So lonely it hurts

And it sucks. It ****ing sucks. I don't know why this is happening, or where it is coming from. And its been happening so so much lately.

I went to meditation group today, then church, then a family party. People really disappoint me, though.

At meditation group, a guy asked for my number. He has a partner though, so I thought it was strange (not sure if his partner is male or female). But I think he just wants to be friends. We have some things in common. He gave me his too, and I texted him tonight that it was nice talking to him, and that we should get together for coffee sometime (it was originally his idea). He texted back and said it was nice to talk to me too, and we just needed to "find a time." It didn't sound too proactive though. So I texted back "how about tuesday or wednesday?" I had a feeling I wouldn't hear anything back. And I didn't. What the ****? Why are people so weird?

At church this morning, I felt uncomfortable, as usual. It was sprinkled with nice moments. But no one really came up to me after to say hi. Not that they had to. I should have come up to them. I just didn't have the guts or energy. So its ok. But it was a lonely feeling to stand in a group of many talking people and to feel ignored.

Also, in meditation group, I'd said "Sorry" after making a joke, and I wanted to apologize for apologizing. I figured people just thought I was lame for even apologizing. I don't know. There was a new person there, and I think they thought I was pathetic.

I just get the feeling a lot that people don't care.

Then at a family party, I went, but I just felt.......bored. My family can be ableist. And I always feel like a loser when my great aunt asks me if I'm working yet.

I just want to connect. And I feel awful that I don't. I don't know if it's me, or other people, or both. But today sucked. A lot.

To top it off, I've been feeling incredibly horny and romantically lonely. It sucks. I need to find a way to take my mind off it. Instead, I go into Fix-it mode, and hyper focus on it.

People suck!!!!!!!!!! I don't want to be the one doing all the work. But I may be. I think I also don't feel grounded right now. I'm thinking of things that make me feel the opposite of grounded, like jobs and work. And nonexistent friends. So I need to find a way to ground myself. I will probably write some haiku and listen to jazz, then try to fall asleep.

(((((KnitChick)))))

At least you are getting out and doing things! Sometimes it’s tough though when you go to social events and feel alone in a crowd!!

Is finding a job somewhere new an option? My cousin was in DC for some years, then New York, then finally met her fiance in Boston. I know she kept on changing it up wanting a new environment with new opportunities. How limited is your current town/community?

I'm not really a proponent of online dating--never worked for me--but there are now sites that help you connect to same-sex friends. Why don't you try using them to meet some like-minded females? Having one good friend makes such a difference. Are there any childhood friends you could try reconnecting with?

I'm sorry you feel so lonely. It sounds like you're really trying...

Aw, thanks everyone. Had a better morning and day. It might be the change in weather. It got colder. I have been looking at things that transpired yesterday differently. In a different light. In a better light. Or at least, with not such dark glasses on.

Also I did listen to jazz and write poetry last night before I went to bed. And it did ground me.

I feel like this all the time. People always leave me

I keep telling myself that. Go out whenever I can.

I never thought about that myself!

I feel like lonely is a bigger societal problem too. There a so many substanceless groups that we feel are going to fulfill us, and then they don't. And then there's substanceless people that make bigger holes than they fill because they don't know how to connect either.

I guess what I'm trying to say is don't beat up on yourself too much because even for those of us who have significant others lonely is still a thing. When I make certain friends I don't like 'em, and when I don't have 'em I feel bad too. Same with my husband- so we sit around bored and socially lonely together which is an oxymoron in itself (we both trying to work out if we're bipolar or not).

Sorry, I feel like I went off topic and rambled. The point I was trying to make was that right now it feels like society is set up to isolate everyone. Divide & conquer.

Hi Duo, that's an interesting take and I can't say I disagree! I as well think that society is set up nowadays that creates more loneliness. I appreciate your thoughts. No need to be sorry. What you said was helpful.

I agree!

I'm also lonely and it doesn't help that I don't speak English fluently either. I mean, I'm so visible as a foreigner here and my accent is so heavy. I admire you OP for being so fluent in the way you write and express your feelings. I wish I have half of your fluency feel free to reach me if you feel bored and wanted to correct my speaking or essays or just for chat