advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
randomer123
Grand Member
 
randomer123's Avatar
randomer123 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Aug 2018
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 838
5 yr Member
4 hugs
given
Default Aug 01, 2019 at 09:06 AM
  #1
I realised something yesterday. Something that's probably causing my unworthiness, but for some reason it feels so difficult to deal with. I can hardly put it into words and I don't know how to start. I tried to write about it (journal) but I struggled with it.

When I was a child I was always wanting things and asking for things. My mum never gave in and always said "no". I was never allowed to have things. It seemed that other kids asked for something, a lollipop or something, and their mum would get them it. When it came to christmas and birthday, I got a few of the things I wanted but mostly not, it was mostly things I didn't ask for. Usually these things were too expensive but some weren't, but my mum would say "I'm not spending that". So I always felt unworthy of these things. Sometimes she would say "what do you want one of them for?" in the tone of voice that meant I shouldn't want it. So I felt like it was wrong to want those things. Even the money I got for christmas/birthday, she told me what I could and couldn't spend it on.

So then I started sixth form where they gave you some money each week for being there all week. Now I had my own money, and more of it. Of course my mum still tried to tell me what to buy and what not to buy, but because I didn't spend much of it, it built up and I had quite a lot. Eventually she stopped caring and I started buying what I wanted, well some things. Most things, like clothes, CD's, games, jewellery, make up etc, I could easily buy no problem. As long as I had enough money, I could go into the shop and buy them. Sometimes my mum was with me, sometimes she wasn't. Some of the things I bought she disapproved of and said "why did you buy that for?" etc, but I never cared. And she let it go too.

Up until then the obsessions, (which I wrote about in this thread: https://psychcentralforums.com/anxie...ng-stupid.html ) were easy things that I could get, or silly things I lost interest in after a few weeks. But at the end of sixth form I started a new obsession. This was an easy object that I could and should have been able to buy. But for some reason I couldn't. I wrote all about it in that thread I linked but basically, I got too nervous to even go near. I couldn't understand why. I tried loads of times, failing every time. Now that I had my own money, and could buy what I wanted, I still couldn't buy this thing.

I never understood it, and really, I still don't. But now I think it's related to my mum saying I can't have things. It got ingrained into my subconscious and stopped me from buying things, telling me I'm not allowed, I shouldn't want them etc. This is what I think anyway. Now, some obsessions I've managed to buy, or something similar, though I've always felt nervous about it, it didn't stop me. But, I've found I can't even talk about these things, or write about them, I feel too ashamed or something. I feel like, not only do I not deserve to have these things, I don't deserve to even talk about them or admit that I like/want them.

The current obsession is something I can't have anyway so I can never buy one. So I will never know if I'm capable of it, or if I'd get too nervous. But I can't even talk about them, can't bring myself to even mention them. Either talking or writing, I get too nervous. I feel guilty and ashamed and that I shouldn't like them or want one. And that first obsession was something I was definitely allowed to like, and should have been able to buy easily, no restrictions, and it didn't cost much either. There was nothing external stopping me (like there is with the current one) it was all inside. So I just know that if I was allowed to have this thing, I couldn't. I'd feel I don't deserve it. I can't really go and look at them either, don't have that choice, but if I did, I know I'd be too nervous.

Now that I know what it probably is, I need to figure out how to get rid of it. Just knowing about it hasn't helped (so far anyway). I need to undo this "programming" of feeling unworthy. I need to tell myself I'm just as "worthy" as anyone else. Even though I can't buy one of these things, I should be able to at least talk about them. And if any "side obsessions" come up, things that I could buy, then I need to decide if I do really want it, and if I do then go buy it (or at least look for it).

Really, I think the only way to fix this is to start thinking in a more positive way, that I am worthy. And if there's anything I need to buy, look at, do, say then I need to try to force myself to do it. Obviously I can't buy the current obsession thing, but I'm sure I could talk about them. But then that involves other people. If I could find some place that sells them, that I can actually get to, then I really need to force myself to look. Though there isn't really anywhere around here, where the bus goes past.

