I'm Broken (very long...sorry)

This post is more of a rant for my mentality to be at somewhat at ease, but feel free to give any insight...

It's been 2 years since I've met such vile people. 2 years of me dying inside and losing almost all my emotions due to a mistake and mistrust. 2 years of me suffering yet the people who've done me wrong roam free with their lives. Although they have wronged me, I've also made mistakes of my own for which I can never forget.

It all began with a friendly group of my closest( if not only) friends. Me, and 2 other good friends for which I will call them J and Y have only started to hang frequently, then another joined our group. A guy, Mr. K (for I shall call him), had befriended J through a social media and we all started to hang out together. Me and J were 17 at the time, while Y was 16. However, though it should've been quite the red flag, Mr.K was 23.

After only conversing through social media, we decided to meet Mr.K in real life and he seemed like a really nice fellow. Also, we're all Asian so Mr. K never really gave off any bad aura to him. Until the dreadful events started to befall. While we've met a couple time outside, there was one day where J and I decided to go over to Mr.k's house to study as he lived fairly close to our summer school. In there nothing out of the ordinary happened yet. Until, at night, Mr. K asked me to give him a kiss, which he often joked about during our texts. I never cared for such meaningless actions, so I thought, why not. And so I did, soon after J and Mr.K also made out. We did this a couple times with the knowledge of each other doing that with the other. This was already flag 2. I knew it was weird for friends to be doing this, yet something about it probably gave me the affection I yearned for since I've had a fight with another good friend and cut her off, and school, and family problems. Also, J was or just broke up with her boyfriend, I can't remember but after dating him for a week she got tired of him. There was a series of him flirting with me and J almost at the same time but also a bit secretive? Then he was more touchy than he should've been. But as time, or a week, we all became super close and started a "Family" bond where I was the "grandma", J was the "mom" and Y and Mr. K were siblings to each other. Mr. K never flirted much with Y but he once jokingly asked her to marry him before through text (this will become an important part). Even after flirting with me and J, one day Mr.K confessed his feelings for J. And, I thought that it was really weird to randomly confess his "undying love" for J after doing all that kissing and flirting with the both of us. So I told J to be cautious, but what I should've done was to wake up the both of us who was falling for him because we are too naive to cut ties with him. We sort of just ignored all that he'd done even though it's so abnormal and wrong. They started to "date" but it didn't last long because they kept fighting and they ended up becoming friends again. However, Mr.K never stopped approaching me. Not once have I tried to initiate anything with him after he confessed aside from J constantly asking him for affection. But, I also never stopped him. I thought he may have truly liked me because there was a time where he got mad for my sake.

Then the dreadful thing happened, he slept with J secretly but she told me. And I don't know what came over me, but after that day, me and Mr. K were alone together in his house. He started to strip me, and honestly he was always trying to touch me (sexually). He kept asking me if I want to do it many times. I guess my feelings override my senses and I said yes. He took my first time, even though I knew he slept with my friend, I still gave in. I'm despicable aren't I? Then a week pass and I find out that he and J did it again...And that's when I just remembered all the things he has been doing to the both of us but I never confronted him. I told Y about the situation, but she didn't seem bothered by it nor did she do anything. And yet even though he said he loved J and slept with her...he never stopped flirting with me. Not one day, that he stopped.

