Long winded story of my life. Thanks for reading if you do!

I have been diagnosed with major depression, anxiety, PTSD. I have been dealing with major guilt and regret a lot. I just can't seem to get over it. I am seeing a counselor on medications, etc. I had a decent job, got stressed out because working with severe disabled people and lack of cooperation at the job. Well I had an opportunity to move to work with others, just quit that job. Got another with a construction company, and was doing good washing trucks til I worked on job sites and was treated by crap by others. I got another job after that, and was going to be a commuting job and I did not want to commute, etc This is when things definitely spiraled down. I tried to overdose on my clonazepam not knowing it wouldn't do anything. My father had to take me to ER and was sent home. I was then taken to my regular doctor who put me back on an antidepressant I was on before and took me off clonazipam. I felt really guilty for putting my dad in that position to have to deal with my decisions. Yeah I know your dad cared to do that. It doesn't clear the guilt exactly. Well, I moved forward got another job. Well, the feeling low and getting a new job was too much for me. I worked for a week. I just felt confident, I was telling myself I can't do this too much to deal with. I told work I can't come in, dealing with emotional issues. Then I didn't go in the next day. This is the same day that I felt so overwhelmed with myself feelings, not thinking I could cope anymore. While I was there, I did not have any suicidal thoughts etc. Well I was asked if I was still suicidal. Well they had set up for me to go to a treatment center. Well, it was not what I thought it would be. I was in there with people with more serious issues. I was hoping that I would get more help to deal with my feelings, thoughts, emotions, etc. Well I saw a counselor 2 times while in there. Had a counselor actually say "fake it till you make it" is all I took away from there? I was monitored for medications. I so regret going there. Not what I figured. Well I was release a week later. I was happy to be out of that place.I went back to my parents and still had this feeling of giving up on life. Not suicidal, but isolating from the world. Spent most of my time alone in a room, not eating mostly. Bad mistake for a depressed person. All the while getting berated by my parents, who I figure don't understand depression mental illness possibly. Dad saying get a job etc. Finally got one, and struggling ever since. I have major guilt for what I have put them through.I have a companion dog, and the guilt of not giving him any attention during my isolating in the room! I have major quilt of that going through my head all the time! I hate the job I ended up getting. Just don't see any good for the most part. I have my own apartment and haven't lived in for almost a year, because I feel I am not ready. Will I go there and quit another job? My life is filled with fear, guilt, unable to see any light at the end of the tunnel? Though I am not suicidal, how much longer can I endure with it all? I am just going through life with no joy. I try to find the joy, but my mind reminds me of how crappy I have made things. And my poor dog has to suffer that his owner is not able to provide the kind of life he deserves. Don't get me wrong I do things with him now. Walks, etc. but I still feel inadequate for him, not to mention to take care of myself. I feel lower than the worms in the dirt. I have never let my life get so low. Any input is appreciated. Thank you for listening to such a long post.

my parents didn't understand mental health either

my mother was absolutely the worst at trying to understand, using all kinds of excuses of why it could be happening- usually it's " because you're awkward," or " because you're bored.", she was never really their for me (we're no longer in contact, she is alive but in a diffrent part of the world).

my problem is that I have absolutely no interest in life, and when you have no interest in life, it just gets you down- as you're constantly searching for what ever it is to make you happy

I failed school because I spent most of my school days in hospital

I've been told that I can't work

I don't own a pet (and the reason I don't own a pet is because I can't even fully look after myself,) it would be unfair on the animal to give it less than it deserves

I'm not with anyone (because I can't tolerate people.)

and basically I have had 0 experience in anything. I'm 25, and I only recently discovered what a park was and went on the swings (kids do that with their parents). I've never even been on vacation or at least to a seaside.

and you know what?

for the most part, I don't care about it

I failed school- who cares. I can't work- who cares. I don't own an animal- who cares

when you " don't care" about life, it's hard.

I've been down the whole suicide root,


I can't even get that right, though and it sucks that I just go from feeling depressed in a hospital, to wanting to no longer be here, to feeling depressed in a hospital again.

once I even got mad at the nurses for saving my life. I just wished they would leave me alone (looking back on it I have absolutely no regrets,), because all those 5 times I was generally sick of my life and needing a way out.

I guess if I was to give advice, is to look for the small things that make you happy.

for me: it's music.

knowing I can start the day with a song I like is a really nice feeling (I can't imagine life without music, either)

favorite foods, too (in my case fries).

and humor

Thanks for replies.RagingVortex I hope you find something that makes you feel so alive that you don't feel that way I am sorry you did not get to experience what most kids do. Just because your an adult I hope you find your inner child and go play.

Hugs

My parental units were also ''disinterested'' in me.

I did not ''fail'' school or university. But because of their …. issues.... they were invested in painting me as ''a failure'' and worse. grrrrrrrrr

Respect to all

How do i find my posts in an easy way. I posted this but luckily found it?

Hi WantPeaceofMind, welcome to PC. If you want to find your posts and threads just go to your home page and click on statistics. You will be able to see what you wrote that way. I was struggling so badly when I joined PC that I had to check my statistics every morning when I signed in PC.

I suffer from ptsd myself so I can relate to some of the symptoms you are describing.

What antidepressant are you taking?

It doesn't seem like you did anything wrong so try not to feel guilty. Parents should be supportive and maybe they are partly responsible for the problems you are having so don't let them make you feel bad.

When you said your dog was neglected I assume he has to live outdoors so you can't have him in your room? Is it possible to have the dog in your apartment? I have often shut myself in for years at a time and my dog stays in my bedroom with me. Your dog will probably be quite happy to be locked in with you when you want to be isolated and might cheer you up a bit.

I've been having some similar problems but I don't take medications. I really needed to get some things done today, but my sister who shares the house has been so nasty that I don't want to do anything that would benefit her. She woke me up shouting curses in the hallway and then kept yelling nasty things while I shut myself in my bedroom. Things are really ging downhill because of increasing debt and I'm less productive in a toxic environment. I'm not sure what to do either. So good luck with your situation. I hope you find a job to please yourself rather than what your parents want to do.

Sorry you feel that way. I hope you find something to bring you some joy!

MrsA I hope find another place to live so you can get peace of mind. Seems you are doing the right things. Not have to hear your sister being mean.

Thanks @WantPeaceofMind I did manage to make soem positive changes and then my sister got extremely toxic last night and today so today was a pretty bad day. I need to get out of this situation. I keep trying to find new jobs and I can't find a way out. Every time my sister goes out, I just wish she would get into an accident and die. Why is it only people you like who die? The bad ones seem to live forever even when they are prone to risky behavior and eat a horrible diet of bacon and fried foods? Sorry, I'm having a very depressing day and I haven't had time to eat anything other than peanut butter.

Are things still bad with your parents?