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Default Aug 20, 2019 at 04:44 PM
  #1
I'm burning out, I'm so stressed my heart is racing and blood pressure rising. What are some simple things I can do to soothe myself?
Help. Thank you.
 
 
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Default Aug 21, 2019 at 05:32 AM
  #2
Would reading through a bunch of banalities really make you feel better.

Okay, let's try: "Have some chamomile tea. Take a bath. Light some candles. Play soft music. Practice yoga. Listen to some guided imagery on YouTube."

There. Doesn't that give you hope?

I didn't think so.

When I've felt like I was burning out, I would just about like to strangle someone who would start making suggestions about how I oughta go do this or go do that.

But, maybe that's just me. You might be completely different. In that case, here you go: 16 Simple Ways to Relieve Stress and Anxiety

Probably, "advice" of any kind is not what you need to hear. Sometimes talking or writing about what's going on can help us think more clearly. When we try to form coherent sentences to be heard or read by someone else, our thoughts can become more coherent to ourselves. I don't know that "venting" is automatically a way forward. I'm not sure it gets things "out" so they bother you less. Whatever is bothering you is probably plenty bothersome . . . and will likely continue to be so. But it may have to do with a circumstance that you are not about to change . . . and maybe can't alter for the time being.

One defense mechanism is to decide to just not care about what is or isn't going to happen . . . at least temporarily. Like Scarlet O'Hara saying she would "think about it tomorrow." Because "After all, tomorrow is another day." There's a banality . . . but it can be a good thing to remember. Some days it feels like we're just getting nowhere. Sometimes I just throw up my hands and say, "I surrender to failure." (for now.) That can be a way of taking a rest.

Being in a struggle that seems to be going nowhere is awfully fatiguing. Sometimes you just stop and do nothing.
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Default Aug 21, 2019 at 05:46 AM
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Yes, the breathing didn't help, I felt suffocated at the moment. Lighting candles and taking bath wouldn't have changed the thoughts and panic.. but listening to calming music, I did try that at the motel. Not a hope either.

Deciding not to care about what is going on in the moment is hard. Things build and build and yes, I don't feel like strangling someone so much as wishing I could just get away. But I've had the most hateful spiteful words and more come out of me in those panicky moments, where I realized I was duped once more.

Surrender, you have that right, in my mind. I listen to someone on youtube, and I usually, not always, feel calmer after. Taking a rest in the middle of what seems like chaos is very hard. I had to take more meds and I did get more sleep. I'm going to be ok.
 
 
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Default Aug 21, 2019 at 06:05 AM
  #4
If watching some YouTube videos help you may try to do that - if you haven't already of course. I'm so sorry things are being so hard for you Keep writing. You can do this. Like you've said, it's going to be ok. My Inbox is open for you if you wish to PM me. Sending hugs
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Default Aug 21, 2019 at 08:18 AM
  #5
Motel . . . hmmm. I've been there, done that. I'm glad you had the means to get a room.

You need some place to call yours. You can make that happen.
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Default Aug 21, 2019 at 10:16 PM
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I don't know how to make that happen, get my own place. I wish I did. I'm asking guys that are friends, I have only one gf and she has no room. I won't go in the past and go to a shelter, I just won't. and I'm completely financially empty.
 
 
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Default Aug 22, 2019 at 07:12 AM
  #7
Ok, well I'm taking Mickey's advice and I'm going to keep writing. I've got few friends, and 2 that are men but I've made it clear I just need a bit of time to collect my thoughts, and then figure out what to do from there. I have a cat, things to move, meds to take...etc.

I lost my appetite. I was on a long trip, he wanted me to come along to a wedding. We were staying in a motel, I have not left the situation that I should have before. Yesterday I was helping his family member. I felt a bit better. I seemed happy. The person who should not be mentioned, I have to. Rose I know you don't want to hear about it so just ignore the rest for your sake.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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I've had clues everywhere that I'm not welcome here, yet he said he loved me and wants to work things out, just before we left. He even said "you suggested therapy?", as if he was about to agree. I really believed him all these years when he tells me he loves me and wants to stay together. He'd change his mind and say "I want to break up with you.".... then a while later, but "I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, and I don't want a relationship with another woman." I love you. Then blame, criticism, ridicule...

Not that I don't have my own problems and have caused a lot of pain I suppose, pain, to him. He's made me so stressed that I can barely sleep. I don't want to eat.

When on this trip to his family members wedding he was very very explosive. He doesn't want me to drive his car, but he did allow me for a while. It can take 12 hours to get there, depending on how far you drive at once.