I can't even admit to the people I know, that I want one, or that I even like them. I feel terrible about it. Now I need to have a good think about what I can do about this. There has got to be something.
randomer123 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Fuzzybear, MickeyCheeky, unaluna
 
Thanks for this!
MickeyCheeky, unaluna

advertisement
MickeyCheeky
Legendary
 
MickeyCheeky's Avatar
MickeyCheeky My echo is the only voice coming back
 
Member Since: Jun 2016
Location: Italy
Posts: 11,817 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
38.4k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Aug 01, 2019 at 10:19 AM
  #2
CONGRATULATIONS! I'm REALLY HAPPY that you were able to get to this point, @randomer123! Now that you know what the problem is, you can start working on it! That's quite an accomplishment! Be proud of yourself! Hopefully you'll be able to change this way of thinking. Is it possible for you to buy some books one the subject? Perhaps there are some that may help you. Please keep posting as this seems to REALLY help you with this insight and I couldn't be happier to hear that! Keep fighting as there's a brighter future ahead of you, i'm sure of that! Sending many safe, warm hugs to you, randomer123! KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN LIKE YOU'RE ALREADY WONDERFULLY DOING!
MickeyCheeky is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Skeezyks
 
Thanks for this!
randomer123
Skeezyks
Disreputable Old Troll
 
Skeezyks's Avatar
Skeezyks has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2015
Location: The Star of the North
Posts: 32,762 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
17.4k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Smile Aug 01, 2019 at 07:32 PM
  #3
Thanks for sharing this. I recall replying to the previous post you provided a link for. I don't know if you've been receiving any kind of therapy services. But, from what I understand of your struggle, I wondered if you are familiar with
Exposure Response Prevention Therapy (ERP). If not here are links to 2 articles, from PC's archives, on the subject:

Exposure and Response Prevention Therapy for OCD

ERP Therapy – Where are you?


__________________
"I may be older but I am not wise / I'm still a child's grown-up disguise / and I never can tell you what you want to know / You will find out as you go." (from: "A Nightengale's Lullaby" - Julie Last)
Skeezyks is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
randomer123
randomer123
Grand Member
 
randomer123's Avatar
randomer123 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Aug 2018
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 838
5 yr Member
4 hugs
given
Default Aug 03, 2019 at 03:10 AM
  #4
Quote:
Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky View Post
CONGRATULATIONS! I'm REALLY HAPPY that you were able to get to this point, @randomer123! Now that you know what the problem is, you can start working on it! That's quite an accomplishment! Be proud of yourself! Hopefully you'll be able to change this way of thinking. Is it possible for you to buy some books one the subject? Perhaps there are some that may help you. Please keep posting as this seems to REALLY help you with this insight and I couldn't be happier to hear that! Keep fighting as there's a brighter future ahead of you, i'm sure of that! Sending many safe, warm hugs to you, randomer123! KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN LIKE YOU'RE ALREADY WONDERFULLY DOING!
Thanks, I've got to this point and now I feel stuck. I don't know of any books, I've tried looking around articles online but there's nothing that matches what I am feeling. I will keep looking, and thinking and writing. Sometimes I feel like the only way is to force myself to do things, ignoring the nervousness. Nothing bad will happen anyway, I know that, but it's like something inside locks up and wont let me do it.

The current obsession is something I can't buy, so I can't use that really. I feel like I'll have to wait for something else to come up, something that I should be able to just go into a shop and buy (like the first obsession was). But I could be waiting forever. I can't really talk about it to anyone because it's so ridiculous, it's not the sort of thing I can just start a conversation about. There's also still a bit of shame/guilt because I know I shouldn't like/want them/one.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Skeezyks View Post
Thanks for sharing this. I recall replying to the previous post you provided a link for. I don't know if you've been receiving any kind of therapy services. But, from what I understand of your struggle, I wondered if you are familiar with
Exposure Response Prevention Therapy (ERP). If not here are links to 2 articles, from PC's archives, on the subject:

Exposure and Response Prevention Therapy for OCD

ERP Therapy – Where are you?

