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KD1980
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Default May 02, 2019 at 02:32 PM
  #1
I am lately remembering being misunderstood and painted as a "bad friend" by a cruel and vindictive former friend. He said a lot of mean and horrible things to me, and I didn't deserve it. Basically, he believed I wasn't supportive when his fiancee cheated on him. I wasn't trying to be insensitive, but my cousin had died around the same time and I couldn't do emotional labor for two people at once.

I tried to explain this to him but he was very unreasonable and didn't want to listen. I apologized, but instead of helping me rebuild the friendship, he decided to get revenge on me by being mean to me.

This happened 10 years ago. Now that I am in therapy, I'm revisiting it and dwelling on it. What he did to me was really unfair, but there's no way I can change it now.

How can I cope with these feelings and stop wasting energy on this guy? It's easier said than done.
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Default May 02, 2019 at 02:59 PM
  #2
I think you need to realize that you did the best you could when he struggled and that you did have challenges at the time. You are probably hanging on to guilt and self blaming when you shouldn't but instead did the best you could at the time.
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Default May 02, 2019 at 03:22 PM
  #3
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Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
I think you need to realize that you did the best you could when he struggled and that you did have challenges at the time. You are probably hanging on to guilt and self blaming when you shouldn't but instead did the best you could at the time.
You're right, I did the best I could at the time. I don't think I feel guilty or self blame. I just hate the way he treated me. It was unfair.
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Default May 02, 2019 at 04:28 PM
  #4
I'm sorry that you have that experience in your past. I'm sorry your friend was a jerk to you, misunderstood you, and hurt you. I'm glad you don't feel guilt or self blame. I hope you feel better soon.

There's a lot you can do to cope. Here are some things I thought of: 1. I hope you know you're not the only person with these types of hurtful memories and experiences in their past. You're not alone. 2. Can you distract yourself w a hobby or talking to a friend? 3. Maybe volunteer helping people who have it worse. Be the change you want to see.

"If you ever get the chance to treat them the way they treated you, I hope you choose to walk away and do better."
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Default May 02, 2019 at 06:21 PM
  #5
I think not blaming yourself for having these feelings is helpful. He treated you very badly... you’re definitely not alone. I’ve been treated very similarly by a former friend ..if you’re gentle with self it will help you to heal.

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Default May 05, 2019 at 01:02 PM
  #6
He behaved like an angry child. Thus he was very immature in his actions. Good that you are letting go of him.

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Default May 05, 2019 at 01:15 PM
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He behaved like an angry child. Thus he was very immature in his actions. Good that you are letting go of him.
Thank you very much. Yes, I am so glad you can see he was childish and behaved like an angry child. At the time I was 23 and he was 37. I still wasn't as immature as him (even though I made mistakes).
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Default May 06, 2019 at 06:28 AM
  #8
I'm so sorry you've been treated this badly, KD1980! I COMPLETELY AGREE with what all the other wise, wonderful posters have already wisely said better than I ever could! He DID act very childish and I'm REALLY HAPPY that you're realizing that and that you're not blaming yourself because of it because it WAS NOT YOUR FAULT, KD1980, of course! Keep working with your therapist! Right now you're dealing with your past experiences and it will be a little painful at first, but I'm SURE that you will feel better and better after getting through ALL OF THIS, KD1980! I PROMISE YOU THAT! PLEASE REMEMBER ALL OF THAT BECAUSE IT IS TRUE!!!!! Just keep fighting, keep working on yourself and keep trying your best, ok? That's ALL we humans can do after all and it's ALWAYS more than enough! I'm wishing you PLENTY of peace and quiet, KD1980, especially within yourself! Sending many hugs to you, KD1980!!!!!
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Default May 09, 2019 at 09:47 AM
  #9
No, you didn’t deserve this and it was unfair. The thing is he’s not there and you’re still dwelling on it. He has most likely moved on, and if he didn’t that’s not your problem. The only person you’re hurting is yourself. Give yourself a break.

It took some work but I’m no longer letting people live rent free in my head who aren’t loving to me and vice versa.
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Default May 10, 2019 at 09:27 AM
  #10
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No, you didn’t deserve this and it was unfair. The thing is he’s not there and you’re still dwelling on it. He has most likely moved on, and if he didn’t that’s not your problem. The only person you’re hurting is yourself. Give yourself a break.

It took some work but I’m no longer letting people live rent free in my head who aren’t loving to me and vice versa.
Giving myself a break is necessary, but it's easier said than done.

I have complex PTSD, so logical approaches don't really work for me in these cases. Of course, we shouldn't let people live rent free in our heads, but trauma doesn't really care about that.

I wish people would remember that mentally ill people post here and we can't just shut off our issues using a switch.
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Default May 11, 2019 at 01:34 PM
  #11
You might want to look into the practice of compassionate abiding:

Relieve Distress By Allowing It: Compassionate Abiding 101 | Mindset: Perspective Is Everything

There is also a therapy that might interest you: Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). A core part of ACT is
Quote:
allowing unwanted private experiences (thoughts, feelings and urges) to come and go without struggling with them,
so that the focus of one's life can be on moving towards acting on one's commitments and values.

Acceptance and commitment therapy - Wikipedia
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