My guards are so up!

I'm noticing a pattern in my life:

Some people who respect others treat me rudely once they get used to me.

Of course, there are people who are respectful towards everyone including me. But those are acquaintances or causal friends.

But the ones that get close to me always show this pattern.

It makes me not want to be myself anymore. It makes me want to become who I am not:

An uptight person who is too intimidating to mess with.

It makes me not want to be so friendly and so easy-going with people anymore, because once they get close to me, they will walk all over me.


I don't even want to give anyone a genuine smile anymore or even use causal words like "Hi" or "Hey!" that let's them know my guards are down.

I want to just give a polite fake smile and say "Hello," like I am so formal and inaccessible.

I've really had it recently with a new friend bullying me again, making a critical comment over a very trivial matter, when I wasn't even talking to her. And she was so respectful towards all the "elites" at the social gathering.

I am sorry you are struggling.

The issue might be your choice in friends. People and behaviors you describe don’t sound like these people are friends yet you refer to them as friends.

You might be getting too close to people too soon putting them into friendship categories before you even get to know them.

I don’t think you need to start being cold and unfriendly.

I think you just need to be more selective and a bit less trusting. This person who is bullying you... how and when did she become a “friend”?

She approached me at work and "let's eat lunch together" turned into her oversharing to me about her personal problems. This oversharing/ buying my sympathy kind of people keep approaching me, and this is why I feel the need to appear less approachable.

I COMPLETELY undderstand what you mean, ennie! I believe you don't need to become cold and impersonal! I COMPLETELY garee with what divine1966 has already wisely said better than I ever could! I'd suggest to listen to her AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN IF YOU CAN AND WANT TO! She always gives SUCH GREAT ADVICE TO EVERYONE LIKE IN THIS CASE! Definitely just be more selective with WHO you decide to let enter in your life! If people approach you and you already don't seem to like them at first glance, the best thing you can do is politely decline any invitations from them! Be kind but FIRM! That's VERY IMPORTANT! You can also make some excuses if you need to, like saying that you alread have to have lunch with someone else or ANYTHING SIMILAR! Just some excuses that you can use if you do NOT want to engage with certain people! Finding GOOD friends is hard but IT'S NOT IMPOSSIBLE! IT CAN BE DONE! I PROMISE YOU ALL OF THAT AS MUCH AS I POSSIBLY CAN BECAUSE IT IS TRUE! PLEASE REMEMBER ALL OF THAT AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN BECAUSE IT IS TRUE! I hope you'll be able to find GOOD, TRUSTWORTHY FRIENDS! ThEY ARE THERE! Just keep looking for them! I hope things will get better soon for you! Let us know how things are going for you, ok? WE ALL CARE ABOUT YOU! THAT'S A PROMISE! TAKE GREAT CARE OF YOURSELF! Sending many AWESOME, kind, safe, sweet, warm, wise and WONDERFUL HUGS TO YOU, ENNIE, JUST LIKE YOU ARE! PLEASE BELIEVE THAT AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN BECAUSE IT IS TRUE AND YOU KNOW THAT AS WELL EVEN IF IT'S DEEP DOWN INSIDE YOU! PLEASE BELIEVE THAT AND REMEMBER THAT AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN BECAUSE IT IS TRUE!

Approaching you at work and eating lunch together in no shape or form puts coworkers in “friends” category. That’s what I am trying to say.

Perhaps this person is lonely, lonely people do tend to overshare. If you don’t want her to overshare, keep your distance next time. I don’t think you need to be less approachable. Just avoid “intimate” situations with these people.

I have someone at work who tried to tell me details of her terrible marriage. It’s uncomfortable. I don’t stop being friendly with her but I don’t do one-on-one things with her. We aren’t friends. I don’t go out to eat with her.

What I fail to understand is why and how someone you ate lunch once became your friend. I wonder if these people take advantage of you because they sense you place them into close friends category very soon after meeting them and before you even know them well.

IME people that overshare right away need something. Maybe its a friend, or a listener or someone to abuse, who knows? I look at my time as being in a bank. When I make a withdrawal from my time bank I want to spend it wisely. This does not include listening to someone I barely know or a coworker I am not close with go on about their issues. When this has happened I have definitely pulled back from being anything more than polite with someone.