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Fuzzybear
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Unhappy Dec 02, 2019 at 02:49 PM
  #1
I was wondering if any others who have been “conditioned” (and forced ) to be people pleasers irl have been tragically misunderstood and mislabelled. (irl) I was reading some stuff in the DSM... yesterday and wish I hadn’t

I don’t have meds to numb the pain. (allergies) And that too, is “my fault”

I apologize for the “whine”

Respect to all

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Default Dec 02, 2019 at 03:09 PM
  #2
My circumstances made me a people pleaser.I think I developed it as a coping and surviving skill. It was the only way for me to make my self visible or gain attention. People asked me favours,I did chores for parents siblings ,relatives,or else I didn't exist. It's pathological but I had to.It became my second nature.
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Default Dec 02, 2019 at 03:17 PM
  #3
I suppose it is a coping strategy . That isn’t really how I think of it though. it invites more abuse . I suppose being a “people pleaser” in childhood is why I am still alive

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Default Dec 02, 2019 at 03:48 PM
  #4
Yes,of course. It attracts more abuse.The people who are enjoying the favours actually disrespect you or demand more favours once they know you are a people pleaser. Once I was sick and could not stay alone.I asked one of my uncle who took a lot of my favours if I could stay with them for a couple of days.He said sure,come over.I went there anticipating rest and a little attention. My aunt bought groceries and asked me to prepare meal for a family of five from scratch. Chopping salads,entry ,main course and desert.She said she was excited that I visited and wanted me to stay for at least one week,so that they will be able to enjoy all the recipes,I can cook expertly. She bought all the necessary ingredients and had a big menu planned for each day for one week.Everyone in my family knows I am a good cook.I had to comeback home the next day.I felt so sick and tired.When I said I would like to go home,my uncle was very upset and pleaded me to stay because my aunt put an effort to buy groceries. If I didn't cook it's waste of their money as well as energy.I returned home anyway because I needed to rest.
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Default Dec 10, 2019 at 07:08 PM
  #5
I'm not and never have been a 'people pleaser'; I tell it how it is, but at least being kind about it. It's just that I refuse to pander to other peoples' whims. To do so would be a false statement to my core beliefs. I am what I am, but love helping others see the direction they are going in and gently steer them onto a safer path. What they do with that advice, of course, is up to them.

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Default Dec 11, 2019 at 02:04 PM
  #6
I am a people pleaser, this is helping me understand myself better. I don't like rocking the boat, I'm not a fighter even for myself. I asked to return to DBT therapy because it does help me stand up for myself better. I restart on Monday.

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Default Dec 11, 2019 at 05:10 PM
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Very interesting topic. I was most certainly a people pleaser through college. Still kind of coming into my own persona and identity. Once I sort of settled on a career path, that stuff sort of fell to the side. I realized I was, in fact, quite good at something and I damn well didn't need anyone else's approval to know that--I just knew.

There is a fine line between being solicitous and kind and generous on the one hand and obsequious on the other. I do think for some people, it is difficult to know how to traverse that line.

Oh, man, Fuzzy-- I try really hard not to look in the DSM5. I'm afraid I will give myself another illness!!

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Default Dec 13, 2019 at 08:40 AM
  #8
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fuzzybear View Post
I was wondering if any others who have been “conditioned” (and forced ) to be people pleasers irl have been tragically misunderstood and mislabelled. (irl) I was reading some stuff in the DSM... yesterday and wish I hadn’t

I don’t have meds to numb the pain. (allergies) And that too, is “my fault”

I apologize for the “whine”

Respect to all
I am a people please and it because I am ignore and invisible. You are not alone.
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Default Dec 13, 2019 at 08:41 AM
  #9
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mendingmysoul View Post
My circumstances made me a people pleaser.I think I developed it as a coping and surviving skill. It was the only way for me to make my self visible or gain attention. People asked me favours,I did chores for parents siblings ,relatives,or else I didn't exist. It's pathological but I had to.It became my second nature.
I am the same way.
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Default Dec 15, 2019 at 08:13 PM
  #10
No I don’t consider myself a people pleaser. I used to be when I started my job 2 years ago. I’d say yes to everything they asked. Now I’m the complete opposite and I have no problem saying no. There’s this one coworker I do stuff for just because he’s an incompetent jerk who doesn’t understand anything and I hate talking to people so I just help him out. But yeah I can say no to family gatherings and basically everything. I just say I’m sorry I can’t make it.

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Default Dec 15, 2019 at 09:56 PM
  #11
I'm a podcast addict and this podcast from the UK, hosted by an Irish gal Caroline Foran is awesome. It's called Owning It: The Anxiety Podcast. She did an episode about people pleasing. Here's a quote from her website that describes the episode. You don't have to have Apple iTunes to hear it either. You can listen to it on multiple online streaming platforms like Stitcher etc.

Quote:
People pleasing is a big driver of anxiety. For this episode of Owning It I am thrilled to be joined by New York Times Bestselling author Sarah Knight. She wrote the Lifechanging Magic of Not Giving A F**k and has gone on to write a whole series of No F***s Given Guides, the latest of which is F**k No: How To Stop Saying Yes When You Can't, You Shouldn't Or You Just Don't Want To. Sarah shares her own inspiring story of anxiety with me, how life has changed since her days as a book editor in Manhattan (she now lives in the Dominican Republic) and how she's learned the art of suiting herself and ultimately benefitting her wellbeing and her anxiety. F**k No is available in the UK and Ireland from December 12th, 2019.
OWNING IT: People pleasing and how to say no with author Sarah Knight | Owning It: The Anxiety Podcast on acast
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Default Dec 16, 2019 at 06:37 PM
  #12
I was conditioned by my family and by all of society to be a people pleaser. I came of age in the 70's and everyone knew that a "nice" and well-bred young woman always, always put others (especially men) first. Oh, how well I excelled at being a people pleaser!


Now at almost 57 I'm going to therapy twice a week to learn how to be cared for by someone else, and to care for myself.

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