Letting go of the past

One of the things I am struggling with is letting go of the past. Remembering how I was treated (ignored, disrespected, criticized, punished .... etc), and how I failed to have an average life, determines my current state of mind, which is depression and discouragement and self-pity. I have to let go, to start building my life, which is a wreck right now with no job, no friends, and no relationship, and live far away from family (as if they care!!), and no one is going to fix it for me. I have to start over, but I am still clueless how, and where to find the energy and courage to start! I still quit every time I start doing something. Every aspect of my life is depressing (no money, and no social support to the point I only talk to myself not to go crazy). From the moment I wake up, I start thinking what failure in life I am!! It's perpetuating itself. Self-fulfilling prophecy, but I struggle to let go.

I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time. Here's a link to DocJohn's article, from PC's archives, on the subject of how to let go of past hurts:

Learning to Let Go of Past Hurts: 5 Ways to Move On

According to the article below, simple things like diet, exercise, and sunlight helps:

6 Steps for Beating Depression

I'm sorry to hear of people who mistreated you. They have no excuse for disrespecting you. But please know that how they treated you was their problem, and is not reflective of your value as a person.

I have zero appetite to eat these days, let alone eat healthy or cook something delicious to enjoy it. I do exercise, though. Going for a bike's ride is the only thing that prevents me from going insane because it's the only time I almost forget about my life, or I do it to forget and pass the time without thinking about my life. But the moment I enter my empty and quiet apartment, everything starts to grow back in my thoughts and mind!!

I'm sorry for everything you've been through Nxious. I know what it's like to hold onto things from the past and not be able to let go. It's not easy, especially when all of these things have had such an impact on your life. But it's never too late to begin changing your life for the better!

I just went to buy some groceries, and all the road I was thinking about my life and where I am in life and how people I know just abandoned me, while they are thriving in their lives. I didn't know how I reached my destination, and at some point I realized I was self-talking and mumbling with a low voice!!

You are young and have your whole life ahead of you, Nxious. Don't let this temporary phase of loneliness and unemployment derail you from the path you're meant to be on.

I hate living alone -- it seems to amplify my anxiety disorder something fierce. I have panic attacks when I'm alone in my apartment. Right now, I'm temporarily living with a roommate and my anxiety level has been low.

Since you are unemployed etc.,. why not look for a good roommate situation to move into with a couple of other college-age, early 20-something guys? You would have instant camaraderie, company, and some social interaction that would definitely alleviate your anxiety that you feel when you go back to your empty apartment. Something to consider anyway.

Also, here's a suggestion: go teach English abroad for a year. Pick a country, find a program, apply , and then go enjoy the adventure of teaching your native language abroad. I did that after college and had an adventurous year I'll never forget. All you need is a college degree. There are a TON of those teach abroad opportunities online. You just need to do the research to find the right one. Travel always helps.

And, you can choose a program that pays for your room and board (most will anyway), so all you'd need to come up with, is the airfare to fly to whatever country the teach abroad program is located. I worked a crappy hotel job for 3 months to get the airfare for myself and was paid in Yuan every week (very bad exchange rate, but I had a 2 bedroom furnished apartment rent-free for one year) and free food on campus and enough money to spend at the food markets and movie theater and mall in town for a year. Seriously, consider it, ok? You're not working so it is the perfect opportunity.

Finally, you can go on YHA's website and apply to work at a hostel abroad. You can even do that here. I know several people who did that b/c they wanted to move to San Francisco so they applied to the YHA hostels in San Francisco, got hired, and stayed in their hostel where they worked, until they found apartments. It is totally doable, fyi. Again, you only need to get airfare once you get the job.

If neither of those opportunities appeal to you, then I suggest finding social groups via Meetups, or creating your own Meetup, based on your anti-natalism philosophy or an off-chute of that, or something fun you like to do for free.

When I need social interaction, I force myself to attend meetups. I joined a karaoke meetup and went to the inaugural one last week and was so nervous, that I couldn't remember the melody of the song I chose, so I did a weird, comedy-spoken-word performance versus singing the song. People laughed and it broke the tension. I made a total idiot of myself, but I had fun.

Finally, studies have been done to show that people who talk to themselves are EXTREMELY intelligent. I talk to myself outloud all the time and I'm no dummy.

You are in a slump right now, feeling rudderless in life. I've been there so I know what you are feeling. It sucks. But you can find your way out of that haze. Just have to take a few steps in different directions until you see the light again. Darkness is only good for sci-fi characters like Gollum in LOTR, not real intelligent people.

Thanks for your post and suggestions.

Why do you think I am young and I would get along with people in their early 20s? I am in my late 30s I guess I am not old, but I am definitely not young.

