Don't know what this is

Recently I've been thinking I may have a "victim mentality" so I started reading up on that. Now I'm not so sure. That seems to be more about holding on to something in the past and using it as an excuse to get attention, pity, sympathy etc, when you should have let go of it.

Well there's definitely some attention seeking in what I feel but it's about the present not the past, and it's not pity I'm looking for. It's about current situations and problems I have, and I think what I'm trying to get from people is "help" of some sort. I've always been ashamed to ask for help so I never do it. But this "attention seeking" seems to be a round-about way of asking for help. But what it gives off is a whingey "victim mentality" that drives people away.

Sometimes I make up pointless excuses for things.

For example, the current obsession: I want this thing but there are reasons I can't have it. But there's part of me that thinks "maybe I can if I knew more". But I can't figure this out by myself, and I'm too scared (?) to ask for help from people who might know. So what do I do? I whinge and complain that I can't have one, giving the reasons why, but then for some reason I have to make up other excuses too, which aren't really true. They are mostly someones opinion that I've assumed everyone thinks like that, and therefore it must be true.

So I'll complain, and I assume I'm hoping this person will "help" me or at least point me in the right direction to try to get one. But what really happens is that they ignore me or just go "oh well". And I can see why. I'm being totally annoying. I know this because I see it in other people, and if someone was whinging like that to me, I wouldn't be sure what they were wanting anyway.

I think I need to read more on it but I'm not sure if its "victim mentality " or something else similar. There is a bit of victimising but it seems to be mostly something else, as it doesn't fit exactly into what these articles say.

So now I'm wondering what this is and how to stop. I have been journalling and wrote about some things that I've blown out of proportion that aren't true and I'm trying to get rid of them from my mind. Telling myself I won't say those things. There are valid reasons for not being able to do things, I don't need to make anything else up. If I'm going to talk about it, then mention only those real things (and don't whinge).

I just really want to get rid of this because it's so negative and not getting me anywhere. It feels like a heavy weight I'm carrying around for no reason and I want to be free of it. But it's hard when I'm not sure what it is.

From what you wrote, it doesn't seem like "victim mentality" to me, randomer123! Rather, it seems like you almost feel like you don't "deserve" those things you want and so you "make up" the reasons why you can't have it. That may also explain why you feel scared about asking for help. Perhaps you feel ashamed even though there's NOTHING to be ashamed of. Does that sounds true to you or did I get it all wrong? It is PERFECTLY possible and I don't want to assume so please let me know if you can and want to! Journaling seems like a PERFECTLY good idea to me! Keep doing that! Do you see a therapist? Maybe that could help! You could learn many new things and many new ways to cope with your feelings! Please DO consider it if you can and want to! I feel like that may REALLY help you! I wish you peace and love! Sending many safe, warm hugs to you, randomer123, and to ALL the people you love and who love you!

Thanks! This is exactly what it sounds like, I was thinking it had more to do with something shame based. And I do feel like I don't deserve some things, but most things I can easily go and buy no problem. So now I'm wondering why it's only certain things? And have to figure out where the shame comes from too.

Just wanted to say thank you for this thread, @randomer123 ...

It's provided me with some helpful information to explore when it comes to some of my own not so favorite behaviors.

It's true what is said about not being ashamed to share our stories because often it can help others.

Thanks again,
Pfrog!

You're welcome.

I've been thinking about this some more and it does seem to be mostly "unworthiness" (I think is the word). The very first "obsession" was a small item that should have been very easy to buy, just go into a shop, pick up and buy, and also quite cheap too. But every time I went to buy one I'd get really nervous and feel sick and I'd tell myself I didn't want one because.. and I'd make up all these stupid excuses.

I've always wondered what was stopping me from buying these things (obsession objects as I call them). Anything else I can just go into the shop and buy. At the time, in my late teens, I was buying a lot of clothes, jewellery, make up and CDs. I never had any problem buying those things, never even thought twice about it, just went into the shops and bought them. It never made sense.

But now I realise that with obsession objects, I've always felt like i didn't deserve them for some reason. It makes no sense because what's the difference between these things and all of the other things I can easily buy? Other than I am/was obsessed with them. They're just objects in a shop, like everything else. There really is no reason to be nervous. I still don't really understand why I get nervous when I think I don't deserve something though. Or maybe it's just because I ignored the unworthiness and tried to push past it and it pushed back by making me sick?

