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Old 03-14-2019, 11:26 AM #1
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Trig I'm broke and broken

Iíve 34 years old and I've screwed up my life so badly. No college degree, lots of failed endeavors, and today I sit here with absolutely nothing. Not enough money to go back to school, and Iíve had to resort to taking a job for $38K because I canít get anything else right now. Iíve tried so hard, Iíve modernized and personalized and put in so much time and effort into resumes and cover letters and I would work so hard for someone, I'd work 16 hours a day or more for an 8 hour shift but I just canít get an opportunity.

It takes everything I have not to jump off one of the bridges I walk across in Chicago everyday because of my failure and shame. I see happy, successful people all around me with great jobs and smiles on their faces. And I donít want to chip away at them and say I donít know how their lives really are. I hope they are that happy and successful. It just didnít turn out to be me.

I tried to avoid the rat race by trying other things for all these years when I couldíve been happy now if I had just done it. Iím just so sorry to everyone. Itís my own fault. Iím sorry to my parents who gave me a good upbringing. Iím sorry to my friends who always supported me and told me they thought I was the kind of person that could do special things. I used to volunteer coach a lot with Special Olympics and there was this little girl Chelsea who had autism who wrote a letter to me once saying thank you for teaching her to follow her dreams and that she thought I was going to be amazing. It was one of the greatest memories of my life but now itís just sad because I didnít become anything. Iím so sorry to her. And I'm sorry you have to read this.

I try to listen to these motivational videos and about how if you just bear down and work hard you can come out of this, but I donít know if there is a coming out of this. I try so hard everyday to turn things around, try to push past all these negative thoughts and shame and it just doesnít work. Everyone keeps saying darkness doesnít last forever but it is. Hard work isnít changing anything. Pushing through isnít changing anything. Every day is a struggle. I canít enjoy anything anymore, mostly because I probably feel like I donít deserve to anymore. I havenít earned anything. I put on a fake smile with friends and family so they think Iím OK, so they think Iím not the huge failure I am. Iím living a lie everyday.

I could live on $40K and working **** jobs the rest of my life if I had to. Itís the shame and failure that I donít know if i can live with. What kind of life is it to just feel deep anxiety, stress, shame, and failure every minute of every day? And do this for 40 or more years still? I get nausea just thinking about having to do it all over again tomorrow, from how hard it is to get to sleep with my heart pounding out of my chest to waking up with full blown anxiety all over again, and having to stop myself multiple times from just breaking out crying throughout every day. And then try to push that all away so I can spend more of my life and time into these resumes and cover letters that have taken over my existence, I've sought out help from professionals on them to make sure I'm doing it right, and I spend lots of time personalizing them.

I know there isnít anything anyone can do. Iím here because of what Iíve done. I work out everyday and volunteer as much as I can, hoping my existence can at least help someone else. I try to be kind and loving towards everyone, to strangers, going out of my way to try to help people and hoping that can just be enough even if I'm poor and pathetic. But those are only temporary reliefs. If salvation lies within, Iím in a lot of trouble.

I guess I just wanted to hear someoneís opinion. I almost got in my car the other day to visit the city I used to live in to see Chelsea at her school, so I could see her one last time and say goodbye. And that I hope sheíll always remember me well.

I wish everyone well here in their journeys and appreciate anything anyone has to say, whether it is negative or positive.

Thank you.

Last edited by Anonymous59786; 03-14-2019 at 12:23 PM. Reason: added trigger
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Old 03-14-2019, 04:17 PM #2
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Default Re: I'm broke and broken

I was once told, " if it's not okay, it's not the end."

I think their is a lot of truth in that.

everything has a beginning, everything has an end

where this particular end will be, or what it will be, who knows

but you still have plenty of time to do stuff and try

38 is young
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Old 03-17-2019, 07:24 AM #3
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Default Re: I'm broke and broken

When did you start working this new job? Is there room for growth? Why isn't this sustainable?
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Old 03-20-2019, 09:22 PM #4
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Default Re: I'm broke and broken

38K is not crap. you could be doing much worse. really.....

