Hating the world is a way to hate yourself without taking responsibility

Odd title, but actually I have an anecdote to share and you'll understand it soon.

When my father visited for the first time in 2 years we walked up a mountain trail while the roast was cooking. We had to turn back because it needed tending to and I kept meaning to complete the trail.

Some months later after a horrible day I needed to escape and found myself walking that trail. I was really upset and angry at my lot in life and I just kept going in mental circles until I wanted to scream, so instead I started running and that's when everything started to change, because I kept going back and I kept running. I was fat and it didn't stop me. I wanted to be able to run more and more so I started dieting too. It hurt so much trying to breathe while running up a mountain but my anger really fueled me.

All I could think was how much I hated the world. I feel robbed. My childhood was taken from me, since I was 8 years old I see actual monsters (hallucinations) because of the ptsd and cptsd from my early life. I grew up not being able to understand people or the world around me. Child services failed me and so did the police and so did the doctors at the time.

I'd always say it as I ran with all the struggle and pain over 2 years, I'd distract myself with it and it started becoming more positive as my health and fitness improved, thinking about how good it would feel to not be fat, even started dreaming that girls might look at me.

One day my close friend stopped talking to me because I was horrible to her for quite a while and it was killing me inside, I never meant to be. It was raining and dark and I went out anyway and at some point it occurred to me.

What does the world owe me?
Who is responsible for providing what I'm owed?
Success in life? Relationships? Fitness? Health?
I'm the only one who can give myself that and even if it could be provided then which person is meant to give it to me? Who could I reasonably take that from? No one at all.

So I ran for the next few months, not fueling myself with my hatred of the world, but to take what I'm owed from it.

Then one day I simply realized. There isn't even a world, it's not an entity, it's a concept we made up. So what do I hate if I hate the world and there isn't one? Who am I so angry at? Myself, I hate myself and I'm angry at myself for being weak.

Since then I made one close friend and had a brief relationship. I started working in my dream job after many years of struggling on my own and have money above the poverty line for the first time in 30 years.

I can no longer run. My legs explode with pain and regardless of how I've learned to deal with literally every kind I feel like its the type of pain where my body is simply saying "hey, you're going to do some permanent damage", and its not the kind you accept for betterment. Now I do Muay Thai and I made some really good friends after the initial shock.

However, I don't think I can experience the emotions that lead to a healthy relationship anymore.

..And actually, I think it's OK to hate yourself, so long as you take responsibility and find a way to help yourself improve. We're made this way, it's how we evolve both genetically and through our own individual lifetimes.

Thank you so much for making this wise thread, zizi I'm so sorry you have to deal with this