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Default Jul 21, 2019 at 11:22 AM
  #41
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Why does people being hostile to me bother me? Dunno. I want to be believed, treated well and respected. I don't want people to say nasty things to me. Same as I don't want people to punch me, I guess. But I don't see this as connected to loneliness??
All right, fine. Here's my guide to alleviating boredom.

You said that people treat you with hostility, and you would like them not to do that. If you wish to be treated well and with respect, then fashion yourself an outward "persona" which is highly respectable. Become that persona whenever you engage in activities with other people. Once you get to the intermediate level, you can begin to craft different personas specific to a particular occasion.

Remember: You're only there to have fun in a social setting, not bond with anyone. If the "mask" fails and people are still being hostile toward you, don't worry about it. Just adjust the mask and try again.

Once you get bored of that, and you will, you may begin to desire hostile engagements, like I have. Well, I've always enjoyed hostile engagements. This is advanced stuff, and the objective is not to blend with the crowd, but to control it. A fun hobby of mine is to sneak into a community that would normally find my ideas objectionable (e.g. the Men's Rights Activists and extended "manosphere"), and then see how many of them I can convince over to the women's side before they kick me out. The shrinks call this "pro-social psychopathy." Using my evil for good.

Remember: There is nothing more powerful than an idea.
 

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Default Jul 21, 2019 at 04:39 PM
  #42
But I don't think I should have to wear a mask, I think people should have to engage with me as I am. Masks are work and make me feel irritated. Why should I change to accommodate them rather than the other way around?

Or, why not just ignore people who treat me meanly for being myself, and find people who don't?

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Default Jul 21, 2019 at 05:02 PM
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But I don't think I should have to wear a mask, I think people should have to engage with me as I am. Masks are work and make me feel irritated. Why should I change to accommodate them rather than the other way around?

Or, why not just ignore people who treat me meanly for being myself, and find people who don't?
This is exactly what I do. I ignore people who reject, shun, and judge me when I present my real self to them. I mean, there's no benefit for me to attach myself to friends or romantic relationships with people who want me to change for THEM. I'm not changing for anyone. And neither should you.

Do not waste another second accommodating other people. Either they accept you and like you for who you are, or they won't. Stick with the people who like you and accept you and dump the people who expect you to accommodate them by changing who you are.
 
 
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Default Jul 21, 2019 at 05:12 PM
  #44
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I think people should have to engage with me as I am.
Must they engage with you? Nooooo.

No one "has to" engage with you or anyone else. Likewise, you don't "have to" engage with anyone else. The trade-off to exposing your "true self" is that you might get rejected. It's a trade-off we all have to contend with. Hell, even the masks don't completely protect you from this risk.

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Or, why not just ignore people who treat me meanly for being myself, and find people who don't?
Then do so. What's the problem?
 
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Default Jul 22, 2019 at 03:33 AM
  #45
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Sure, you can feel lonely for a number of different reasons. Broadly speaking, loneliness is a negative emotional response to isolation (note: "a" negative emotional response, not "the only" response).
Thing is, you know this from theory. That doesn't make you right. Sometimes different emotions are just separated by that they feel different. And theory doesn't stretch that far.

That said, antisocials are usually fun to communicate with since they usually ask totally different questions from everyone else. And they have the bluntness us aspies have naturally but are forced to use up lot of energy to polish away.

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Default Jul 22, 2019 at 04:53 AM
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Must they engage with you? Nooooo.

No one "has to" engage with you or anyone else. Likewise, you don't "have to" engage with anyone else. The trade-off to exposing your "true self" is that you might get rejected. It's a trade-off we all have to contend with. Hell, even the masks don't completely protect you from this risk.


Then do so. What's the problem?
The problem was, as far as this thread was concerned, simply that I don't understand what loneliness is. And I still don't, lol. I can't see any consistent or satisfactory definition here. Again, I just can't see what separates loneliness from boredom.

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Default Jul 22, 2019 at 07:00 AM
  #47
Loneliness is not being able to be “alone” with yourself. Physically and/or psychologically. Plain and simple.

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Default Jul 22, 2019 at 11:13 AM
  #48
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The problem was, as far as this thread was concerned, simply that I don't understand what loneliness is. And I still don't, lol. I can't see any consistent or satisfactory definition here. Again, I just can't see what separates loneliness from boredom.
You've been given numerous different cogent responses, including those which are academic in nature and those which draw from personal experience. If you're still failing to understand it and curious as to whether or not you feel it, perhaps it's time to consult a professional. That being a therapist, of course.

