Frustrated with Society and Living Under Fear

So this is my first post in awhile but it is in large part due to my frustration in getting help and support.

Overall I am in a much better state mentally and emotionally than I was during the fall and winter. I have taken a couple of very fulfilling vacations to break away from the sometimes stressful environment at school, plus I have reconnected with numerous family members, some of whom I haven’t seen in years. But going down the grind for my last semester of grad school, struggling with my sleep schedule, and readjusting to uni life has resurfaced some of my intrusive thoughts, many of which I’ve opened up here on PC but feel just as empty as I did before posting.

As I get senioritis toward completing school once and for all, I have some days feeling blue. The same environment that I was initially excited about starting a new chapter in as a freshman has now left me alienated and disillusioned. Even though setting my initial boundaries weeded out toxic and immature environments that led to mental and self-esteem issues in the first place, the constant pressure to conform and strive for perfection seems endless. The world basically reminds me daily that if I’m not completely extroverted and interested in the hookup culture. And what is the advice I get? “Work on your social skills”. “Why do you spend so much time by yourself”. “Hook up with someone, don’t be so serious”. “You’re taking a big risk not getting out”. On and on. When asking about my insecurities toward the opposite sex: “You should change something about your appearance, how you sound when you speak etc”, "You'll only get the chicks once you get the right pick up lines"

Well guess what? I’m tired of striving to please everybody else and live up to their expectations. I love spending time with people, but also enjoy my own company. Having a large network of superficial friendships leaves me drained. I don’t know, I’m pretty sure the university setting by nature is superficial and pressuring to conform, yet I’m afraid of what the future holds socially and emotionally because of previous toxic environments I was exposed to in college. I’m even afraid of even speaking or getting out sometimes because of fear of being judged because of possible pressure to live up to a very narrow checklist of what’s expected of others, or what the “ideal person” should be.

Further adding to my heavy weight is fear in how I view the opposite gender. I used to be all in for maybe finding a potential girlfriend and loved talking with friends about beautiful women we would see day in and day out, but then came along my former crush bragging about her long-time boyfriend all over SM. Then after stumbling onto online articles on the pervasiveness of sexual objectification at the same time, I lie in bed awake at night mentally re-evaluating if I treated an interaction with a woman appropriately or if I truly made a woman feel appreciated or simply viewed a woman as a piece of meat or not. This scare even extends to women that I pass by. I even avoid any content containing images of beautiful women, like Google searches of previous fav celebs and mags with images of lovely celebs or prominent models. My fears of me being just a dirty piece of meat have been confirmed. These fears have left me afraid of even speaking to women. I frequently engage in avoidance behavior, like avoid crowds with women involved and even avoid casual conversations with women out of constantly fearing that I will make a mistake in what I say or if I objectify a woman or not. I don't even know what the term means anyway. People overall are generally unhelpful and rude anytime I express my fears with women and concerns over if I am normal or a dirty little perv.

So there you have it. My verdict? Living in fear and conforming is the only way to go.