ONe thing that happened out of the 4 days of panicky feelings, was that, I just asked for him to get me something , waited, he came back after exploding about how "you weren't specific, you said get me anything at all".... and he had a coffee and desserts... not considering that I'm diabetic and he knows I need some sugar but not what he bought. It looked like all he did was think of himself.

He's been like that for years. Not thoughtful. Not considerate of my feelings, or even his own family at times. I love a lot of his family. I care so much about some of them.

I feel like I'm losing my whole life. I have no car now, it became a junker. I'm out of money because I wanted to help my son with his move and he is running out of unemployment unexpectedly.

This is all a huge mistake. I don't take advice well. I don't hear well. He has been showing me in little and big ways, for a long time, that he doesn't love me. I'm down, but I'm going to get back on my feet again... I believe I can do this and I can figure it out. I just need to slow my thoughts down. Typing it out helps.

I did talk it out, I did try to talk things out with him. That is what drove him to anger at me. I have a hard time being quiet when I'm so anxious. I had things up north that got lost on the trip. Sentimental to me or it wouldn't matter. He was a real ***** to me. He didn't consider that I needed time to grab food for the trip that I can eat because of my diabetes. That's my own fault I suppose, but the pressure from him has me on the edge. I'm leaving as soon as I know how and where to go. But I'm so hurt. This is life, same shyte different pile again. Thanks to whoever listens.
 
 
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Default Aug 22, 2019 at 08:14 AM
  #8
I'm listening. I'm so sorry for what you've been through I'm REALLY HAPPY to hear that you're elaving him as soon as you can. You deserve better. You deserve a good Life. Please be kind to yourself. You did nothing wrong, you don't deserve to suffer. Just try to focus on yourself for now. Stay strong. You will get out of this situation sooner or later. Don't let him win. There is a good Life ahead of you... you need to get rid of him first though. Please do keep fighting. Keep writing as well if it's helping you out at least a bit. I am DEEPLY, TRULY SORRY for what you have to deal with. Keep being the awesome warrior that you are. Things CAN and WILL get better. I am SURE of that. I'm so sorry for what you're going through, @2daffodils. Sending many safe, warm hugs to you and ALL of your Loved Ones!
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Default Aug 27, 2019 at 12:21 PM
  #9
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Originally Posted by 2daffodils View Post
I don't know how to make that happen, get my own place. I wish I did. I'm asking guys that are friends, I have only one gf and she has no room. I won't go in the past and go to a shelter, I just won't. and I'm completely financially empty.
I'm not going to address whether or not you should stay in a relationship with this man. That's secondary. What is primary is you having a place of your own to call home. You've got those two things all interwoven and mixed up together. For your whole life, perhaps, you have followed this pattern - "To have a place where I belong, I have to find a man to be with. Them I live where he lives." That's not working for you. You are miserable because you have an approach to life that isn't working.

As you know, I have a relationship that is not all that satisfactory. This relationship does not provide me with a place of residence. I spend a lot of time at my bf's place, but I have my own apartment. Me having a place to call mine is primary. Yes, if I had gotten into a satisfactory relationship, I would want to cohabit with my Sig. Other. But that would have to be an awfully good, solid relationship. My relationship with the guy I'm with never was, and never will be, that good . . . So I keep my own place. I recommend that to every woman - have a space to call yours.

It could be an efficiency. It could be a rented room with kitchen privileges. I've lived in both of those set ups. You won't figure out how to make that happen, if you have only a half-hearted interest in making it happen.
You'll only be half-hearted about it, if living with a man is the "be all and end all" of life for you. And then you are doomed to a worsening existence.

I can't lay out a specific pathway for you that leads you to a place of your own to live in. But it is achievable. You have a permanent, steady income. More than likely, you are eligible for a housing subsidy. Perhaps you need to get on a waiting list for that subsidy. You cannot afford to subsidize your son, when you can't afford to meet your own basic needs - like housing. Remember that, when he comes around looking for more financial help from you . . . which he will do. Don't tell yourself that "My motherly love makes me prioritize my son's welfare." That's just a way of keeping a bunch of dysfunction going and going. Your primary duty is to take care of your own basic needs.

There will never come a day when your son couldn't use some financial help for this, that or the other reason. He's going to go from one problem to the next. Best thing you can do for him is to role model responsible behavior. The responsible thing to do is to get yourself housing that gives you a space that is yours. It seems an insurmountable task, if you've never done it before. I think your entire lifetime of choices has been driven by your fear of being truly on your own. Keep that mindset and you are doomed to a hopeless existence . . . waiting and waiting to be given to by men who are incapable of giving. It is a doomed, futile approach that will keep you always profoundly disappointed.

