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Default Jun 09, 2019 at 08:29 PM
  #1
So, I'm in a rather precarious situation (albeit temporary) that could have very bad consequences for me, if the outcome goes south. So, I need some community feedback if you've been in my situation, or if you think you can give me constructive advice.

1st situation: My grad school course

My mother's dementia and health deteriorated quickly around the 2nd week of this 7 week course in my grad school program. I let the instructor know what is going on, and she has said she will be flexible with me turning in late assignments.

HOWEVER, I am now 2 weeks behind with 2 weeks left of the course, and it is a heavy-writing course for grant writing. I can't make up missed assignments (6 so far) plus complete the last two assignments in the next 2 weeks with 2 weeks before the grade deadline of the university.

I am in over my head. I'm still dealing with my mother's declining health and not working a full-time job (please, spare me criticism of how YOU worked and went to school at the same time or I'll just put you on ignore).

Advice needed: Should I ask my program director for an extension in person this week? I missed the university's W - withdraw deadline so I would have to get special permission and complete another form so that my fall financial aid is not withheld when I register for another course in the fall, after I complete this 7 week course.

2nd situation: Dealing with my mother's overbearing neighbor/pseudo-caretaker

Today the movers came and took EVERYTHING out of my mother's one bedroom apartment, except the computer/computer table, my daybed, my closet of clothes, my kitchen dishes and pots and pans. But, the rest of the 960 square food apartment is empty minus some tv stands that are old, a couch, and some other nick knacks.

My mother has a VERY overbearing neighbor in her 55+ building, who is not legally allowed to enter the tenant's apartments, but has a key to do so anyway, as she took it from the building caretaker who is a very passive man and lets this nasty woman do whatever he doesn't want to do, maintenance-wise. She is very bossy, very snarky, very manipulative and very blunt. If you say "no" to her, she sneers at you and does what she wants anyway.

Advice needed: Do I tell this awful woman "Sorry, I have to prioritize my grad school studies and I can't allow you to come into my mother's apartment, to take her things left behind, to sell at the building garage sale this Thursday. I'm not getting up at 7 a.m. to help you move the couch and tv stands out to the parking lot. I'm not going to do the garage sale b/c I already hired a junk service to take the things away courtesy of my brother who paid for it."

This woman left a crazy hand-written note on my mother's door this morning with specific instructions I'm to follow for Thursday's garage sale. No way in HELL do I want to do it. I have to deal my grad school course instead. How do I deal with this insane woman?

The caretaker guy is afraid of her. And she has a key to everyone's apartments here. So even if I tell her "don't come in my mother's apartment," I wouldn't put it past her if she did anyway.

But I did hire the junk guy to pick up everything Wednesday so she wouldn't have anything to take down to the parking lot. That seems to be my only power play here. Any advice? I hate overbearing people. They are mean, wicked, and are bullies to everyone. She's a real *****.

3rd situation: Finding my own place while i live in my mother's empty apartment for the next 3 weeks.

I have applied to several roommate situations already, and to several studio apartments and presented my grad school award letter as proof of income as I have no full-time job (again, please refrain from lecturing me on not having a full time job; I'm fully aware I don't have one, I don't need to be criticized for it). I'm worried I will be turned down b/c I have bad credit (yes, had I the money I would pay down my debts that are in collections to get them removed from my credit report, so, you don't need to tell me how to do that), and no full time job, but am a grad student.

I can't live in a dorm b/c I'm too old, and there are no dorm rooms available. AND, if there were and I wasn't too old, my entire tuition refund check would be used to pay the dormitory rent, so I would have no money left over for gas, food, or bills. So, living in the dorm is not even practical for me, financially. I need to find a place where I can pay rent with a portion of my tuition refund check that I get every semester.

Advice needed: Should I just try to pay the exorbitant weekly fees required by short term stay apartments instead, while I try to get a job, and try to resolve my current 7 week grad school course dilemma?

Or, should I keep trying to find a roommate/my own place? I thought about finding a cheap motel to rent a room in. My dad did it when he was a grad student in the 1960s and he went on to become very successful before he died. So, nothing is beneath me, when it comes to shelter right now.

I'm just so burnt out, after looking after my mother and she is finally in a long term memory care place now. So I can stop focusing my energy on that situation's outcome as she's at a great place that will take care of her now.