Thanks I will read those. I did read something about "exposure therapy" but it was more for phobias. This seems to be something different.

- - -

Also I've been thinking, it probably wasn't just what my mum said. There was probably things from teachers, other kids at school (not just the bullies, but maybe things others said or did). I don't think I can remember everything and uproot everything but if I can analyse some things (that I do remember) and then try to neutralise the feeling around them, that should work, or at least help.

And if the subject of this obsession object ever comes up again in conversation (as it has once before) I will talk about it. But I need to be careful not to go too far and give any hint that I like them (or want one).
randomer123 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
MickeyCheeky
 
Thanks for this!
MickeyCheeky
randomer123
Grand Member
 
randomer123's Avatar
randomer123 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Aug 2018
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 838
5 yr Member
4 hugs
given
Default Aug 05, 2019 at 03:01 AM
  #5
Made a breakthrough with this last night! I had been thinking and thinking, and couldn't come up with anything and then, out of nowhere it just hit me.

I remembered this incident from when I was about 17 or 18. It was someones birthday or something, and there was some other people there. My ego and it's need to show off thought of something "clever" to say about the obsession I had at the time. So I just blurted it out, and it was something really stupid and I got told off. I felt so stupid and embarrassed, because I knew I shouldn't have said that and had no idea why I did (at the time, now I know it's the ego having to show off and get attention). I think I ruminated on this for a few days, maybe even weeks.

Now the first problematic obsession started when I was 18, so it wasn't long after this incident, so it fits. And I remember before that incident, when I had an obsession, I'd find any chance to talk about it, bring it into a conversation. And sometimes afterwards it felt foolish but not that bad, but nobody else complained, they just ignored me. But this time I made a right fool of myself, and said something I shouldn't have in front of everyone. My mum told me off about it, and it wasn't until afterwards that I realised how stupid and wrong it was.

Back then I seemed to be completely possessed by my ego, but I didn't know anything about ego back then, so I thought it was just "me". This time I was so ashamed of myself, that I must have subconsciously put some sort of mental block on obsessions. This went too far the other way. When a new obsession started and it was something that I should have been able to buy, obviously there was no way I could talk about it to anyone, not allowed, would just make a fool of myself, get told off. And then when I went to buy one, I couldn't even go into the shop to look at them. Something stopped me, like I wasn't allowed to have one. I felt ashamed or guilty, felt like I shouldn't be doing it.

And the same thing has happened with other obsessions since. Some things I have bought, but I can't force myself to even mention them to anyone else. I can't even mention these things if they come up in a conversation, like they are a forbidden subject. The current obsession, nobody knows about, and I want to keep it that way. So even if someone asks something and it's one of those, I can't say it, I have to lie and say I don't know. I can't bring the subject up, because it feels wrong.

But why is this still bothering me? I've detached myself from the control of my ego, I know longer try to show off or get attention. If I mentioned this thing, it would be the same as talking about anything else. Nobody knows it's an obsession and I have no interest in showing off. It would only be mentioned in context to whatever others are saying. But I just can't bring myself to even let anyone know I even acknowledge the existence of this thing.

So I've gone from one extreme to the other. From obsessing to trying to deny my obsession even to myself. If I went to look at them, nobody else has to know, including my mum. I would be alone, I could do what I want but it seems like I'm scared of myself. I don't even know what that means. What exactly am I scared of? What do I think will happen if I go to look at them? Why do I try to tell myself I'm not interested in them, when I know myself that I am? It's impossible to lie to yourself because you know. So this is just a big waste of energy and worrying about nothing.

