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Unhappy Jun 18, 2019 at 11:38 AM
  #1
I am not good at “coping” with hypocrites. They make me very angry.

I do not like people who play others like freakin violins

How do you deal with hypocrites other than avoiding them?

(Not anyone on pc)

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Default Jun 18, 2019 at 03:15 PM
  #2
I try to avoid them. . I’m disturbed by how many cruel people there are in the world.

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Default Jun 18, 2019 at 05:21 PM
  #3
I limit my time around them as best I can. It is appalling how many cruel people there are, I agree!

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Default Jun 21, 2019 at 12:04 AM
  #4
Yes, they are the most difficult type of people to deal with. Best to avoid them.
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Default Jun 21, 2019 at 09:42 PM
  #5
“Replacement modules” .....

(Not about anyone on pc)

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Default Jun 22, 2019 at 10:29 AM
  #6
Quote:
I am not good at “coping” with hypocrites. They make me very angry.
Fuzzy, unfortunately a lot of people don't really know how to sit with another person who has emotional needs. Often they want a person to sit with them when they have emotional needs but they simply cannot reciprocate. This is why these individuals can present as hipocrites.

It is these kind of individuals that will say in different ways how much they don't want to observe another person's behaviors and understand how these behaviors are often due to that other person's unmet needs. An unmet need typically stems from early childhood where that individual was not allowed to develop their own identity. Instead, these individuals had to constantly meet up the the expectations of others and sometimes the only thing others provided was expecting this child to conform to their own ideas of what is "right or good" without actually looking at that child's needs and instead encouraged them to learn, develop, achieve in their own ways.

This often sets that child up to feel inadequate and constantly needing reasurances because they tend to struggle with being ok to have their own identity. This also sets this child up to gravitate to what is called "love bombing" techniques because suddenly someone comes along that tells them all the things they needed to hear and never got before. Unfortunately, that can lead to suddenly experiencing rejections where that person is left completely confused as to why they are suddenly not worthy like they were before. Hense, even more emotional confusion along with experiencing confusing anxieties as well.

I think you can empathize with hurts because you have in your own life been hurt and abused and got very little nurturing. Unfortunately, while others will always like having all the attention and sympathy, it doesn't mean that individual can provide that to others. You may experience a person who dumps their load on you even though you have your own personal challenges, you may get a little bit of attention, but the truth is what that other person REALLY wants is for you to sit and listen while they dump all their emotional duress out on you. Once this person has done that and regains some balance though, often without even realizing it they can suddenly decide to come back at you and tell you all the things that are wrong with you. They take you on a ride they need to control and then often when they are needing to exert power again, you tend to be the one they choose to do that with too. And, this person NEVER really considered all the very real challenges YOU were facing, it was ALL ABOUT THEM. And that's why they come across as a hypocrite.

One of my own challenges has been feeling safe to vent my own personal hurts. This is due to how I have experienced too many individuals who only want me to deal with THEIR needs and emotional challenges and simply cannot do the same for me and even get angry if I do express a need and have my own emotional challenges. These tend to be the very same people that never want to understand any "whys" when it comes to others needs and behaviors. So they cannot really actually sit with you Fuzzy and provide that kind of "caring" knowledge with you, all they can do is say "that's too bad" now LET'S TALK ABOUT ME, ME, ME. Or they are cold and tend to talk down to you and can be critical of you for experiencing deep emotional needs or even expecting they may have respect for you like you TRIED to do for them.

Does that ring bells for you?
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Default Jun 22, 2019 at 10:50 AM
  #7
This does ring some bells OE There are some individuals who themselves have a requirement for others to be respectful to them while not offering respect to others in return.., or only with “strings” - conditional “acceptance” at best.

I could write more..

Quote:
Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
Fuzzy, unfortunately a lot of people don't really know how to sit with another person who has emotional needs. Often they want a person to sit with them when they have emotional needs but they simply cannot reciprocate. This is why these individuals can present as hipocrites.

