Feeling guilty

I woke up today remembering a trip I took with my father and 5 other people, where I wasn't so nice to him through out the trip. A feeling of guilt took over me. Another reason to feel more depressed than I currently am, and I couldn't do anything since I woke up. My father is someone towards whom I have mixed feelings. On the one hand, I feel indignant and angry at him because he was so disrespectful (he still is) and abusive to me emotionally (yelling at me and criticizing me all the time) and physically (he was hitting me). On the other hand, he helped me through my studies, and didn't ask me to work. Which in retrospect, I think it wasn't good for either of us, because when he supported me more than most parents do to their children, I guess he expected a return, and I must be the person he want me to be. He controlled my life to a large degree. What to say. What to dress. How to look. With whom to talk. Where to go. Where not to go ... etc. I am in my late 30s, and the last time I visited them, he berated me several times in front of my younger siblings!! I think much of my social fear, and fear to take actions in general go back to how he treated me. I was afraid to do or say anything to avoid his criticism and punishment. Dealing with him has been difficult. If I stand up to him I feel guilty, if I don't I feel disrespected and devalued from the people who are supposed to be supporting and loving. Either way makes me feel depressed. I don't know if I am dwelling too much on this, but any glimpse of the past is enough to put me in bed all day doing nothing.

the past can be difficult, especially when it comes to abusive behaviour

I try not too, but I think about how my mother wrecked my life all the time

hard to just... not think about it. it becomes part of you even though you wish it wouldn't

Past abuse and past failed experiences shape our lives to a large extent. We are a product of our past. It's very difficult to just forget and forgive and start over, especially when nothing is working in your life, and everything points to the fact you are a worthless failure who doesn't deserve to be helped, acknowledged, or even live in others' eyes. When you are nothing to every one in life, even to your family. When you have no meaning or purpose. When you are not productive and independent financially and emotionally. These are all connected and feed each others in a vicious cycle.