Not wanting to be "beholden" to others. - Forums at Psych Central



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Old 12-21-2018, 05:53 PM #1
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Default Not wanting to be "beholden" to others.

I really have an issue with this. So much so that I have trouble even opening xmas gifts. I don't want to be in anyone's debt to the extent that interns giving me a small box of candy for xmas can really really bother me all day.

Anyone else?
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Old 12-22-2018, 01:02 PM #2
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Smile Re: Not wanting to be "beholden" to others.

Thanks for sharing this. No... I don't have this problem because I've cut myself off from everyone & I don't do Christmas (or any other holiday either for that matter.) But having anyone doing anything for me would certainly be bothersome were it to happen. It would mean that someone had gotten even marginally close... which is something I avoid at all costs.
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Old 12-22-2018, 01:18 PM #3
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Default Re: Not wanting to be "beholden" to others.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Skeezyks View Post
Thanks for sharing this. No... I don't have this problem because I've cut myself off from everyone & I don't do Christmas (or any other holiday either for that matter.) But having anyone doing anything for me would certainly be bothersome were it to happen. It would mean that someone had gotten even marginally close... which is something I avoid at all costs.

Ditto. Though like my interns are not close at all to me. They just feel they have to, that drives me nuts. There is no way to tell them there is no way they should get me gifts.

But it is hard to let people do favors for me. Right down to if someone stops to let me off the train first, I have to struggle not to stop and tell them to go first.
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Old 12-22-2018, 01:21 PM #4
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Default Re: Not wanting to be "beholden" to others.

I have a similar issue. While I like receiving gifts, I worry that the people giving me gifts have some kind of ulterior motive for doing so. I don't think that people would be nice to somebody like me without expecting something in return later down the line.


I can't tell you how many times I have had people give me gifts in my childhood and then either tell me "treat your mother better in return" when my mother would lie and manipulate people about my "acting up" or use said gift against me when I did something even slightly wrong (I.E telling me they bought me this nice gift that one time how dare I defy them?!).


So yeah, I understand.
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Old 12-22-2018, 01:25 PM #5
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Default Re: Not wanting to be "beholden" to others.

Adjectives are really a strong suit if I had to to really unpack this statement then I'd wait until there is comfort.
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Old 12-22-2018, 04:14 PM #6
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Default Re: Not wanting to be "beholden" to others.

Somebody giving you a gift is not your problem. If you don't want to give back, you don't have to. If they understand the meaning of "giving", they will not expect anything of you. And, you should not feel obligated to give back, giving just because you feel obligated is not giving, anyway.
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Old 12-22-2018, 06:10 PM #7
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Default Re: Not wanting to be "beholden" to others.

Quote:
Originally Posted by whatdoesitmean View Post
Somebody giving you a gift is not your problem. If you don't want to give back, you don't have to. If they understand the meaning of "giving", they will not expect anything of you. And, you should not feel obligated to give back, giving just because you feel obligated is not giving, anyway.
My issue is that I don't really believe that in my head. My head thinks as sure as can be... they they are counting and I will have to do something for them.

But I didn't want to focus on a gift... anything that someone else does for me .. even if it is their job.

Such as my local grocery store takes the carriage out to your car - I always try to get out of it, even though it is the persons job, I will be like... no no I got this.. even if I look ridiculous because I clearly don't got it and could use a hand.
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Old 12-26-2018, 06:08 PM #8
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Default Re: Not wanting to be "beholden" to others.

I can see why this bothers you. I do think some people do truly enjoy giving gifts but I agree that some people do have ulterior motives. I usually just give a gift in return so that I feel better.
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Old 12-26-2018, 09:18 PM #9
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Default Re: Not wanting to be "beholden" to others.

I think the interns gave you a small gift to let you know how much they appreciate all the education/friendship they received from you during the year. It's their way of giving back to you. No need to feel any obligation. Accept and relish the concept that someone thought of you.
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