It is these kind of individuals that will say in different ways how much they don't want to observe another person's behaviors and understand how these behaviors are often due to that other person's unmet needs. An unmet need typically stems from early childhood where that individual was not allowed to develop their own identity. Instead, these individuals had to constantly meet up the the expectations of others and sometimes the only thing others provided was expecting this child to conform to their own ideas of what is "right or good" without actually looking at that child's needs and instead encouraged them to learn, develop, achieve in their own ways.

This often sets that child up to feel inadequate and constantly needing reasurances because they tend to struggle with being ok to have their own identity. This also sets this child up to gravitate to what is called "love bombing" techniques because suddenly someone comes along that tells them all the things they needed to hear and never got before. Unfortunately, that can lead to suddenly experiencing rejections where that person is left completely confused as to why they are suddenly not worthy like they were before. Hense, even more emotional confusion along with experiencing confusing anxieties as well.

I think you can empathize with hurts because you have in your own life been hurt and abused and got very little nurturing. Unfortunately, while others will always like having all the attention and sympathy, it doesn't mean that individual can provide that to others. You may experience a person who dumps their load on you even though you have your own personal challenges, you may get a little bit of attention, but the truth is what that other person REALLY wants is for you to sit and listen while they dump all their emotional duress out on you. Once this person has done that and regains some balance though, often without even realizing it they can suddenly decide to come back at you and tell you all the things that are wrong with you. They take you on a ride they need to control and then often when they are needing to exert power again, you tend to be the one they choose to do that with too. And, this person NEVER really considered all the very real challenges YOU were facing, it was ALL ABOUT THEM. And that's why they come across as a hypocrite.

One of my own challenges has been feeling safe to vent my own personal hurts. This is due to how I have experienced too many individuals who only want me to deal with THEIR needs and emotional challenges and simply cannot do the same for me and even get angry if I do express a need and have my own emotional challenges. These tend to be the very same people that never want to understand any "whys" when it comes to others needs and behaviors. So they cannot really actually sit with you Fuzzy and provide that kind of "caring" knowledge with you, all they can do is say "that's too bad" now LET'S TALK ABOUT ME, ME, ME. Or they are cold and tend to talk down to you and can be critical of you for experiencing deep emotional needs or even expecting they may have respect for you like you TRIED to do for them.

Does that ring bells for you?

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Default Jun 22, 2019 at 10:53 AM
  #8
Fuzzy, one of the things I am doing now is when I extend myself as a listener and end up facing that person's anger and they don't see that I am struggling and it's the last thing I need is I just walk away from that person.

I already know I don't have ALL the answers and I don't have super powers and I can't FIX others either. I try to be respectful and considerate and listen and I have learned now not to expect the same from others and they often do let me know. Now I need to recognize that and actually believe them when they show me the flags that tell me "sorry about your problems, now I need to talk about ME, ME, ME". Looking back I have noticed this kind of pattern when someone will unload on me in a way that is unhealthy for me. Typically this kind of individual doesn't look at you very much or notice your challenges. This kind of person tends to need you to service their needs and only looks at you when you make them unhappy in some way and you did not crouch enough when they needed to dump anger out on you. They just cant hear your tears over their own PERIOD.
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Default Jun 22, 2019 at 11:05 AM
  #9
Eloquently put OE. I’m sorry you’ve encountered individuals with these sorts of unhealthy patterns. I can relate.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
Fuzzy, one of the things I am doing now is when I extend myself as a listener and end up facing that person's anger and they don't see that I am struggling and it's the last thing I need is I just walk away from that person.

I already know I don't have ALL the answers and I don't have super powers and I can't FIX others either. I try to be respectful and considerate and listen and I have learned now not to expect the same from others and they often do let me know. Now I need to recognize that and actually believe them when they show me the flags that tell me "sorry about your problems, now I need to talk about ME, ME, ME". Looking back I have noticed this kind of pattern when someone will unload on me in a way that is unhealthy for me. Typically this kind of individual doesn't look at you very much or notice your challenges. This kind of person tends to need you to service their needs and only looks at you when you make them unhappy in some way and you did not crouch enough when they needed to dump anger out on you. They just cant hear your tears over their own PERIOD.

