Emotional Fatigue

Whenever life gave me hell I always fought back. I've seen and been through some stuff, heart attacks, a body in decline, an abusive first marriage that ended in suicide, raising a child in poverty and scraping up again from the bottom. Everything I went through stopped becoming something that happened to me and became instead a teaching moment. Everything had a silver lining.
I was the person that refused to be a victim of circumstance. Sure I had some rotten luck every step, but everything had a silver lining. I had my dreams, goals, passion and purpose.
For a while my hard work paid off. I remarried, we had the perfect house, the boring life, normal problems, easy solutions. It was honestly so idyllic I was convinced the last heart attack had actually taken me out and I was in Heaven. Unfortunately nothing lasts forever.

My physical health began to slip. The medicine made me tired. Then my mental health took a dive. I tried so hard to glue myself together to be the wife and mother my family deserved, but the harder I tried the worse everything became. Still those silver linings kept me afloat. Suddenly my world abruptly changed.
Both my husband and my daughter decided they wanted nothing to do with me. I was toxic, a monster, uncontrolled and drowning in a sea of paranoia and arguments. Here I sit now, 9 hours away from the place i once called home. That home my husband gave to my daughter while he moved into my best friends' house. No one wanted me around any more.
I've lost that purpose. I have been mom for nearly 20 years, but she doesn't call anymore. I have been a diligent wife (until I couldn't anymore) but now I am the recipient of the rare biting text message giving me updates on the divorce proceedings.

I can't find any more silver linings. My body is dying, and it hurts. The emotions are somewhat well controlled with medication and therapy, but I don't have that manic happy to propel me anymore. I've lost a family, a best friend, and even my needy little dog in all this.
Most days I lie in a bed in a family member's spare room. She tries so hard to make life easy, so I dont push myself too hard, but I start to wonder what I'm saving up all this energy for in the first place. Dying is dying, its final, and I have so little control over it.
I miss my home, my family, my best friend, my stupid little dog. I want nothing more than those creature comforts back, to spend my last few years being the best wife and mother I can be, to wake in my bed staring at my wedding picture and go into the day knowing I am loved and that all the pain of daily life is worth it because my family smiles for me.
I am so very tired these days. It's the kind of bone tired that feels like I've already died and I live in my own personal pan hell over and over again. Many days I can't seem to make it out of bed, and sleep becomes the only solace from the fatigue of life. I am not a victim, but I hold no purpose either. I'm too tired for purpose.

sending you prayers and hugs. you still are worthy