advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
URBeautiful
Junior Member
URBeautiful has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2018
Location: United States
Posts: 15
5 yr Member
7 hugs
given
Default Jun 07, 2019 at 01:20 PM
  #1
I had quite a few problems when I was in elementary school and my parents never really fought for me like you might expect them too. I had speech problems to the point where very few people understood me. This resulted in me refusing to read out loud and getting held back. They didn't think I knew how to read. A few years after this I got diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder. My parents decided not to deal with it and ignore the issue. They had the mentality that I would figure it out and it was better not to talk about it. As a result of this, I questioned whether I had actually been diagnosed with or had made it up for a lot of my life. I questioned whether anything was wrong if I was just crazy until I found the paperwork confirming I was diagnosed and everything in 12th grade.

Overall, I have basically figured it out. I did okay in high school and do well in college. My speech improved dramatically so that it's not noticeable I ever had a speech impediment and I am doing okay. But things take me so long to do. It can take me 5 hours to write a one-page paper or an hour to read a chapter. I saw a Ted talk about it the other day and it never really hit me that other people don't have a million thoughts going through their mind constantly and that people can go start to finish with a task. I also have some other problems my friends have pointed out. I'm a huge control freak and tend to get devastated when things don't go the way I plan and my one friend thinks I have anxiety. I also have a lot of stuff in my childhood that may be good to discuss with someone.

The problem is I can't convince myself to go. It takes A LOT to convince myself to go to the doctor or dentist when something physically hurts. I don't think I can convince myself to go to a psychologist or therapist. Every time I try to make an appointment I talk myself out of it. I'm scared their gonna judge me. I'm scared it will be too hard to open up and be honest or that they are going to look at me and tell me nothing is wrong and that I'm stupid for coming in. I am not sure I can stop myself from pretending to be okay. It feels like asking for help puts me out of control but at the same time, I wonder. I wonder what it would be like to talk about my past and not have a million thoughts going through my mind at all times. It feels unfair to my family and friends for not going as I often take things out on them but I don't know how to get over my anxiety enough to get me there.

I'm also a really busy person. I work full time and go to school full time. Next semester I am going to get even busier. I'm worried about how I am going to cope with emotionally and mentally.

(I'm sorry if that was messy. I typed it out rather quickly just to get it out (and not chicken out of writing it.))
URBeautiful is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Anonymous43949, Anonymous44076, Fuzzybear, MickeyCheeky, Mopey
 
Thanks for this!
Fuzzybear, MickeyCheeky, Mopey

advertisement
Mopey
Magnate
 
Mopey's Avatar
Mopey remove
 
Member Since: Oct 2018
Location: California
Posts: 2,025
5 yr Member
1,520 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jun 07, 2019 at 01:53 PM
  #2
Amazing, INCREDIBLE, how much you've been able to do for yourself. Where did you find the strength? And you have FRIENDS! Congratulations!

Perhaps you can start by posting a little more about your difficulties here. It might help you to start opening up some of this stuff a bit and hearing reaction from others on the forum, protected by your anonymity. Possibly with their suggestions it could open the way for you a little bit more and make it easier for you to seek help from a therapist if you decide to. You might, for example, get some feedback about what takes place in therapy and how to go about it, how to process it.

Best wishes!! ((((HUGS))))
Mopey is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Anonymous43949, Fuzzybear, MickeyCheeky
 