As for us. I remain unconvinced, but you don't seem to want to discuss it in-depth. So... whatever. You do you, mate.
 
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Default Jul 22, 2019 at 12:03 PM
  #49
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You've been given numerous different cogent responses, including those which are academic in nature and those which draw from personal experience. If you're still failing to understand it and curious as to whether or not you feel it, perhaps it's time to consult a professional. That being a therapist, of course.

As for us. I remain unconvinced, but you don't seem to want to discuss it in-depth. So... whatever. You do you, mate.
I don't see what you see regarding the responses ... My biggest confusion still being exactly what differentiates boredom from loneliness.

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Default Jul 22, 2019 at 12:06 PM
  #50
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Thing is, you know this from theory. That doesn't make you right. Sometimes different emotions are just separated by that they feel different. And theory doesn't stretch that far.

That said, antisocials are usually fun to communicate with since they usually ask totally different questions from everyone else. And they have the bluntness us aspies have naturally but are forced to use up lot of energy to polish away.
You got me.

Others have given their two cents on it as well, however. I think we've covered all the angles regarding this issue. Well, all the socially acceptable angles, anyway.
 
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Default Jul 22, 2019 at 01:00 PM
  #51
Let me try a different approach - if I try to describe what I feel, others can try to correctly label the emotion for me.

I enjoy, at least at times, talking to people about topics that interest me. When talking I want people to enjoy my company, and I want to enjoy theirs. I want us to be pleasant and polite towards each other and give each other lots of praise and compliments and make each other laugh. Then I want us to both go home and not think about each other and get on with our own lives until we decide to meet up again. If I need practical assistance I want people to do things for me, and in order to make this fair, even though I don't want to, I'll do things for them.

Is this loneliness or boredom?

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Default Jul 23, 2019 at 04:44 PM
  #52
I think the majority of people have a strong urge to connect. Many like a little own time, just not too much, because then they start feeling disconnected. And this happens even in people who don't have autophobia but can be happy alone.

The disconnect hurts, no matter what causes it. It can be distance. You are far away from people you feel connected to, but you can't communicate with them. Or you can be with people, but you feel something is missing, like they are bonding and you fail to feel the bond, either because they exclude you (maybe not even on purpose), or they try to include you but you fail to bond for some reason, maybe it is your nature or the situation and mood is wrong for you. It might happen if the group is happy and you are sad. Then you lose the connection because you're not on the same wavelength.

It took me ages to understand loneliness, it's just this last year I'm getting a real idea of what it is. Because I am used to the state of disconnect. It is my natural, so of course it doesn't cause me pain. I can connect, but it takes a long time before I establish a bond. Still, I like company but I need time not being connected, being alone.

The thing that finally cued me into what loneliness was was its cousin missing. I lost a few friends, they died actually, and them never ever coming back caused me not just to mourn but to miss. I missed them dearly in my life.

Loneliness is usually not over one particular person. Missing is. But I managed to transfer one emotion into the other. I'm still more into being alone because I wish to meet certain people than I am alone in general. But it is still something.

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Default Jul 28, 2019 at 04:30 PM
  #53
Loneliness is knowing that people will never connect with you out of their own free will and will always strive to weaken, cripple, and even kill you - because the cruelty is the point.

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Default Jul 28, 2019 at 06:58 PM
  #54
Interesting thread, for sure. I've also been wondering about loneliness lately.

To me, boredom is something entirely different than anything else. In general, boredom is it's own entity.

In my mind the three ways of being alone are loneliness, isolation, and solitude.

Loneliness feels sad. It's the feeling of wanting to do something with someone else, or go somewhere and have a nice time, or even wish you had someone to do routine stuff with you, or to be there with you through something frightening or painful. But there's no one there. No one to do anything with. You're alone because there's no other option. Maybe you haven't asked - or maybe you were turned down.

Loneliness feels like a heaviness in my chest, heart, shoulders.

Isolation is more about choice than loneliness is. For me, I'm isolating when I'm invited to do something with a friend or family member, or there's a class I could take, or a group I could go to, but I'm just not feeling it. I feel like I want to be left alone, not bothered, it's just too hard to put myself in the position of going anywhere, doing something away from home, being with people.

If I'm in a really bad place mentally I isolate because I'm afraid of leaving my home. Afraid it will catch fire or someone will break in, or one of my cats will get hurt or sick while I'm away. The anxiety is just too much to bear. Isolation makes me want to roll up in bed and cry...and just be asleep so I don't have to face life.

