I'm Having a Bad Moment

I went in to see my doctor today. It was a simple reason for going. I needed suggestions on what to eat for IBS. I could have looked it up on the internet I'm sure. I found out that I weigh 190 lbs. I do not normally weigh myself. I felt really disappointed in this information. Even though I know that being a higher weight does not "mean anything." It's more about what you eat, and moving your body to stay healthy. Being overweight, fat, etc, means nothing. It means ****. But I am still so disappointed. I'm devastated. I feel so ugly now. I have gained weight in about a year. I miss being lighter. I wish I did not think this way.

The doctor was also 1 whole hour late to see me. My appt. was at 3. I waited in the room for a whole hour before she came in. She apologized. It seemed like there was some sort of weird miscommunication between her and the nurses. But I cried anyway. I had no idea that would be something that would trigger me to cry. I couldn't stop.

I have been online to "soothe myself." But it's not really helping much. I was looking on Facebook and my 2 cousins who refuse to friend me (and I don't know why) are friends with my other cousin's crazy insane fiancé. I decided to block them. Felt good. I don't need that ****.

I am still feeling really low. I need a hug.

((((((((Ptak)))))))

I hope your day starts to get better.

Diagnoses:
PTSD with Dissociative Symptoms, Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Fibromyalgia and Chronic Pain

I'm sorry you're upset Ptak. It's not fair for the doctor to keep you waiting that long.

That said, maybe you should look into why it upset you so much that you cried. Was it that you found out how much you weighed and were feeling sensitive about it?

Thanks childofchaos and downandlonely.

Yeah I was confused about my crying. It surprised me. But I was feeling very sensitive about my weight after being weighed, and then the doctor didn't come in till an hour later. I actually left, went to the front desk and said "I've been waiting for an hour, my appt. was an hour ago." and then the nurse came out and said "She's coming in to see you." I literally sat in a room for an hour by myself and it felt really lonely and like no one cared. I even thought: "Maybe they don't think I have anything better to do." "Maybe she thinks I'm too fat to be given respect." But I know both of those are interpretations and my thoughts. Not truth. It just added to me feeling upset.

This is just a quick response, but there’s an excellent IBS website called something like Heather’s Tummy Care that has all sorts of info on what to eat, including recipes. Both my husbandand I have found it very helpful.

Thank you Mopey!

Also my tears may have been hormonal. I won't say anymore about that. But yeah.

Hugs.

How are you feeling today?

(((((Hugs)))) Ptak

I know exactly how you feel! I gained so much weight over the past few years. I have been hovering between 200-220 and I feel SO fat and gross. I have tried everything to lose weight, but I am on a fixed income and healthy food is SO expensive!

Anyway, I understand why you cried. Their mess-up cost you an hour alone in a waiting room - it's not fair and not a good feeling.

Hope you are feeling better today though!

Hello Ptak

here's a big, safe for you!

I am sorry you had to wait an hour for the doc and then got disappointing news. It is understandable that you don't feel great about learning that you've gained weight...I think your reaction was very human. That said, please remember that your value is intrinsic...it is not diminished by the number on the scale in any way. You are just as wonderful as you were a year ago when you weighed less.

Though I understand your concerns. I have a friend who struggled with her weight. She found meeting with a nutritionist to be really helpful....someone kind, knowledgeable, and non-judgmental. My friend said she gave her practical tips on day to day choices for food...small manageable changes she could make and then she really saw results over time...the more slowly people lose weight, the easier it is to keep it off. I'm sure a nutritionist could also help you with the IBS.

Go easier on yourself, will you? Grab a piece of paper and write down nice things that people have ever said to you in your life. Write down a few things you like about yourself that have nothing to do with size or weight.

You aren't "fat." You are a lovely person with a bright future!

LadyShadow: Awwww, thank you so much for the validation on waiting in the room for an hour! You reflected back to me and yes it does make sense. I am feeling better about all of that today. In terms of weight and body image, I am very sorry you have to deal with it too. It seems like most people who are "overweight" or just..."not thin" feel this way as well (badly about it). I am reading 2 books right now that are amazing in terms of addressing these issues. One is called Health at Every Size, and the other is the classic book Intuitive Eating. They both really stress that It's not about weight or size. It's about learning to love the body you're in, as well as taking action to take care of physical health. And taking action to take care of physical health does not have to = losing weight. I highly recommend the book Health at Every Size by Linda Bacon.