Thanks for this!
MickeyCheeky
MickeyCheeky
Legendary
 
MickeyCheeky's Avatar
MickeyCheeky My echo is the only voice coming back
 
Member Since: Jun 2016
Location: Italy
Posts: 11,817 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
38.4k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jun 07, 2019 at 02:20 PM
  #3
I COMPLETELY relate to your struggles, URBeautiful! I know how hard it is! My best advice would be to just look at what you just did here! You were able to TALK about your problems so that means that it's NOT IMPOSSIBLE! Try to find the strength in yourself to go see a therapist if you can! After all they're there to help you, NOT to hurt you! I COMPLETELY AGREE with what Mopey has already wisely said better than I ever could! You can also go the Psychotherapy Forum if you need ANY additional information about therapy and how it works! Just try to do YOUR BEST as that's ALL we humans can do after all and it's ALWAYS MORE THAN ENOUGH! Please keep us updated on your situation AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN IF YOU CAN AND WANT TO, OK? WE ALL DO CARE ABOUT YOU! THAT'S A PROMISE! Sending many AWESOME, BEAUTIFUL kind, safe, sweet, warm, wise and WONDERFUL HUGS TO YOU, URBEAUTIFUL, JUST LIKE YOU ARE!
MickeyCheeky is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Anonymous43949, Fuzzybear, Mopey
URBeautiful
Junior Member
URBeautiful has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2018
Location: United States
Posts: 15
5 yr Member
7 hugs
given
Default Jun 12, 2019 at 02:48 PM
  #4
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mopey View Post
Amazing, INCREDIBLE, how much you've been able to do for yourself. Where did you find the strength? And you have FRIENDS! Congratulations!

Perhaps you can start by posting a little more about your difficulties here. It might help you to start opening up some of this stuff a bit and hearing reaction from others on the forum, protected by your anonymity. Possibly with their suggestions it could open the way for you a little bit more and make it easier for you to seek help from a therapist if you decide to. You might, for example, get some feedback about what takes place in therapy and how to go about it, how to process it.

Best wishes!! ((((HUGS))))
It's a really good idea to post more things here. It's just hard to get me to actually do it but it is worth a try. I've also noticed a lot of people only get one or two comments on a thread which makes me a little more hesitant. I don't know. I should look into how to process therapy. Thank you.
URBeautiful is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
URBeautiful
Junior Member
URBeautiful has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2018
Location: United States
Posts: 15
5 yr Member
7 hugs
given
Heart Jun 12, 2019 at 02:53 PM
  #5
Quote:
Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky View Post
I COMPLETELY relate to your struggles, URBeautiful! I know how hard it is! My best advice would be to just look at what you just did here! You were able to TALK about your problems so that means that it's NOT IMPOSSIBLE! Try to find the strength in yourself to go see a therapist if you can! After all they're there to help you, NOT to hurt you! I COMPLETELY AGREE with what Mopey has already wisely said better than I ever could! You can also go the Psychotherapy Forum if you need ANY additional information about therapy and how it works! Just try to do YOUR BEST as that's ALL we humans can do after all and it's ALWAYS MORE THAN ENOUGH! Please keep us updated on your situation AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN IF YOU CAN AND WANT TO, OK? WE ALL DO CARE ABOUT YOU! THAT'S A PROMISE! Sending many AWESOME, BEAUTIFUL kind, safe, sweet, warm, wise and WONDERFUL HUGS TO YOU, URBEAUTIFUL, JUST LIKE YOU ARE!
It's really difficult for me to recognize their there to hurt me. Every thread of my being screams that they are going to tell me nothing is wrong and that i'm stupid to even coming in. It took a lot for me to open up at all on an anonymous form so I am not sure how I would open up to a stranger face to face. I only have like 2 friends and I don't really tell them about any of my struggles. They see as having my life together and I don't want to prove them wrong. I both hate and love that they see me like that. Going to the psychotherapy form is actually a really good idea. Thank you.
URBeautiful is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Anonymous44076
Guest
Anonymous44076 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default Jun 16, 2019 at 11:15 AM
  #6
Quote:
Originally Posted by URBeautiful View Post
I had quite a few problems when I was in elementary school and my parents never really fought for me like you might expect them too. I had speech problems to the point where very few people understood me. This resulted in me refusing to read out loud and getting held back. They didn't think I knew how to read. A few years after this I got diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder. My parents decided not to deal with it and ignore the issue. They had the mentality that I would figure it out and it was better not to talk about it. As a result of this, I questioned whether I had actually been diagnosed with or had made it up for a lot of my life. I questioned whether anything was wrong if I was just crazy until I found the paperwork confirming I was diagnosed and everything in 12th grade.

