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Grand Magnate
Member Since Nov 2015
Location: United States
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#1
I wasn't sure where to post this.
I have extreme depression and anxiety due to chronic stress over life issues. Awhile ago I realized that my personality has totally deteriorated. I experimented for a month or two just faking being cheerful. Certain people thought my mental state had "improved" and I had gotten stronger mentally etc. etc. But I was just faking it. Recently I dropped the facade and went back to my usual depressed mode. One relative said I was bipolar and needed medication for that. I tried to explain I was faking being cheerful so as not to burden others. Because I am not bipolar I was offended by a relative trying to diagnose me. Here is my question. Should I go back to faking it? In truth I am pretty depressed, angry, and irritable. I don't have road rage or anything...but I do find it difficult to have long conversations. After about 4 minutes I get bored with what the other person is talking about. I live alone and less and less see the need for so much talk. In fact I have decided to be completely silent for the next 28 days. This isn't that difficult since I am socially isolated. But I am going to avoid the usual banter with store clerks about the holidays. My personality has shrunk down and could fit on the head of a pin. __________________ |
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Anonymous55879, katydid777, MickeyCheeky
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#2
When you recognize you are not being pleasant (which does damage relationships)--yes, fake it until you make it if you can. Studies show that what we do, does effect how we feel. For instance, I work in a call center environment and many times they will tell you in training to smile (get a mirror if necessary) because even a forced smile will effect your voice (make it sound more positive). Since more than one place I have worked has told us that--I assume it is based on research. I am not working in a place that sells things but have on a few occasions in the past and there is so much science behind selling things. Fake it until you make it is no magic pill but it does help a person get through rough patches until they figure things out. If you sound confident on the phone--people will sometimes think you are an expert even if you know very little!
I have anxiety and irritibility sometimes (though mostly I am a naturally positive person) and do take two antidepressants because I can make the most difference (in a good way ) if I medicate myself to be consistently patient and upbeat. I know you have problems with affording medications (is this still the case?) but, for some of us--they are necessary to meet our potential. |
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katydid777, MickeyCheeky
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MickeyCheeky, unaluna
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Nov 2015
Location: United States
Posts: 3,815
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#3
Quote:
Medication makes me insane. I cannot tolerate the side effects. In general I am very cordial on the phone or with sales people. My feeling is other people are just trying to do their job so especially with phone people I am cheerful. Well, if you are on two antidepressants in order to feel cheerful...I don't think we are talking about the same thing. Anyway, I can't tolerate medication so it is a moot point. I will rethink the faking it thing. I don't know. Maybe it had some positive influence. But it didn't really make me feel better. I have a very bleak, pessimistic outlook. I feel like the world is going to hell and people don't see it. We have basically destroyed this planet but people still want to pollute the environment, consume, and poison everything. __________________ |
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Anonymous55879, katydid777, MickeyCheeky
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MickeyCheeky
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Legendary
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#4
I'm so sorry, DechanDawa I'm not sure faking it is a good idea. Yes, it may be necessary in certain situations, but if you keep faking it, it will be impossible for other people to recognize your problem, and every hope of receiving any help will disappear. So while I know how tempting it may seem, I'd suggest to do otherwise. I'm sorry you have to put a facade to begin with, though: in an ideal world, everyone would be caring and accepting
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Anonymous55879, katydid777
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Medusax, tecomsin
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Nov 2015
Location: United States
Posts: 3,815
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#5
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Thank you for this. It is confusing. Truthfully, I think others preferred me faking being cheerful. I mean no one EVER asks me how I am doing. If I talk to a family member, for instance. They just don't ask...and I think they felt more comfortable with me being cheerful...and really did not care if I was really cheerful or just faking it. I think that's how people are. It sounds crazy but it was easier just faking it. Either way I am still depressed. __________________ |
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katydid777, MickeyCheeky
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MickeyCheeky
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#6
I know how that feels... I'm so sorry
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katydid777
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#7
