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Quanticia
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Default May 20, 2019 at 03:36 PM
  #1
I've loved fighting since childhood. It makes no sense - I have the most loving family one could dream of! Lately it's growing disturbingly worse...

I remember punching the hell out of a boy in the nursery, 100% unprovoked, for kicks (I'm a girl). In primary school, provoking older, bigger guys wasn't beyond me - guys, because "normal girls" didn't fight. I gradually dropped the habit. Even chose girl scouts over karate classes. I went full classic nerd, quiet, books, glasses etc., and took out my drives in art.

In secondary school things got a dark turn. I got bullied, getting beaten daily for two years straight. Physically, emotionally, got molested, thrown off the stairs... I never backed down from a fight out of principle, although I knew my efforts looked utterly ridiculous. I even went against a gang of five boys once - by choice. The fighting part always felt great, though the losing part didn't. I also became self-taught in throwing knives. Don't worry, actually cutting someone never crossed my mind, but it was a peculiar hobby for someone who was never before interested in acrobatics. Bullying stopped when I quit reacting to it. I changed school and never provoked a fight again - except for that one time, when a poor mesmerized boy touched my butt. It was a verbal fight, with a huge audience.

Now I'm 32 and I still dream of getting into gang fights. Running. Punching. Going against bullies and winning. And I still play with knives But...

Lately it's grown worse. I'm imagining straight-up killing people. I don't want to actually do it, I hate hurting others (and feel physical pain at the sight of someone suffering - fight bruises don't count), but I still get a sick, needy rush in the thought. I usually imagine doing it in self-defense to make it more justified. At first it was clean, but it's starting to grow disturbingly graphic. I come up with psychopathic, soul-scarring threats to say, and wonder how my friends would react if I straight-out cut the throats of people who'd try to rape me. I really enjoy it - only to feel utterly horrified the next moment. I bounce back and forth between my normal, caring self and a cold, unfeeling, ruthless psycho. And what's worse, there's nothing I can think of that has made my fantasies to escalate like this. Despite being in control of myself, I'm scared I'm turning into a monster.

What is happening to me??? Why??? Am I born to be messed up???

Last edited by Quanticia; May 20, 2019 at 04:25 PM..
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Quanticia
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Default May 21, 2019 at 06:15 AM
  #2
Update: I thought a lot on the problem, and managed stopping both the murderous fantasies and the need for them. It turns out it was a symbol of me being able to outmatch the worst life has to offer. It wasn't about harming people, but about being able to be on the level with the worst challenges - and ended up turning myself into one. Thankfully, this seems to be over now.
Still, my generic tendency to like violence hasn't vanished. I wish I could figure it out.
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Default May 21, 2019 at 11:20 AM
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Originally Posted by Quanticia View Post
Update: I thought a lot on the problem, and managed stopping both the murderous fantasies and the need for them. It turns out it was a symbol of me being able to outmatch the worst life has to offer. It wasn't about harming people, but about being able to be on the level with the worst challenges - and ended up turning myself into one. Thankfully, this seems to be over now.

Still, my generic tendency to like violence hasn't vanished. I wish I could figure it out.


Great insight! I often find after I put my thoughts on here I find my own answers. I don’t really have experience with your particular issue but somebody else on here is bound to and the feedback is always tremendously helpful.
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