I'm really exhausted and it is weird to live in my mother's apartment that is nearly completely empty.
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Default Jun 11, 2019 at 03:47 PM
  #2
My suggestion about school is go see your advisor and ask for extension of your class due to being a care giver for your mother. Yes ask for formal permission. Ton of people ask for extensions due to health or family concerns.

As about woman who has the key, I’d inform apartment management and possibly try to find who are the owners of the property and inform them that unauthorized party has the keys. She should not have keys if she isn’t a landlord. Perhaps I’d even get police involved. I’d not explain anything to her, she doesn’t have legal power over you.

I don’t know about living arrangement but I’d probably try to find roommates. Yes maybe motel with weekly rates is an option if you only have 3 weeks left.. All while you are looking for roommates. Not sure what it all costs, maybe weekly rates aren’t bad. . Would you qualify for subsidized housing? From my understanding the fastest way to get subsidized housing is go to a shelter. Maybe other people have better advice re living arrangements.
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Default Jun 11, 2019 at 09:13 PM
  #3
Thanks for responding to my thread, divine1966, I appreciate your support.

I emailed my instructor tonight that I was not going to be in class. I just had to deal with an emergency at the facility where my mother is a new resident, and it happened around the time my class was supposed to start. So, I emailed my instructor and then emailed my program director, to ask both for an extension.

My hope is that the program director will officially grant me the extension -- at least until mid-July so that I can complete the assignments and pass the course. Otherwise, I'm effed, as they say.

I like your suggestion regarding the nosy neighbor, who has keys to everyone's apartments b/c the building caretaker gave her access. I did email the corporate office to notify them because I DONT trust the caretaker. He knows she's overbearing already, so sharing my concerns with him, would have been a waste of time. Hopefully, once the corporate rental office knows, they'll deal with that very unethical situation at my mother's 55+ building.

Ironically, my instructor writes grants for homeless shelters. So, technically I could tell her "Hey, I'm about to be homeless, got any suggestions for me?" and see if she can give me resources.

The women shelters in my city are sub par but they do exist. Only one has dorm-like bedrooms whereas the rest of the women shelters here have twin bed/cot like setups in large open-aired rooms which sounds frightening to me, but may be something I have to do, like many other women who are in my situation (no job, no income).

It's not like my grad school refund was enormous and I did spent about $2K to pay off some high debts in collections, that prospective landlords see when they run credit checks on prospective tenants. So, I surmised if I paid off the 'big debts' today, that may play out in my favor when I apply to be a tenant somewhere, or with a roommate. I'm leary of roommate situations only because the last roommate I lived with (she owned the house) was an alcoholic. So, she would come down stairs to her basement at night, sloshed 3-sheets to the wind, and yell my name until I woke up, scared of what was happening, only to have to listen to her drunkenly regale me of her day. This happened for 3 months straight until I moved out. That was a few years ago, but I am very scared to live with a complete stranger, although I'm no spring chicken. I love the tv shows about roommates, but that's TV, not real life.

Worse comes to worse, I"ll try to live in a cheap motel for a month until the fall semester starts, and I receive another tuition refund. I can't live in the dorm b/c the dorm cost would take all of my fall refund and if I don't have a job by August, I'd have no money to live on. And I don't qualify for work-study since I"m a grad student. But I will go to the career center there this week to find out what my options are, with resume help.

Quote:
Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
My suggestion about school is go see your advisor and ask for extension of your class due to being a care giver for your mother. Yes ask for formal permission. Ton of people ask for extensions due to health or family concerns.

As about woman who has the key, I’d inform apartment management and possibly try to find who are the owners of the property and inform them that unauthorized party has the keys. She should not have keys if she isn’t a landlord. Perhaps I’d even get police involved. I’d not explain anything to her, she doesn’t have legal power over you.

