Numbness

I've already talked about this before, the fact that I felt less emotions than I should and with less frequency. Now it's worse, and I'm an 80% of the day feeling numb, as if I had no emotions, empty inside.

I certainly desired this, to be devoid of emotions. Especially being devoid of emotions for anyone else, because I never felt emotions did any good. I'm right know in a phase of "nothing matters" and "I don't care about anything".

I "hated" everyone, I decided to do so because there was nothing else I could do. People disappointed me. Everytime I managed to feel happy, my family, a friend or something decided to make me feel numb or angry again, and I'm tired of it. I don't want to feel, but I also want to feel, and I don't know what's really best.

I've been having problems to express my emotions since I was a kid, it didn't only make me feel uncomfortable, but also I couldn't naturally express them. Then boredom started making me feel empty, and now I just feel empty the whole time. Emotions make me feel uncomfortable and expressing them makes me feel even more uncomfortable, and I find no logical reason to feel emotions, to be actually logical for me.

I have no filters, I don't care if I offend someone, I don't care if people feels bad or sad because of me. I ignore people most of the time, not because I choose, but because I find no "emotional connection" with them, and find them a distraction I don't want and need. I don't care about other people's problems and events, news or whatever. When I feel something, it only lasts a few seconds because I choose to stop feeling.

To fix this, because I know it's not going to help me not feeling (and neither would do feeling), I tried having conversations with other people, trying to feel connected or attached with them, but I start being obsessive or the feeling turns out to be nothing or a negative one, so I immediately lose interest, and end up numb again. I try having empathy and feeling guilty, but I can't, not even a little bit. I don't feel anything if something terrible or sad happens.

It's amazing how only in a year I've changed from feeling sadness, fear, stress, anxiety and other emotions, to later feel only anger, boredom and frustration, to now feel almost nothing. I keep seeking stimulation, but I get tired of everything fast, maybe because I abuse, maybe because I can't find anything interesting enough to "fill me". I don't know what to do, sometimes it looks like drugs are the only cure, and the fact that they're self-destructive doesn't look like a good idea.

Boredom is like a form of torture from which even the most stimulating of vices provide only a brief respite. Drugs didn't do much for me either. Have you tried competitive fighting yet?

It's curious though that you've felt these things before. Unless you've had some serious brain damage in the last year, you should still be capable of experiencing those emotions.

Does that bother you?

I haven't tried competitive fighting, mainly because almost nothing looks interesting ir stimulating for me.

I'm able to feel most emotions, maybe there are some exceptions, but they're locked and I can't find the key.

Maybe this is something that would be different if I didn't have this problem, but yes, it bothers me, especially considering I'm young.

What does interest you?

I think you should talk with a therapist. If you do have emotions, then you're going to need to learn how to access them and deal with them appropriately, otherwise they'll find ways to escape you, which is often painful for you and everyone in your immediate vicinity.

When you say drugs, are you talking about prescription medication or illegal substances? I would never endorse self-medicating, but I think working with a psychiatrist to find the right medication for you could help. I was always either numb or miserable before I started on anti-depressants.

There are many things that I find interesting, but I get tired of it really fast. It's hard for me to find stimulation by doing interesting things, as it only lasts a few minutes.

I was thinking more of illegal substances, but not excluding prescripted medication.