Solitude, though - solitude is a positive thing. It's a feeling of being friends with myself, maybe doing something creative, being in nature by myself, reading a book I'm enjoying. Solitude is productive and healthy.

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Default Jul 29, 2019 at 03:51 PM
  #55
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Loneliness feels sad. It's the feeling of wanting to do something with someone else, or go somewhere and have a nice time
How is this different to boredom?

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Default Jul 29, 2019 at 10:38 PM
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How is this different to boredom?
Why are you comparing boredom and loneliness? It’s kind of like apples and oranges.

Boredom isn’t sad. Being bored is sitting at a staff meeting having to listen to some irrelevant presentation and not being allowed to leave. It’s not sad, just annoying.

Loneliness is a sad feeling. Example of loneliness is losing one’s spouse and being in empty house longing for his presence (I’ve never lost a spouse but my daughter is a widow and I remember first year after my son in law she used to say she felt loneliness, snd certainly wasn’t bored or isolated, she is a social butterfly)
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Default Jul 30, 2019 at 03:07 AM
  #57
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Why are you comparing boredom and loneliness? It’s kind of like apples and oranges.

Boredom isn’t sad. Being bored is sitting at a staff meeting having to listen to some irrelevant presentation and not being allowed to leave. It’s not sad, just annoying.

Loneliness is a sad feeling. Example of loneliness is losing one’s spouse and being in empty house longing for his presence (I’ve never lost a spouse but my daughter is a widow and I remember first year after my son in law she used to say she felt loneliness, snd certainly wasn’t bored or isolated, she is a social butterfly)
I'm comparing them because I can't see the difference either in myself or in how most people describe the feelings.

For example, I get bored a lot. It makes me sad and irritated. I want to talk with nice people about interesting things, share jokes and compliments, play games. I find engaging with people like that for a bit fun. Many would tell me wanting to be with people socially like that is loneliness, but if so it seems that loneliness is just another word for 'boredom that can be alleviated with people', and nothing more.

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Default Jul 30, 2019 at 07:34 AM
  #58
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I'm comparing them because I can't see the difference either in myself or in how most people describe the feelings.

For example, I get bored a lot. It makes me sad and irritated. I want to talk with nice people about interesting things, share jokes and compliments, play games. I find engaging with people like that for a bit fun. Many would tell me wanting to be with people socially like that is loneliness, but if so it seems that loneliness is just another word for 'boredom that can be alleviated with people', and nothing more.
I don’t see how these two things are related.

I am almost never bored but if I am, it’s irritating but in no way sad. Being bored for me is having nothing interesting and productive at the moment and not being able to fix it such as sitting in a staff meeting and not able to leave. Boredom is easy to fix as soon as you are free to do so.

Loneliness isn’t as easy to fix. Loneliness is missing people, particular people or in general longing for people and it could be sad.

My mother passed away in February. My dad is very lonely as they’ve been married 54 years. Nothing elevates his loneliness at the moment and it’s nothing to do with isolation as he isn’t isolated plus he certainly isn’t bored.

On the other note if you are longing for peoples company why don’t you have friends or seek peoples company? At some point you even mentioned not liking people? Someone who craves company surely would enjoy other people?
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Default Jul 30, 2019 at 03:02 PM
  #59
I don't have friends because of a number of unfortunate life circumstances combined with my bad personality. Mostly, I live in a very isolated rural location and work 12+ hours a day, lol.

I try and seek company, but it's very hard ... And I put many people off being so weird, and most people bore me by being annoying anyway.

I don't like people, but I like the fun of interaction. People entertain me.

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Default Jul 30, 2019 at 06:26 PM
  #60
I still think you are suffering from something that medical professional could help with, so far everything you describe at the very least are symptoms of depression.

In the long run it doesn’t matter what’s definition of boredom and how it’s differing from loneliness. What matters is that you are unhappy and are suffering. You are trying to justify your pain by claiming that everyone else is also bored lonely unsatisfied unfulfilled and hate their bodies. It’s not the case. But even if it was, what does it matter?

You don’t want to seek help but want anonymous strangers on the Internet define things for you. How does it help? How could our definitions help you to feel better? Is it just venting or you want help? I am not sure how many more definitions could we provide?

Living in the rural area and working a lot or not being a billionaire in no way explains your suffering.

Last edited by divine1966; Jul 30, 2019 at 06:46 PM..
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