Social isolation and fear are at the core of my issues. A few years ago I was working and paid well, but still felt empty and depressed, because every night I was coming to an empty apartment, and with no friends to go out with, although I was calling and suggesting to people I knew to go out, but no one was interested. Now being unemployed makes things multiple times worse.

I need to do this. I need hope. I need to believe to take the first steps of change. But first I need to accept that the past is the past, and I cannot change it, before I can move forward. Others may have taken their chances earlier than me, which is hard to know, but if I stay like this I will never get my chance.

Ooooh I assumed b/c you mentioned college. Doh! My mistake! Welcome to your late 30s!

No one is on the same journey, this I know. So, to compare yourself to others constantly is futile. Like the Borg storyline in Star Trek. I mean, they were a good idea but geez, they are one-dimensional already. Don't be like Mikey. He hates everything. And if you didn't catch that pop culture reference, oh well there's work to do!

Seriously, you can still do those things I suggested if you need to get out of your slump. You can literally teach English abroad at any age. And, who knows what doors that could open for you if international travel's something you think you'd like to do. Teaching English is a great way to do it.

Social isolation does no one any good. So, you definitely need to find a way to alter that part of your life. Even if it means joining Meetup or doing something semi-social where you interact with people. Take it from an anti-social person like myself. I force myself to socialize all the time, b/c its not something I enjoy doing but I know I have to do it or I'll go crazy. And no one wants to go crazy.

I still think you should consider the roommate scenario. Have you ever lived with roommates before? Do you think you could see yourself do that? Maybe rent someone's basement, or something like that? It also provides you with a sense of security too, living with a roommate.

I'm nearly 50 living with a roommate temporarily due to my circumstances, and it's not too bad. She's a few years older than me but we give each other space and are very friendly and respectful of each other. It's only temporary for me, but it's nice to have someone to talk to. If I could find another good roommate situation for myself, I think I'll be better off than going back to living alone again.

Try those freelance websites I mentioned. You never know what those could lead to for you, work-wise. Small steps towards the light.

I really feel angry and bitter, and I cannot let go and forgive. I cannot forget how I was treated and abused by my father.

Nxious, when I lived abroad in China, a Buddhist monk once advised me, "you cannot change your past. You can only change your attitude." I'm not one for forgiveness myself as I think it's a total cop out to relinquish my power to the other person who wronged me, that allows the person NOT to be held accountable for their actions. But, I do believe what that Buddhist monk said is true. We can't change our past, no matter what we do. All we can do is develop coping skills in the present to help us process our past in a way that allows us to let go (not forgive!) and move forward. Easier said than done, obviously.

You are an intelligent person. Use whatever tools work best for you -- writing here, venting to someone in person or here, physical exercise, listening to music, watching tv, whatever -- to help you change your attitude (again, not forgive, but change the way you feel about yourself). Does that make sense?

That's what I am trying to do. The problem is, he is in my life, and I am always triggered and think that at any moment he will mistreat me and verbally abuse me again. I don't know how to deal with him. I confronted him a couple of times and made a scene, but he didn't/hasn't changed towards me. If I take his abuse I feel depressed. I feel guilty when I think I need to drop him altogether from my life because he has helped me financially when I needed help. But eventually, all of this unemployment and social isolation situation I am in are traced back to my childhood.

I have never had friends or romantic relationships. I wasn't allowed to play. I wasn't allowed to go out. When I spoke spontaneously I was criticized. All I was allowed to do is to study ... study ... study. He would sit down with me to make me study and his belt on the table, and God forbid if I answered wrongly or even yawned. He didn't spare it on me until I was 16 or 17 years old. He once yelled at me in the Church in front of all the people on Easter, and I was 28 or 29 at the time!! I remember all his abuse since I was as little as 5 or 6 years old. He doesn't respect me at all. "You don't know what's good for you" he keeps telling me. Every time I think about my current situation or when I fail, my thoughts go back to the past. I cannot help it.

These days these thoughts are very dominant because of the lack of distractions, and the lack of anything going on in my life. I ride my bike sometimes, but even when I am riding I will be thinking about the past and my current situation. I sometimes "dissociate" while riding the bike, and become unaware of what is going on around me. Obviously it's dangerous. I am trying. But it's not easy.

Now because I am a failure, he thinks it's because of me, and me only. I am sure if I at any point I find a job and be happy, he will say it is because of him, and because of his abuse that made me happy now, even if it was painful at the time!! He told me this: "you will thank me later" for his abuse!! If he would admit he was wrong and he actually mistreated me out of ignorance, many things would change. But he thinks he was/is right all the way. He has never apologized for for any of his abuse. He would physically hit me and make me cry, and then ask me to apologize for him because I upset him!!