I'm broke and broken

I’ve 34 years old and I've screwed up my life so badly. No college degree, lots of failed endeavors, and today I sit here with absolutely nothing. Not enough money to go back to school, and I’ve had to resort to taking a job for $38K because I can’t get anything else right now. I’ve tried so hard, I’ve modernized and personalized and put in so much time and effort into resumes and cover letters and I would work so hard for someone, I'd work 16 hours a day or more for an 8 hour shift but I just can’t get an opportunity.

It takes everything I have not to jump off one of the bridges I walk across in Chicago everyday because of my failure and shame. I see happy, successful people all around me with great jobs and smiles on their faces. And I don’t want to chip away at them and say I don’t know how their lives really are. I hope they are that happy and successful. It just didn’t turn out to be me.

I tried to avoid the rat race by trying other things for all these years when I could’ve been happy now if I had just done it. I’m just so sorry to everyone. It’s my own fault. I’m sorry to my parents who gave me a good upbringing. I’m sorry to my friends who always supported me and told me they thought I was the kind of person that could do special things. I used to volunteer coach a lot with Special Olympics and there was this little girl Chelsea who had autism who wrote a letter to me once saying thank you for teaching her to follow her dreams and that she thought I was going to be amazing. It was one of the greatest memories of my life but now it’s just sad because I didn’t become anything. I’m so sorry to her. And I'm sorry you have to read this.

I try to listen to these motivational videos and about how if you just bear down and work hard you can come out of this, but I don’t know if there is a coming out of this. I try so hard everyday to turn things around, try to push past all these negative thoughts and shame and it just doesn’t work. Everyone keeps saying darkness doesn’t last forever but it is. Hard work isn’t changing anything. Pushing through isn’t changing anything. Every day is a struggle. I can’t enjoy anything anymore, mostly because I probably feel like I don’t deserve to anymore. I haven’t earned anything. I put on a fake smile with friends and family so they think I’m OK, so they think I’m not the huge failure I am. I’m living a lie everyday.

I could live on $40K and working **** jobs the rest of my life if I had to. It’s the shame and failure that I don’t know if i can live with. What kind of life is it to just feel deep anxiety, stress, shame, and failure every minute of every day? And do this for 40 or more years still? I get nausea just thinking about having to do it all over again tomorrow, from how hard it is to get to sleep with my heart pounding out of my chest to waking up with full blown anxiety all over again, and having to stop myself multiple times from just breaking out crying throughout every day. And then try to push that all away so I can spend more of my life and time into these resumes and cover letters that have taken over my existence, I've sought out help from professionals on them to make sure I'm doing it right, and I spend lots of time personalizing them.

I know there isn’t anything anyone can do. I’m here because of what I’ve done. I work out everyday and volunteer as much as I can, hoping my existence can at least help someone else. I try to be kind and loving towards everyone, to strangers, going out of my way to try to help people and hoping that can just be enough even if I'm poor and pathetic. But those are only temporary reliefs. If salvation lies within, I’m in a lot of trouble.

I guess I just wanted to hear someone’s opinion. I almost got in my car the other day to visit the city I used to live in to see Chelsea at her school, so I could see her one last time and say goodbye. And that I hope she’ll always remember me well.

I wish everyone well here in their journeys and appreciate anything anyone has to say, whether it is negative or positive.

Thank you.

I was once told, " if it's not okay, it's not the end."

I think their is a lot of truth in that.

everything has a beginning, everything has an end

where this particular end will be, or what it will be, who knows

but you still have plenty of time to do stuff and try

38 is young

When did you start working this new job? Is there room for growth? Why isn't this sustainable?

38K is not crap. you could be doing much worse. really.....

I don't know your story or anything but take the time, redo your resume and submit it to other jobs that seem more agreeable to you.

go to school...start at community college if you haven't gone anywhere else...get the AA and then move on when you can.

few if anyone walks into a big pay position without college or skills. it would be nice but it doesn't happen. so do something to make it happen. get training, schooling what ever to boost the salary & skills. life doesn't have to suck. entry level positions happen to everyone

sitting around moping ain't going to make it better

Hi lost4357669.

Looking at your achievements peppered through your post (and yes there are achievements) I feel that you are doing better than others. You own a car, have a job, and are motivated to bettering yourself even more. Knowing that you want more is half the battle won.

Finding strategies to get to where you want to be is the hard bit...But as members above have suggested, getting qualified in a field that will bring you more enjoyment, fulfilment and financial gain will take some careful planning.

