Help to distinguish between being offended and harmed

What Is the Difference Between Being Offended and Harmed? | Psychology Today

I took a call today from a friend who was unsure how she should feel about a situation which just occurred in her life. I've been there too! I shared this article with her and we went through her situation step by step. By the end, she said: "I was offended, I was not harmed...now I know how to move forward."

I'm going to keep coming back to this article as I work through family issues which continue to trouble me.

I am hoping it will help others too. if anyone cares to share a situation where harm versus offense is confusing, fire away!

I’ve been thinking about this article. I never thought ‘offended’ as the proper definition for what I have experienced as psychological/emotional ‘hurt’.

Good article, thanks.

Then there are us dopes who will hold our head up and refuse to show offense, and not accept or recognize that we've been harmed. Sometimes this is in service of turning the other cheek, sometimes it's in service of keeping a damaging and desperate relationship, such as when we are children. Then the behavior pattern persists into adulthood.

@SilverTrees

OMG!!!!!!!!!!! That is Awesome!! Look how you helped her!!! And us too sharing this here!!!!! I hope you are jumping for joy because you just helped her turn her life around.

You helped me too because I worry about and try to figure out how to reach folks so they understand they have to learn new habits so their recovery is successful. You just showed me how to do that. Thank you!!!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Being manipulated, is that an offense or harmful? Being betrayed and robbed of confidence, is that an offense? If somebody punches me in the face, so that is a harm? I either very much disagree, or I am confused. I have been physically attacked, and that was very easy to deal with for me, because all was clear, the evidence, question of guilt, etc.

I have been privately and verbally attacked in certain ways, and that was far more harmful than any physical attack I have experienced.

Again, I might be confused. But the fact that I am confused is already a sign of some harm done right to my cognitive center - by manipulation of truth.

Any thoughts?

Ditto for me!

It’s rather invalidating. I thought taking offense was like if someone used foul language and it was rude.

Taking Offense | Psychology Today
Here’s an article I found about taking offense. To me, something called ‘offensive ‘ is at a lesser degree than the kind of painful hurts we greatly suffer from.

Yes, everyone has their own perceptions and words they prefer, right? Nothing wrong with that. Would you differentiate between having been emotionally hurt and being harmed? Per the author's description, or do you perceive those as the same thing?

If you read the article, the author breaks down the difference with examples.

I don't know if you got a chance to read the article....the author breaks it down with examples.

Yes, I read it. I really have no issues with it and many may find it helpful.

Yes, I’m certainly offended by the bad treatment I’ve gotten that I feel I didn’t deserve.

Are you referring to bad treatment on this thread or in your life?

Perhaps thinking about the difference between 'hurt' and 'abuse' is more helpful? People hurt us sometimes...that doesn't mean they have abused us. A friend recently disappeared from my life. I felt hurt about that for a while but she did not abuse me, see what I mean? Also, my feeling hurt was my responsibility to deal with....I didn't put that on her.

Abuse is inherently hurtful but not all hurts are acts of abuse.

I went to a group event where there was a gift exchange. I was the new person in the group so when I picked a gift to bring, I had not met any of the other people in the group. It's hard to pick a gift for someone you don't know.
Anyway, as the gift exchange game progressed and different people chose gifts to open, my gift was opened. Several people started mocking the gift I brought. They didn't think it was a very good one. I was embarrassed and my feelings were a bit hurt but they hadn't abused me, see what I mean? I might say they were lacking decorum and good manners....but that's very different from abuse.

I meant people IRL hurt me, nothing wrong on this thread.

To me, your friend who disappeared hurt you. Don’t you think the word ‘offended’ seems a little off on that one? While the gift that was criticized, to me, does seem like something to be offended over. I may be wrong, just my opinion.

I think we are using words differently...that may be causing some confusion. No worries.

"Having one's feelings hurt without any physical contact at all is an offense, not necessarily harm."

This is a quote from the article and I find it illogical, questionably worded, paradox even. Break it down, and you have "Having one's feelings hurt is not necessarily harm".

That to me is actually a rather frighteningly obtuse statement. Especially the "without any physical contact" clause - that in a magazine "Psychology Today"?

So, "Having your feelings hurt with some physical contact", that's harm then? Or only when something's broken?

The examples, to me, didn't make anything better, because they seemed trivial to me.

But the abstract descriptions of a strange theory were for me: well, I would say "offensive". I don't feel harmed by the way, though my feelings were hurt, so maybe the whole article is its own best example.

Sorry, by the way, for being a bit controversial here. I really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

I think thats why, in complex ptsd, which yes i understand is still under debate, the definition is that persistent, continuing verbal abuse DOES commit harm. So this article is making the distinction that a person might bounce back from an occasion of hurt feelings without NECESSARILY having been harmed. A one-off vs a lifetime being the two ends of the spectrum.

True. And once we are into abuse territory, harm is inevitable.

There are also occasions when we may feel hurt and need to really assess whether that's reasonable. For example, one day I told a friend: "I love your outfit. It looks French!" She looked offended and replied: "I don't know what you mean by that." I said "Oh sorry. I mean it looks very chic and lovely. France is one of the fashion capitals of the world. They dress very well." She replied: "Well EXCUSE me for not knowing the fashion capitals of the world!" She clearly felt hurt and angry but there I was thinking I was giving her a compliment on her beautiful outfit.

She was not abused in that situation.
Nor was she harmed.
She did indeed feel hurt. That was apparent. But was it my fault that she felt hurt? Even after I explained, she was still angry with me.

Was I responsible for her feeling hurt or did she need to address her own self-esteem and lack of trust in others? She immediately assumed that I was up to no good even though I always treated her well. She must have had some sort of core belief about herself that was negative. But that was not my fault. Just as it is not the fault of others if I feel hurt by an innocent comment they make....I am responsible for my own feelings.

And if someone makes a rude or offensive comment to me, I need to be an adult and deal with it and move on.

She was obviously on, how you say? "le rag!"

Im sorry that happened to you! I was gonna make a remark to the guy on the bus next to me yesterday about one of the bus ads, and then when he didnt smile back at me, i remembered stories about people just hauling off and choking people, and i shut up.