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Anonymous40099
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Attention Aug 07, 2019 at 07:59 PM
  #1
For a very long time, whenever I dealt with my father, I have felt either angry, guilty and/or depressed. Whenever I deal with him, I remember how he treated me in the past, and my first reaction is anger, because I'm afraid he would criticize me. I normally keep the anger to myself and I will be angry for hours, but sometimes I cannot control it and I snap at him. Today I snapped at him, and I have been feeling guilty and depressed all day. I snapped at him because he was texting me for the last few days about a job interview I had, and it irritated me how he kept asking me questions about it. I feel guilty and depressed, but I want him to know when I have something to say, I will say it on my own. Not by interrogation. This is a boundary problem. But again, this is because I am still dependent on him. I am trying to break free from his grip. This is the normal relationship with him. An endless cycle of anger, guilt, and depression. The big problem is that he is still hopeful that I will one day get married and bring him grandchildren, but I don't know how to tell him not to put his hopes high as I don't see this happening. He is living false hopes. He wasted his life on me. His money. His time. Now I feel guilty about all of that because I cannot give him back anything!!! I wish if he threw me on the streets early on. Then I would be angry at him and not feel guilty at all
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Smile Aug 08, 2019 at 02:47 PM
  #2
Thanks for sharing this. Relationships between parents & children can be so complicated. My parents are both long since dead now. But I still find myself ruminating over things that happened between my parents & myself over half a century ago! My own experience tells me we never get over these things entirely. But they do mellow with time.

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Default Aug 08, 2019 at 05:42 PM
  #3
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Originally Posted by Skeezyks View Post
Thanks for sharing this. Relationships between parents & children can be so complicated. My parents are both long since dead now. But I still find myself ruminating over things that happened between my parents & myself over half a century ago! My own experience tells me we never get over these things entirely. But they do mellow with time.
We expect our parents to be supportive and loving. When they are not, it hurts. A lot. Love and punishments cannot go hand by hand. To me his punishments to me, criticism, yelling ... define our relationships. Nothing else. I don't believe when he says he loves me or cares about me. How could I and he wished me once to die because I wasn't like what he wants me to be?

My father has always assumed I am in the wrong. He has never defended me. He is willing to take others' words on me over listening to me. The feeling of guilt is killing me, though. I am angry, I am the one who is hurt from it. If I direct it towards him I feel guilty and depressed, if I keep it to myself I feel depressed, too. I wish things were easier.

Anyway, I ended up sending him a message saying I didn't mean to snap at him like that, but I was upset because the interview didn't go well, which is partially true. I was also upset from his messages and questions and not keeping a clear boundary with me, and not trusting me what what I want to share with him.

I guess he will never change. I am just trying not to live the rest of my life in guilt.
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Default Aug 10, 2019 at 03:01 PM
  #4
Skeezyks is correct -- some parents' behavior makes their relationship to their children very complicated. Especially when that behavior is emotional or physical abuse. That is hard to address when you're just a kid and harder to overcome when you're an adult b/c you want your parent to own up to their abuse yet they never do.

It's good that you still communicate with your father. Maybe he realizes the impact his behavior's had on you, and is trying to repair it the only way he thinks he can by texting you? Clearly though, you have boundaries and he crossed them. So it's good that you keep your boundaries with your father very clear so that he doesn't cross them.

No, he will never change. My parents never changed. People don't change. All you can do is accept the past for what it is, and try to live the rest of your life for yourself. Not in guilt.
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Default Aug 10, 2019 at 10:17 PM
  #5
I know he won't change. I am trying to find a balance where I keep my boundaries protected and be independent, while not feeling guilty of doing/being that.
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Default Aug 11, 2019 at 10:05 AM
  #6
Finding the balance is hard because it's an ongoing process. Keep at it though.
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