Dealing with a copycat mother - So annoying!

Hi,

Disclaimer: I'm not a teenager and my mother isn't trying to look younger through me.
I'm 40y.o. and since I was 18 my mother copy cats me.
I once said - in my 19's- I liked hooded clothing, since then, she bought everything with a hood and until today she says "I really like hooded clothing".
I once said I liked stripes, the next day she was wearing a shirt with stripes. Everything I wear, dress, smell, make up, my jokes, my theories, things I like, jobs I have (now that I landed my dream job, she doesn't stop saying that when sh was younger, she was invited to work in the same job, but refused)...It doesn't stop!
She finds out what perfume I wear, she start saying "I like the (brand I use)" then buys the same or similar.
This went on and on for years.
But as I grew up, and since I moved out, she lost sight of me and developed her own style.
Recently we start seeing each other everyday and now I'm living with her again, so it went back to the same:
Hair color? The same. THE SAME! I told her she never ever had that color, and she says she did, always had, but for some reason it use to get darker on her hair, now, she can't tell why, it gets lighter. (I know why. Because she always bought dark redish browns, now she buys LIGHT brown! That's why it gets lighter just like mine!)
But she's not satisfied. I have highlights too, so yesterday, casually, she talked about how in the past (when??), she had a hairdresser that made great highlights on her hair (LIE! The only time she dyed her hair blonde, she hated it and hated the hairdresser who did it).
She saw me with a dress and white sneakers: "See? That's just how I like to dress!" (NO, she NEVER Wore anything like that even in her youth!!!), next day, casually, out of nowhere: "I want to buy white sneakers, but I don't know where to go...". SURE!
Now, just now, she asked me about my body lotion that I left in the bathroom, trusting she was not going to touch it!..."How much does this cost?"...."Why?", I asked annoyed knowing what was coming. "Because I tried a bit and I liked the smell" (REALLY??? You want to smell like me????) My lotion, my perfume, my clothes, my hair color, my job, my self, my life?

THIS IS SO ANNOYING!!
Please don't say it's a form of compliment, because this is a symptom of a psychological issue and for the copycatted it's a form of abuse, stealing our identity, trying to be US, invalidating our personality by making it a copy - SICK!!
I CAN'T COPE WITH THIS!

Thank you

Do you have to live with her? If so is it for a limited amount of time?

Yes, I do (and I love my parents). Yes, I will be moving out in a couple of months.

But even being away, when she sees me (when I visit her) she takes mental notes of what to copy.

I would like to dismiss it, but I can't. It's very very very annoying.

I understand she's very insecure and she admires my leadership. She even competed with me in the past, when I was living with them. I cooked sometimes for them (she doesn't like any food and to cook, but my father does) and he liked my food...she got competitive. She complained the food was bad, lacked this or that (and she's a terrible cooker). Or said she used to make that food and her friends loved it. Or that she doesn't do that because "your father doesn't like". This and that....after some days (and until today), she began cooking the same things I cooked... ouch....

Its no boundaries. She sees you as an extension of her. It will never end. Sorry! I had the same problem! You have my sympathy.

But how do you cope with it? I can't ignore it, I can't feel flattered, I can't pretend it's nothing. It's extremely annoying.
Since I will never stop her, how do you handle this very irritating thing without losing your mind? I look at her and see her desperate attempt to be me...it's SO annoying.
Sometimes I say I don't like something I do like, and that she's already copying, just to see if she stops wearing it.
But I'm not as convincing as when I wore that something.
It's like your mother showing up to your wedding wearing a wedding dress too, and one similar to yours. A form of flattery? No! It's disturbing like in "Single White Female".

Well, who's the boss here, you or her? The boss of YOUR life.

Go places where she can't follow you. Either dont tell her about things, or things that are simply above her intellectual level. Be secure in your own life.

I finally told my mother that it made me feel bad when she said she envied something i had - it made me feel like i had to give it to her, like a piece of clothing or whatever. She actually said - she was only saying it to make me feel good! That it should make me feel good to know i had something that somebody else wanted! I said, well not when its your mother.

So maybe try and find out if there is something like that going on.

I think it is sad (perhaps you could pity her?)....she is insecure and perhaps thinks if she is like you she will feel better about herself, but of course that doesn/t work. If it is possible, perhaps you could change how you feel about the situation.....feeling sad for her; I can only imagine how irritating it is.