Well I definitely do feel unworthy. I suppose it started at school when I was bullied all of the time, but that was over 20 years ago, I shouldn't be still carrying that around. So maybe that's where the victim mentality thing comes in. I think it comes into a few other things too. But it's not so much looking for pity, more looking for someone to help me get what I want somehow. Maybe tell me I do deserve it. I don't know. I'll have to think about this more. Would be great to finally get to the bottom of this problem after all these years.

Been reading about unworthiness and coming to the conclusion that everyone is the same, equal, and just as worthy as each other. So then I deserve these things just as much as anyone else. Why do I think otherwise and why am I still letting some idiots from school stop me. Or is it something else now?

At some of these places the jobcentre sends me to, there's some awful people that give me a hard time. But they are idiots, they are not worth thinking about. They can say what they want, why would that stop me from buying something or even looking at something. What am I really scared of? It's not really "scared", it's something else. But I know that I'm worried about what others will think, and that they will be talking to me long after I've left the shop. And I know that's not true.

So this current obsession, I can't have one, that's a fact. But maybe I could look at them, could pretend I'm thinking of buying one (the people in the shop don't know that I can't and I don't have to tell them, can say "just looking"). But there aren't any shops that I can get to easily, none around here, I'd have to go right out of the way (and I really can't afford to get 2 different buses to these other places). And since I can't buy one anyway it feels pointless.

So there's not much I can do about this obsession then. That side obsession has "gone", I'd still like that object but I'm not obsessed. And actually, I went all over town looking for them and couldn't find anything, I did go into the shops that might have one. At first I felt a bit queasy but eventually I was feeling more disappointed and fed up. I've looked a few times since too, and nothing. It's like they don't exist anymore, even though I've had some before (2 different times and both were years ago).

I read a bit about "inferiority complex" which might be more what I am, rather than "victim mentality". But I still think it stems from school bullies, and that was over 20 years ago, maybe I could understand that for the first obsession, but I shouldn't be still affected by that now. So I'm thinking there's something else too. I just don't know what. I'll need to have a good think about it.

Yes, it may very well be related to an inferiority complex if you have one. It is probably also related to those bullies making you feel this way. Can I ask you if you're interested in seeing a therapist? Perhaps that may help you to figure it out better! That's just my opinion of course. Still I hope you'll figure it out one way or another. Keep posting here if it helps reflecting. Sending many safe, warm hugs to you, randomer123

You do not have a victim mentality. People with victim mentality do not have consideration for how their behavior may make others feel. You have the empathy to place yourself in other people's shoes, and that is a great quality.

I think that it is very important to follow up your complaint with a request or a question.

This is because if you complain without making the purpose of your complaint known, people will really mistake you for having a victim mentality.

This is because people with victim mentality are more complaint-oriented than solution-oriented: They complain without seeking solutions, so that they can remain a victim. So I think it is vital not to leave off a wrong impression.

I've been to therapists in the past and they have been no help. I prefer to use journalling to dig deep into a problem and get to the roots. That's how I eventually come up with some ideas, things I've never thought of before.

I agree, I read some articles and came to the conclusion that it didn't describe me. I do want to improve, that's why I'm doing all of this self improvement work. I don't want to stay stuck and get pity from others, that seems pointless and wouldn't help me at all. I am always looking for solutions to problems, and I know I can work this out on my own though, so I don't know why I keep complaining to other people. I know they can't/won't help me so why waste time? Maybe it's just the ego begging for attention, I think I need to just ignore that nonsense and do what I know works or what I feel will work.


I've been thinking about this a lot and it does seem to be shame based on my appearance. All of the way through middle school and high school I was bullied for being "ugly". I was pale and skinny, so they kept calling me a ghost. Some of them said I looked like a boy. So from that I was ashamed of my appearance. I could understand this at the time and a few years later but it should have gone now. I KNOW that my appearance is neutral like everyone else's, and is meaningless. I don't take notice of other people's appearance and I'm sure nobody cares about mine.

Something I realised yesterday though, at school all the other girls were obsessed with appearance and looking cool and trendy. I never cared. Now I know that bullies are just insecure about themselves. They were so obsessed with their own looks and worrying if they looked good enough, and panicking every time they got a spot. So they probably saw me without a care in the world about what I looked like, being happy just the way I was, and that made them angry.

