I have a terrible personality

"Have you ever heard of folie a deux? "

Yes, I always thought it meant that both people are to some degree equally affected, whereas with his gaslighting and other tricks I do think it was intentional on his part or so purposeful. He played some really cruel games. I was also embedded in a deep set of delusions about him when we broke up and then when my psychosis came back that had developed into an even more elaborate conspiracy involving the world powers who were spying on my every mouse click... I literally though I had no privacy even in my own bathroom, so it was pretty bad.

Fortunately if you do not have delusions you don't have to live through an experience like that. It is terrifying both to live it and in retrospect.

Thank you for sharing. I know you to be a very private person so I am honored you felt moved to share your experiences with me.

I noticed you are careful in how you write and certain statements you made struck a chord with me. We are similar in some respects except that my goal for the day is to do laundry and cook a dinner and brush my teeth and get something down in the morning (plain kefir with a bit of chocolate protein powder) when I have no appetite.

Yes i was operated on and then had chemo for lung cancer and it hasn't come back yet, so far so good but I never got my mojo back after chemo.

You have been through so much. If you are financially able to just chill and take care of yourself...that's the agenda, right? I am in a position where I need to get back out there to survive. I simply don't have enough money to survive on...and the book project is...to kind of help get back my mental mojo. If it is possible.

Yeah, it sounds like gaslighting...but a bit of folie a deux as well. I mean the dude sounds so evil and manipulating. Maybe it was a bit loosely folie a deux but mostly gaslighting.

Well, I learned my lesson. I suppose I have been keeping to myself because I feel extremely vulnerable...and that's when the sickos strike. On the other hand...I have changed. A lot. I quit drinking. I quit smoking. I became vegetarian. I don't engage in risky behavior. I don't talk to strangers. Like if a guy I don't know comes up to me when I am out and tries to talk to me I literally say I don't talk to men I don't know and I walk away.

Maybe we are both in recovery mode but just can't see it. I can't imagine having chemo. Surely it will take time to recover. Ah, kefir. Such a good idea. You have given me the craving for some today.

Yeah I have a decent ltd from my employer. It's a lot less than I used to make but pays the bills. I was fortunate to have had a good career and don't have to work to survive.

I wish you fortitude in launching your book project. The hardest part often is just getting started. If you don't mind my asking, have you tried part time work or something just to get out of the house regularly?


I don't think my ex had any kind of psychosis though he was definitely a sick puppy. It turns out I was probably sicker because of my problem with going off the rails of sanity.

I don't often have the problem of men who I don't know start talking to me. The chemo and smoking all those years before I quit in 2015 definitely aged me.

Good for you for quitting drinking and smoking and making other positive changes in your life. I absolutely stay away from alcohol as I could easily become an addict to that too like my father is.

You might be right about not being able to see it. I feel like i got a sucker punch after so many sucker punches and still haven't caught my breath. Some of this I did to myself, some was the awful upbringing I had, and some is a relentless illness.

I am diagnosed but not sure if it is SZA or bipolar. My main concern is not to have another episode where I lose touch with reality. My problems pre-dated my ex and will outlast him. I also clearly have big problems with personal boundaries. I never learned what good boundaries are growing up and I have had problems from that all my adult life.

What is your book about?

I would prefer not disclosing my book's topic. It is nonfiction. It is...a difficult subject.

Sure I have considered all different kinds of work. I have felt destabilized and my idea was to try to get stable before going out there and applying for jobs again. But I can see now that's not gonna happen. So basically I will be starting to apply for jobs this month.

I got my master's and was on a mid-life career track...and got de-railed. Now I don't think I can get back. I don't think I will find decent work -- will have to just settle for whatever I can find -- but I intend to just write on my own.

As I write all of this it makes me profoundly depressed. I will never really be able to retire and I am very unstable financially, emotionally, mentally. Physically I am okay.
This is kind of a mystery as to why I am physically stable and why all the stress hasn't ravaged my appearance. But emotionally and mentally I am very fragile.

Thanks for allowing me to share.

I am not sure if I believe in predestination...but the idea is appealing to me more and more. People I know are dying and gravely ill etc. --- while I guess I appear to be okay even if I don't feel it.

