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Old 04-16-2019, 08:35 AM #1
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Default Finally figured it out.

Long. I don't expect anyone to read all of this, but it's mostly for me, sorting thoughts out and making lists.

I've always had annoying intense obsessions for things, then suddenly loose interest and move onto something else. I've always wanted to know why because it seems other people don't have this problem, or at least I couldn't find anything about it online.
Original thread about this: Nervousness over something stupid

Recently I read read something about that mentioned being obsessed/addicted to things, then losing interest and moving onto other things, and it said that the ego is behind it. It said that the actual obsessions are just themes the ego uses for attention. I had already worked out that that they were just themes but didn't know what was underneath, keeping them going, so I was halfway there.

So I realised that the ego is at the root of the obsessions, since they all revolve showing off and trying to get attention and reaction from others. I also realised it's in a lot of other things too. Now I am definitely not as bad as I used to be in my teens and 20s, but it's still there, controlling me. In fact my ego trips are mostly confined to daydreams now, probably to avoid embarrassment and shame.

Main ways the ego comes through (or has in the past):

- When I was very young (first school age, so under 10) I used to lie and make up stories to get attention. Things that never happened, some of these things were impossible. Maybe I was trying to make myself sound more interesting, because I was too boring. Maybe this wasn't even ego at all but over active imagination.

- Intense obsessions. When I was younger (again, under 10), I had normal obsessions that all kids have, maybe mine were a little more intense, but still considered acceptable and there was no ego around them. I did sometimes daydream about having things I couldn't have, but they were normal. And then around age 11, they changed, now I started being obsessed with objects that I wanted. Some of these I got, most I didn't. If I had one then I'd brag about it, shove it in everyone's faces as much as possible. If not then I'd have to daydream about having one and showing off in the daydreams. I have now realised that these objects I was obsessed with were only themes for the ego to use.

- Daydreams (fantasies?) of having obsession objects (that I can't have) and showing off/getting attention. Includes fake forum posts bragging about it and getting attention (either positive or negative) even know the responses are obviously also fake and made up by myself (ego). Also includes fake forum posts pretending to know all about something. When I was younger, I actually did this, but now it's confined to daydreams only.

...

Things I've done, or still do, that have the ego behind them (with approximate age range):

- The lies/stories I made up when I was a kid (under 10)
I used to make up what people called "tall tales". Of course nobody beleived me and told me to stop. So I did stop doing that by the time I moved up into middle school.

- Bragging if I had an obsession object (10-30)
This was where the obsessions started to get worse, more intense. If I could get the object of obsession then I would brag about it, shove it in other people's faces all the time etc. This was worst during teens and early 20s, then I probably realised nobody cared and calmed down. I haven't been able to buy an obsession object for a while so I don't know if it would happen again.

- Repeating things that got attention (10-22)
Sometimes I would say something to someone and they would agree, actually take notice. So knowing that they liked that I'd keep repeating it every day or so. Eventually they would say things like "I know, don't go on and go." Then I would realise how stupid and embarrassing it was and stop. But then I'd do it again with something else. Stopped doing that in my early 20s.

- Making fake accounts/people on online forums (16-19)
I wrote all about this in another thread ages ago. In my teens I had a forum on Ezboard and nobody joined it. I made up fake accounts pretending to be other people and posted as them (talking to myself) to make myself (and the board) look popular. It did attract a few real people but not many. I sometimes used these accounts on a few other forums too. This wasted too much time and eventually I let some of them leave and then I deleted the forum. Haven't done it again since.

- Insulted someone to make me feel good (I think) (16 or 17, only happened once)
This was a one off thing and I think I've wrote about it before. For some reason I decided to insult someone on a forum (not my own). Though it was a lame insult with no real malice behind it, it blew out of proportion and I started a massive flame war. I couldn't back down because my ego wanted to sound good. I've never done this again.

- Annoyed at being ignored (18-24)
This happened on a few sites but mostly on Livejournal. Nobody responded to my posts and I'd get annoyed and frustrated. Even worse if someone deleted me, I'd actually get offended and annoyed and, (this is very egoic) wish I had known they were going to do it so I could delete them first. I was ignored everywhere else too, now I just don't care. I don't do anything to try to impress others.

- Pretending I'm an expert (14-25)
If I knew something about something I'd tell everyone. If the subject came up I'd tell them all I knew (which was usually very little) and pretend to know more than I did. I pretended to be a "expert" at a few things, which I was not, nowhere near. I can't remember what happened with this, but someone probably did pull me up about it, and I stopped (though I still it in daydreams).

- Exaggerate positive, cover up negative (20-now)
This is mainly online where people don't know me. I'm only on one other forum (other than this one, and I don't do this here). If I have something positive I will exaggerate it to make people like me, but I will leave out the negatives because that will push them away. I still do this on the other forum, and it's not as bad as I used to be. Since I joined this site I've been writing aabout and confessing the negative truths, the bits I hide everywhere else.