You're not unusual. There is a very obvious reason why the population of homeless men is much bigger than the population of homeless women. A woman can usually find some man who will take her in. So that's the solution that many desperate women adopt. Any woman under the age of 60 can always find some guy, somewhere, who will let her stay under his roof . . . if she will be sexually available to him. There are always guys who can't maintain normal relationships, even though they have a job and an apartment/home. Non-desperate women stay away from these guys. So these guys have unmet needs. So they become open to exploiting desperate women. But they resent the women they use.

When you depend on someone as the only reason you are not in a shelter, you can't think clearly about the nature of the relationship. You make yourself believe what you want to believe - hard as that is to do.

Sometimes, going to a shelter can be a way of disrupting a bad pattern. I lived in a shelter for 3 months. It wasn't awful.
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Default Aug 27, 2019 at 10:16 PM
  #10
I'm not sure you understand my situation fully. If I had the means to have my own place, I'd be in one, in the city. I don't like being around him. I'd go back in time but you would realize why I couldn't stay with my son either.

I'd be waiting for at least 6 years on a list for housing. It's not as easy as you think. I've been to a shelter but those are reserved for women who are abused. I can't just pick up the phone and call one and get in.

I'm very very limited on what my rent is. Any room I've looked at won't take me, I'm on disability and that in itself causes me to be denied, as well as the costs are much higher than I can give.

I'm looking for a part time job, thinking ahead. That's all I can do. Thank you for your help. I do mean that. You understand a lot. But yes, my sons come first. They always will. If I can help, financially, emotionally, or just be there for them, I will.
 
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Default Aug 28, 2019 at 12:52 PM
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I know you had housing a while ago, while your son was with you. I know living with him became unworkable. As I recall, you could not keep that apartment, once your son was no longer living with you. That, I suspect, put you in crisis, but I don't know for sure. So you had absolutely no alternative but to get taken in by a man, or else wander the streets.

That, I believe, is how you saw your situation . . . . a case of: "I had no choice, but to do what I did." No choice, no choice, no control. "Rose just thinks there are easy alternatives, when there aren't." Maybe that's all true, and I just have no clue about the reality you faced.

Still, I invite you to challenge your own thinking . . . not to make yourself feel bad about what you've done in the past . . . but to come up with an exit strategy, so you don't stay perpetually trapped. You are in a trap, and you feel miserable in it. This is how you've been living for years and years, going all the way back to when you got married. You have endured brutal physical abuse and soul-killing emotional abuse at the hands of one man, or another, because you "had no choice." If only there had been an option to escape the miserable way these men treated you, you would have taken it - right?

That narrative doesn't hold up to honest scrutiny. Even while you still had your last apartment, you were wanting to be in this man's house with him. You were driving an hour, leaving your own apt behind, week after week, to stay with this guy. He was often rejecting of you, but you kept pursuing him, even showing up at his worksite and being told repeatedly to back off. You believed that, if you kept showing up in his life, he would let you in. You were right. Now and then, he would let you in. That was all the encouragement you needed. His life is very lonely because he is a mentally disturbed man who cannot relate normally to women. You have no competition. He's "all yours," as he said, because who else would want him? So, if you kept showing up, from time to time you would catch him in a mood where he wanted some company. He wants a woman - from time to time. And that's all. He's been real clear about that. He doesn't keep changing his mind, leading you to be all confused. He's actually been real consistent. He's not confused, and you're not confused. (I was in this kind of a relationship.) He wants a woman - now and then. In between those times: Get lost! He's made himself pretty plain.

This guy doesn't particularly like women. He made up his mind a long time ago that he resents the demands that a relationship would put on him. It's not anything deficient in you personally. He does not want a woman in his life on an on-going basis. Not you. Not any woman. This is not about you being "too needy" or "too controlling." How you are doesn't matter. A woman being in his home, and in his life day-to-day, just turns his stomach. He does not want to be anyone's "boyfriend" - because there's something deeply wrong with him . . . that no army of therapists could begin to address. He and you are not "a couple having issues" that need to be worked out and possibly could be worked out. That's a complete fantasy you create to try and normalize what's going on. You create this false equivalence where he has problems, but so do you, and you both need to work on things . . . kind of like how things are for a lot of couples in troubled relationships. That is not what this is. Now and then you see the stark reality because you're not stupid . . . . . . but then some time passes, and maybe you have a few peaceful hours together, and you go back into your groove of thinking how you love this guy and he could love you, if he would just let himself.