Anyway...no one is going to help me. I don't have proper mental health care. I am on my own. And for some reason I am surviving. I think I should stop resisting...life.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences here, DechanDawa. Looking for a job can be a stressful experience. I went through that recently with my son but eventually he landed a good job. I read it is a good time to be looking for work in many places. You are fortunate to have your health.

Thanks for this. I am glad to hear your son landed a good job. My adult child also has a very good job. I am not surprised. I had good jobs at their age, too.

The last time I got a job I applied and go hired within a day. Everyone here knows the saga. I got injured on the job and the next day was fired. It was so stressful and so stupid. Now I look back and consider myself lucky. The equipment they had was not properly maintained. Better to leave with a minor injury than to lose fingers. It was also in food service and the prepared meat there disgusted me so much that I was prompted to become vegetarian. I will never eat meat again, ever. I am a very happy, very peacefully happy vegetarian now.

I don't really think I can handle the stress of working, continued living on my own, moving to a cheaper apartment all by myself, figuring out how to not become homeless, on top of the social isolation. It seems so difficult it almost makes me laugh. I just feel like I am headed for a certain breakdown.

My attitude could not be worse.

But we don't know what is around the corner! For instance, you might stabilize and never again have another break. You can recover completely. People have done it. So that's my wish for you.

I don't believe I can recover completely because I have had some brain damage from all the manic episodes and also the heavy medication I was on, never mind brain fog from chemo, which is a real thing. I am injured, truly disabled and fortunate to be protected financially.

I am sure you have thought of everything, and tried many options but was wondering if the local crisis line could put you in touch with some services or get some counselling to prevent a breakdown.

I am medicated and see a psychiatrist at least monthly, sometimes more often and I have a armoury of medication I can take if things start to go out of control but you are on your own from what I understand.

No kidding I have probably called the local crisis hotline about 60 times in the past year to hammer out everything from every angle. The people on there are wonderful and tell me to call back...so I do. I called them three times this past weekend.

I think I am what they might call treatment resistant in that not much works. As well...because of my situation I have to be completely functional. I am not protected financially, socially, by family, by a partner or anything. I have been trying to work things out for two years and I guess I am at the end of things. I had a therapist who did nothing for me. Medications made me insane. Everyone has washed their hands of me. IDK. Maybe that is what is supposed to happen. I saw a psychiatrist and he refused to diagnose me saying I had situational stress. He did not recommend medication.

Maybe this is how the story is suppose to go. That's my new thought. I once had a professor who would tell me that I pushed the river too much. He would say, "Don't push the river. Let it carry you."

"Don't push the river, let it carry you." Maybe I can remember that the next time I start to freak out wondering how I ended up so alone in life and knowing there are many more people in the same boat out there.

My psychoses are treatable it seems like, but I am almost permanently depressed and have very negative thoughts about myself and that seems to be 'treatment resistant'. I cannot take Antidepressants because they either cause mania, anxiety or just don't work.

Your situation seems very complicated and a professional might need a number of sessions to decide. My signs of bipolar were supposedly unmistakable but now my long term pdoc thinks it could be SZA. Now I take a med approved for schizophrenia but not bipolar yet and am psychiatrically stable but chronically depressed. Low Energy is my name.

It sounds like you have energy and still a bounce in your step?

It is good to know you have someone familiar to call and they are familiar with your situation.

When you call the crisis hotline you don't get the same people but they keep records and refer to them. They are usually young people...interns, I assume...but they do their job with a professionalism and caring attitude I find quite admirable. This is a state funded program and I am proud of it, really. But it does not resolve issues.

I think what I have is dependent personality disorder...but I think that isn't used anymore...and so it would be adjustment disorder, I think. I was the youngest in my family and kind of spoiled while also kind of ignored if the two can co-exist. I married a very well educated high powered Alpha sort of genuis boy...a narcissist. I also thought he would get bored mid-life and leave...which is what happened. But not before mismanaging funds causing us to lose our house, savings, and go bankrupt. I was traumatized. The marriage had shielded me. Then it destroyed me. Losing the house to foreclosure was such an impossible scenerio I couldn't believe it. The genius boy was reckless and insisted on handling the finances. I trusted him and it cost me everything.

