advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
Catrionn
Member
 
Catrionn's Avatar
Catrionn has no updates.
 
Member Since: Aug 2017
Location: U.S.
Posts: 25
5 yr Member
25 hugs
given
Default May 27, 2019 at 10:22 AM
  #1
I know that I haven’t had as bad a life as some people have - never been in a violent situation, so I probably don’t have PTSD. And I’m pretty sure a lot of my trouble is that I’m just too sensitive.

But lately, I’m really having an emotional crisis.

About four or five years ago, my long-term live-in boyfriend and I started having problems, which he attributed to his health issues and depression. He tried everything he could to convince me that he still loved me, but the scared little kid in me was sure he was going to dump me. So I moved out. We never did really totally break up or let go of each other, though. After I had been living apart for about four years, we agreed to move back in together and try again. (That’s the short version.)

Back in January of this year, I was fired from my job - and at the age of 55, that’s terrifying. Thank god I have family and friends who were there for me. But during the time of February and March, I developed horrible anxiety, complete with panic attacks.

To back up in time a bit - my mother died of cancer about 18 months ago. This is the sequence of events: 1) trouble in relationship; 2) mother’s illness and death; and 3) fired from job.

So, I moved back in with L, my bf, two months ago. And almost one month ago, I started a new job. The new job is going well so far.

But I still have anxiety and occasional panic attacks. I tend to project that anxiety into the relationship with L. I’m worried all the time that he doesn’t love me as much as I love him, and that my leaving totally ruined the relationship. (When I’m feeling saner, I remind myself that he DID agree to us trying again. And things between us have been going relatively well. I can’t expect the relationship to get repaired quickly and easily.)

I’m also having a lot of thoughts about my childhood and younger years. I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life and I’ve really screwed up my life. I go on Facebook and see people I knew in high school and college, and they’ve achieved all the things I wanted - 30 year marriages, 30 year careers, kids almost grown up - and I feel like a failure in comparison. I had one six-year marriage that ended in divorce, and now I’ve been with L for 17 years, but we never got legally married and never had kids and we went through that time apart. And my career has had its ups and downs. So, I feel like a big F-up compared to everybody else. (And when I’m feeling saner, I tell myself, at least I’ve never been in jail and I’ve never been in rehab.)

But there are days when I feel terrible, and I remember my earlier years when I had good opportunities that I didn’t take advantage of, because I’ve always been sort of screwed up in the head. And I cry sometimes missing my mother, and just the way life used to be. I remember some of the worst times in my life (fifth grade, seventh grade) and now those seem like the good old days. My mom was still there, and I was still a kid and there were good things ahead in my life.

Now I’m feeling a lot of screw-ups and missed opportunities and losses. I miss my mom, and I dread the thought that my dad and my aunt and uncle are going to die someday, too. Mostly, I feel bad wondering if there are any good times left ahead for me - or if I’m going to have to feel terrible for the whole rest of my life.
Catrionn is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
MickeyCheeky, Quanticia
 
Thanks for this!
MickeyCheeky

advertisement
MickeyCheeky
Legendary
 
MickeyCheeky's Avatar
MickeyCheeky My echo is the only voice coming back
 
Member Since: Jun 2016
Location: Italy
Posts: 11,817 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
38.4k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default May 27, 2019 at 02:12 PM
  #2
It seems like you've been through A LOT, Catrionn! I'm so sorry to hear that! Do you see a therapist? Maybe that could help! You could learn new things and new ways to cope with your feelings! I feel like it may REALLY HELP YOU right now! Please DO consider it if you're not already seeing one, ok? I also feel like it'd be useful to make a list of things that you should be PROUD of! Just make a short list and read it everytime you feel down! Perhaps you can also make some sort of daily list of your own accomplishments! Maybe that could work! Most important, take GREAT care of yourself in EVERY aspect of your life! Do some physical exercise, eat well and ALL of those things! Avoid comparing yourself with other people as well! You don't know for certain what they're going through right now and most importantly, people on social media only post the BEST part of their lives, so it's normal that their life would seem pretty amazing by cutting out all the "bad" stuff, right? You've said that when you get rational you can actually SEE all the things you've accomplished, right? Can I ask you WHAT makes you feel more rational during those moments? Perhaps you coul start from there and work from there! Please remember that life can be good and that THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE! THAT'S A PROMISE! I PROMISE YOU ALL OF THAT BECAUSE IT IS TRUE! PLEASE REMEMBER ALL OF THAT AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN BECAUSE IT IS TRUE! THAT'S A PROMISE! DEFINITELY LET US KNOW HOW THINGS ARE GOING FOR YOU! WE ALL CARE ABOUT YOU! THAT'S A PROMISE! WISH YOU GOOD LUCK! Let us know how things are going for you and your boyfriend, ok? WE ALL CARE ABOUT YOU! THAT'S A PROMISE! Sending many kind, safe, sweet, warm and WONDERFUL hugs to you, Catrionn, JUST LIKE YOU ARE BECAUSE IT IS TRUE AND YOU KNOW IT!
MickeyCheeky is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Quanticia
Catrionn
Member
 
Catrionn's Avatar
Catrionn has no updates.
 
Member Since: Aug 2017
Location: U.S.
Posts: 25
5 yr Member
25 hugs
given
Default May 27, 2019 at 05:33 PM
  #3
Thank you so much for your answer. It really means a lot.

I have an appointment with a therapist coming up the week after next. I’m also trying to find a psychiatrist for med checks - I have only been living in this area for two months. I’m wondering if my meds need changing. I’m trying to find someone who specializes in anxiety.
Catrionn is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 04:05 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.