Lonely, not sad.

I'm tired, I get like this when I'm tired. I go through the day just fine, and once I start settling down the stomach feeling kicks in. I was just with family celebrating a birthday, with I maintain mutual love and comfort with - started off great until that stomach feeling crept.


Every buzz of my phone I was strongly wishing in my head was one of the few girls things recently ended up not working out. It's not a rational wish, I know in my head it's for the better that me and one parted ways since we wanted different things, and that the other one must have just simply not been interested enough to keep replying. I might have been a little too honest for being at an introductory stage. Better to let these dysfunctional things go, accept that most aren't going to be a good fit for me, hell it'll make it even better when/if a 'right' person comes along.

I don't worry about slowly getting jaded, cold, hateful. I'm good at staying optimistic. There's another part of me though, that stomach feeling I mentioned, that has it's own section of my brain I can't control. The feeling that overpowers being surrounded by family or friends I love, knowing rationally I've made decent or even subjectively great decisions. The feeling of loneliness, the lack of some type of gratification that can only come from one type of person - the one you let in, become vulnerable and weak to more than any other, and the action of them inhabiting that position and responding in genuine affection.


I've had it before, I'm lucky. Some haven't, which I can't decide is better or worse. In times like this I'm starving for it, all I want is someone to lay my head on their chest, for them to comb my hair and tell me everything's fine and I'm perfect the way I am. Cheesy and embarrassing, no way would I admit this to any friend or family member. And that starving part of my brain is so dumb to think that any one can do that effectively - if maybe I reach back out to that one girl she'll come around. Maybe if I try to recover that conversation that person who ghosted me, they will understand and respond. God forbid maybe I get too drunk and reconnect with my ex and bring back a horribly ugly situation I know I'm glad to be out of. Maybe it would make this stomach feeling go away. It would be a horrible decision, all three of those, but sometimes being rational feels secondary to chasing this seemingly primal thing I'm starving for.

I'm fortunate, grateful for what I have, and have had. I'm sound in the decisions I've made. I wouldn't say I'm happy, but happy is a rare feeling for me. I would say I'm definitely not sad. Just horribly lonely.
Thanks for reading

I'm sorry you are so lonely right now. Good for you for staying strong and not letting that loneliness cause you to make a bad decision. I hope the right one comes along for you soon.

I admire your strength, @nocom! I'm sure the right person will come to you in due time Just hang in there. Good things will come. I'm glad you at least heave family and friends supporting you. We're here for you as well. Feel free to PM me anytime. I'm here for you and so is everyone else when you need advice and support. Sending many safe, warm hugs to you, your family, your friends, and ALL the people you Love and who TRULY Love you and Accept you for who you TRULY are! Don't worry, I am SURE that the right person will come to you someday! Please NEVER give up hope! KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING LIKE YOU'RE ALREADY WONDERFULLY DOING! Hang in there!