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Default Jun 22, 2019 at 12:39 PM
  #10
Yes, so much so that I was invaded and disrespected badly where I suffered a great deal of damage and loss that overwhelmed me to where I experienced a post traumatic stress breakdown. Then I was treated badly for experiencing a post traumatic stress breakdown. I failed to get the right help so I progressed into developing full blown PTSD. It's been very hard learning all about what I experienced and seeing how if I had gotten the right treatment I may very well have avoided developing the disorder.

I know you also struggle with ptsd yourself and for a long time you did not even have it in you to talk even. It's very important that you recognize how far you HAVE come on your healing journey. You are trying to interact and this can present you with some challenges that can trigger you. It's important that you allow yourself to recognize that you are learning and in that you will experience some triggers and setbacks. What I have noticed though is that you are discussing these various challenges that's a lot of progress for you. It's important to understand that when you have a negative experience and run to your cave to recover it doesn't mean you are a failure or any of the things Toxic people from your past tried to label you with. These individuals were toxic and totally ill equiped to provide healthy nurturing to a child.

I know for myself I have had to deal with a very unbalanced toxic individual and though I have talked about it, it's really hard when it comes to explaining to others how bad it has been in a way these others don't hand me some "just ignore it" suggestions. On top of that I also have another presence that constantly talks over me, interupts me and likes to hand me orders instead of providing me with a calm presence. This presence is wired so differently than me and it tends to aggravate the ptsd that I am trying very hard to manage. One day a therapist said to me "wow, that's pretty intense, must be hard to live with" and I learned what that kind of presence is labelled as and YES, it can be exhausting to live with, even more so when challenged with ptsd. This kind of presence is not able to see how I manage things and CONSTANTLY has to change things around and that makes my challenge worse in that I am trying to recover what I had and it doesn't help to experience a presence that constantly changes things around, and will even do so in conversations as well. Along with that this individual has extremely loud body language so he doesn't have to say anything he wears it all over his face and displays it constantly by getting increasingly louder and slamming doors and drawers. I have a lot of broken cabinets and doors and drawers.

When I share in my own thread at times I can be reactive simply because how things are for me IRL that others simply can't see. The past six months alone were so bad on so many levels I don't even know how to describe it tbh. However, the one person who CAN see it is the trauma therapist I am working with. My therapist is a calm presence and he doesn't have any kind of presence that expresses this need to take over and fill the room. I can get triggered if I experience a presence that focuses on me to the point where they cross examine me and criticize anything I say trying to correct me. The only way this individual could even begin to understand that is to experience the individuals that have hovered over me in the most intrusive toxic ways where I literally have been overwhelmed with constantly controlling presences and so little freedom to function on so many levels. I can't even sit and watch something on TV with my husband without him interupting what I am watching with statements and questions like I am supposed to have written the movie we are watching. I could not be around my parents without experiencing this awful hovering presence that paced back and forth and needed to watch every little thing I did or said. And then this presence decided to project all these things accusing me of doing things I never did too. It got so it was utterly delusional. Honestly, I sit across from my therapist so triggered needing to vent and a big part of that is wrapped up in disbelief about how bad things really were.

So, I know how hard it can be to find your own voice. And I know how it feels to just want to climb in your cave and shut everything out too. It's ok to retreat and pull back when you need to do so. It's awsome that you have progressed to where you are talking about the challenges you are facing. It's important to remember how far you have come and that you are trying to learn and you have ventured out trying to engage. I have had people say some very mean things to me too Fuzzy, yet I have also had to step back and consider the source too, that's something you are trying to work on yourself. It's important that you continue to look at these flashes and allow yourself to say "that person was wrong back then and is still wrong now". I get these toxic flashes too, I know first hand how intrusive they can be and how patient I have to be when they come forward and I relive the hurts I experienced when they happened before I was able to stand up and defend myself.
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Default Jun 22, 2019 at 03:43 PM
  #11
Thanks OE

Quote:
Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
Yes, so much so that I was invaded and disrespected badly where I suffered a great deal of damage and loss that overwhelmed me to where I experienced a post traumatic stress breakdown. Then I was treated badly for experiencing a post traumatic stress breakdown. I failed to get the right help so I progressed into developing full blown PTSD. It's been very hard learning all about what I experienced and seeing how if I had gotten the right treatment I may very well have avoided developing the disorder.