They were probably thinking "look at her, who does she think she is not obsessing about her appearance" and maybe they were jealous, not that my appearance was perfect, it wasn't, but because I was happy and didn't care. And I assume they needed to make me care, by telling me how ugly I was to upset me, I assume that made them feel better about themselves. That's all I can think.

Also sometimes when I wanted things, even small things, my mum would say things like "who do you think you are, the queen of Sheba?". I don't know what that was about, and it might have affected me at the time but then when I started getting my own money I just bought things anyway, some things she disapproved of, but didn't really care. So I don't think this is really still affecting me, it's more the appearance thing, because I am still embarrassed about my looks in public. Or maybe it's a mixture of both of those things. I'm not sure. Appearance is definitely part of it, I've never been happy with it.

But what I really can't understand is how I can easily buy other things. I've always been able to go out and buy food, household things, clothes etc. The only things I have trouble with is the obsession objects, things I have one of these annoying ego-driven obsessions with. I know the ego is behind it because they come out of nowhere, and I've never been interested in these things before. The current obsession, I've seen plenty before and never wanted one, never took any notice of them in fact. I remember walking past some in a shop a few years ago and wasn't interested. The ego just chooses objects for it's addiction but what is it that makes me so nervous about it? This is the part I'm really stuck with.

And if it was really my appearance stopping me, because I'm so embarrassed about it then why can I go and buy other things no problem? What do I think will happen if I go to look at the obsession objects? That the people in the shop will kick me out because I'm "ugly"? How stupid, I've never been kicked out of a shop, for my looks or otherwise. And I know that they wouldn't do that. My appearance is meaningless, they just want money. There's probably plenty of other people that go into those shops that are considered unattractive. Nobody cares. It was a stupid self-obsessed teenager thing. Nobody has every cared about my looks since school. And why would they? It means nothing to them, I mean nothing to them, why would they care? What would they do?

I don't know if there's a bit of the "queen of Sheba" rubbish still in there. I don't think so, I think that was more because my mum didn't want to spend money on me. Now I can buy what I want. That first obsession, I couldn't even look at them, I never got far enough to buy one. I didn't feel like she was stopping me, I felt that others were looking at me and that they would think I didn't deserve to buy it (because of my looks).

I know all of this is a loads of rubbish but I still get nervous. I don't understand the nerves, there is absolutely nothing to be nervous about, the obsession objects are just the same as any other object that I can go look at and buy. It's just that there's something egoic behind them. Maybe I don't really want most of these things, but that last side obsession, I did want (and still do because it's something useful, but I'm not obsessed). The first time I went to look at them I felt sick before I got anywhere near that section. They didn't have them so I couldn't buy one, and I've never found any since then, I sometimes go and look in shops I think might have them, and now I don't feel nervous anymore. And this is because it's no longer an obsession.

I wish I could understand that part. And also why I still feel like this when I KNOW there's nothing to it. My appearance is neutral, meaningless and nobody cares. There is nothing to be nervous about, at all. But I still feel sick even thinking about it.

If you think in broad terms of changing your habits, it may be overwhelming, since are dealing with various complex issues that go all the way back to your childhood.

So maybe for now, you can just focus on the next step in this journey.

What would be the very next step you could take?

Well I've been thinking/reading/writing about this a lot yesterday and the day before, and a lot of it made sense. And I was feeling a lot better about it yesterday (and today but other things happened today). I don't feel like I care about my appearance so much, I think it's finally sinking in that my looks don't matter and are neutral and no worse than anyone else's.

I was out most of today and loads of people saw me and I didn't care what they thought of my appearance. Of course I never tried to look at obsession objects but I fell uninterested right now. So I'm just going to keep telling myself that:

• My appearance is neutral, the same as everyone else's.
• If other people take offence, that's their problem, I'm not forcing them to be attracted to me.
• I am worthy of obsession objects just as I am with anything else. They are all the same.
• Nobody is staring at me, they have better things to do.
• I won't be controlled by my ego.

If I ever feel "unworthy" or "shameful" then I just have to remember these things. I've noticed improvement already, so hopefully it can keep going this way.

Maybe complaining about not having the thing you want is a passive way of making your needs known rather than coming out and directly stating it? Maybe this is a way of self protecting out of fear of rejection? I strongly dislike the idea that people "Play the victim" I have found that victimized people are victims and it affects everything they do, so I would never shame or blame them. I believe we are responsible for our own actions and we teach people how to treat us but a predator goes after people and makes them victims- no one chooses that. So no. I do not think you are playing the victim.