Overall, I have basically figured it out. I did okay in high school and do well in college. My speech improved dramatically so that it's not noticeable I ever had a speech impediment and I am doing okay. But things take me so long to do. It can take me 5 hours to write a one-page paper or an hour to read a chapter. I saw a Ted talk about it the other day and it never really hit me that other people don't have a million thoughts going through their mind constantly and that people can go start to finish with a task. I also have some other problems my friends have pointed out. I'm a huge control freak and tend to get devastated when things don't go the way I plan and my one friend thinks I have anxiety. I also have a lot of stuff in my childhood that may be good to discuss with someone.

The problem is I can't convince myself to go. It takes A LOT to convince myself to go to the doctor or dentist when something physically hurts. I don't think I can convince myself to go to a psychologist or therapist. Every time I try to make an appointment I talk myself out of it. I'm scared their gonna judge me. I'm scared it will be too hard to open up and be honest or that they are going to look at me and tell me nothing is wrong and that I'm stupid for coming in. I am not sure I can stop myself from pretending to be okay. It feels like asking for help puts me out of control but at the same time, I wonder. I wonder what it would be like to talk about my past and not have a million thoughts going through my mind at all times. It feels unfair to my family and friends for not going as I often take things out on them but I don't know how to get over my anxiety enough to get me there.

I'm also a really busy person. I work full time and go to school full time. Next semester I am going to get even busier. I'm worried about how I am going to cope with emotionally and mentally.

(I'm sorry if that was messy. I typed it out rather quickly just to get it out (and not chicken out of writing it.))
Thanks for sharing your truth with us URBeautiful. Sorry you have been struggling so much. It's not easy being human, is it?

I am very similar to you regarding going to the doc, dentist etc. I have to really talk myself into it. Though I have had extensive therapy at two different stages in my life. I benefited greatly and I'm glad I took that step. I am currently looking for a new therapist to help me work through some current issues.

This may help you to get to the first session. Instead of thinking you're about to go and open up and be judged, think of it the other way round. In the beginning, you want to essentially interview therapists....you decide whether they get the gig or not based on how they respond to you and answer your questions. It's not a good idea to just stick with the first one you meet. THey all have different styles, philosophies, experience levels, personalities, and skills. So plan to interview several until you find one you feel safe with.

I recommend writing out Qs ahead of time. When you go to the first session, just ask them your Qs. You don't even have to get into your stuff right away....you can say something simple like: I'm not as happy as I'd like to be right now so I'm hoping therapy will help.

Here are some sample Qs for prospective therapists:

- what is your therapy philosophy?
- have you ever had therapy for yourself? (its a big red flag if they say no....someone who has not worked on their own issues....we all have them....is not in a good position to help others)
- how do you approach disagreement with a client?
- what does therapeutic rapport mean to you? How do you build that?
- can you tell me why you became a therapist without using the phrase 'I like helping people'?
- please share three people whose lives you have positively influenced, could be from work or any aspect of your life? (This is a really good screener....when they name 3 people, pay attention to the relationships, do they say 3 people who had less power, equal, or more power than them or a mixture. I would steer clear of someone who only names people in higher positions than them such as supervisors etc. Says something about their character ad can sound like self-aggrandizing. Not a good quality in a therapist. At least one or two people should be someone who had less or equal power to them....a friend, a colleague, a client etc)

If you get some good answers to those Qs, I think you may have found yourself a decent therapist. Some are good, some are not. As with all professions. That's why the interviewing is really important. If you meet someone not willing to answer your Qs or pressuring you to talk about things you don't want to talk about, skip that person and find another. I was interviewing one new therapist. When she learned that my father had died recently she tried to push me to talk about him. That's not why I was there. She also clearly judged me for having been estranged from him....I never went back to her.

Consider if you would be more comfortable talking to a male or female?
Someone ~ your age or older? (I recommend *not going with someone younger than you or right out of their program but that's just my preference)
How much experience do you want them to have?
Do they have experience in a focus area for you? ADHD for example or childhood trauma.