I don’t know about living arrangement but I’d probably try to find roommates. Yes maybe motel with weekly rates is an option if you only have 3 weeks left.. All while you are looking for roommates. Not sure what it all costs, maybe weekly rates aren’t bad. . Would you qualify for subsidized housing? From my understanding the fastest way to get subsidized housing is go to a shelter. Maybe other people have better advice re living arrangements.
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Default Jun 11, 2019 at 09:37 PM
  #4
quickly change the lock on your mom's place. nothing like a key that won't work in a lock to frustrate people. really not that hard to do. you can get one in lowes or home depot or even walmart
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Default Jun 11, 2019 at 10:36 PM
  #5
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Originally Posted by resurgam View Post
quickly change the lock on your mom's place. nothing like a key that won't work in a lock to frustrate people. really not that hard to do. you can get one in lowes or home depot or even walmart
Well, I don't want to poke the hornet's nest, as the saying goes. So, I won't change the locks. I have enough problems, as it is. Angering an already mentally ill, overbearing woman with keys to my mom's apartment is the last thing I want to do. I have a computer here, so she could take it, or do god knows what to the apartment that would cause my mom to lose her security deposit.
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Default Jun 11, 2019 at 11:22 PM
  #6
I don’t think you’d be allowed to change locks but isn’t there more chance of her stealing your computer and other stuff if she does have the key? How would she take a computer if she wouldn’t be able to unlock the door? Maybe I am not understanding the whole set up but how and why does she have a key? Does she actually go into people’s places in their absence? Hopefully rental office would look into it. Unbelievable.

I think you might need a co-signer for an apartment. Or find rental situation that wouldn’t look into credit history or expect employment such as private rental (someone just rents one room out not like apartment complex ). I have never lived with roommates but my daughter has some awful stories to tell (and some good ones). But honestly without income your options are limited. You might need some help from welfare system. I’d look up social security offices online if they offer anything.

When are you done with grad school? Do you have any family or friends you can stay with while finishing grad school? You mentioned people who helped you out before.
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Default Jun 11, 2019 at 11:46 PM
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Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
I don’t think you’d be allowed to change locks but isn’t there more chance of her stealing your computer and other stuff if she does have the key? How would she take a computer if she wouldn’t be able to unlock the door? Maybe I am not understanding the whole set up but how and why does she have a key? Does she actually go into people’s places in their absence? Hopefully rental office would look into it. Unbelievable.

I think you might need a co-signer for an apartment. Or find rental situation that wouldn’t look into credit history or expect employment such as private rental (someone just rents one room out not like apartment complex ). I have never lived with roommates but my daughter has some awful stories to tell (and some good ones). But honestly without income your options are limited. You might need some help from welfare system. I’d look up social security offices online if they offer anything.

When are you done with grad school? Do you have any family or friends you can stay with while finishing grad school? You mentioned people who helped you out before.
She helps out the building caretaker, that's why she has a key to everyone's place. I already notified corporate about it. I don't know if corporate already knows about the weird, illegal arrangement between this building caretaker and this nosy neighbor of my mother's.

I don't know if she enters tenants apartments here without their knowledge. If she takes my computer, she takes it. I'm not going to change the locks. I am legally not allowed to change the lock on my mother's apartment door.

Yes, I am on Craigslist contacting people who are looking for roommates, but 3 weeks is a limited time. I may have to resort to a week or two in a cheap hotel while I continue roommate hunting.

I'm also going to register with more temp agencies this week and next week, while I wait to hear if my grad program director will grant me an extension for this course I"m in now. If he grants me the extension, that's one less problem to worry about. Shelter is my number one problem. Grad school is low on the totem pole, if I have to sleep in my SUV while I look for a job. There are work force centers here I can go to, and public libraries, to send out my resume for jobs that I apply to.

I'm just so frustrated that this is happening to me. And it's no one's fault but my own. And no, I'm not beating myself up either. People often mistake my practical stance as self-depreciation or low self esteem. But I'm just telling it like it is: my choices, the circumstances of my situation, are what led me to this situation. So, the only way out of it, is to think my way out and problem solve. Easier said than done. But so many people are in my situation. So, I have to figure it out.

None of my cousins on my dad's side will let me temporarily live with them, and neither will my sister or brother. So, my own family don't want anything to do with me. That is a hard pill to swallow, but it is my reality. It's a reflection of their response to me, so clearly I have done or said things to my cousins over the years that puts them off of letting me stay with them. I could rant and rave about how terrible they are, but it won't change the fact that they have a right to reject and shun me, as much as I may hate it. And I do hate it.
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Default Jun 12, 2019 at 02:05 PM
  #8
what you can do to see if she enters your apartment illegally after you leave (and hopefully your mother doesn't go out) is place some clear tape over the door between the frame and the door. if the door opens the tape will be broken and you will know. don't use wide tape , that would be obvious and do it near the bottom. you can also place something by the door inside son that mom would have to move it to open the door..it's hit or miss if she does but you'll get an idea.

it's very low tech but it works. you will know if your door has been opened. trust me.

take a pix of the tape with a ttime/date stamp on your phone each date when you leave & return...this way you will have proof. hard to complain to corporate if you can't prove anything...
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