Sigh. So...in truth...weirdly...for someone with a dependent personality...therapy could be counter-intuitive. I don't think I have organic brain chemistry problems. I think I have maladaptive coping skills. In other words...behavioral dependency. Personally I don't find therapists very intelligent these days. It's mindfulness this and mindfulness that. It's lightweight. It doesn't get to the root. I've done all the work on my own.


As well I am...too much for most people to handle. I am not manic but I am high energy and demanding of life. A perfectionist. I do not take failure well.

Social isolation is a societal scourge. People get pushed aside...especially introverts. My ex was a strong extrovert and a strong Alpha and he remarried within a few months to someone he met on the Internet. She had money so in a short time he recouped everything and he lives not far from me in a large mansion type country home. Prick! Married someone a decade younger who had never been married and was fading a bit on the vine. I mean this is what he told me! He sent me a card six months after he remarried saying he missed me and could we still be friends? I called him and said in the US men don't generally have two wives...an elder and a younger. Such a prick!

I need a radical new plan. Back to the drawing board.


Well the maintenance guy came to fix stuff for me today and he said I was one of the nicest tenants in the building. When I said, "Oh, you are just flattering me..." his partner piped up and said, "Believe him. Mostly everyone irritates him. He wouldn't say something positive about you unless he meant it."


Okay!


So there you go. Sheez, maybe I don't have a terrible personality. Maybe I am just mentally weak.

Ok. I see much better what your perspective is more likely to be. Most people I interact with here are medicated one way or another, unlike you. But also, many are going to have mal adaptive, learned behaviours too.

Often emotionally dependent people get wrapped up with narcissists. This is exactly what happened in my last disastrous relationship.

What's also paradoxical is that dependents are often narcissists too but in an 'inverted' way. I am not saying this is with you, but I also have strong narcissistic traits some times that lead to unintended effects where I push people away without meaning too or do other things.

I'm also an introvert which makes all these kinds of problems socially 10 times worse or more. I think introversion exacerbates tendencies to social isolation and there is now almost a sport in excluding people from one's lives, if they don't measure up in one way or another.

Sorry to hear your ex husband was so awful in managing your finances and left you dispossessed when you probably thought you had made it to financial security. I can imagine that is a big hill to climb over but you can do it if you have your health and mental clarity and a bounce in your step.

It sounds like you are saying this is just something you have to go through on your own.

But I also think there are specific therapy approaches for this. No?

I would be cheered if I got a compliment like that!

I have understood that for someone with dependency issues that short term goal-oriented therapy is best. Frankly I would rather just hire a fitness coach...but I can't afford anything. I am thinking of trying to do a barter for some fitness coaching.

You made a lot of changes. Quit drinking and smoking and eating in a healthier way. This could be a good way for you to start to engage with people again and make a few more changes.

I often think I am a terrible person rather than have a terrible personality. I was wondering if you or someone else reading this had some insights into where such thoughts come from.

Big mouth me here again!


Awh, why would you think you are a terrible person?

Maybe people who come on Psych Central are very sensitive. I don't think many "terrible people" show up here because basically this is a very loving, caring site.

Being alone a lot can make one feel they are being punished for being a terrible person. I know I have thought that.

Yes I have thought that too.

About dependent personality disorder it is in the DSM-5 according to wikipedia: Dependent personality disorder - Wikipedia

But it is different than having a dependent personality. I was using them rather interchangeably which is a mistake.

Hmmm. From what I can see it doesn't seem like a great fit.

Why do you think you might have a personality disorder rather than a situational depression, for instance?

Well, I had an assessment by a psychiatrist and he said in his opinion I did not have a personality disorder but, just as you said, I had situational depression. So BINGO, there you go being your usual insightful self.

Social isolation can cause a lot of crazy thoughts, I think, and I believe it is the main culprit.


It seems crazy that I think I have a dependent personality when I have run my own life for years. When I see people on their phones at the supermarket it shocks me. Like what, people can't shop alone any more, like people have to shop as a team for food?