Things really worth doing in life tend to be painful and a bit scary, particularly in the beginning. I think therapy could really help you. You're intelligent and self-aware. Break it down in your mind....think of just getting to one session....not the whole process. Rome wasn't built in a day.

I wish you peace, hope, and a bright future. You deserve it
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
divine1966
Legendary Wise Elder
 
divine1966's Avatar
divine1966 Tired!!!
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 22,303 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
1,274 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jun 16, 2019 at 01:10 PM
  #7
You are doing great and frankly already accomplished more than many other people. You work and go to school and it’s more than many other people do, the ones without attention deficit and without any valid excuse. Congratulations on doing well

Saying that there is zero shame in seeking professional help. The way you could look into it as if your stomach hurt and you went to see a specialist it wouldn’t be shameful. Same here. It’s not shameful.

I understand being very busy. I can relate. But that’s maybe another valid reason to seek professional help: tackling busy schedule and attention deficit. I’d probably try to get a proper diagnosis of adult ADD (if you get diagnosed) and go from there.

Good luck and hugs
divine1966 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
URBeautiful
Junior Member
URBeautiful has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2018
Location: United States
Posts: 15
5 yr Member
7 hugs
given
Default Jun 17, 2019 at 09:47 AM
  #8
Quote:
Originally Posted by SilverTrees View Post
Thanks for sharing your truth with us URBeautiful. Sorry you have been struggling so much. It's not easy being human, is it?

I am very similar to you regarding going to the doc, dentist etc. I have to really talk myself into it. Though I have had extensive therapy at two different stages in my life. I benefited greatly and I'm glad I took that step. I am currently looking for a new therapist to help me work through some current issues.

This may help you to get to the first session. Instead of thinking you're about to go and open up and be judged, think of it the other way round. In the beginning, you want to essentially interview therapists....you decide whether they get the gig or not based on how they respond to you and answer your questions. It's not a good idea to just stick with the first one you meet. THey all have different styles, philosophies, experience levels, personalities, and skills. So plan to interview several until you find one you feel safe with.

I recommend writing out Qs ahead of time. When you go to the first session, just ask them your Qs. You don't even have to get into your stuff right away....you can say something simple like: I'm not as happy as I'd like to be right now so I'm hoping therapy will help.

Here are some sample Qs for prospective therapists:

- what is your therapy philosophy?
- have you ever had therapy for yourself? (its a big red flag if they say no....someone who has not worked on their own issues....we all have them....is not in a good position to help others)
- how do you approach disagreement with a client?
- what does therapeutic rapport mean to you? How do you build that?
- can you tell me why you became a therapist without using the phrase 'I like helping people'?
- please share three people whose lives you have positively influenced, could be from work or any aspect of your life? (This is a really good screener....when they name 3 people, pay attention to the relationships, do they say 3 people who had less power, equal, or more power than them or a mixture. I would steer clear of someone who only names people in higher positions than them such as supervisors etc. Says something about their character ad can sound like self-aggrandizing. Not a good quality in a therapist. At least one or two people should be someone who had less or equal power to them....a friend, a colleague, a client etc)

If you get some good answers to those Qs, I think you may have found yourself a decent therapist. Some are good, some are not. As with all professions. That's why the interviewing is really important. If you meet someone not willing to answer your Qs or pressuring you to talk about things you don't want to talk about, skip that person and find another. I was interviewing one new therapist. When she learned that my father had died recently she tried to push me to talk about him. That's not why I was there. She also clearly judged me for having been estranged from him....I never went back to her.

Consider if you would be more comfortable talking to a male or female?
Someone ~ your age or older? (I recommend *not going with someone younger than you or right out of their program but that's just my preference)
How much experience do you want them to have?
Do they have experience in a focus area for you? ADHD for example or childhood trauma.

Things really worth doing in life tend to be painful and a bit scary, particularly in the beginning. I think therapy could really help you. You're intelligent and self-aware. Break it down in your mind....think of just getting to one session....not the whole process. Rome wasn't built in a day.