Probably, I've decided to stop complaining to others about it. I haven't mentioned it to anyone since I started this thread actually. The thing is, I don't need anyone's help with this and there's nothing they can do. It's something that only I can do.


I really wish this obsession would end and a new one start, or a side obsession start, so I can try going to look at them or even buy it if it's something I can. See if I still get nervous or not. But this current obsession, I can't do that with.

Also another shame thing, is probably how I always look miserable and people keep telling me to cheer up (I made a thread about this a few months ago). But again, like I said before, I don't even think about this when I go into other shops to buy other things. On Thursday I went into some shops and bought some things and I never felt like this. I never do. So I need to keep reminding myself that obsession objects are no different.

You wrote in another thread on the dream forum that you had a dream about this guy you met online, and you are worried that you are obsessing about him.

If you know you are obsessing about him, why do you think you are? Because you know you can't have him because he's not made himself available to you? So that makes him more desirable to you?

Sometimes people obsess about things to distract themselves from psychological pain that they're experiencing with another situation in their life. Maybe obsessing and fantasizing about this online guy you know, is a way for you to distract yourself from having to deal with something that's really bothering you, that you are too scared to process and deal with? So really, obsessing about this online guy is not good for you.

Maybe you create a victim online to get his attention, so that you can manipulate him into caring for you, when really you said it yourself, you are too scared to reach out and ask people for help?

Sarah, can you please elaborate on "we teach people how to treat us," as you use this phrase quite often on PC?

(If you feel this is more appropriate for another thread, please feel free to open a new thread about this.)

Oh, no this is two totally different things. The obsessions mentioned in this thread are objects I become obsessed with and think about a lot. The guy online is just a crush, I wouldn't say I was obsessed with him, though sometimes I feel like I am, I then realise I'm not. And I don't try to get his attention. I know if I whinged and played victim to him, it would make him ignore me anyway.

The attention I try to get is from other people, mostly offline, about these other obsessions. I seem to think they know more about them than me, but I don't think that's true. Also the guy in the dream wasn't the guy I have a crush on, he was older. It's just that something connected him to it. Since I wrote that thread, I've realised that dream had nothing to do with him, I just thought it might have.

@ennie

Quote:

Originally Posted by ennie Sarah, can you please elaborate on "we teach people how to treat us," as you use this phrase quite often on PC? (If you feel this is more appropriate for another thread, please feel free to open a new thread about this.)

I don’t know if it should be a new thread I’ll have to think about that. Let me first say that what I said does not apply to abusers and their victims. A victim is not responsible for the abuse.
I borrow ideas from AA sometimes and I should’ve given better context. What I mean by we teach people how to treat us is about boundaries. Setting them and keeping them. When a person becomes strong enough and supported enough to tell the toxic person or people what they will not stand for it’s a way of making those people manage their expectations. It gives them an action or situation that a person will no longer tolerate or deal with and what the consequences will be if they engage in those behaviors again. They now know what to expect because you clearly told them and they know the consequences because you also told them. Now it’s up to the person to follow through. Setting boundaries is all well and good but if we do not hold people accountable for the things we said we would not tolerate we are “teaching “ them how to treat us. We are demonstrating that we do not mean what we said and they may think we were not really serious when we told them what we wanted and needed. I had zero boundaries with anyone including AA people when I was newly sober and I was told that I could teach people how I wanted to be treated by my actions, I was able to set boundaries that I could keep. I had support in the beginning by having a neutral person stand beside me and the first few times I had to set some guidelines and then follow through I almost hyperventilated. But it got easier with time and practice.

That's great. If you ever feel tempted to complain to your friends again, maybe you can do this:

If you know you are hanging out with them that day, before you leave the house, write out all your complaints on the paper so you get it out of your system and process them before you see them.

I agree with you that writing is a powerful tool.

Thanks Sarah. I'm relieved to hear that, as that was my only concern.

This is what I try to do, but sometimes a subject comes up in conversation. I haven't complained to anyone since I started this thread though, and I've tried to keep away from the subject of my obsession thing. Nobody is interested in them anyway so there's no point in talking about them. If someone else mentions them though, well in future I will try not to say much (if anything) about them).

I think I was trying to get attention from people with it, thinking that they could help me in some way but I don't know how that would be possible. Maybe it was just the go all along, whinging and trying to get attention. That does sound more likely.