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Old 07-11-2019, 09:13 PM   #11
shakespeare47
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Default Re: Looking for Solutions. I feel like a terrible person (sometimes).

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I've heard mindfulness can help people stop ruminating and living in the past. Have you ever tried any mindfulness exercises? There is a lot of information out there on it.
I have tried it- pretty consistently for a month or 2 a couple of years ago. It wasn't like an, "oh my gosh I'm cured!" moment. But it was okay. I might try it again. I was especially drawn to the "loving kindness" meditations. I had hoped that they would help me change my attitude towards other people.


The mindfulness meditations didn't make things worse (but sometimes they caused some pain, because they reminded me of how my mental life is, and how it could be...), and I like the message.



This is a good one: YouTube
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Old 07-12-2019, 03:05 AM   #12
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Default Re: Looking for Solutions. I feel like a terrible person (sometimes).

I have found that some self hypnosis stuff onyoutube has genuinely helped me with my self esteem.
Along with positive affirmations and getting some easy wins (losing a bit of weight or something).
I also find some asmr stuff very helpful for my mental state - just being to,d I'm ok in a soothing voice is very nice.
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Old 07-13-2019, 03:01 PM   #13
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Default Re: Looking for Solutions. I feel like a terrible person (sometimes).

Oh OK. Well if what they are saying is working then that is good. I was just thinking of my experience where people have tried to "cheer me up" and when I am not instantly "fixed" they get frustrated. It's exhausting having to pretend to be happy for other people.
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Old 07-18-2019, 11:16 AM   #14
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Default Re: Looking for Solutions. I feel like a terrible person (sometimes).

I was thinking about it, and I find the only thing that helps me is what I can only describe as the opposite of mindfulness. I pretty much fill my brain with stressless chatter from podcasts. I just don't let my brain decide what i am going to think about and that way it can't take me places that are not helpful. It's clearly not a cure for anything, more like taking an aspirin for a headache, but it is a bit of relief in the moment. I like to listen to light, funny podcasts.
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Old 07-18-2019, 12:17 PM   #15
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Default Re: Looking for Solutions. I feel like a terrible person (sometimes).

I don't have a lot of advice to give to you, @shakespeare47, unfortunately! Just remember that you're human and that humans makes mistakes. Focus on your future. Things can still improve. You can't change your past but you CAN change your future. That's important to remember in my opinion. Other than that I don't have much to offer you I'm here if you need support though. Feel free to PM me anytime, ok? I'll be here for you. Please try to be kind to yourself. Remember that everyone has good qualities with no exceptions. If you can only think about your flaws, then just remember that your flaws are an EXTENSION of your qualities. For every flaw you think of yourself there's also a quality. I hope that helps a little bit! Please hang in there and be kind to yoruself! Sending many safe, warm hugs to you, shaekspeare47, and to ALL the people you Love and who TRULY Love you and Accept you for who you TRULY are! PLEASE NEVER GIVE UP HOPE AND KEEP FIGHTING AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN!
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Old 07-18-2019, 12:56 PM   #16
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Default Re: Looking for Solutions. I feel like a terrible person (sometimes).

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There are days that I feel like a terrible excuse for a human being. I ruminate on the mean things I have said and done... the dumb mistakes I have made... the times I've expressed biased and/or prejudicial thoughts- or just had them.
Stop it.

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Do you struggle with similar thoughts? What solutions have you found? Or if you haven't had similar thoughts, what advice would you give me?
I have no such struggles. I see mistakes as learning opportunities. Supposing I made a mistake, I would think to myself, "Why have I made this mistake? What have I done wrong? How can I make the correct choices in the future?" If I'm unable to come up with a solution on my own, I'll ask someone who's better than me for advice on whatever I need help with. Don't look into the past unless it's to help you understand the present and to improve for the future.

If you catch yourself pitying yourself, simply remember that pity never solved the problem. We ought to concern ourselves with the truth, not with protecting our own ego.

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I'm having a hard time coming up with people who didn't also express some biases. I wish there were good examples.
Marcus Aurelius. Actually, his journal, Meditations, has a lot of insights on the matter.

It's a Stoic habit to keep a daily journal wherein you record and reflect on your actions. The idea is not to dwell on the past, but to better understand how you can improve, and also to see how much you've improved over time.
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Old 07-19-2019, 08:22 AM   #17
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Default Re: Looking for Solutions. I feel like a terrible person (sometimes).

@shakespeare47
I didnt mean to be weird. Because of your name I quoted Hamlet.
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Old 07-19-2019, 10:05 AM   #18
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Default Re: Looking for Solutions. I feel like a terrible person (sometimes).

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@shakespeare47
I didnt mean to be weird. Because of your name I quoted Hamlet.
Not at all. I don't actually know all that much about Shakespeare. When I first registered at this site, I realized that my usual username was unavailable, so I just chose another one at random. But I did read your quote. I like it.
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Old Today, 01:33 AM   #19
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Default Re: Looking for Solutions. I feel like a terrible person (sometimes).

I was especially dull in elementary school. While I didn't struggle much in academics, I was not in tune with common sense and social etiquette. I was thoughtlessly rude, and I suppose kids have less of a filter, but my not-so-good moments were utterly cringe-worthy at best. I had a long-time friend in elementary school, and just for a moment I considered it dull. So as were walking I said out of the blue: "We're not friends anymore." Something like that. She didn't do anything wrong, but it was a time when I was ignorant of the value and rarity of best friends. I don't recall the details but she ran away crying. Little kid me didn't feel bad. And then of course she found better friends and together they exacted a revenge served very cold. I look back at it and appreciate it a little, despite my rather public breakdown in the classroom. I digress.

