I'll probably get banned for this post

I think you are just looking for deeper connections. Share yourself with those you trust. Skip the rest.

First, when you're surrounded by the wrong type of people, you will always feel weird, alone and isolated. I speak from experience. You need people who are intelligent and open minded.

Second, you also try to adapt your experiences to the conclusion you have already drawn, namely that you are worthless. Other people would think: "a colleague wrote a story about killing me and my boss didn't care, these people are bat **** crazy!" Believe me, this says much more about them than about you! This is workplace bullying, no question! What if you'd try out another belief for a week or two. For example: "I am valuable", or, "I am ok".

Third, people might not know how you feel. The people in church might have thought that you were a happy and active church member even though you felt lonely. You can learn how to communicate your feelings and needs to others.

Lastly, if you feel you have not accomplished anything you wanted, you can start by doing things now. What are your hopes and dreams? When would you feel "valuable"? By the way, I believe that every human being is valuable and that certainly includes you!

P.S. I use first, second, etc. to organize my own thoughts. I don't want to sound preachy...!

I know exactly what you mean and feel worthless too, I've been trying to trick my thoughts in a way, when I can remember I try telling myself over and over "i value myself, I'm proud of myself, I'm somebody, I love myself" though I dont really feel that way, I'm hoping one day my brain will pick it up and believe it if I keep thinking it. I have zero friends and zero family, mo romantic relationship and I'm an attractive woman in shape and my co workers treat me bad too, so do not think it has anything to do with how you look or dont look. Also, when people treat me bad I try to treat them good when a situation arrives, in Hope's they will see how crappy they were to me and change their behaviors. I'm sorry you feel the way you do but atleast you are not alone in the feeling.

@tryingtobeconstruct

When I saw your title, "i'll probably get banned for this post," I was immediately curious. LOL - sorry, had to say that. Why? Because I was banned once, a long time ago, when people didn't understand some of my alternate personalities back then, and one of them, whom I couldn't understand at the time, didn't say the nicest things (he was a little, venting, persecutor - later turned protector). --That might not all make sense now, and that's really not the point. But what you asked doesn't seem like you would be banned for it.

What's most concerning is what your co-worker wrote about you, how you seem to lack support on your job, how lonely you feel no matter how hard you try, and your feelings from all the above.

I'm so sorry you went through that.

Church can be a positive place, but it can also be very judgmental. I left church after having been judged (and undergoing some spiritual abuse). You tried, and you should be proud for trying something new. If it didn't feel right, or if things felt less than pleasant and welcoming, you had every right to leave.

You have a right to your feelings. However, the thoughts connected with those feelings should not determine your worth. Yes, you can determine your worth, but sometimes social support helps encourage us to feel worthy. There's a reason why humans are meant to be social, and why loneliness can harm our health.

Sometimes our social skills need some improvement, or sometimes others are toxic and discriminate, unfairly judge, ostracize, say mean things, etc. Sometimes everyone needs improvement on social skills. But that doesn't mean anyone is worthless.

Worthless is a term connected to finances or objects, not people.

Perhaps the question could be re-framed to one or more of these:

1. Why was I feeling lonely?
2. Why would my co-workers treat me so badly?
3. What areas could I improve on?
4. What areas could my co-workers improve on?
5. What is my boss overlooking, and why?
6. What about church made me feel unwelcome, uncomfortable, lonely, etc.?
7. Why do I feel this way?
8. Where did the word "worthless" come from? Did it come from my parent? If so, my parent wasn't nice; my parent was abusive; my parent was wrong.
9. Why is it hard for me to get past these feelings of loneliness, worthlessness, etc.?
10. What would make me happy in any of the situations?
11. Should I look for another job?
12. Should I look for activities that I like and maybe meet others who like the same activities (such as hiking, book clubs, meet-in or meet-up groups that offer cheap eats, etc.)?
13. Am I afraid to socialize? Do I show my fear when I do socialize? If so, how can I be true to my feelings while, at the same time, engage with others to show them that I'm interested in connecting?
14. Are others stigmatizing me for how I look, what my skin color is, what my clothing style is, what my physical disabilities are, etc.? Am I experiencing microaggressions based on my appearances, not my personality?
15. Are others not expressing an interest in me? Could it also be that they are shy and waiting for me to express an interest in them? If I do approach, could it be that they are having issues of their own and are afraid of meeting people, so it's not me at all?
16. Could it be that I'm just in the wrong group, and that a different group of people could make all the difference?
17. What has my therapist said, suggested, considered?
18. How long have I felt lonely like this?
19. Was there ever a time I wasn't lonely? If so, describe that situation and then compare it to the seasons for which you do feel lonely.
20. What would I like to see in friendships? ...in co-worker relationships? ...in acquaintances? ...in significant others?
21. What can I do to persevere, despite the fears, the pain, the brokenness?
22. What strengths do I have to offer? (Yes, you have strengths to offer!)
23. What strengths am I looking for in others?
24. When was the last time you were paid a complement in real life?

...And then there's affirmations you can state to help counteract the negative feelings and thoughts that go with those feelings...

1. You are worthy!
2. You are lovable!
3. You have a lot of things to offer, but you have a lot of things you'd like to receive as well!
4. You are deserving of friends, relationships, close relationships, a job, a good working environment, safety, happiness, and more!
5. You have put in the effort!
6. You have strength to keep trying!
7. You will make friends; it may take time to cultivate, but you will do it.
8. You have a right to your feelings.
9. You are good enough right where you are!

... and you can add more good comforting stuff to that list!

I know it gets lonely doing this by yourself. But we're here online to help you, and hopefully you'll have a friend or family member who can affirm all these things that they see in you, too! Maybe share with someone else by doing that activity together, and then affirm each other. That helps both people to be on the same page - you and the other.

You have a right to feel and ask what you did. It's a good question because there are times in life when we all feel that way - some more than others. The point is not to stay stuck there. I don't know you, and I'm new, but I know that your reaching out on here takes strength - even if you feared being banned, you still reached out - and that is courageous! You can do it!

And even in the company of others, there are times I still feel lonely or lacking in some true bonding relationship. But that's okay. I do what I can to maintain the friendships I have, even the long-distance ones I've known for decades and was once close to. Eventually, the more distal friends you make, the more chances you are at finding a few friends - or even just one out of the bunch - who is going to be close to you in heart, in activities, in giving and receiving, etc.

You are more than your feelings and thoughts; you deserve to feel cared for, loved, understood, etc.

Lillib