But now I realise that forcing myself to go look at them wouldn't fix this problem. It might help with this particular object. But then this obsession would end, a new one start, and I'd have the same problem. I know this because I did it with the last obsession. After almost 4 years of it, I decided to go into a shop and look at them, though I knew I couldn't buy one, I could look. It took a while to pluck up the courage to do that, but I think I was starting to lose interest a bit by that point anyway. I went in, looked, there wasn't many there anyway and then I left. About a month later the obsession ended and was replaced with the current one and now I have the same problem. I have to deal with the underlying cause, because after all, these obsession objects are nothing but themes, they don't matter.

So now I know what it is, I need to break it down somehow. The main emotion here seems to be some sort of guilt/shame/embarrassment, and this comes out as a fear. I'm not sure if fear is really the right word but it's near enough. I need to meditate on this but I'll be out tomorrow and thursday, and will be busy the rest of today. I feel like this is more important, since it's been holding me back for 20 years. It would be a huge relief to break it down and be free of it. But I'll have to work on it whenever I get the chance.
randomer123 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
MickeyCheeky
 
Thanks for this!
MickeyCheeky
randomer123
Grand Member
 
randomer123's Avatar
randomer123 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Aug 2018
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 838
5 yr Member
4 hugs
given
Default Aug 10, 2019 at 02:19 AM
  #6
I've been thinking about this, and here's what I've worked out:

- These obsessions are created by the ego to show off and get attention. The objects are meaningless, they are just themes.

- When I was very young I was completely controlled by my ego, and used these obsessions to show off and annoy people.

- When I was about 17 I said something so stupid, got told off and became embarrassed. My subconscious (I think?) put a mental block on obsessions. This stopped me obsessively talking about them and annoying people, and also "protected" me from further embarrassment and humiliation.

- This went too far though and I couldn't even buy a simple thing, couldn't talk about certain things.

- When I managed to break through one of these mental blocks and buy the thing and/or talk about it, then I'd go back into annoying, attention seeking obsession mode, as before.

- I never said anything as stupid as that time when I was 17, but the obsessing itself was embarrassing afterwards.

- Every time after breaking through the block, the obsession would change to something different and the block would be back.

- Eventually, it chose an object I can't have. This means I couldn't buy one. But I still went into a shop and looked at them.

- After that, it changed to another object I can't have, and this time it's something I can't really look at. This is my current obsession.

I know that if I force myself to find a place I can look at these, and look at them, this obsession will end and a new one will start. I have a feeling it would be something much worse than this one. I don't want to go and look at them for that reason. I don't want a worse one. I think I'd rather keep this one while I work on the actual cause of this problem.

It seems what I need to do now is just stop obsessing. I am mostly free from my ego now, it comes up sometimes in things but it's mild. I have no interest in showing off and I wont let the ego tell me otherwise. I won't let it encourage me to show off. I just need to reprogram my subconscious to know that I don't need that protection anymore. That block is useless now and causing more harm than good. It needs to be removed/dissolved. So now I just need to work on doing that. It seems the only way to dissolve a negative block like this, is to affirm the opposite, drum it in to the subconscious to reprogram it.

So I need to keep telling myself I don't need it anymore, and that I am free of the egos control. I now have the choice to keep an obsession to myself and to a reasonable level, and not show off or annoy people with it. And then I don't need these obsessions anymore either, they are just the egos stupid addictions, a cry for attention and reactions. I don't want that. I have proper hobbies, things I've always enjoyed doing and genuinely do enjoy. So I just need to concentrate on them more, put more time and energy into them, and less into the obsessions.

So my goals:

1. Keep telling myself I don't need the mental block/protection. I am free now

2. Remind myself that the obsessions are just themes for the ego to use to show off and get attention.

And all the time I need to stop putting so much time and energy into the current obsession and into my real interests instead. Eventually they should take over and I should loose most of the interest in the obsession. And if a new one starts just see it for what it is and then ignore it. Giving attention to these silly obsessions only feeds the ego, which I don't want.
randomer123 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
MickeyCheeky
 
Thanks for this!
MickeyCheeky
randomer123
Grand Member
 
randomer123's Avatar
randomer123 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Aug 2018
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 838
5 yr Member
4 hugs
given
Default Aug 17, 2019 at 03:15 AM
  #7
An incident happened yesterday. At first I thought it was the other person's fault, but then after a while I realised it was me doing the same thing as that incident when I was 17 (ish). Being obsessive about an obsession object (though this time it was actually something related to it and not the object itself). But it was the same, embarrassing myself to the point that I got "told off" and that's what it took to realise what I was doing. I didn't even realise I was being so obsessive, but I was.

