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Default Apr 19, 2019 at 06:10 AM
  #1
I have been receiving a lot of negative input lately, from different directions... from friends and from work.

I was insulted at work by a colleague, in front of other colleagues. A close gf of mine talked down to me the other day on the phone, repeating to me "do you understand?" as though I am a 5 year-old. Then a new gf told me and my fiance, just before we're getting married "I hope it works out".

I feel flooded by negative input and need to emotionally distance myself from all of it.

How does one accomplish that exactly?

Right now, I am totally sick of people and don't even want to be around anyone. I want to hole up by myself in response.

But I still have to work, and we're going out this weekend, so I will see friends.

But honestly? I don't want to see a single person.
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Default Apr 19, 2019 at 06:17 AM
  #2
I’m working on the same issue, trying to not let others negativity put me into a bad mood.

I’ll try to take a deep breath, step back, not confront, and try to put it out of my mind. It’s their problem, not yours.

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Default Apr 19, 2019 at 06:26 AM
  #3
Thanks, Tisha! I actually DID confront the one woman on her comment to me and my fiance. I wrote about it in the relationship forum. That helped me a little bit. I wasn't going to let it slide. But yeah, typically, I will allow negative input from others to eat me up inside for days on end. I don't want to do that right now. I want to learn how to distance myself from it and not allow it to effect me so much.
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Default Apr 19, 2019 at 06:29 AM
  #4
I let it eat me up inside, too! We gotta stop this!

I saw your other thread. People tend to say such thoughtless things. It’s a reflection of what is in them, not of you.

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Default Apr 19, 2019 at 06:31 AM
  #5
Omg, they do!!!!!! Yes, so how do we stop it? I's easy to distract oneself, but for me, the thoughts & bad feelings inevitably come back. We need a method!!!! lol. Hmm... so how do you stop yourself from feeling bad from negative input from others? The million dollar question of the day!
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Default Apr 19, 2019 at 06:52 AM
  #6
Radical acceptance. People are what they are. They say and do hurtful things. If we have nothing to do with them, we are lonely and isolated and very unhappy. If we have enough to do with them that we feel connected, we need to protect and control ourselves to not fall into their crap.

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Default Apr 19, 2019 at 06:59 AM
  #7
I don't know about that. I don't accept the unacceptable. When people do and say unacceptable things, I cannot just radically accept it.
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Default Apr 19, 2019 at 07:02 AM
  #8
I agree with @Trishabuv. Radical acceptance helps me. Its really hard not to let people who say nasty things to us to let it go. Part of what helps me is to acknowledge to myself that there is no truth to what has been said. I seriously think about it too. I think about if there is anything I did to encourage such unsolicited advice and usually there isn't anything. One attitude I have adjusted which is really freeing is...a I'll try to be PG here but its the F**k off attitude. If someone has an opinion about me or says something to me they can go f**k themselves. I am not saying that telling them that is the best choice(although I admit I have said it to someone before and the shock value is priceless) but its very freeing. Even said to yourself is freeing. Seriously, who asked for the comments? Who are they to say crap to me (especially if they need to take their own advice)? I find that some people say to me what they do not like or fear in themselves. Isn't it easier to criticize people then turn the lens inwards sometimes? I am very flawed and far from perfect but in no way am I going to give someone else's useless, baseless, stupid,ignorant, insignificant, unhelpful, nasty, any power in my life. Easier said then done of course. You got this girl!

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Default Apr 19, 2019 at 07:03 AM
  #9
But, I have found they all do, somewhat. Even my kindest friends have uttered something not so thoughtful one time, maybe.

Definitely eliminate people who are often too negative though. That’s self protection.

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Default Apr 19, 2019 at 07:06 AM
  #10
“people say to me what they do not like or fear in themselves.” True! And what makes us reel over the comment is that is is somewhat true about us and we start obsessing over them getting under our thin skin.

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Default Apr 19, 2019 at 07:29 AM
  #11
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Originally Posted by golden_eve View Post
I don't know about that. I don't accept the unacceptable. When people do and say unacceptable things, I cannot just radically accept it.
“Radical acceptance” doesn’t mean you accept or allow bad behavior. You accept the fact that this person is a mess, it can’t be changed, they are who they are and you just not going to be influenced by them. Their opinion doesn’t matter

You distance yourself (emotionally or physically) or break up or stop friendship or whatever you need to do but you get them out of your head. You don’t spend your life ruminating why they they say this or that. Accept that you can’t control them. You can only control yourself. Radical acceptance isn’t being a doormat. It’s a bit opposite actually.
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Default Apr 19, 2019 at 07:34 AM
  #12
Don’t place importance on people’s opinions. Especially people who aren’t particularly that important. Why does it matter what some new so called friend says or a colleague?

Could it be related to confidence and self esteem issue. Usually when you feel confident, other people’s opinion don’t mean as much. Do you talk to your therapist about it?
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Default Apr 19, 2019 at 07:40 AM
  #13
Take your friend’s comment, “I hope it works out.” It was a rude comment. It was motivated by her prior experiences or by her jealousy. It certainly had nothing to do with you, in this case. It means nothing at all.