It's funny, I say all of this, but I still struggle with my own body image! I think maybe a lot of it has to do with having been a smaller size, then having a med change a couple years ago, and gaining weight from that. My weight has gone up and down and up and down with every med change. If I were just a set weight, I feel like I'd be able to settle my thoughts better about whatever that set weight and size was. I was actually this size a few years ago, and for a while too. I just remember it being easier to...accept myself as larger. Then I had a med change, some difficult life transitions too, lost weight due to that, and people left and right were saying "You look amazing! you lost so much weight!" It was painful. Like, I had no idea I didn't look amazing before that to them. It really hurt.

Anyway, sorry for writing a whole book. It's a topic I'm passionate about. I do recommend those two books though that I mentioned above, as well as the book Shrill by Lindy West, if you want to laugh as well as feel empowered about body image. And thank you again.

Cepheid!: Thank you for checking on me and asking! I am feeling better about this. Hugs

I hope your doc didnt whip out one of those BMI and weight charts. They have been proven to be wrong.

Hi SilverTrees! Thank you so much for your kind thoughts. I like your idea of "Writing down nice things that people have ever said about you in your life. That have nothing to do with weight." I will have to try that And yeah, I am not exactly sure what to call my body. I am ok with calling myself fat, but if someone else did I'd probably feel badly. I know there are softer words though. Like curvy I hope you have a great night ps: thank you for your thoughts on seeing a nutritionist. Not a bad idea.

Right? No, she didn't. She has that chart in some of her rooms though. I like my doctor, but...I may at some point (probably at my physical in August) ask her what her own thoughts are as well as training is on this kind of stuff. It's good to talk and communicate. And I don't feel clear on what she thinks about that. She has never told me to lose weight. So that is a good sign. I just think having a dialogue would be good.

So glad you are feeling better Ptak! Honestly, you shouldn't have to have gone through that for their mishandling of your file or office. No excuse for an hour wait! Anyway, thanks so much for the book suggestion! I will definitely pick it up because it seems like something I can learn a lot from.

But you know, even though I am heavier now, I HAVE in fact embraced my "fatness" lol. I am rocking my size 16-18 jeans now, and found love for my body. And you know, I honestly think I don't have all that much to lose, and at 190 I can honestly say you don't really have that much to lose either!

And you know what? I gave away all my "skinny" clothes. Having them around was a reminder how I will never be again. As long as we are healthy and take care of ourselves we will be find at any size!

Thanks again, and again so glad you are feeling better!

LadyShadow, Awesome!!!! That makes me happy to hear.

I hope you're feeling a bit better, Ptak! I'm so sorry you're hurting so much Of course you can have an hug! You can have as many hugs as you want! Here's many hugs for you: I'm so sorry you're feeling this way about your weight! Please remember that you're first and foremost a PERSON above everything else and that your value isn't defined by a number on a scale! It's perfectly normal to want to work on our weight and to start to eat in a healhty and safe way, but remember that you're a strong, wonderful person, whether you feel "fat" or not! I completely agree with what all the wonderful people on this thread have already wisely said better than I ever could! You've been given some great advice on this thread! I'd suggest to follow it! I'm really happy that you're starting to read some books on weight and that they're helping you a bit! Like we've all said, you're MUCH, MUCH more valuable that you think you are! Please remember that! We all love you here regardless of how you look and I'm sure that the people who TRULY love you for who you TRULY are will accept you completely as well! I hope you'll be able to meet some other people that will be able to give you the love and respect that you truly DESERVE, because you ARE WORTH IT and you DO DESERVE IT! Please don't be so hard on yourself! I'm so sorry you've had to wait so long for your doctor! I completely agree with you about talking to him about this and seeing how it goes from there! Maybe that could help! Hopefully he'll listen to you and understand you! Remember that you'll always be loved here no matter what happens! I completely agree with what LadyShadow has already wisely said about trying to see a nutritionist! I feel like that may really help you! I'm sure you'll be able to get through all of this! Just remember that you're a strong, wonderful people regardless of your looks and weight and that you'll ALWAYS look amazing because YOU ARE WONDERFUL, no matter what other people! I hope things will get better soon for you! Please don't give up hope! Try to hang on as much as you can! Sending many hugs to you, Ptak! Remember that we all care about you here! Remember that we all love you here! Feel free to vent and write as much as you need and want! You know we won't judge you! I promise you that! You're a strong, wonderful person and remember that YOU ROCK, NO MATTER WHAT OTHERS SAY! Please remember that!

((((((((((( Ptak )))))))))))