[seesaw]

All my life I've been holding back on my abilities and talents because I didn't want to outshine others and make others feel bad because I can do something better or faster or at a higher level. I have NOT done so many things I wanted because I was afraid others would feel bad and other people would think I'm a showboat or show off or whatever. And I have missed out on so much because of it, failed to realize dreams and goals, not followed different career paths...

I'm through with this way of being. When I was in school, I played six different instruments, was at a very high level of accomplishment on all of them, and I could pick up new ones like it was nothing. I didn't pursue music as a course of study because of performance anxiety and my undiagnosed PTSD. But I still played for a while, then I stopped. Last year I began picking instruments back up and this hole in my life has been filled again. I've bought too many guitars, banjos, and even a mandolin now. I bought a harmonica last night. I have a professional keyboard. Whenever I go to the music store, I consider buying a new instrument, even just a tamborine, lol. Today I was on Craigslist and found a bigger violin...I'm going to try to sneak out to pick it up. I mean, come on, there are worse things to collect than musical instruments. I'm not into jewelry or clothes. I'm not into video games or tech stuff...so yeah, I'm spending my money on instruments. And yes, I play them all. And I'm going to keep buying more and learning more. I'm dabbling in writing some songs. I don't need anything out of this, I just want to put stuff out there in the universe as a way to exist.

I also paint. I am working on a series that I would like to get into a gallery show.

I run a business, and I'm getting ready to take a full-time appointment for a HUGE job running all communications for a pretty prestigious well-funded lab, and I will continue running my business on the side. The appointment came out of my business. It's one of my clients.

I've decided I am going to pursue a PhD, hopefully starting in 2020. I'll be 40. But I don't care. And yes, I'm going to work full-time and maintain my business while doing it. Why get your PhD? Because I ****ing want to. No seriously, because education and research and exploration are important to me and I think I can contribute to this field even more than I do already and whatever. The only person the reasons matter to is me, so everyone can shut up.

I am volunteering my services from my business to two organizations that are really important to me. One fights mental illness stigma, the other is working to end FGM in Kenya. I'm hoping to serve on the board of the first and I have no clue how much I'll have to do for the latter, but I'm really excited by the creativity I will be able to express on both.

I have also finally decided on a big project I've been wanting to launch for a while, creating a network of emergency fosters for families in need for their pets. I want to create a model that every shelter in the US can replicate and possibly decrease the strain on their resources by removing this element of surrenders.

And the I'm preparing to write three different publications: a memoir about what I faced in the treatment of my PTSD - many people have encouraged me to do so, I'm going to try it; an instructional book in my professional field; and a journal manuscript that I haven't quite settled on the subject matter yet.

And I'm also going to do ANYTHING ELSE THAT COMES IN MY PATH THAT I WANT TO DO.

And everyone who tells me I'm doing too much or naysays can kiss my arse.

Oh, you'll crash and burn...yeah sure, I'll screw some things up, and mess some things up, but lemme tell you something, Apollo 13 was a failed space mission that STILL WAS IN OUTER SPACE!

I'm tired of pretending like I'm not capable because of someone else's voice in my head.

When I was a child, I literally dreamed of taking over the world. Of making a huge impact...and then I got stomped down and told I wasn't capable. Well that thought can take a hike. Imma be me. And if I'm too much for you, you can suck it.

[Deejay14]

Seesaw, you go and go and go! I am sure you will find a way to do it all. Especially important to do what brings you happiness. You only get one life on this Earth.

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by Deejay14

Seesaw, you go and go and go! I am sure you will find a way to do it all. Especially important to do what brings you happiness. You only get one life on this Earth.

Thanks, Deejay!

[MickeyCheeky]

I wish I had your strength and determination, seesaw..

You are amazing! So good to read this. You've tiptoed around your feelings based on crappy past experiences and now it's your time. It must feel so liberating. I've not done as many things as you but FWIW I did a PhD while working FT and it is possible. I now work part time as I'm a carer for my mum. My thing is motorbikes rather than music, but hey! Live your life, and ENJOY!

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by Little Cat

You are amazing! So good to read this. You've tiptoed around your feelings based on crappy past experiences and now it's your time. It must feel so liberating. I've not done as many things as you but FWIW I did a PhD while working FT and it is possible. I now work part time as I'm a carer for my mum. My thing is motorbikes rather than music, but hey! Live your life, and ENJOY!

Glad to know that someone else has done a PhD while working full time! I'm just tired of not doing things because other people think it's too ambitious. What's that saying? Shoot for the moon and you'll end up among the stars?

[Aviza]

Wow I'm impressed, wish I could pick up any instrument and learn it. I probably could learn a few, I've never tried, that sounds like fun. You impress me. I too have been told to write a memoir and I will before I die.

[Hopeofreedom]

Go for it girl. Your so brave. Many people feel the same way.

[divine1966]

We only live once so no need to limit yourself. Go and pursue whatever is that you want

[Duo69]

This was so refreshing to read! I feel the same way- like I'm capable of SO much but I find that a lot of people resent the fact that I'm always doing more than them and am like 5 steps ahead. That gets me into bad situations with co-workers sometimes, but I can't help it. I feel like I'm going to shine regardless.

Right now I'm really interested in writing a book or two. I have so many ideas I feel like my head will melt if I don't get them out... Anyway just thought I'd give props on you doing all the amazing things you want to do.

[lady411]

You're am inspiration Seesaw! I hope to have your determination some day again.

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by Duo69

This was so refreshing to read! I feel the same way- like I'm capable of SO much but I find that a lot of people resent the fact that I'm always doing more than them and am like 5 steps ahead. That gets me into bad situations with co-workers sometimes, but I can't help it. I feel like I'm going to shine regardless.

Right now I'm really interested in writing a book or two. I have so many ideas I feel like my head will melt if I don't get them out... Anyway just thought I'd give props on you doing all the amazing things you want to do.

I totally feel you! People literally get mad that I'm good at a lot of things. And while some of it now comes naturally because I've developed a process for learning, it's still hard work and practice that allows me to get good at something.