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Old 03-12-2019, 07:33 AM #1
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Default i need help dealing with negative emotions

hi everyone...i apologize in advance for how long this will probably be.
i need help. im at a total loss. ive been in and out of the mental health system my whole life. ive been diagnosed with dysthymia, major depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder...whether or not i actually agree with all of those...i dont know... but for a long time i was on a huge cocktail of meds...so many that i could barely string together a coherent sentence. a couple of years ago i went off all my meds on my own against the wishes of my doctor...in many ways, im a different person now...but there are some things that i am really really struggling with that i cant seem to get past.
i never learned how to deal with negative emotions. i grew up in a household where my parents pretended everything was fine all the time. nobody fought, nobody worked things out in the open. everything appeared fine and every time i would flip out and do something disturbing (like break my musical instrument because i was frustrated or break my toys so i didn't have to share them with my brother) my parents would just send me to therapy and i would be uncooperative. when i got older this turned into self injury, punching walls, getting in my car and just driving, explosive childish tantrums, etc etc and everyone in my life just walked on eggshells around me. ive been hospitalized, in day programs, in therapy, done DBT and CBT, and actually have a really good support system as an adult...but until a couple years ago i was just pouring klonopin and xanax on all of it because it was the only way i knew how to deal. i am at the point in my life right now where i NEED to really learn how to act like an adult. im about to lose my partner- my incredibly supportive, patient partner, because despite making a lot of progress, i still have this pattern of behavior where anytime anything remotely "wrong" happens, i freak out and catastrophize it and then the next few days of our lives are spent with me trying to do damage control. i literally do not know how to act whenever my partner is aggravated about anything. since i never watched anyone deal with anger or aggravation my whole life, i feel like everything is the end of the world and I panic. i dont scream or punch walls or get in my car and take off anymore (although there have been a couple isolated incidents that were pretty bad and a couple weeks ago i cut myself for the first time in a long time) but i start pacing, stomping around, getting defensive and stubborn, eventually crying (which my partner interprets as me being manipulative), raising my voice and generally just not being able to think straight because im in fight or flight and just talking and talking and making things WAY worse.
i meditate. i self talk. i recognize negative thought patterns and try to stop them. but STILL- i cannot seem to get past this. i am insanely sensitive and dont deal well with criticism, even when its presented gently. i try to recognize this and deal with things accordingly. i try not to overreact. but this keeps happening. i keep having these "episodes" where i just flip out like a child because my emotions come at me like a roaring tidal wave and i freak out. these tendencies have ruined pretty much every relationship in my life and im about to lose my current one because, while he loves me, i am exhausting and he just doesn't want to deal with me anymore.
i also have pretty bad baseline anxiety all the time. everything seems like a struggle. im always in some kind of fight or flight...i cant relax or enjoy myself or enjoy life. i have so many good things in my life but all i can feel is fear, anxiety and depression. im starting to feel like he should leave me and i should hole up somewhere and self destruct...i dont want to feel like that. every time i try to talk to a professional about even a fragment of this, they want to put me back on meds. i dont want to go back on meds. they dont solve anything and they dont teach me how to act like an adult. i need to know how i can honestly believe that im worth something, that i should have goals in my life to pursue, that i should enjoy life and have confidence in myself and i need to learn how to navigate negative emotions at better than a 4 year old level. logically i know all of this....emotionally, im pretty ready to give up. im having a hard time seeing how any of this is worth it anymore. my partner said before he left today that i need to find a new place to live. i can only say "this is the last time" i will act like this so many times. he is tired of it. he believes if this relationship really mattered to me i would just not act like this. its more complicated than that. i try so hard to be calm and not overreact...but underneath i just have that urge to rage and be nasty and push him away and fight him. for no reason. and i dont know what to do anymore. im supposed to enjoy life and appreciate what i have but the only thing i REALLY want to do...is just self destruct. i care too much about the people i love to actually do that...but i really just want to cut myself like i used to and drink myself into oblivion. and i dont know how to not feel like that.
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Old 03-12-2019, 07:58 AM #2
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Default Re: i need help dealing with negative emotions

Alot of what you describe does sound like borderline personality disorder to me , i have that too. My care coordinator explained to me that our front lobe which deals with emotions doesn't develop fully in people with bpd. So we don't deal with emotions well , can't control them , minor issues seem huge and it feels like the worst day of our life over something that most people can handle so well.
With bpd meds can't help much or so I've been told my the professionals . its down mostly to therapy which it seems you've been getting . there is one thing you could try , hypnotherapy . i had one session several years ago and it dramatically improved my life for over a year . I've just scheduled to get another session of hypnotherapy and I'm really hoping it will help me . I'm not saying you should get it but its just an option to consider . i might of just got really lucky with my hypnotherapist last time , he was amazing , but i live far from there now so ill be seeing someone else . i only hope its even half as affective.
I haven't really had the usual kind of therapy because i also have agoraphobia and its hard to get to appointments .
Any way I'm sorry i probably haven't been very helpful. i wish you the best of luck
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Old 03-12-2019, 11:36 AM #3
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Default Re: i need help dealing with negative emotions

Are you in therapy?
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Old 03-12-2019, 12:12 PM #4
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Default Re: i need help dealing with negative emotions

im not in therapy right now... i never really found it helpful because all i did was make excuses for why i couldnt make changes in my life...i did have a therapist i really liked but she became the manager of the place so she wasn't seeing patients anymore.

i definitely feel like i "missed something" with dealing with emotions... i get to a point where im almost just paralyzed by anxiety...i feel like i "screwed up" so bad that i just shut down...ive been sleeping all day...i just dont know how to deal. and i dont know how to not be super sensitive about everything. im also an empath, which makes things even more confusing....i tend to take on emotions from other people too.
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