I do everything alone...and despite my fears staying afloat. I paid off all my credit cards and a personal bank loan last year. I am never late with rent or bills, the miracles of a great affordable mechanic keep my 25 year old truck running for now, I cleaned up my physical life and literally have no bad habits. I don't define myself by others. I am always aware that married people start every other sentence with, "My husband..." or "My wife..." Sheez. I am pretty happy I to be an "I" and not a "we"...in life.

What I hate the most is social isolation. It seems unnatural. I was in the Peace Corps and lived on a South Pacific Island...very tribal with small villages. There was a rule there that no one was allowed to live alone. They believed (rightly so) that it was bad for one's health. When teens wanted independence they would build a house for several teens (same sex) to live together...sort of like a dorm. Of course all elders lived within large family units.

IDK. I am still going to look up that link you threw out because I am convinced I have this disorder.


Thank you. Hope you are having a good week.

Hmmm, yeah, I have read through this before. I know I have been in therapy before when they said for insurance purposes they would put down adjustment disorder.

It is confusing because I have a great deal of anxiety but since it is unmedicated either legally or illegal...it is pretty raw. I am a pretty high-strung person. I have always been anxious and now my son tells me he also has generalized anxiety. My ex the genius boy was so high-strung I called him Racehorse.

Could it be that situations cause one's weaknesses to increase? I grew up with five siblings in a huge house with constant visitors, cousins staying for summer etc. In other words...I grew up in a family commune. I don't think I was every alone...ever...until I was about 25.

I don't have problems with small daily decisions...but I do have problems with large decisions. Like family and friends all say I should move to another state because my state is getting crowded and expensive. Well, moving is something that causes me so much anxiety. I have done two inter-state moves on my own but it was the hardest thing I have ever done.

I am really not good at making decisions, and I have a difficult time in the professional world. So...I am pretty confused. People always seem to think I am stronger...than I feel I am.

It's mostly anxiety about money. If I won the lottery I think I would buy a house, get a dog, and a new bike and probably no one would ever hear from me. I would travel and go out to dinner by myself. To me to not have money worries would be heaven on earth.

I really wish I could crack the social isolation thing. I think that is the culprit.

I kind of get angry when people say go out to coffee or something similar.

Do that all the time. My local Starbucks has turned into a satellite homeless shelter. I hate to sound prejudice but they bring in piles of luggage, talk to themselves, and smell. I feel bad but it is strange because it is just a regular Starbucks inside Barnes & Noble where I have been going for years. But now it kind of feels like a madhouse.

All the other things seem ridiculous, too. Like volunteering. I have volunteered for 30 years...everything from Peace Corps, to volunteer zoo keeper, to neighborhood watch, and gardener. It's nice but in general just like a job...not a social venue.

Church was a nice community but for reasons I will no longer talk about on PC I am not longer a church member.

I really have a difficult time trying to explain to people how isolated I am. People just don't get it.

I am going to make Social Isolation the Number One Priority Problem to solve. I just don't know how...

I'm also in the group of people who would benefit from more social interaction and less isolation and get anxious if I have to make big decisions or even small ones, but i attribute my anxiety more to bipolar than anything else. I think these things depend a lot on the individual.

One reason is that the anxiety is not always the same. I have better days than others and the antipsychotic(s) I take help also with anxiety. Another is that anxiety rises up together with things like irritability and depression. Peak anxiety is really the worst thing.

I am also not religious and couldn't bring myself to fake a belief system in order to build up a social network. I am sure if I were Christian where I live, and went to church that I would have a more enriching social life. As it is my son is living at home for a few more weeks and we have an interesting conversation over meals most of the time. I find it fascinating how his mind works and am happy to not be totally alone in the world.

I've also tried meetups in the past and never made a lasting connection with someone.

I definitely get how isolated your are. I've tried meetups and volunteering too, going to the gym when I was healthy etc. I think it depends a lot on the particular group of people you run into and how open they are to new relationships and how much you have in common.

It's too bad what happened to your Starbucks. I don't like the atmosphere in any of the nearby coffee shops so now rarely go out for coffee.