Mr. K then had to fly back to HK because of his Visa. Then, I found out that he and J had gotten back together and were "secretly" officially dating even while he slept with both of us. And I knew I had to come clean with my friend. I first told Mr, K that we had to come clean and he offered to tell her. And so he did. J was extremely upset and I understand that. I told her the whole story of what had happened. She eventually forgave me after that day, and I was grateful that she did. I thought we could become friends again after this horrid situation. But I was being naive again. Whilst I was telling J the whole truth, I also confronted Mr. k once and for all of what he wants. Did he love me or did he love J. I asked him more than 10 times and he never gave me an answer. But all he said that he can't be selfish anymore and because J wants to stay with him then he will. I asked him so many many times what he wanted not because of me or J, but his true feelings. I got the same answer. I was heartbroken. Then I also learned something in the mist of all that, was the length that J would take to make him choose her because Mr.k tells me that J had told him that I have feelings for many guys even though she knows that I've only had "Crushes" on 2 guys prior to him. But I didn't think much about it even though I was actually mad because she had more relationships and crushes compared to me...but she forgave me and I thought that was that. we were friends again for some time, all of us including Mr. K who is still dating J. Then I learn from J, I don't if it's true or not because J has a tendency to lie a lot (like a lot) , that according to Mr.k, He said that I was the one who seduced him. He lied to J that the one night I slept over at his house because I promised I would in front of the group that we were sleeping in separate compartments. But he was sleeping on the same bed as me. And so I confronted him and asked why he lied. He said he thought I was aware of him lying even though I was watching something on his laptop and didn't care for their conversation. I then severed my ties with him. I told J that he was lying, but she was still seeing him. I thought she really believed me when I told her the truth of what he did and contradicted his lies. She said that she will break up with him soon. 2 years now and they're still together I think. I severed my ties with J because she played this huge lie that she was pregnant and aborted the baby. I knew it was a lie, and tried to be obvious with her to tell me the truth. But I finally confronted her and she confessed saying that I wasn't giving her enough attention or caring about her. Which was true to an extent that I wanted my space after all that have happened and her dating with him only made me hate myself because I kept blaming myself to be the b*** who slept with her friend's bf. But another reason why I severed my ties with J was because she told some other people in our school group that I slept with him without much context of the things he's done prior to that. And I'm sure she isn't that naive to see that kissing someone else is not true love. What made me mad and distance myself was the fact that she knew his true colours but still chose him (to me it was as if she believed his lies over me and telling me she will break up with him soon but never did). Then she tells everyone that she was going to marry him even though I've mentioned that he asked Y and also me the same thing. He was always asking about marriage, asking me when I turn of age and marry him. Which we sort of made a conclusion that he was trying to marry for citizenship, which could be the plausible explanation to all of this. But even after knowing all this J was (secretly from me before I cut my ties with her) set to marry Mr. K. I'm sure she was aware of what she was doing because of Y.

Y had a little affection on Mr. K and there was a time I got upset for her sake before I fell for Mr.K as well, but soon after she found another 23?24? year old guy on tinder. yes she was too young but lied about her age on tinder. And this guy was the most psychopathic person I've ever met. He knew Y was 16 and still dated her. 3 days of them officially dating her, he proposed to intercourse and that he wanted to be the father of her children. Then I find him on Tinder after said proposition and as expected...it was a match. He said he was drunk and opened the app. She forgave him. Then they kept fighting, it was one-sided as G (the guy) just ignores Y even though she is clearly upset. Their fights were mostly about sex because Y wasn't ready. Then she gave in because that was what would stop the fighting she told me. I should've stepped in sooner or asked adults to help but I trusted her and didn't want to seem too controlling as I was with J when I keep asking her when she will break up with Mr. K. Then G was spotted by J with another girl holding hands. Then G was found on another dating platform which he claimed he "did not know it was a dating app" even though he has the same format as tinder but for asians. Then G gave Y STI...And I thought I had to be a good friend and step in. I confronted G through a call and he took me as a joke saying I don't know "jacksh*t" and used my mistake with sleeping with Mr. K as a comparison to what he did. But Y just got mad at me, and I didn't know what to do but what I thought was right. Me and J went to our school's police to ask for help and sure enough to the police's warning that we will get backlash from Y and that's where our relationship ended with Y. Another friend lost. And I was done with relationships. Everything I do just seems to cause a backfire. Even if I say the truth, do what I think a friend should do, wait patiently....it was all in vain. I lost friends, whether they were good or bad, it hurts. And sometimes I blame myself and or the guys, Mr. k and G, that if what wasn't done would the friendship have lasted? I've been numb ever since, and stopped socializing. Depression worsened and anxiety risen. I even dropped out of high school but I was already prepared to do that because of anxiety issues before, and I stopped talking to any of my school friend's thinking who J may have told the situation to without the whole story. There was another friend who was in an abusive relationship with someone from school. And she still kept dating him even after her many breakdowns, until she moved to another country and finally cut him off. All of them were aware of each other's relationship, J of Y and Y of J's and all gave their insight of what a horrible relationship the other's are but they continued with their own thinking that it's perfect in their own world.

