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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 02:41 PM
  #21
theoretical, if people tend to come to you to vent, you don't have to feel their feelings. What they are using you for is a sounding board they can vent their emotional build up with.

If you get a physical injury you can feel physical pain right? You would be able to at least groan with physical pain right?
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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 02:54 PM
  #22
Agreed on all counts, and...

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Originally Posted by SilverTrees View Post
Is she the one you might move in with?
Yes. Well, it's more like I'm going to X location regardless of what anyone else does, and a couple of other people are now wanting to go to X as well for their own reasons. She pitched the idea that we should rent a place together to save money.

Nearly all of my relationships have been very one-sided, probably as a result of the huge difference in emotional depth between us. Normal people need emotional support from time to time, whereas I don't. Anyone I live with for an extended period of time will start to realize that. On the flip side, I also don't get affected much at all by other people's emotional baggage.

You're right, though, that this is excessive drama. I'd like to say that it's because of extreme circumstances, but that doesn't ring true. And even if I don't get affected by it emotionally, that doesn't mean it won't come back to bite me in the *** some other way.

I don't mind listening to her issues or offering advice where it's appropriate. But if she expects any depth of feeling or keeps trying to get me to "open up," we're gonna have some problems. How do I tell her that?
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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 03:36 PM
  #23
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Originally Posted by Iloivar View Post
Yeah, suggesting she find a therapist for her issues benefits both you and her.
I've suggested it. She can't afford one.

One thing you could try if you're in situations where the opportunity arises, is to simply confess your limited emotional capacity, among other things, so whatever is needed given the context. Essentially, describing your psychopathy or aspects of it without telling them you are one.

Yeah, that's the approach I'm going to try. Ease 'em into it. But like I said, I don't think she understands what that means. She interpreted it as: "You have emotions, but are unable to express them. I must teach you to express yourself!" Is it really a difficult notion for people to get?

I'd imagine many people have preconceived notions of psychopathy. Serial killer, sadistic, inherently evil, criminal, all that jazz.

Definitely. Another co-worker jokingly said that so-and-so probably had a spotless apartment with everything always in perfect order, "like a psychopath." Where do people even get these ideas? A different co-worker claimed to be a psychopath when he clearly isn't.

Also, how exhausting is putting on an "emotional facade"? Enough for you to make this thread I suppose?

Normal day-to-day stuff is effortless - like I mentioned earlier, it's basically an unconscious reaction anymore, even if there's no real emotion behind it - but excessive emotions, such as consoling someone who's grieving or expressing a deep, romantic connection, requires a lot of effort. It's the main reason I avoid close relationships, especially romantic relationships. I can't keep it up longterm, especially not if I'm living with the person and they expect it everyday.

...how many have you thought were able to see through your facade? Not many, im guessing?

Meh, it depends on what you mean. Most people who are close to me know that I'm pretty cold, but I don't think they realize quite how cold. I'm still friendly and helpful. It's only in rather extreme situations where they'll notice that I'm not very emotional. It's shocked a few people, but they've never talked with me about it since then, so I don't know what they make of it.

Acquaintances usually tell me that I'm very kind and a good person, always eager to help, etc.

Predatory types will get to see exactly how cold I can be, but that isn't because they saw through the mask, it's because I removed it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
theoretical, if people tend to come to you to vent, you don't have to feel their feelings. What they are using you for is a sounding board they can vent their emotional build up with.

If you get a physical injury you can feel physical pain right? You would be able to at least groan with physical pain right?
Yeah, pretty much. I was going to compare it to the emotional equivalent of wailing on a punching bag to release anger. But I will give advice back, whether they want it or not, so it's not the best analogy. I kind of see it like problem solving.
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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 03:40 PM
  #24
Ok, so you feel physical pain and you feel anger is that correct?
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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 03:42 PM
  #25
But if she expects any depth of feeling or keeps trying to get me to "open up," we're gonna have some problems. How do I tell her that?

Good question. I'd go low-key and minimalist. If she brings it up again, you can say something simple like: "I'm good. This is just me being me. That's all."
If she pushes again... "As I said before, that's not something I need to do. I'm not going to discuss this further."
If she continues to push, she has revealed herself as someone who does not respect boundaries. I would step back at that point.

If she enjoys drama, perhaps she'll grow bored of your lack of "opening up?" How long have you known her? Think of the man she's currently drawn to....messy divorce, technically still married. Perhaps she is hoping you will "open up" to provide her with some gossip and excitement?
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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 03:54 PM
  #26
Another co-worker jokingly said that so-and-so probably had a spotless apartment with everything always in perfect order, "like a psychopath." Where do people even get these ideas?