I was, of course, unlikable. Zero friends in the next elementary school that I transferred to, after breaking into the metaphorical door and throwing out the key. I had two friends, one I pissed off by reading the situation wrong and saying it was stupid of her older sister to style her hair in a way that she seemed not to agree with. In hindsight it was more of an endeared dislike than anything else. Then I pissed her off even more after oh-so-aptly realizing she digged me back and saying: "You're just saying that because I called x stupid." Oh and then there was the time when I eavesdropped on their deep conversation about their crush/es. They realized I was there and the very same girl I insulted gave me the silent treatment. The second friend, who I'll call J, was much more forgiving in that department. I had the gall to try to mediate their argument during recess, months after our friendship was dead and gone. And yet she invited me to her Halloween party or something like that, which my mom was too busy to allow. I declined, and that was the end of any interactions whatsoever from what I can recall. Even when I was being a decent-ish person I did not make a good friend. For some reason my newly procured - and quickly lost - friend T and I were carrying spare pants as we walked down the hall. In complete belief in my words, I told her how embarrassing it was to do so in front of others and lets hurry. So she became embarrassed too. I didn't engender confidence whatsoever.

And then there was S. By that time even I fully acknowledged that no one tried making friends with me, nor were they receptive. Even the ex-friend H, who I lived in the same neighborhood with. Yeah that's another story altogether. Anyway, she approached me and we were friends for some time, but my sense of humor was absolute . . . poop. The unbelievably smelly kind. I told her - it physically hurts me to think about and say this - but I told her things like: "Wouldn't it be funny if you fell off a building?" No, my shtick was not dark humor. But it was my new way of fortifying the bridge of friendship, so to speak. In time it burned. Hard.

Oh and I also had friends E and M in my first elementary school - we were longtime friends, I think, but while we were playing tag some boy was running down the hill and kid me thought it would be a marvelous idea to stick my arm out horizontally to intercept his stomach. Of course it didn't go well. And then like a little . . . minx, I blamed it on poor M. I really tried, too. Of course the truth prevailed and I was unceremoniously kicked from the group. Then a few weeks later, they asked, "Do you want to be friends again?" I said no. To this day I don't understand why. It's absolutely baffling. I had no friends and I wondered why.

Anddd another thing to cringe over were my other friends, between the girl that I ended the friendship with and her excellent revenge, L and Y. I liked L simply because she was more pretty IMO than Y, and so I recalled giving her something that I promised to give Y. And she was not as attached as I thought either, considering that she said she's moving and bam she was gone. Y was the closer friend that I disregarded several times. It culminated in an even more emotional separation than that of the little avenger. We were walking the track on a field day and someone gropes my butt. Past my pants and underwear. I freeze for some time and I thoroughly regret not catching that hand and finding the culprit. I walked again and it receded. I looked behind me. Only a gaggle of blonde-haired popular girls - certainly not the type to grope me, I thought. Then I looked to Y. The more I thought about it the more I condemned her. I never asked her if she did it - or maybe I did, and she definitely denied. Regardless, I separated myself from her over the next few days. I emulated TT, the main avenger of the Revenge Served Cold, by hiding from Y during recess instead of womaning up and having an honest conversation.

My only saving grace that slightly resisted my subsequent cringe sessions was that I never told anyone else of my suspicions. I let people believe I was a terrible person as Y received emotional solace and sympathy. But there was also B, to whom I thought would be a good idea to ram into a park bench with a wagon. Needless to say, it was the final straw. He hated me after that. And then there was his older sister, who I for a time tickled on a regular basis in the bus. At one point she just started dreading it. Ugh. I'll call her C. Her family didn't like me either, to put it nicely, near the end of our stay in the state.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So cringe sessions. It didn't matter if it was a school night, I laid awake and cringed over my most prominent mistakes, and the sheer number of bridges I burned. And with the highly inappropriate way I intentionally forwent some sort of bra under my shirt for H's dad to see. And how there were times when my words were poison to my mom. Did I also mention I was lacking in table manners? This was all in elementary school. I was better in middle school but then I was griping my "friends" about the nutrition of their food. Ugh! Anyway . . . I spent countless hours reliving these moments, big and small, and wondering what the hell I was thinking, and hoping they would just forget about me so their childhood memories wouldn't be tarnished with my unpleasant presence. I struggled from middle school to half of high school with the cringes and slight, but mostly insignificant self-loathing. In those sessions I thought "I'm sorry", again and again even though I knew they'd never hear me. I cried too sometimes. There are numerous other instances of this kind of behavior, as well as actions so shameful I'm completely unwilling to post it on here. I vowed to improve myself, and I did. It gives me some peace of mind, to believe that although I've committed so many heinous errors I'm a much better and decent person now.



TL;DR
I made a lot of mistakes. I've agonized over them. And since I've improved myself they don't cling to me as much. But most of all, I accepted them. I accepted that I hurt people, practically tarnished their memories, and led a despicably cringy life and I let it go. I also forgave myself. I realized I metaphorically beat myself up enough and that I've thoroughly reflected for years. I didn't ruin their lives, and I'm a nice-ish and decent person in the present. I can't change the past, but I can help people in the present and future.


And through this long-winded reply I hope you'll find something that'll help you.
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