All those situations broke me, of course I had my share of faults. And sometimes I come off too strong and shouldn't have gotten mad that they are too influenced to see pass the "love" and stayed until the end. But I was dying inside and all this happened in a span of 6 months and I just could not bear to watch as they are going down rough roads and doing things that they will regret as I did. But I left J and Y because it seems I was not needed anymore and just a bother to their "happiness" as I would always try to wake them up but to no prevail. And now nothing excites me anymore, and I feel like a walking corpse.

I'm so sorry you've been through ALL OF THIS, panda165! It must have been very hard for you! Can I ask you how old are you exactly? From what you wrote it seems like you''re a teenages. is that correct or am i wrong? Do you see a therapist? Maybe that could help! You could learn new things and new ways to cope with your feelings! I feel like that may REALLY help you! Please do consider it if you can! Remember that we're here to support you! WE ALL DO CARE ABOUT YOU! THAT'S A PROMISE! WISH YOU GOOD LUCK! Keep us updated on your situation! Feel free to PM me anytime if you need to! I CARE ABOUT YOU! THAT'S A PROMISE! I WISH YOU THE BEST OF LUCK! LET US KNOW HOW THINGS ARE GOING FOR YOU BECAUSE WE DO CARE! THAT'S A PROMISE! Sending many kind, safe, sweet, warm and WONDERFUL HUGS TO YOU, PANDA165, JUST LIKE YOU ARE! PLEASE BELIEVE THAT AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN AND PLEASE REMEMBER THAT AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN BECAUSE IT IS TRUE AND YOU KNOW THAT EVEN IT'S DEEP DOWN INSIDE YOU! THAT'S A PROMISE!

Thank you for your encouraging words MickeyCheeky.

And yes, I was 17 at the time those incidents took place. I've seen a youth psychiatrist for my depression that had worsened because of said incidents but I've never addressed it to such length as I've done on this forum. To me, seeing a therapy only helps temporarily but it was not as effective as I would like it to be, maybe because I didn't address the issue in detail but just as friends quarrelling. I just didn't want to do anything about the drama anymore as it had caused so much pain for me, and I just wanted to let it go even though there was no closure. I'm not sure whether I'm just feeling the guilt of the things I've done, or mad at how the friendship crumbled through the hands of manipulative people, or we just had our own problems that would've resulted in the same conclusion. But I've felt better after talking about this at full length. And thank you again for the love and support And honestly, I hope my past friends will open their eyes one day and have good support from people around them to help, but I know I won't be one of those support as I've already closed off my humane side to them for the time being. It was my way to get my sanity back.

Now I just really want to move forward with my life finally after fearing for social interaction or the fear that nothing will change. I want to get my life back and let go of the past.

Please don't hate yourself. Sure, you made mistakes, but you all were just teenagers at that time. I also was a teenager, I also made stupid decision during those time. And, it was those guys who took advantages from you all.

Have you ever told this matter to your parents? Do you get support from them? I don't know about your local law, but consider that this happened when you girls were underage, I think those guys could be prosecuted for sleeping with underage teens.

I don't know whether it is a good advice or not, but I support your decision for leaving them all. True friend should support each other, not backstab one another. I'm sorry to say this, but clearly your 'friendship' is a toxic one. You have opened your eyes and gained insight to be better person, now you can find a new good environment to grow. You must BE STRONG AND BE SMARTER! Learn from this mistake, so you won't fall into the same pit again in the future.

As for your friends, I think you already know that there's nothing you can do to change their mind, but REMEMBER: it's not your fault. It's their decision to stay, their consequences to get. Just let them be.

Thanks for sharing your story with us! I am SO sorry that all of this has happened to you. You have matured so much since this incident happened, and this includes your good judgment and your ability to discern between friends and backstabbers. When I have reflected on conflicts that have happened in the past, I envision myself as a different, new person rather than the same one who was defined by that trauma, in light of growth that has occured since the teenage years. I hope that this is not considered denial of past experiences, but this has come from the opinions of my counselors and a few friends (both online and IRL) who have shared with me that we become a newer, more mature person with each passing day. Technically we aren't even the same people as we were yesterday!

I hope that this helps! You are valued here on PC and I hope that you feel safe and at peace continuing to share your experiences with us.

PS I often think in an auditory manner (through song), and one that has helped me with this same kind of experience has been "Freshmen" by the Verve Pipe. Very relatable and thoughtful!

((((((((( panda165 )))))))))