I don't know your story or anything but take the time, redo your resume and submit it to other jobs that seem more agreeable to you.

go to school...start at community college if you haven't gone anywhere else...get the AA and then move on when you can.

few if anyone walks into a big pay position without college or skills. it would be nice but it doesn't happen. so do something to make it happen. get training, schooling what ever to boost the salary & skills. life doesn't have to suck. entry level positions happen to everyone


sitting around moping ain't going to make it better
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Old 03-20-2019, 10:22 PM #5
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Default Re: I'm broke and broken

Hi lost4357669.

Looking at your achievements peppered through your post (and yes there are achievements) I feel that you are doing better than others. You own a car, have a job, and are motivated to bettering yourself even more. Knowing that you want more is half the battle won.

Finding strategies to get to where you want to be is the hard bit...But as members above have suggested, getting qualified in a field that will bring you more enjoyment, fulfilment and financial gain will take some careful planning.

Dreaming bigger is fine...but start putting plans together step by step to achieve those dreams.You may need to tighten your belt by giving up a few luxuries, or even move to another state to achieve those dreams...but nothing worthwhile is easy. There will undoubtedly be a few stumbles and hurdles along the way...but the best time to start moving toward those goals is now.

I wish you all the very best in your journey...us ordinary people are capable of amazing things.
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Old 03-20-2019, 11:53 PM #6
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Default Re: I'm broke and broken

Quote:
Originally Posted by Quarter life View Post
Hi lost4357669.

Looking at your achievements peppered through your post (and yes there are achievements) I feel that you are doing better than others. You own a car, have a job, and are motivated to bettering yourself even more. Knowing that you want more is half the battle won.

Finding strategies to get to where you want to be is the hard bit...But as members above have suggested, getting qualified in a field that will bring you more enjoyment, fulfilment and financial gain will take some careful planning.

Dreaming bigger is fine...but start putting plans together step by step to achieve those dreams.You may need to tighten your belt by giving up a few luxuries, or even move to another state to achieve those dreams...but nothing worthwhile is easy. There will undoubtedly be a few stumbles and hurdles along the way...but the best time to start moving toward those goals is now.

I wish you all the very best in your journey...us ordinary people are capable of amazing things.
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Old 03-20-2019, 11:55 PM #7
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Default Re: I'm broke and broken

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Originally Posted by raging vortex View Post
I was once told, " if it's not okay, it's not the end."

I think their is a lot of truth in that.

everything has a beginning, everything has an end

where this particular end will be, or what it will be, who knows

but you still have plenty of time to do stuff and try

38 is young
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Old 03-23-2019, 10:42 AM #8
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Default Re: I'm broke and broken

Dear, you make more than I do....perhaps not our COMBINED income, but I cannot ever see myself making that much. I have a liberal arts degree from a community college. Nothing to brag on. Can you see yourself moving and living in a cheaper place? Are you determined to stay in a big city? Some prefer that. I moved us to Arkansas from Oregon in 2008 and we have a much larger home, for less money/taxes than we did up there. Something to consider anyway.
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Old 03-23-2019, 11:19 AM #9
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Default Re: I'm broke and broken

Have you thought of moving somewhere with a lower cost of living and good job market? All is not lost. Youíre doing well and you still have plenty of time to build your career.
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Old 03-23-2019, 11:27 AM #10
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Default Re: I'm broke and broken

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, lost4357669 Please don't be so hard on yourself. You're NOT a failure. You're a strong, wonderful person who's trying to do his best to survive. Be proud of yourself for that. I agree with what all the others have already wisely said better than I ever could. You've been given some great advice on this thread. I'd suggest to follow it if you can. I'll try not to repeat it too much. It seems like you're going through a lot right now. I'm so sorry to hear this. Please don't give up. I'd suggest to just start saving some money for the future. Perhaps you'll be able to go back to school if you save enough money. Please be kind to yourself. You did some wonderful things in your life based on what you wrote. That little girl named Chelsea is right about you: you are wonderful and you will be able to achieve wonderful things! Just try to hang on as much as you can. I'm sure you'll be able to find something better soon. Keep applying for as many jobs as you can, save some money and I promise you that things will be at least a little bit better at some point. Keep fighting! You can do this! You're a strong, wonderful person. Stay strong. Stay safe and take good care of yourself. Please be kind to yourself. You're awesome! You're strong! You're a warrior! I believe in you! We all believe in you! We're all rooting for you! I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, lost4357669. You don't deserve to suffer at all
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