I am SO SORRY that you have to deal with ALL OF THIS, walkingby! I understand how that would be annoying to you. Have you tried to have a serious talk with her about ALL OF THIS? I'd give it a try if you haven't already! I am so sorry that you're going through ALL OF THIS! I TRULY AM! It is good that you won't have to Live with Her for long at least. If she has no intention to change, at the very least you'll be able to get away from her if her behavior is upsetting you SO BADLY! I am TRULY, DEEPLY SORRY that you're hurting and struggling SO BADLY and that you're going through ALL OF THIS, I TRULY, REALLY AM! My advice would be to interrupt communication with her if she doesn't stop behaving like this. You have EVERY RIGHT to stand up for yourself! Feel free to PM me ANYTIME when you need someone to talk to or vent to or even simply advice and support! I am SURE PLENTY OF OTHERS will also GLADLY, KINDLY, BEAUTIFULLY, MARVELLOUSLY, GENEROUSLY, ALTRUISTICALLY, WISELY AND WONDERFULLY help you out as well if you just ask! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you and your Mother, @walkingby, your Family, your Friends and ALL Of Your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking! I am TRULY, DEEPLY SORRY that you're hurting and struggling SO BADLY and that you're going through ALL OF THIS!

I'm pretty sure she would deny it, even if she was dressed just like me on that day. I love her very much. I will not avoid her just because of this.
Yes, as soon as I leave, she will lose access to my personality and products. And I will not be this irritated. But when I see it happening argh!

I hid the body lotion and the rest of my stuff in my bedroom. But I feel so mean. Selfish. I'm her daughter. She gave me everything I needed anytime I needed. If there's only one slice of bread left in the world, she lets me eat it, if I'm cold she gives me her jacket, if I want to dress or borrow something from her, she has no problem at all with it - the difference is that I can dress any of her clothes with my own style, not to copy her (which I'm sure she would love if I did). This woman does everything for her kids. She's very kind and patient, but this imitating thing...gosh.
I never found a solution in other forums. I googled this copycat thing before several times and all I see is the copycatted been annoyed like I am, and people saying take it as a form of flattery, or the case is very different, and the mother is also narcissistic and defying, or tell them to confront the copycatter...
I guess theres's no real solution. She obviously won't stop it - I'm not even sure she's aware that she does this. What coudl I say? "I don't like that you dress like me, wear the same products, repeat my jokes and theories, cook the same things I cook, because I think you are disrespecting my individuality by making yourself a copy of it" ( I don't even know what I feel...). She would say "What? Are you crazy? I like this and that, I always liked, always used it...." Just like she says with her hair color. How many times have I confronted her with the hair dye. She wants to convince me that she always used that color, it just got lighter now, for unexplained reasons...Not only she doesn't admit she started buying my hair color, she also doesn't feel embarrassed and stops wearing it. She could admit to herself and slowly stop doing it, but no. Now she also wants the highlights. (She never liked to see herself with light hair, she made fun of highlights and even today she said "everyone wants to be a blonde nowadays", to which I immediately replied: "Says someone who just dyed her hair light brown...". "That's different". Yes, I know, you don't want to be blonde, you want to be me!
I can't force her to go back to her things, I'm trying to ignore her hair, that is right in my face, the rest I will selfishly hide. Who cares. I need my sanity.

Well I think for your own sanity now just accept she is going to continue to do this ... maybe it will prompt you to make a move out of her home sooner?

I know this is annoying the hell out of you but in the big scheme of things ??? This is just a tiny bit of time

Maybe she’s really struggling with her own identity , your grown now, maybe she feels kinda of lost , like ok my daughter has grown up , what do I do now????

Instead of focusing on how annoying she is maybe have a conversation about how she feels ? Is she sleeping well? Maybe this is a hormonal deal , not sure of ages but many women deal with menopausal stuff younger and younger.

So you have nothing to lose by letting the focus be on her for a while. You don’t know what she might be struggling with, so hey ! put your mom first in conversations.

Just a thought

Over from the DID forum, maybe she knew that I dissociate even having one. Some of mine are to never the know the body's core or children. Some thing have to be done along just an principle that most of live by anyway like showering because we aren't with crutches or wheel chairs.

To the poster's point

I guess just acknowledge your mother at certain cellphone pick ups.

I'm sorry that you are struggling right now.