I wish you peace, hope, and a bright future. You deserve it
This was extremely helpful. THANK YOU! I really appreciate you taking the time to write out such a thoughtful response. I love the idea of asking them questions. The questions you wrote are going to be very helpful. I wouldn't have even thought of some of those. One of the issues I have found while looking at therapists online is that not a lot of people have intervention styles that sound appealing. I may have more luck by talking to them individually. It is just really difficult for me to actually do. I also worry I won't have many options in areas like ADD and childhood trauma. I was planning on going to this one center and my friend said there was only one therapist there that worked with ADD.

On a side note: I can relate to being estranged to parents. I haven't talked to my mom in 4 or 5 years. I am kinda concerned she is gonna die and no-one will tell me. It's weird having a parent you don't talk to. I am not sure if you have had the same experience but I have always noticed it just feels odd during holidays like mother's day. I feel almost jealous in a way of the people who are posting things about amazing parents online. The thing I have noticed about not having two parents around is that makes you strong and it seems as though you are a very strong person. Being able to walk away from a therapist and stand up for yourself is an amazing triumph. Keep being your best advocate! If you ever WANT to talk about anything I am here.
URBeautiful is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Anonymous44076
Anonymous44076
Guest
Anonymous44076 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default Jun 17, 2019 at 11:10 AM
  #9
Quote:
Originally Posted by URBeautiful View Post
This was extremely helpful. THANK YOU! I really appreciate you taking the time to write out such a thoughtful response. I love the idea of asking them questions. The questions you wrote are going to be very helpful. I wouldn't have even thought of some of those. One of the issues I have found while looking at therapists online is that not a lot of people have intervention styles that sound appealing. I may have more luck by talking to them individually. It is just really difficult for me to actually do. I also worry I won't have many options in areas like ADD and childhood trauma. I was planning on going to this one center and my friend said there was only one therapist there that worked with ADD.

On a side note: I can relate to being estranged to parents. I haven't talked to my mom in 4 or 5 years. I am kinda concerned she is gonna die and no-one will tell me. It's weird having a parent you don't talk to. I am not sure if you have had the same experience but I have always noticed it just feels odd during holidays like mother's day. I feel almost jealous in a way of the people who are posting things about amazing parents online. The thing I have noticed about not having two parents around is that makes you strong and it seems as though you are a very strong person. Being able to walk away from a therapist and stand up for yourself is an amazing triumph. Keep being your best advocate! If you ever WANT to talk about anything I am here.
Thank you so much for the kind response. Another option when screening therapists is a phone consult. Of course you'll lose the non-verbal cues but if you want to fire a few Qs at them without wasting a trip or a hour on a full session...many offer a 10 or 15 minute phone consult. If therapist options seem limited in your area, there are folks all over the world who offer therapy via phone or Skype. Just an idea for you.

Have you heard of Dr. Gabor Mate? He has done some interesting work and research on ADD. He and his children are diagnosed with it. He has a VERY different way of thinking about it (believes it's caused by childhood trauma...leading to changes in brain development) but he strikes me as kind, very intelligent, and well-researched. You may enjoy watching some of his videos online or reading his materials. I find his general view of mental health very comforting.

Yes, estrangement is confusing and painful. But there are times, imo, when it is necessary. I was with my father when he died. I don't know if that was the right thing for me or not. I wonder if you are concerned about not knowing when your mother dies, would you want to be able to at least email her once in a while? Or is there someone in your family who could update you from time to time? I'm *not suggesting that you should do that....just wondering what would be right for you and your wellness. I fully support adult children in making their own decisions about family and parental attachment. Society remains deeply judgmental about that....I've been judged up and down for it...but if you happen to be unfortunate enough to be a little baby born into an abusive and dysfunctional family, I don't think you should have to suffer for that your whole life. When we are children, we have no choice. As adults, we do have a choice. But it can often still feel like being between a rock and a hard place.

I know exactly what you mean about the holidays. Christmas has often been a really tough one for me. But I've lived far away from my family for many years.
I've developed my own strategies for dealing with that. Seems to be getting better over time.

I'll continue to wish you peace, hope, and good health
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 09:47 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.