- Daydreaming about fake online forums, pretending to be expert/know more (22-now)
This is the same as the 7th point, but now I only do it in daydreams and it's usually on a fake online forum rather than with people. Sometimes, rarely it might be with people. Still it's the ego showing off and feels bad.

- Daydreaming about abusing obsession objects or telling everyone I do (30 - now)
I've wrote about this before and no idea what I get out of it, but I assume it's just the egos cry for attention. Even though it's all just imagined so I'm not getting attention, the ego still feeds off it. This is confined to daydreams because I can't have the obsession objects. I'm sure that if I could I would do this all the time.

- Pretended to abuse a obsession object I actually had (30)
This was a one off, as above but I actually could get that thing. So I pretended I did a few things with it that I didn't, just to get attention. It dodn't work, I didn't really get attention, so I stopped.

...

Things I still do, and what I need to do about them
I'm glad I've stopped doing most of those things, that's good but there's still 3 things.

- Exaggerate positive, cover up negative (20-now)
I only really do this online now, and I'm only on one other site where I do this. It's mild but I need to stop exaggerating, and maybe even mention some of the things I've done wrong. I'm not perfect, so stop pretending to be. That's the reason I joined this site, to write about the things I can't write about anywhere else because they're too embarrassing.

- Daydreaming about fake online forums, pretending to be expert/know more (22-now)
Fortunately I only do this in daydreams now, but it's still feeding the ego and building it up, and it's a waste of time. So I need to stop. The people in my daydreams are fake so what's the point in telling them anyway? What's the point in trying to show off to fake people? I've already been working on this, today and yesterday I've caught myself a few times, when I start to think about this, and I stop. Need to keep doing that until I stop having those daydreams altogether.

- Daydreaming about abusing obsession objects or telling everyone I do (30 - now)
As above. Pointless and makes no sense, stop doing it. Though I've been doing it less as I've been losing interest in obsessions. These have already become rare, but still pop up now and again.

...

So now I have totally lost interest in the main obsession, and the side obsession never really came to anything and now that's fading away. So I've already done some good. If I can keep ignoring the ego's cries for attention, it might go away. And then I'm hoping I will be free of obsessions. It feels like I'm almost free now, but still needs a bit more work.

I still do daydream and fantasise about M (a guy I have a crush on, on the other forum I'm on), I was worried that maybe he would be my new obsession. But this feels different, I've never been obsessed with people before. This just feels like a normal crush, and I hope it stays that way.
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Old 04-18-2019, 05:09 AM #2
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Default Re: Finally figured it out.

Just adding to this (as there's no option to edit?):

After writing all of that and getting the main things out, I noticed some other little things. The main one, I can't write about because it's very personal and if anyone I know is on this site and reads it, they will know it's me.

But another major one is trying to look good when there's no point. The main place I do this is on Goodreads, if I feel like I'm taking too long to read a short book then I'll feel it looks bad. Then I'll set it as read before I've finished it. Now I have no friends and the people I know don't look at it.

Nobody is going to look at my profile unless some random person stumbles across it, and why should I care what they think? Why should I care what anyone thinks? It's meaningless. Nobody cares how long I took to finish a book, that's ridiculous. But of course, the ego cares and it doesn't want to be bruised. It obviously thinks I'm so important that people actually care and look at my profile and the dates of when I started and finished a book. How ridiculous!

Well I don't care that it thinks, I'm going to take as long as I need to finish them and tick them off when I do, and not care at all what it looks like. I am not that important, nobody cares, it doesn't matter.
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Old 04-22-2019, 09:35 AM #3
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Default Re: Finally figured it out.

Yesterday I said that I could stop the egoic daydreams but others were OK. But I think all of them seem to be egoic, if not as obvious at first. Or almost all, I think the only ones that are OK are the ones where I'm trying to work out an answer to something, these usually take the form of a fake conversation.

But then I'm not sure if those are actually daydreams as such, maybe something else. But even when I'm just daydreaming (fantasising) about things I want and can't have, there is some ego in that. I'm giving myself something I shouldn't have, something I don't deserve, and that sort of thing has to be ego. And what about my daydream/fantasies about M? That's egoic too because I think that some guy will actually want to go out with me! But these are much milder than the showing off ones, so I might not be too harsh on these ones yet. Eventually they will probably have to go though. After all, they do waste time.

So yes, I have to stop all daydreams. Only think about useful things that I need to think about, in whatever way that works, but if I don't have anything useful to think about then don't think at all. And obviously if I'm doing something then I should be concentrating on that. I have stopped every daydream I've started having today and brought my attention back to what I'm doing.
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