Ashamed of wanting love

Hey all. Hope everyone is doing well. I hope I can articulate my feelings well so here it goes.

Long story short: Has anyone here ever felt ashamed of wanting love? I'm beginning to notice that I feel such shame for wanting it. I tell my close friends that I'd love to be in a relationship but, deep down, I'm realizing that I feel ashamed for wanting that.

For one thing, I think it's how I grew up. My mom and my grandmother never made romantic love a priority. My mother was (and still is) a very hard worker and I think my father leaving when I was a baby really hurt her. After that, she had one relationship but it was a repeat of her past relationships, which were all toxic. Even so, she really wants me to find a good person who is a good fit for me and she is very encouraging and loving. My grandmother had a horrible marriage and she regrets not choosing the right person. So she can be bitter and says negative things about love. She's actually negative about everything but that's another story.

Whenever I try to talk about this with people they say, "Oh, relationships are a lot of work" or "You don't have to be in a relationship". However, these comments come from people who are in relationships. I already know that romantic relationships are hard work but that can be said for any relationship, you know?

I've always prioritized my education and now my career. However, I'm now learning that it was an excuse to not pursue love. I've also realized that I probably think that I don't deserve it or that I shouldn't have it. I kept (and I still keep) saying, "I can't focus on love. I have X, Y, and Z to do." Those were all excuses.

I'm always working on myself and I also use that as an excuse. But if I continue using that as an excuse I'll never be in a relationship because we're constantly working on ourselves until the day we die. I believe that anyways. People always say, "You can't expect someone to love you if you don't love yourself" but I always felt like that was a bit demeaning to people with mental health issues. We struggle with loving ourselves on a consistent basis, so I never agreed with that.

I keep asking myself: What am I afraid of? Why do I believe I don't deserve love? Is it abuse, childhood trauma? Is it personal experiences? What is it? I know I have a lot to offer. I have many good qualities and I am aware of my flaws, which helps in how I interact with people. So...I don't know.

So yea. That's that. I'm super tired so sorry if there are any typos or if something does not make sense. It's that time of the night when things get deep and you're very vulnerable and you make a lot of realizations LOL.

TLDR: Has anyone ever felt ashamed for wanting love? How did you get over that shame? Where do you think that shame originated from?

I am not ashamed of wanting love in some form. However, I don't really want romantic love. I guess I'm like your grandmother, the cynic.

Funnily enough, my mom is kind of like your grandmother. When I had a crush in college, she sent me an email with the subject line "Love is pain". Guess I come by my disinterest in romantic relationships honestly.

Mom and Dad are still married, but it was an arranged marriage, and honestly they never really had romantic love. It is more a parent/child relationship at this point.

Well... I honestly don't know the answers to your questions. But I hope you find the love you want. You do deserve it.

Yes, starryprince. I have shame. And going by the information and insights given to me by the mental health field - psychologists, psychiatrists, therapists etc., books, everything! - and also my doctors - I understand that these feelings of shame, as you pointed out, come from what we learned and absorbed in our formative years as children growing up. Doesn't necessarily need to be a physical abuse or physical trauma either [although I did have those things]. For me, the paradigm fits, and I've seen how it fits for others as well.

I have had love before too, and definitely felt like I didn't deserve it or shouldn't be part of it like it was wrong somehow, but I just ignored those feelings knowing they're not the real me, as such, and followed what my head was telling me. Not my heart - my heart has a big black scar running through the middle. I have to listen to my head and any wisdom I might've picked up along the way.

So I didn't overcome or get over the shame, I just ignored it in favour of the wish for love.

Hi starryprince, I think you articulated your feelings very well. I am not ashamed for wanting love. But I'm ashamed about other things about myself, like feeling scared or angry. I know it comes from childhood and being well, shamed for my emotions.

Something I want to share: in the past, many of the males I have dated and gotten close to in dating, seemed to have a repulsion towards the idea of love. They just wanted to hook up. It seemed a type of cultural male thing. That scene. Like love was weak or something. That was the vibe I got. Love is not weak. I hope you know that.

I'm sorry if I'm not helping. If I am helping, I'm glad.
I know you're looking for ppl who have had your experience. I can't say I have.

Hello StarryPrince.

Thank you for sharing your truth with us. It was an interesting post which raised important questions for all of us. I would like to draw your attention to something you said, if I may.

"I think my father leaving when I was a baby really hurt her."

Is it possible that your mother was not the only one hurt by your father's exit? Perhaps it hurt you too? I know you were a baby at the time but you grew up without him. I am wondering if that is at all tied in with your difficulties around love and attachment.

As to your question. I'm not sure if I have felt shame for wanting love but I do feel a sense of shame when I get lonely. Perhaps that is similar? I also have a hard time asking people for things or depending on people though I am quite happy to help others or for them to depend on me.

I do not think you are alone in this struggle. It sounds very human to me. According to the research, our adult attachment styles are based on the attachments we developed to our parents when we were children. Something to think about. I'm not sure if you mentioned feeling open to discussing with a therapist? That helped me a great deal. Shame can be a very heavy and difficult emotion. Some professional help might be useful. That said, it is a feeling. You don't have to agree with your shame. If you see what I mean.

I wish you peace and a bright and loving future

Just wanted to say thank you.
I'm not ashamed of wanting love. I don't think. I feel needy for wanting love & often look for replacement care in friendship relationships that then don't match up to what I crave. But your post did put into words feelings that I have about not deserving love. The consequences of which are that I stay in an unhealthy marriage through not knowing what to do & friendships that I can't bear to break because they are toxic to me in the sense that I give too much, care too much, am too available in the hope that it will be reciprocated. And when it isn't I'm left depressed, angry, sad, hurt & actually, maybe it's a yes, ashamed & embarrassed that I might have come across as needing/wanting someone to care about me. & I come across that way because that is what I want. So yes. Ashamed of being needy. Thank you. I wish you well.

Sorry for the late response everyone. I've been mentally drained but feeling more energized!

All of these responses were great and gave me a lot to think about it. Thank you all for validating my feelings and making me see that I am not alone.

Where does the shame come from? Early childhood and sub optimal parenting often, in my opinion

You do deserve love

Hi StarryPrince, sending you lots of light and love. Yes. Desiring love is not weak. I hope you have a great night.