If I had much good connection with this friend, I may have overlooked stupid comment. Maybe I am a bit of a doormat. IME, more people have made similar faux pas, and I can’t just dump everybody. But, her making such a comment, is probably an indication that she is not a good friend. So way to go trusting your gut there.

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Default Apr 19, 2019 at 08:40 AM
  #14
I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, golden_eve! I completely agree with what all the other great, wise, wonderful posters have already wisely said better than I ever could! You've been given lots og reat, wise, wonderful advice on this thread! I'd suggest to follow it as much as you possibly can if you want to! I completely agree with ALL of you when you say that we can't change other people but we CAN change ourselves! It's hard not to let people hurt ourselves with what they do or say, but we have to keep fighting and to try your best! That's all we humans can do after all and it's ALWAYS more than enough! Try not to pay ANY attention to their comments if they hurt you! Most importantly, try to surround yourself ONLY with people who truly love you and respect you for who you truly are! Of course even our closest friends and family members can make some mistakes, but if they truly love us I'm sure they'll apologize whenever that happens! Please try to get away from toxic people in your life! Life is too short and there's no place for them in our lives! It's just self-preservation after all! You need and deserve to take care of yourself first and to surround yourself with people that will truly accept you and truly love you for who you truly are! Life is precious and we DO need to use it as well as we ALL can! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! I feel like that's VERY important! Sending many hugs to you, golden_eve!
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Default Apr 19, 2019 at 10:57 AM
  #15
Thank you all. I really appreciate your replies and support!

It does not have to do with a lack of confidence or self esteem on my part. It has to do with being very sensitive to negative comments and mistreatment.
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Default Apr 19, 2019 at 11:07 AM
  #16
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Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
I agree with @Trishabuv. Radical acceptance helps me. Its really hard not to let people who say nasty things to us to let it go. Part of what helps me is to acknowledge to myself that there is no truth to what has been said. I seriously think about it too. I think about if there is anything I did to encourage such unsolicited advice and usually there isn't anything. One attitude I have adjusted which is really freeing is...a I'll try to be PG here but its the F**k off attitude. If someone has an opinion about me or says something to me they can go f**k themselves. I am not saying that telling them that is the best choice(although I admit I have said it to someone before and the shock value is priceless) but its very freeing. Even said to yourself is freeing. Seriously, who asked for the comments? Who are they to say crap to me (especially if they need to take their own advice)? I find that some people say to me what they do not like or fear in themselves. Isn't it easier to criticize people then turn the lens inwards sometimes? I am very flawed and far from perfect but in no way am I going to give someone else's useless, baseless, stupid,ignorant, insignificant, unhelpful, nasty, any power in my life. Easier said then done of course. You got this girl!
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Default Apr 19, 2019 at 11:07 AM
  #17
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Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky View Post
I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, golden_eve! I completely agree with what all the other great, wise, wonderful posters have already wisely said better than I ever could! You've been given lots og reat, wise, wonderful advice on this thread! I'd suggest to follow it as much as you possibly can if you want to! I completely agree with ALL of you when you say that we can't change other people but we CAN change ourselves! It's hard not to let people hurt ourselves with what they do or say, but we have to keep fighting and to try your best! That's all we humans can do after all and it's ALWAYS more than enough! Try not to pay ANY attention to their comments if they hurt you! Most importantly, try to surround yourself ONLY with people who truly love you and respect you for who you truly are! Of course even our closest friends and family members can make some mistakes, but if they truly love us I'm sure they'll apologize whenever that happens! Please try to get away from toxic people in your life! Life is too short and there's no place for them in our lives! It's just self-preservation after all! You need and deserve to take care of yourself first and to surround yourself with people that will truly accept you and truly love you for who you truly are! Life is precious and we DO need to use it as well as we ALL can! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! I feel like that's VERY important! Sending many hugs to you, golden_eve!
Thank you, Mickey!!
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Default Apr 19, 2019 at 11:08 AM
  #18
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Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
Take your friend’s comment, “I hope it works out.” It was a rude comment. It was motivated by her prior experiences or by her jealousy. It certainly had nothing to do with you, in this case. It means nothing at all.

If I had much good connection with this friend, I may have overlooked stupid comment. Maybe I am a bit of a doormat. IME, more people have made similar faux pas, and I can’t just dump everybody. But, her making such a comment, is probably an indication that she is not a good friend. So way to go trusting your gut there.
I agree!!! She’s definitely not a good friend!
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Default Apr 19, 2019 at 11:13 AM
  #19
I figured out something, with all of your help with this.

People’s crappy treatment and/or comments says everything about them and nothing about me. I don’t need to internalize THEIR crap. It’s on them to own, not me. I push it back on them.. why were you disrespectful? Because you’re probably feeling crappy about your own self esteem and life. So don’t put that crap on me. Own it yourself. You feel like crap and you’re trying to bring ME down with u. Well I’m not going to let that happen. People need to own their own crappy feelings and not project them.
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Default Apr 19, 2019 at 11:29 AM
  #20
The friend who said “I hope it works out” does sound like a rude comment to me also .... was she having a bad day? How to distance from the negative, a very good question. If they are repeatedly negative and rude, they aren’t a friend ... their opinion which they spout out is about them and their insecurities. Could it be this friend is jealous. I don’t know


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