I know you also struggle with ptsd yourself and for a long time you did not even have it in you to talk even. It's very important that you recognize how far you HAVE come on your healing journey. You are trying to interact and this can present you with some challenges that can trigger you. It's important that you allow yourself to recognize that you are learning and in that you will experience some triggers and setbacks. What I have noticed though is that you are discussing these various challenges that's a lot of progress for you. It's important to understand that when you have a negative experience and run to your cave to recover it doesn't mean you are a failure or any of the things Toxic people from your past tried to label you with. These individuals were toxic and totally ill equiped to provide healthy nurturing to a child.

I know for myself I have had to deal with a very unbalanced toxic individual and though I have talked about it, it's really hard when it comes to explaining to others how bad it has been in a way these others don't hand me some "just ignore it" suggestions. On top of that I also have another presence that constantly talks over me, interupts me and likes to hand me orders instead of providing me with a calm presence. This presence is wired so differently than me and it tends to aggravate the ptsd that I am trying very hard to manage. One day a therapist said to me "wow, that's pretty intense, must be hard to live with" and I learned what that kind of presence is labelled as and YES, it can be exhausting to live with, even more so when challenged with ptsd. This kind of presence is not able to see how I manage things and CONSTANTLY has to change things around and that makes my challenge worse in that I am trying to recover what I had and it doesn't help to experience a presence that constantly changes things around, and will even do so in conversations as well. Along with that this individual has extremely loud body language so he doesn't have to say anything he wears it all over his face and displays it constantly by getting increasingly louder and slamming doors and drawers. I have a lot of broken cabinets and doors and drawers.

When I share in my own thread at times I can be reactive simply because how things are for me IRL that others simply can't see. The past six months alone were so bad on so many levels I don't even know how to describe it tbh. However, the one person who CAN see it is the trauma therapist I am working with. My therapist is a calm presence and he doesn't have any kind of presence that expresses this need to take over and fill the room. I can get triggered if I experience a presence that focuses on me to the point where they cross examine me and criticize anything I say trying to correct me. The only way this individual could even begin to understand that is to experience the individuals that have hovered over me in the most intrusive toxic ways where I literally have been overwhelmed with constantly controlling presences and so little freedom to function on so many levels. I can't even sit and watch something on TV with my husband without him interupting what I am watching with statements and questions like I am supposed to have written the movie we are watching. I could not be around my parents without experiencing this awful hovering presence that paced back and forth and needed to watch every little thing I did or said. And then this presence decided to project all these things accusing me of doing things I never did too. It got so it was utterly delusional. Honestly, I sit across from my therapist so triggered needing to vent and a big part of that is wrapped up in disbelief about how bad things really were.

So, I know how hard it can be to find your own voice. And I know how it feels to just want to climb in your cave and shut everything out too. It's ok to retreat and pull back when you need to do so. It's awsome that you have progressed to where you are talking about the challenges you are facing. It's important to remember how far you have come and that you are trying to learn and you have ventured out trying to engage. I have had people say some very mean things to me too Fuzzy, yet I have also had to step back and consider the source too, that's something you are trying to work on yourself. It's important that you continue to look at these flashes and allow yourself to say "that person was wrong back then and is still wrong now". I get these toxic flashes too, I know first hand how intrusive they can be and how patient I have to be when they come forward and I relive the hurts I experienced when they happened before I was able to stand up and defend myself.

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Default Jun 26, 2019 at 10:22 AM
  #12
I feel it's best to avoid them.

If I can't for whatever reason then I try to be assertive.

I don't think we should accept it but there are also occasions when I think does this really matter and let it go.
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