How are you coping today?

Horrible. I saw a therapist and told her about being almost 35 and broke and no career and a job that only pays 47k. She tried to say I was still young, but I could already see it in her eyes. She knows the truth.

I don't know why I couldn't have just done the 9-5 thing like everyone else, even if it was boring or whatever, I could've salvaged something of a life. It's a nice day today and I see everyone out enjoying it, relaxing. That will never be me again. It's all I really want. But all I can think about is how much of a failure I am and that I have no reason to enjoy anything. What a shitbag disaster of a life.

Why are you beating yourself up for this situation? I have quite a few friends in the same age range as you (I'm a bit younger) who are in a similar situation.

There's no "timeline" in which you live your life. I had the exact same mindset as you in college: if I'm not succeeding in my career and goals, then I'm a failure. My grades tanked, I got depressed, I isolated myself from everyone. But then I found what I really wanted to do, said "eff what other people think," and now I'm in a job I actually like (after many, many years of doing things I hated, just to "prove myself").

You're not a failure, but I know that it takes a lot to change that mindset. It's so ingrained in me that I still struggle with the constant question, "am I doing enough?"
You might want to look into cognitive distortions, too. You say your therapist had a certain look in her eyes, so either you have an insensitive therapist, or you might be jumping to conclusions. A real therapist would NOT judge you for the situation you're in. I've gotta go for now, but I hope you feel better!

The grass is always greener on the other side my friend,to me you are not a failure,what I wouldn't give for a salary of 47k,that is a lot of money to me,but you obviously aspire to the circles of the very affluent.Do not feel bad or sorry for yourself,it is never too late work towards your goals and stay firm and persevere you will attain them.My other piece of advice is never compare your life to anyone else's,you are special and unique.

Thank you for the post.But the age does matter in the end. If I ever want a kid, it would need to be done in the next 5-7 years here. But I have no money. Even if I work 2 jobs the next few years, I'm not going to have a ton. I just screwed it all up.

That's not even getting to my sexual issues from what happened when I was young. I don't even know what would happen in a sexual situation.

I could live off this if I had to. But it's the everyday pain and suffering that makes it so hard. And imagining this for the next 30+ years. Alone. It's harrowing.

Thank you for saying that. I am trying to work towards my goals but I'm always going to be severely behind, and the clock is ticking loudly if I ever want to have a kid.

I have heard the quotes about not comparing yourself and it makes sense...but it' s impossible when that's your world, when you're constantly around those other people. And parents that so badly wanted to see you succeed and get married and have kids.

I just feel so terrible that I didn't come through.

Everyone's out with their friends and families this Sunday or doing things at home, feeling relaxed. I'm in my usual complete panic mode about my ruined life. Like I am every moment of every day.

This is literally hell. Too scared to end it, live in misery every day.

Today I'm coping with things better. I've been keeping off of social media for a bit just because I needed a break from it all. There's so much negativity going on and I needed to pick up my hobbies and interests more. So I won't log on for another week or so. I simply needed a break. It was overwhelming me. This is something I plan on doing more often when I feel overwhelmed. Just stay off of social media for a bit until I feel up to using it again. My health matters more to me in the end. People should be understanding too.

Woke up with a nightmare about being a victim of a Mother’s Day massacre. Just prior to the strangers attacking, I was caught on both my sides with stress on one side from my mother and sister and stress on the other side from my son and his fiancé. IRL, I won’t even be seeing my son as he abandoned us now, nor am I seeing my sister as she couldn’t care less. The anxiety is hard to keep under control, using meds, can’t get enough. Traumatized about even dreaming about the massacre, since I had a premonition about what happened with my son and it came true, so stupidly fearing that I’ll literally be caught in an actual massacre.

Hugs. I think our dreams are about us either processing past emotional events or they tell us about how people are feeling about us/we are feel about them. Our dreams tell us about our emotions unfiltered. The premonition was likely either a coincidence or it was based on real life facts that you processed but I know you know the possibility of a masscre is remote. Though I have experienced having a dream and then not being able to shake the anxiety and emotions that the dream thrust upon me for hours and hours. That you are in counseling and dealing with so much--it all brings these things to the surface. It WILL eventually calm down, though I can't tell you how soon. Medications. Distractions. One hopeful thing is that I usually have lots of dream at the end of traumatic events though I know things may stay traumatic until your son's marriage happens and passes.....

What prompted the premonition is my concern for seeing the red flags that things were going so bad, I reached way back into the darkest corners of my mind to think about what’s the worst that can happen, and then from out of nowhere, it did.

I suppose the massacre is stemming from real life news events.

I am trying my best to be accepting and stay zen...it’s all beautiful, just great...

Work, a lot of chili’s, and a lot of TV and my phone. It’s been rough but I’m pushing throughZ

I'm doing ok despite my mother's defiant attitude. I will be alright. I was very mad at her stupid remarks. But, she is ill too without taking medication or seeing a psychiatrist. I have had such a hard time dealing with her. I can't believe at my age she is still trying to control me. Some things never change. My father is afraid of her. He told me he does not like arguing with her so he just gives into her whims. It is sad.

I wonder if you could find that 47K job outside of Chicago? There are some areas of the country where you could make it on that much. In order to make you feel better, I opened my tax return that I filed earlier this year. I only made 6K plus I had disability payments until Febrary or March 2018 (I honestly can't remember now because my brain is fried from working all day). I am totally dependent upon my husband financially. Do you support others? 47K would be tough if you support others or if you have a mortgage or rent in an expensive city like Chicago. You are not a failure. Lots of people are poor, poor, poor in the world. My son lives in a tent. There are always those whom are better and those whom are worse of than us and life doesn't always go as expected but hang around long enough and don't give up (hope that is not triggering as you ARE trying since you went to therapy--sometimes we feel bad after therapy because we discuss our pain there but understanding our pain might, hopefully, someday, set us free?) We are prisoners of our own mind and attitudes sometimes but they are hard habits to break. Hey, I am GLAD you are expressing your pain!!! Hugs.

Your username is lost so you ARE trying to find yourself. Trying is a step in the right direction.

I feel kind of sick and these thoughts in my head are just making it worst.

I'm not coping at all. I feel I have no one I can talk to. My daughters and husband are very distant. Why am I here?

I feel fine and am taking it easy. The weather is dreary but my spirits are fine. My mother and I are getting along again. I washed two loads of laundry too. I think the day will go well.

I coped ok with the day.I was angered by a creditor taking an instalment out of my bank account a week early,using up my food shop money.I demanded a refund,then they paid it back and paid it back twice,so this company's accounts department doesn't know what they are doing.I have to pay them back tomorrow but I cancelled the direct debit so they can only take money that I give them now they can no longer help themselves any date they feel like it.This incident angered me a lot today and made it difficult for me to cope.I am still upset about it cos when I set up the direct debits I tried to get exact dates off of them and they insisted on being vague about that.It is still upsetting me now to think about it.In any case I think the money was put back in time for me to get the food shop paid for it is in the pending queue at the bank and my food shop is due to be delivered between 8.30pm and 9pm tonight,so should know then if all went through ok.

I'm not.

I told myself to stop whining, I have nothing to worry about. everything in my life is great, just calm down and stop worrying. Focus on the positives. Finding stuff to look forward to. 3 Xanax. I know people with mental illness don’t like being told they have nothing to be anxious about and everything is great. but this actually really helps me when people tell me it. I also know that most everyone I know has it way worse then I do. So I shouldn’t be complaining. I have to create my own happiness and most of the time I can do that. Today was rough. At least I’m not bringing anyone else down with me.

I’m coping ok today.