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I also have a limited social life, in part by choice and in part from being cast aside by the rest of society. I am diagnosed as bipolar, and that makes us different, and also need to take an AP everyday to stay in what we all call reality. Glad I found this thread. __________________ BP 1 with psychotic features 50 mg Lyrica 50 mcg Synthroid 2.5 mg olanzapine |
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katydid777, MickeyCheeky
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MickeyCheeky
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Nov 2015
Location: United States
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#8
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In the last few months I kind of got hooked into the news. I had been avoiding the news. Now I think...perhaps...IDK...just being a little less informed would be okay. I have gotten a little crazy. I feel guilty using a straw or a plastic water bottle or bag. I hate all the traffic. Where I live we have good public transportation but not many people actually use it. Meanwhile the traffic gets worse with most cars filled with only a single driver. I actually don't think I can handle the news and I need to take a break. I am so upset by politics and the state of the world. __________________ |
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katydid777, MickeyCheeky
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MickeyCheeky
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Magnate
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#9
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Anonymous55879, MickeyCheeky
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MickeyCheeky, unaluna
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#10
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MickeyCheeky
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MickeyCheeky
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Nov 2015
Location: United States
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#11
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Well, my negative attitude has gotten on my nerves, to be honest. I mean...as a friend to myself...I suck! __________________ |
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MickeyCheeky
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MickeyCheeky
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Nov 2015
Location: United States
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#12
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Thank you. I should say this. I am pleasant to strangers. Like store clerks. I am aware that working in a store is hard work...so I am always cheerful towards service people. I also have a smile for the barista. You know, all service people. As far as degrees the brother who told me I was bipolar (in an email) has a PhD is Psychology. However, he is an academic, NOT a clinical psychologist. So I wrote him to remind him of that. IDK. This issue is a bit confusing to me. I have a lot of problems and looking back in the past I can see that when I am stressed my personality deteriorates. When I have less stress....I am a fairly upbeat person. I always worked in helping professions...so was always everyone's cheerleader. I think I am just soooooooo stressed it is affecting me in weird ways. I also have noticed I have a lot of aches and pains...I think probably from muscle tension. I am a mess. Thanks for replying. Your comment was really helpful. __________________ |
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MickeyCheeky
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MickeyCheeky
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Magnate
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#13
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My parents lived through WWII in Eastern Europe. I've been blessed to live in peaceful countries since. It's a worry what is happening in Ukraine. __________________ BP 1 with psychotic features 50 mg Lyrica 50 mcg Synthroid 2.5 mg olanzapine |
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Nov 2015
Location: United States
Posts: 3,815
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#14
Funny you mentioned WWll because I got kind of addicted to reading about WWll in 2018 which was probably not good for my mental health.
I have not had a television in almost 20 years. Which means no cable or anything. I get all my news on the Internet. I think it is my anxiety. I mean...the plastic problem is huge. I read where one nation in Africa banned plastic bags altogether because they were blowing in the trees and the whole landscape was getting covered in plastic. Actually....I see this on the Internet. YouTube. The plastic problem is so huge we should not be using any of it. It feels like people really don't care. Consumerism drives everything. IDK. My anxiety just latches on. Post WWll...I don't think people realize how bad it was. So many people died after the war ended. I read a lot of history. I too worry about the Ukraine. __________________ |
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tecomsin
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Magnate
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#15
Why do you think you have a terrible personality? Do you think so all the time or only sometimes? I get those kinds of thoughts some times.
They tend to be associated with regrets of big mistakes I have made in my life or situations that started out promising that then deteriorated. I have a hard time maintaining friendships and have lost a few I made since I fell ill. __________________ BP 1 with psychotic features 50 mg Lyrica 50 mcg Synthroid 2.5 mg olanzapine |
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#16
Personally, relating to the original post, it's not that I feel like I have a terrible personality (I do not), but it is a terrible 'knowing' surrounding me, leaning on me, collapsing on me, un-knowing, if you will. Why I feel the need to hold those up who are so... terrible, IDK, especially those who misuse our relationship.