From TV shows and movies. Have you noticed how popular crime/killer shows are? I've always wondered why. Fantasy maybe? People enjoy watching characters do things they would never do in their own lives? There's a show that's entirely devoted to sex crimes. A friend told me basically every episode starts out with a murdered prostitute or a case of child abuse. Personally, I don't see the appeal of such a show. Watching the news is rough enough. But apparently lots of people enjoy it! And what about Breaking Bad? I only made it through 1/2 an episode it was so depressing. But it was a huge hit. Dexter was all about a serial killer....a serial killer who only killed "bad guys"....that concept made me chuckle. House of Cards was basically about a couple of psychopaths.
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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 04:00 PM
  #27
Dang it. I am a clean freak and my place is very clean and is in perfect order. So is my clothes etc etc I just like for things to look aesthetically pleasing. Apparently it makes me a psychopath. Lol

in my experience people who claim that neat people have something wrong with them live themselves in filth and are unkempt. They use all this nonsense as an excuse for their messiness. Jeez

As about your friend I’d offer her support by providing practical solution: don’t date married men and don’t date people at work and stay out of messy relationships. If she wants something more from you particularly unicorns and rainbows and mutual wailing and moping, politely decline and let her know that you already provided support by advising her staying away from the man in question. That’s all you can provide. If she wants more she should seek it somewhere else. Plenty of people would like to mutually cry on each other shoulders. She can find someone to do that. Sorry for sounding harsh but is this person doesn’t sound like a grown up.
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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 04:02 PM
  #28
Quote:
Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
Ok, so you feel physical pain and you feel anger is that correct?
Yes.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SilverTrees View Post
But if she expects any depth of feeling or keeps trying to get me to "open up," we're gonna have some problems. How do I tell her that?

Good question. I'd go low-key and minimalist. If she brings it up again, you can say something simple like: "I'm good. This is just me being me. That's all."
If she pushes again... "As I said before, that's not something I need to do. I'm not going to discuss this further."
If she continues to push, she has revealed herself as someone who does not respect boundaries. I would step back at that point.

If she enjoys drama, perhaps she'll grow bored of your lack of "opening up?" How long have you known her? Think of the man she's currently drawn to....messy divorce, technically still married. Perhaps she is hoping you will "open up" to provide her with some gossip and excitement?
Yeah, I'll do that, and we'll see how well she handles boundaries.

While I do think she attracts drama, and probably even enjoys it to an extent, I'm not convinced that she likes me for the same reason. I think she likes me because I'm the counterbalance to the highly emotional junk that's going on in her life. She can vent all her emotions to me, and I'll be relatively calm and stable, regardless of what she does.

But this isn't a good thing. Suppose I weren't a psychopath and she were unloading all this onto some unsuspecting, innocent bystander who would be emotionally affected by it. Which is what she thinks she's doing, because she doesn't know that I'm not emotionally affected by it. Yet she continues to do it.
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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 04:09 PM
  #29
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Originally Posted by theoretical View Post
Yes.


Yeah, I'll do that, and we'll see how well she handles boundaries.

While I do think she attracts drama, and probably even enjoys it to an extent, I'm not convinced that she likes me for the same reason. I think she likes me because I'm the counterbalance to the highly emotional junk that's going on in her life. She can vent all her emotions to me, and I'll be relatively calm and stable, regardless of what she does.

But this isn't a good thing. Suppose I weren't a psychopath and she were unloading all this onto some unsuspecting, innocent bystander who would be emotionally affected by it. Which is what she thinks she's doing, because she doesn't know that I'm not emotionally affected by it. Yet she continues to do it.
Excellent points. And no, I wasn't suggesting that she thinks you are dramatic. You obviously aren't. I was just wondering if that is what the bids for you to open up are about....digging for some "dirt." It does not sound like a genuine offering of support from her end. Because I don't think she's necessarily capable of that.

Yes, good point about what she thinks she's doing. At best, she's self-absorbed and insecure. At worst, she's trouble.

I was listening to a talk the other day from a psychologist I like. Something that struck me as very important was: "Insecurity does not stay contained. It inevitably spills out and affects the people around the insecure person."

Ultimately, I think it comes down to what you are willing to accept and tolerate from other people in your life.
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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 04:21 PM
  #30
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Originally Posted by SilverTrees View Post
Another co-worker jokingly said that so-and-so probably had a spotless apartment with everything always in perfect order, "like a psychopath." Where do people even get these ideas?

From TV shows and movies. Have you noticed how popular crime/killer shows are?
Yes. It's very amusing, and I kind of wonder what non-psychopaths think of shows like that, or why they cheer on characters like Walter White. I think you're right - they can disassociate themselves from it fairly easily because it's fantasy.

On the other hand, I'd like to conduct a study on the sorts of people who enjoy shows with villain protagonists and see how high they rate on the Dark Triad.

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Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
If she wants something more from you particularly unicorns and rainbows and mutual wailing and moping, politely decline and let her know that you already provided support by advising her staying away from the man in question. ... Sorry for sounding harsh but is this person doesn’t sound like a grown up.
Will do. I think I'm also going to talk with Ben as well. Thus far, I've only heard these things from her side. And yeah, she's immature, and more than a little manipulative, though I doubt she's doing it deliberately or coldly. All that being considered, I'm not sure how much of this story has been embellished.