No he can't. There 's a story behind his he got as he is. Probably a sad story. He probably deserves to be pitied. Badly damaged people usually do. You are a compassionate, accepting person. I've worked in correctional facilities, where I came to feel compassion for men whose souls were badly deformed. Typically, they didn't get that way all on their own. Some of them were salvageable. Many simply could not be rehabilitated. They were exactly where they belonged. In a controlled environment, they could be as human as anyone else and capable of quite decent, even heart-warming, behavior. But, deep inside, something was permanently broken. This man you are staying with is in that category of being badly damaged. He may not engage in criminal behavior, but he can't interact normally for very long. He knows himself that he needs the "controlled environment" of living alone. You being there disturbs that, and he resents you doing that. Sure, he likes occasional sex, and he "doesn't want to grow old alone." He can pay lip service to wanting what normal men normally want. But he will never be normal. It's too late. You are trying to draw water from an empty well.

You came to PC with initial threads about how hurt you were that your husband left. Never mind that he was what you describe as psychopathic. You hadn't wanted the divorce, and you were mourning the loss of your "marriage." You were regretting that your son didn't have an involved "father," even though your ex was a rotten influence on your son. (Soon as he was big and strong enough, your son became physically abusive toward you, imitating his father's behavior.) You were not doing your son any favor by staying in a marriage to your ex. That was an empty excuse. Just like, now, helping your son financially is an excuse for why you are broke. Stop using your son as an excuse for why you can't change your circumstances. You have not been putting your son's welfare or your welfare first. (Your son begged you to stay away from the guy you're with.) Everyone's welfare comes secondary to your need to stay with a man, no matter how rotten you are treated by him. You really believed that the alternative - being unattached and alone - would be worse. That's a syndrome experienced by many abused women. The main barrier to leaving is what's in the mind, not what isn't in the wallet.

Maybe now you really are sick of this guy, enough to leave. Your track record predicts that you will stay until he throws you out. Nothing will be your choice. It doesn't have to be that way.

You do fit the criteria for being accepted into a shelter for abused women. You are being abused. Maybe you need to tailor your story a bit to be what they need to hear. Do it. Take the determination you voiced about not being willing to go to a shelter, and put that determination into something constructive. Try being determined to not live with abusive men. It's hard to break what has become a habitual pattern. There are resources available that you don't even know about. They won't be offered to you, until you show a commitment to getting out of the trap you're in. There will be some dues to pay, but they are not more exacting than the price you pay now to stay where you're at. I know the resources available in my own country. I don't know about where you live. But you don't live in Guatemala.

Even if you could just admit that you have mixed feelings about leaving this man, that would be a step in the direction of clearer thinking.

ShelterSafe – Women's Shelters Canada

You are an intelligent, decent woman. Life holds other options for you, if you determine to find another solution.
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Default Aug 29, 2019 at 08:15 PM
  #12
I'm reading a book that I bought today. It's called "Why Men LOVE b*itches.. it's actually quite an eye opener.
 
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Default Sep 02, 2019 at 11:21 PM
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It is my choice whether to leave him or not. You assumed I won't. That's your opinion. Thanks for the analyzing because in some ways you are very intelligent about how relationships, past traumas, parents etc. do change how a person reacts to a relationship with a not very ideal man. Hugs
 
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Default Sep 03, 2019 at 01:22 AM
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Rose's assessment was quite blunt but very insightful. It may be hard to read without feeling defensive, but if you can glean from it how you can put yourself first so you can change your life, I think you will find that if you dont put yourself first you will be no good to your sons. If you dont take care of yourself you won't be able to help them when you want. Putting yourself in harm's way to help your sons is not helping them. It's simply alleviating a momentary financial need. If you had your own stable housing and a budget to stay within...helping others does not mean you hurt yourself to do so. If a friend asks me for money, I dont give them what is earmarked for my rent and end up homeless too. If your son is an adult then he needs to take care of himself from time to time. Sorry, I digress.

I think there is some kind of faulty thinking that's keeping you in this situation, and you are bright enough and emotionally aware enough to put your needs front and center for a time to get yourself in a safe situation.

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Treatments I've done: CBT, DBT, Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS), Talk therapy, psychotherapy, exercise, diet, sleeping more, sleeping less...
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Default Sep 03, 2019 at 04:06 AM
  #15
In life, there is a price for everything. To achieve any goal there are dues to pay. To gain independence, there are dues to pay. It can seem like the cost is just too high. But staying in a rut imposes costs also. There is a natural tendency to follow the "path of least resistance." Doing otherwise can seem way too tiring. So one sticks to an old pattern, clutching on to what is, rather than reaching for what could be. That also imposes a price. Either way you pay.