I felt ashamed afterwards but I now know I have to stop talking about this too. Just stop talking to other people at all unless there's a reason to, or to answer someone. There is no reason to bring up this subject at all, ever. never ever talk about obsessions. I hope this incident gave me the kick in the face I needed to stop obsessing.

And now I'm going to let this thread finally die.
randomer123 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
MickeyCheeky
 
Thanks for this!
MickeyCheeky
MickeyCheeky
Legendary
 
MickeyCheeky's Avatar
MickeyCheeky My echo is the only voice coming back
 
Member Since: Jun 2016
Location: Italy
Posts: 11,817 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
38.4k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Aug 17, 2019 at 06:06 AM
  #8
Please keep writing if it helps, @randomer123. You're not bothering anyone if that's what you fear. The important part is if it's helping YOURSELF. That's what matters. Keep talking here if that's what you wish. Wishing you the BEST of Luck with Life. KEEP FIGHTING! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH You, @randomer123, and ALL Of Your Loved Ones!
MickeyCheeky is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
randomer123
pianolady
Member
pianolady has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2011
Posts: 49
10 yr Member
Default Aug 17, 2019 at 07:13 AM
  #9
Keep writing. You express things really well. For me, writing to a few trusted people really helped. Having someone validate what I wrote and to have discussions about it helped. I also find understanding my triggers helpful as well.
pianolady is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
randomer123
Fuzzybear
Wisest Elder Ever
 
Fuzzybear's Avatar
Fuzzybear has no updates.
 
Member Since: Nov 2002
Location: Cave.
Posts: 96,301 (SuperPoster!)
20 yr Member
81.2k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Aug 17, 2019 at 04:07 PM
  #10
Keep writing

__________________
Fuzzybear is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
randomer123
dontfollow
Junior Member
dontfollow has no updates.
 
Member Since: Aug 2019
Location: Hartford, Connecticut
Posts: 13
3 yr Member
Default Aug 18, 2019 at 02:47 AM
  #11
I think you need to let go of the past. We all need to do that. It's called 'past' for a reason. Start new everyday!
dontfollow is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
randomer123
randomer123
Grand Member
 
randomer123's Avatar
randomer123 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Aug 2018
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 838
5 yr Member
4 hugs
given
Default Aug 23, 2019 at 09:21 AM
  #12
Nobody else was responding, just a long line of my own posts, and usually get into trouble for that. I just didn't want to start a new thread for everything since it's related to this.

- - -

I do have another update on this though.

I decided I did want the side obsession object, it's something I have looked at before and do want one. I had to go out today anyway so I decided to look for one, and buy if I found one for a reasonable price. There is only one shop there that would have had them. At first I was worried about my nervousness, so I kept telling myself there's nothing to be nervous about, it's OK, I can buy one etc. And today I went.

I actually felt no nervousness at all. I had to go to a few other shops and then went to this one (it was furthest away). I looked all around and couldn't find any. I did find something similar, and I did look at them, but they weren't what I wanted.

I was so disappointed because I was hoping to get one. Now I will have to wait until I go somewhere else, and they might not have them either.

But the main thing I got from this was, that the nervousness has gone (for side obsessions at least) so I don't have that problem. I just need to find somewhere that actually has what I want. At least now I know when I go somewhere else, I won't have the nervousness problem, I can easily go look. And I don't think I'd have any trouble actually buying one either.
randomer123 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 07:40 PM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.