Dreaming bigger is fine...but start putting plans together step by step to achieve those dreams.You may need to tighten your belt by giving up a few luxuries, or even move to another state to achieve those dreams...but nothing worthwhile is easy. There will undoubtedly be a few stumbles and hurdles along the way...but the best time to start moving toward those goals is now.

I wish you all the very best in your journey...us ordinary people are capable of amazing things.

Dear, you make more than I do....perhaps not our COMBINED income, but I cannot ever see myself making that much. I have a liberal arts degree from a community college. Nothing to brag on. Can you see yourself moving and living in a cheaper place? Are you determined to stay in a big city? Some prefer that. I moved us to Arkansas from Oregon in 2008 and we have a much larger home, for less money/taxes than we did up there. Something to consider anyway.

Have you thought of moving somewhere with a lower cost of living and good job market? All is not lost. You’re doing well and you still have plenty of time to build your career.

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, lost4357669 Please don't be so hard on yourself. You're NOT a failure. You're a strong, wonderful person who's trying to do his best to survive. Be proud of yourself for that. I agree with what all the others have already wisely said better than I ever could. You've been given some great advice on this thread. I'd suggest to follow it if you can. I'll try not to repeat it too much. It seems like you're going through a lot right now. I'm so sorry to hear this. Please don't give up. I'd suggest to just start saving some money for the future. Perhaps you'll be able to go back to school if you save enough money. Please be kind to yourself. You did some wonderful things in your life based on what you wrote. That little girl named Chelsea is right about you: you are wonderful and you will be able to achieve wonderful things! Just try to hang on as much as you can. I'm sure you'll be able to find something better soon. Keep applying for as many jobs as you can, save some money and I promise you that things will be at least a little bit better at some point. Keep fighting! You can do this! You're a strong, wonderful person. Stay strong. Stay safe and take good care of yourself. Please be kind to yourself. You're awesome! You're strong! You're a warrior! I believe in you! We all believe in you! We're all rooting for you! I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, lost4357669. You don't deserve to suffer at all

I just started this past Monday. Possibly room for slow growth but I'm 34 and it's entry level. I'm just so far behind everyone and the people I work with are in their early and mid-20's. I just feel like such a failure.

I appreciate that but 34 isn't young for where I am. Especially without any real marketable skills beyond entry level positions and being completely broke and not having the money to go back to school.

I'm not sure there is truth to that saying. There are so many people in the world that things don't turn out OK for, not everyone has happy endings unfortunately.

I think what really hurts is I don't have plenty of time to try new things. I need to start building something to at least have a half-decent amount to live off of as I get older.

Appreciate the comment but I don't have the money to go back to school, and school is expensive. I've been altering my resumes and doing anything I can to land a decent job and it's just not happening. Everyone wants a college degree.

I'm just stuck, I would put the time in for school but I just can't afford it. And I can't find anything that will pay well enough to be able to save enough to go back to school and still pay all the bills.

I've really, really screwed things up and I don't know if there's a way out other than just scraping by for the rest of my life.

Thank you for the well wishes. I have really tightened my belt but it's not nearly enough to get back to school.

I just lost so much time. And wasted it.

I'm trying so hard right now, spending the majority of my weekends on these resumes and cover letters and searches, getting up at 4am everyday to get a couple of hours in of that before work and staying up late every night.

I can't get past the things people used to say to me, how I was going to be able to do great things, that I was special. They used to call me Patch Adams Jr when I worked with kids at schools and volunteered at Special Olympics. I used to be a guy that was all smiles and knew how to cheer people, especially kids up. I was told I'd be such a great dad.

I might not ever have enough money to support a kid. What kind of woman is going to want to married a guy who's broke in his late 30's? The clock is ticking everyday on that kind of stuff and it doesn't look good. And I'm ashamed to even visit those kids and schools now because of what I am, a disappointment.

I don't know how to cope with it all. I'll keep working on it but I can't enjoy anything in life anymore. It is funny though, it's the easiest time I've ever had with dieting. I used to be a huge foodie that always had a little belly and I'm shedding it fast now because I just super healthy now because I really don't even taste or care about food anymore, I'm just eating so I don't die. I don't even feel hungry anymore since all this depression kicked in.

Sorry this became kind of a rant, you're just trying to help. I hope you're right that things can change.

Thank you for the response. That degree could help you much more than anything I have.