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Nov 2015
Location: United States
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#17
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Oh, where do I start??? This started with the depression and social isolation. After I fell into then out of an abusive relationship. I got out of it but it was extremely traumatic. I was stalked and all other kinds of terrible stuff. Police involvement. The kind of stuff I never before encountered in life. I moved out-of-town to a new neighborhood out in a semi-rural area in order to feel "safe." I succeeded in feeling safe but I really hate where I live. It is bleak and boring and I hate my cramped little apartment. But I guess I really got down on myself for having gotten into that mess in the first place. Those regrets just snowballed. I have a lot of problems. I have been unable to resolve my problems and I feel frustrated - like I cannot depend on myself. I have had a very nonproductive couple of years. I am a goal oriented person. Without succeeding in accomplishing goals I feel useless. I think I probably had a very bad case of PTSD. I just ended up hating myself...which I think is pretty common after getting out of an abusive situation. I have become very cautious, isolated, and inward. I am irritable almost all the time. It is difficult to describe. It is like I don't fit into my own skin anymore. PTSD is difficult to recover from but I hope I will eventually heal. __________________ |
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Nov 2015
Location: United States
Posts: 3,815
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#18
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I'm glad to hear you don't think you have a terrible personality. __________________ |
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Magnate
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#19
"I am a goal oriented person. Without succeeding in accomplishing goals I feel useless."
I had this in spades. I was one of those super over-achieving kids and then went on to a prestigious university as valedictorian of my class. I had an exceptional career in some ways until it all came crashing down in one big manic burst born out of really intense suffering on multiple fronts that I won't go into. When I stopped working I got involved with someone who did a lot of harm to me and probably got a kick out of bringing me down or wouldn't give a damn. I thought he was more damaged than me with the degree to which he lied and made up a fanciful personal history that never happened. I, on the other hand, don't even talk about my past because it has so little connection in any practical way with my present and I want to protect my identity in different contexts and privacy online. I think in retrospect I was the one who was more ill but it just comes out in different ways. That last relationship convinced me that i had trusted the wrong person and needed to be much more careful who I bring and I also sort of lost my appetite for much in terms of relationships although I do have my son and he is trying hard to be his best person most of the time. My parents used to physically and emotionally abuse me and then laugh at me together and say to their 10 year old daughter that I 'wanted to be a victim'... I found a complete fraud to have a romance with. Fortunately it ended before I was diagnosed with lung cancer so I didn't have to go through the breakup at the same time. There is no way he would have stuck with me through that. I've just had so many blows in life that it has sort of broke my spirit too and I've lost my confidence that if I try hard that good things will happen rather than making things worse. I've never self-harmed or been suicidal but have been taken in multiple times for being a danger to myself and kept for a month in psych wards. Unfortunately this man was deeply involved in the paranoid delusions i developed after we broke up. He left more than a dozen files of strange texts on the laptop of mine i used to let him borrow when he visited. I found these after we broke up. At some point I start to think had these files had hidden messages. I started to hear sounds around my house and started thinking he had set up recording with video and sound all over my house and then set up a sound system so he could time noises to coincide with my movements and thoughts... He talked about working as a spy and special forces all the time when we were together. Anyway I have a small celebration that my rotator cuff injury is slowly getting better and I have more functionality with that arm and less pain. __________________ BP 1 with psychotic features 50 mg Lyrica 50 mcg Synthroid 2.5 mg olanzapine |
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Nov 2015
Location: United States
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#20
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Have you ever heard of folie a deux? It means folly of two. It is when one person's sickness rubs off on another person. It sounds like this is what happened to you with this dude. He sounds like a sicko...the stuff he did...and you were probably already vulnerable...and that's when these sickos strike. My situation (that I described) of letting a sicko into my life...was a huge game changer. I saw how I have very soft boundaries. Still do. But in the last few years no one toxic has entered my life. However, I am also totally isolated. I don't seem to know how to have flexible boundaries. The abuse I suffered just sucked all the joy out of my life. I did become suicidal as in having suicidal ideation but I don't self-harm and have never attempted suicide. It sounds like a confluence of events cause you to have a psychotic break. This so often happens to very talented very accomplished people. I do hope you find your equilibrium. I now remember that you are in recovery from lung cancer. That was a while ago so wow, it must be working and you must be in full 100% recovery. Right now a goal I have is to finish a book proposal and start in on a book project. It is strange because I keep getting stuck getting the words on paper. It is important for me to set a new goal as I think it will help me with my mental mindset. Thank you for sharing. I know you to be a very private person so I am honored you felt moved to share your experiences with me. __________________ |
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