And it all just doesn't work. After 6.5 years at this I really am nearly done in... And I can't restore my earlier state where I was more oblivious of people stuff and not needing/wanting much. Well I would be aware of wanting a romantic relationship at least but I would easily defer it to the future. So it was ok... no longer ok. If I could at least restore my earlier attitude, I'd be a bit better, though sure I was not fully functional in that earlier state, but I was partially quite functional.

WARNING: re-reading I realize this post is full of negativity (of pain) so please only read on if you are prepared for that.

I don't know my enneagram type for sure, but I'm not a 2. 2s are very good with people, I am not... they seem to have endless resources for giving-expressing affection, I'm very bad at that... I'm bad at the emotional "manipulation" too. I'm only good at giving practical help/practical services. But the one thing I relate to in 2, I was trying to give that practical help so much that I think I f--cked up the relationship with who I would have liked to see as my best friend. That was last year, about 10 months ago. Actually I finally wrote her an email today with the same mindset I always have about this and I'm waiting for my death sentence now. I expect a bad response and then I will try to find a way to evaluate everything as ready for suicide.

"Because Twos are very attuned to and aware of the social relationships of the people around them, they may needlessly worry about the people in their significant relationships."

No, actually, I always thought if I had the Two's people skills, I'd be better off... I'd also could really do with having a Two friend in my life But I don't have any such friends.

"Twos may pay attention to people and then disengage quite quickly once they lose interest in them."

Oh no, this is what kills me. !!!!

I actually want someone to have that approach towards me. I'd like someone to hyper-focus on me and help me and give me affection like that.

I'd be TOTALLY fine with some needy friend. I'd not mind it, I'd just see it as them actually caring while needing their own needs being attended to. And I'd be glad to attend to that if I know what to do exactly for that - I need to be told directly.

Thanks for the post. I tried all this self-work before, it didn't lead anywhere.

Now I’m even more interested in what your enneagram type is you seem like you would pair well in friendship with a 2. Have you ever taken the test?

And thank you btw in seeing my struggles as strengths that means a lot to me! Thank you!!!

I've started reading this and I reacted with a lot of pain and crying and etc even though I read this article already recently: https://psychcentral.com/blog/learni...ys-to-move-on/

So yeah I seem to be reacting more than ever, why???? What is going on?

Glad if it gives you something good

I did take enneagram tests before, I tend to get one of these: 1, 5, 8. I'm not sure which one of these would be me, I'm really not being myself lately.

Pain is just pain. When it is gone, it is gone. Psychological or physical.

Changing your life or changing the way you are, changing your patterns; that of course is not easy. But once you have a life that is very improved, past pain (at least the pain itself) no longer affects you in the present. You won't feel bad because you once felt bad. In fact, if you feel bad and you suddenly have a reason to not feel so bad anymore, I sometimes get a moment of euphoria. Like some kind of burden falls off you. Like your personality crushed by events in your life suddenly opens up and blossoms, ready to extent further, because the thing that was crushing it is no longer there.