Of course what you do is your choice. (And that's good that you recognise you have got a choice.) I didn't assume anything. Try listening. I said "your track record predicts" what you will do. Before people bet on a horse, they look at the horse's "track record." Analysts in many fields (sports, the stock market, credit bureaus, etc.) know that "the best predictor of the future is past performance." I didn't make up that rule of forecasting. But the past is not a perfect forecaster of the future. Once in a while, there's a big surprise. Once in a while, the unexpected happens. Maybe you'll do the unexpected. That's entirely possible. (It's just not real likely.)
Once in a while, people do what no one expects. You may. I don't know.

People have made fortunes betting that the unexpected will happen. When the horse with a track record of coming in 10th finally comes in 1rst, those who bet on that horse win big! Longshots pay the highest return. That doesn't change the reality that past behavior tends to give the best idea of what can be expected in the future.

Maybe you disagree with the idea I've just discussed. That might explain your relationships. Someone engages in bad behavior over and over, but you think they might start acting totally different going forward.
I tend to think, "What you see is what you get."

I don't think I can predict what you will do. But I will predict that this guy you're with is going to keep giving you mere crumbs of his attention. And I predict you're going to keep being unhappy with that. I'm not assuming. I'm just saying that's how I'ld bet, if I had to lay money on it.
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Default Sep 03, 2019 at 11:03 AM
  #16
When we get into relationships with people we have to accept what we are shown and that it may always be that way. You cant get into a relationship with the agenda of changing someone or hoping they will change. I am not saying you did this because the other posters know your history and I do not. People do change in relationships but as a couple. You grow together or apart or change together but one person being expected to change or a partner hoping they will change will never lead to a solid relationship. We teach people how to treat us. By that I mean boundaries and bottom lines. If there are none none will be respected. If there are bottom lines and consequences but they are not upheld than the behavior will never change. Its very much like addiction. I am an alcoholic in recovery. It took enormous pain and consequences for me to get sober. Without them, without my family setting boundaries I never would have had a reason to change.

As far as managing anxiety in a panic attack sort of way people often get annoyed when you tell them to take deep breaths.
The point of deep breaths are not to stop you from crying or thinking but too flood the brain and blood stream with oxygen. Extra oxygen and proper oxygen actually will lower your heart rate but you have to be willing to try it for like 10 minutes and really be mindful of the in and out portion of your breathing.

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Default Sep 03, 2019 at 02:11 PM
  #17
Someone who sees me as I am now, today, can relate to me. Thank you sarahsweets. I'm not dismissing Roses advice. We've pm d lots and she has a certain perspective in some areas of my life. It isn't all truth but I take what I know of myself to be true and appreciate others ideas.
 
 
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Default Sep 03, 2019 at 02:14 PM
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Oh, and thank you so much seesaw. I do listen
 
 
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Default Sep 03, 2019 at 04:31 PM
  #19
As Al Pacino said in a movie, "The worst vice is advice." It's probably not helpful to try and admonish someone into making a change. Each of us does, every moment of our lives, exactly what we really believed we had to do at that moment. This I believe. Second-guessing past decisions has limited usefulness. I do think it is a great exercise to look back and ask, "Did I really consider alternative options?" When I'm bravely honest with myself, I tend to realize I under-considered my alternatives. I find that to be self-empowering. I refuse to accept that I'm some sap that can't help being victimized. Instead, I tend to ask myself, "How was I complicit in me getting into the jam I got into?" I'm not into "guilting" myself. But I'm big into claiming whatever control I can exert over my circumstances. That was instilled in me quite young, and I glad it was. It hasn't led to me having a wonderful life, as my threads can testify to. But I think it has kept me out of a lot of even worse crap I could have got into . . . and I got into enough.

Tossing things around on threads is fine. However, we live in the real world and it offers us resources. I say: investigate those and don't assume you already know what they are. I'm talking to myself, right now, as much as to anyone else. Because I need help, and I'm spending way too much time in cyberspace myself, making believe that this gets me somewhere. It is very human to under-appreciate that we have access to more than what we take advantage of.

At one time, calling an advice line for women was helpful to me, beyond what I expected. Might, or might not, help someone else. But something out there is of value to explore no matter what the problem is. Our biggest enemy can be inertia.

With that, I think I'll get out of bed and put down my "device." Satan truly had a hand in the digital revolution . . . or he just really exploits it.
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Default Sep 03, 2019 at 05:10 PM
  #20
BTW - I looked up excerpts of that book you're reading, daffo. I think it offers some sound insights.
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