I'm not set on living in Chicago but I'm in such a tight spot right now that I don't even know if I can afford to move. It's that bad.

I'm happy for you that you at least have someone. I mean I'm definitely not ready for any kind of relationship but I don't even know how I can be in 5 years before I'm 40, I'm not going to be able to accrue a lot of wealth. This is a huge rebuilding project I'm going to have to go through. I'm going to be at least that age before I can even think about a relationship, and at that point kids are likely out of the question.

I just don't know how I screwed it all up so badly.

I appreciate that, but I don't have plenty of time now. The job market loves youth. I can't really even afford to move right now. It's even harder to get a job if you're out of state.

I just feel like I'm in a lot of trouble here. I don't know anyone else that's going on 35 and broke and has no real career direction.

I could scrape by the rest of my life and be OK. I could get my happiness from volunteering and playing sports.

It's the shame that's so hard to live with, and something I wonder if I'll be able to. Every day is a struggle. I can't enjoy anything. I put on a fake smile and am nice to everyone and joke around with my friends. But I'm dead inside. Humiliated.

I remember my grandmother before she passed away told me I would fly in this world. My dad came to this country with absolutely nothing and made himself here and put in so much work to give us every opportunity to live out our dreams, or at least put up a good life.

He thinks I'm doing OK, my friends and other family do too. THat's the other hard part. I'm living a lie every day. Faking it. You can only fake at life for so long. People will see eventually see the truth when I'm still living with roommates in a few years in my late 30's and can't go on cool trips and things like that.

I'm trying to believe that all is not lost. I just wish I could be at peace. High anxiety is just a part of me now, when I wake up, all day, sometimes I can't sleep because of it even though I'm dead tired because I wake up so early, and I even have dreams about all this. And I don't know if I can live the rest of my life this way if it doesn't ever stop.

This all sounds whiney and I hope people realize I hold myself fully accountable for everything that's happened. I'm not angry at the world, just myself. I'm not bitter at the people who have it so good. They earned it.

I just wish I could cope with this. I'm not praying to win the lottery or get some kind of major break. I can do what it takes to get by. I just wish it didn't feel so bad.

Thank you, you're an amazing person for encouraging people like that.

I'm fighting as hard as I can. I just don't know if it'll be enough.

What if it doesn't turn though? I remember watching this documentary when I was young called "Hoop Dreams", where a documentary crew followed around these two star high school basketball players that were being recruited where you could see how much people wanted them to succeed and saw them as being special. At the end, one of the kids says "Everyone's always saying to me, 'I hope you don't forget about me if you make it big!' and I just always think 'I hope you don't forget about me if I don't."

And he didn't. And they probably did forget about him.

I was so set on not being one of those people who went to meaningless jobs they hated or weren't stimulated by every day to carve out a middle class living. I thought the joke was on them. I was wrong. I should have just done it. I could have. Even without a college degree, I was on that track when I was young. I just hated not liking my job. I could have just lived with not liking my job and just loving life outside of it.

I probably could've been making close to 100K right now if I had stayed on that track and didn't really even put in much effort. And probably hated it, but the rest of my life would have been fine. I could have built a life and a future. And did what smart people do, simply bear their jobs and build a life outside of it.

Could have, would have, should have, I know. I have to live with it. Or try to, anyway. There is a possibility that money might always be a struggle. It's pretty alarming to be almost 35 without any savings.

I hate being like this. Essentially a zombie. Nothing feels or tastes good anymore. I just try to work as hard as I can every day and hope I'm so tired by the end that I can force myself through the anxiety and shame and sleep before waking up to do it all over again.

I really do wish you all well. I thought it might feel better to get it out here but now I think I just feel guilty about taking the time when people who actually deserve the help are out there.

I don't know if I can do this. I'm so scared right now that I've screwed up my entire life.

Entry level starting at 38K?

Is it the cost of living that makes this seem like a 25K entry level position?
Or is it an Engineering field?

I'm lost as to who brow beat you into stating that a non degree entry level position of 38K is failing?

If you don't mind my asking, did you wind up with accrued debts on something regrettable? I live in one of the more unaffordable states in the nation. Granted wages are up there to offset cost of living, but sure it's cheaper elsewhere but wages don't meet the wages here.

Can you offset housing costs with a roommate? Where else can you adjust your expenses?

What happened with the last job? Why the nagging desire to skip out on a new job that could have sustainable wage increases?