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Old 12-05-2018, 04:29 PM #1
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Default the hurt doesnt go away!

Hello,
I am living now in a strange situation. I was with a man a few years ago. He left me because I had a bad attitude toward him and in life (I was in burn-out, I had panic attacks and I was even in hospital for a depressive relapse). he supported me but from afar. We were not together officially. He stayed single though. He promised to come back to me but he doesnt want to say when. So basically I am waiting for him but I dont know how long I have to wait. He says I must work on myself to tolerate that uncertainty because I act like a baby looking for attention. But in my mind I feel ok... because I trust him.. and if he is still single and he wants to come to me.. than I am fine. BUT ... I am hurt by the uncertainty and the waiting!!! I feel it like a rejection and I feel abandoned. I am trying to reason myself... but my emotions of pain wont go away. I feel sad and angry sometimes. But mostly sad... I feel like garbage. I feel really worthless.

I still love that man even if he is like that...

And also... I already tried online dating which didnt work for me and I dont have that motivation to find a random guy and date a random guy. I am not into that really. I wanted to marry and have children.
So I do trust him... but these emotions of uncertainty and hurt (because I feel reejcted)... they drain me and undermine all my joy and motivation in life... basically I am in depression right now. I am doing my best to work.. but it is truly hard because I feel hurt.. I feel almost physically wounded.. this is how strong is the hurt.
How can I strengthen myself? How can i sooth the hurt? knowing that there is no escape to the situation.
Thank you for your help!
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Old 12-05-2018, 05:22 PM #2
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Default Re: the hurt doesnt go away!

Don't know if will help,but I had similar with woman,then
found out my 'love' was actually DEPENDENCY.Please look
for that possibility.
Deepest Respect,
BLUEDOVE
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Old 12-05-2018, 05:36 PM #3
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Default Re: the hurt doesnt go away!

Quote:
Originally Posted by BLUEDOVE View Post
Don't know if will help,but I had similar with woman,then
found out my 'love' was actually DEPENDENCY.Please look
for that possibility.
Deepest Respect,
BLUEDOVE

yes it is dependency.. actually it is separation anxiety.. I feel anxious and angry when i get separated from this attachment figure.. this man. I am learning to sit with my pain.
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Old 12-05-2018, 07:22 PM #4
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Default Re: the hurt doesnt go away!

You are not garbage. You are worthy of love and belonging. It does sound like dependency. I'm wondering, why has he chosen to not be with you? Is he playing games? Is something going on with you? Or him?

Regardless, I hope you can find a way to soothe your pain. There are many many healthy ways to soothe pain, and many ways to strengthen oneself. Some examples are reading a good book or curling up and watching a good tv show, taking a warm bath, spending time with people who are kind, going for a walk, making art, writing, reading self help. What do you enjoy doing?

Are you in therapy? Best wishes to you.
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Old 12-05-2018, 09:59 PM #5
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Default Re: the hurt doesnt go away!

One option for easing the pain is to stop waiting.

The wound does not heal because it is being allowed to stay open.

You are not a baby, it is reasonable to want to know when someone is going to be part of your life, if ever.

If it had been a few years since you were with him, and you were not officially together even at that time, then I question his commitment to you.

Maybe it feels like rejection and abandonment because that is what he in fact has done.



You are evidently not getting any nearer to your goals. How long are you prepared to wait for him?

An option is to block him and look for someone who is willing to be available to you.

That looks like a healthy option to me.
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Old 12-06-2018, 07:54 AM #6
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Default Re: the hurt doesnt go away!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bill3 View Post
One option for easing the pain is to stop waiting.

The wound does not heal because it is being allowed to stay open.

You are not a baby, it is reasonable to want to know when someone is going to be part of your life, if ever.

If it had been a few years since you were with him, and you were not officially together even at that time, then I question his commitment to you.

Maybe it feels like rejection and abandonment because that is what he in fact has done.



You are evidently not getting any nearer to your goals. How long are you prepared to wait for him?

An option is to block him and look for someone who is willing to be available to you.

That looks like a healthy option to me.
Emma, Bill made a very good post, in my opinion. It resonated with me, anyway. What do you think?

In terms of feeling rejected and abandoned, I wonder if looking at it like it is just not the right fit, will soften the blow for you. It's true, when you think about it. Who wants to be with someone who is 25% in, 75% out? I think he's the wrong fit for you too.

You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you.
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Old 12-06-2018, 10:19 AM #7
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Default Re: the hurt doesnt go away!

I'm so sorry you're struggling, emma345 I'm not sure it's a good idea to keep waiting. This relationship seems to be over for good, and who knows if he will really come back... I think you deserve to find another man tha truly loves you for what you are. Also try not to become too dependent on others, otherwise it will only hurt you more. I hope things will improve for you soon. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this
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Old 12-06-2018, 01:32 PM #8
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Default Re: the hurt doesnt go away!

Quote:
Originally Posted by KnitChick View Post
Emma, Bill made a very good post, in my opinion. It resonated with me, anyway. What do you think?

In terms of feeling rejected and abandoned, I wonder if looking at it like it is just not the right fit, will soften the blow for you. It's true, when you think about it. Who wants to be with someone who is 25% in, 75% out? I think he's the wrong fit for you too.

You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you.

thank you for your responses.
the only thing is that i wont find any other suitable man... i am not an attractive kind of woman. i like people who dont like me if you see what i mean. the only possibility for me is online dating... which you know what it is 90% of time. finding someone there is hard and it is still a random relationship with no love no nothing... so why bother. and i just dont want to spend my time getting upset about people on dating sites... i have better things to do. so I guess I just have to learn to be alone... and accept that I will be single forever. it is better to be alone than to be with a random guy who... also... who knows what he is doing behind your back. i am very cautious. i dont want other problems in my life.
learning to be single is hard... but one day I'll end up accepting it.
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Old 12-06-2018, 03:10 PM #9
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Default Re: the hurt doesnt go away!

Some people will say something to encourage you but they are just leading you on. They are cruel people, especially when they know you are a vulnerable, emotionally unstable person.

You’ve talked yourself into a lot of negative feelings about yourself and your prospects. You are not doing yourself any favors either.

Have you tried DBT?

Be kind to yourself and don’t give any credence to this guy’s words.
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Old 12-06-2018, 03:30 PM #10
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Default Re: the hurt doesnt go away!

Quote:
Originally Posted by emma345 View Post
thank you for your responses.
the only thing is that i wont find any other suitable man... i am not an attractive kind of woman. i like people who dont like me if you see what i mean. the only possibility for me is online dating... which you know what it is 90% of time. finding someone there is hard and it is still a random relationship with no love no nothing... so why bother. and i just dont want to spend my time getting upset about people on dating sites... i have better things to do. so I guess I just have to learn to be alone... and accept that I will be single forever. it is better to be alone than to be with a random guy who... also... who knows what he is doing behind your back. i am very cautious. i dont want other problems in my life.
learning to be single is hard... but one day I'll end up accepting it.
Hi Emma. I am single and in the same boat as you at times when it comes to despairing about being alone. I have a book recommendation: How to be single (and happy). I am at the beginning of reading it, but it feels promising and its a good read so far.
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