And you're definitely a psychopath. You actually wash your clothes?! Who does that?
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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 04:34 PM
  #31
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I was just wondering if that is what the bids for you to open up are about....digging for some "dirt." It does not sound like a genuine offering of support from her end.

At best, she's self-absorbed and insecure. At worst, she's trouble.
It definitely could be that she's digging for "dirt." I'm actually leaning toward that possibility. The only way to find out for sure is to give her something and see what she does with that information. But that would be manipulative, wouldn't it?

Anyway, thanks for the suggestions. I'll be hanging out with her again soon, and I'll see how it goes.
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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 04:35 PM
  #32
On the other hand, I'd like to conduct a study on the sorts of people who enjoy shows with villain protagonists and see how high they rate on the Dark Triad.

I would very much like to read the results of such a study! Including from participants who write and direct those shows. For example, I've heard (though have never watched) that Game of Thrones (massive following) portrayed gratuitous rape scenes. That's just one example. When I see films or shows where they are so graphic with rape, I always wonder if the men who direct them are trying to appeal to some men's darkest impulses? And I wonder if the directors get off while watching such scenes. I ran that idea by a couple of friends and they thought I was nuts! Hahahaha. Oh well!
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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 04:37 PM
  #33
What do you do when you feel angry? How do you release your anger?

Anger usually creates adreneline ready for fight, do you have to act out that adreneline or does it just go away?
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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 04:38 PM
  #34
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When I see films or shows where they are so graphic with rape, I always wonder if the men who direct them are trying to appeal to some men's darkest impulses? And I wonder if the directors get off while watching such scenes. I ran that idea by a couple of friends and they thought I was nuts! Hahahaha. Oh well!
Oh, there's so much to be said on that topic. I'll make a thread of it in the Q&A forum when I get the time.
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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 04:38 PM
  #35
[QUOTE=theoretical;6558416]It definitely could be that she's digging for "dirt." I'm actually leaning toward that possibility. The only way to find out for sure is to give her something and see what she does with that information. But that would be manipulative, wouldn't it?

Doing that once could be just a screen. Repeatedly would be manipulative. Imo.
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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 04:39 PM
  #36
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Oh, there's so much to be said on that topic. I'll make a thread of it in the Q&A forum when I get the time.
Cheers! I would love to read that. I've wondered about these things for years but nobody agrees with me so there's really no discussion. Have a good eve!
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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 04:42 PM
  #37
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What do you do when you feel angry? How do you release your anger?

Anger usually creates adreneline ready for fight, do you have to act out that adreneline or does it just go away?
I throw things at walls or hit stuff. It comes and goes in a flash, so I usually have to leave the situation immediately if I want to not throw things or start a fight. I'd like to be able to control it in the moment, but it happens so rarely and briefly that it's difficult for me to get any practice with it.
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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 04:50 PM
  #38
Silver, Game of Thrones was based on a series of novels and the only way that writer would consider his work being put into film is if his work was not condensed which would have left out a lot of what he felt was important about his work. He explained that his work was expressing a lot of human emotions and included how violent human beings can be as well as cruel and savage. It's about those who covet power and those who have it and what they do with it.

"Game of Thrones": "60 Minutes" goes behind the scenes ahead of season 8 premiere - CBS News

Hope this isn't hyjacking, just watched this on 60 minutes and it explains why the author allowed what became the very popular series shown on HBO. The author explains why he would only allow his work to be put into film if it was done in a way that reflected all of his work instead of condensing it in this segment as I have mentioned.

I found it interesting as I had not watched or followed it myself, too violent for my taste tbh.
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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 05:15 PM
  #39
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I throw things at walls or hit stuff. It comes and goes in a flash, so I usually have to leave the situation immediately if I want to not throw things or start a fight. I'd like to be able to control it in the moment, but it happens so rarely and briefly that it's difficult for me to get any practice with it.
That is what someone emotionally overwhelmed can need, they need to vent it out and prefer to have someone that can listen without interupting them. You feel it in a flash an at least know you need to leave a situation quickly. When someone has a lot of built up confusing emotions, they try to surpress these emotions until they need to release them and often need to do so verbally. Women especially need to experience emotions so she can nurture her young and get so she can feel a child's needs before that child is able to verbalize their needs. When this woman you are talking about wants you to share her emotional experiences, you don't have to tell her you don't feel emotions, rather you can explain to her that you are set up to rationalize and problem solve as so many males do and she would best reach out to other women who can emotionalize with her in a sympathic way.
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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 05:37 PM
  #40
She could be exaggerating all that she says about the guy. I’ve met women who assume that guys are madly in love with them when it’s not the case at all.

Too much drama for my taste. Especially at work
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