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themadperhaphs
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Default Oct 05, 2019 at 06:50 PM
  #1
Hi all,
this is my first post here so I am not really sure how it works but lets give it a try.
I have been suffering from depression for maybe a year now but it has gotten pretty intense over the last 6 months. I have constant mood swing and cry a lot.
However, the only thing that circulates in my mind is the thought of revenge. I want revenge for every single person that has disrespected me and crossed me in any way.
So- anyone with similar feelings? Maybe tips on how to deal with it ?

Last edited by atisketatasket; Oct 08, 2019 at 09:14 PM.. Reason: guidelines
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Default Oct 09, 2019 at 06:45 AM
  #2
Hi @themadperhaphs:
I understand the almost addictive feeling of wanting revenge. It can consume you. But I wanted to caution you about wanting it. Truly, it never solves anything and will never make you feel better. The feelings that lead to revenge- resentments need to be resolved by you. In order to heal you have to find a way to make peace with whoever and whatever wronged you and exacting revenge will not give you that peace.
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Trust is important in any relationship and critical for cooperative societies. When you are thinking about revenge, it usually means you believe trust has been broken. Remember, while the anticipation of revenge may feel pleasurable, the actual carrying out of revenge brings little satisfaction and may create more problems and suffering. Acts of revenge do not repair trust or restablish a sense of justice for both parties.
Revenge: Will You Feel Better? | Psychology Today
Quote:
Originally Posted by themadperhaphs View Post
Hi all,
this is my first post here so I am not really sure how it works but lets give it a try.
I have been suffering from depression for maybe a year now but it has gotten pretty intense over the last 6 months. I have constant mood swing and cry a lot.
However, the only thing that circulates in my mind is the thought of revenge. I want revenge for every single person that has disrespected me and crossed me in any way.
So- anyone with similar feelings? Maybe tips on how to deal with it ?

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NoneSt
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Default Oct 10, 2019 at 02:53 AM
  #3
Hi your message made me think of a book I am reading (adult children of emotionally unavailable parents). They talk about externalizers there (= people who were not given enough love in their youth and now seek the cause of the lonely feeling externally). This may be hard to read or accept as true, but the only thing you have control over is you. It would be in your best interest to learn to forgive (this does not mean accepting bad behavior, rather accepting that people can do cruel things to eachother and that you were on the receiving end. Consider your past as a learning ground to which kind of behaviors you will not tolerate or accept, set those boundaries and simultaneously accept that some people might breach those boundaries regardless of how firmly they were set. These are the people you want to cut out of your life (or avoid as much as possible).

I know, easier said then done. If you are struggling, you could consider getting some professional help,

Sorry if I have upset you with this message, ...
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Default Oct 10, 2019 at 08:15 AM
  #4
I struggle with this a lot. My ex-wife, who has spent her adult life trying to turn our son against me (successfully. I might add). A former boss who discriminated against me when my mental illness was first diagnosed. Tons of 'friends' and 'family' who totally abandoned me when I got sick and couldn't make them any more money or do anything for them anymore. The list is long. What do I want? I want them to know what they did was wrong. And that they damaged me.

But the reality is, that isn't very likely to happen. So, what do I do? I can't go on obsessing about revenge. It's too toxic. I don't want to be angry and bitter, it's just not a good place for me. It is as @sarahsweets has said, revenge fantasies and revenge itself does not bring peace.

For me, acceptance brings peace. I am working on accepting all these things that have happened to me. I am not saying I have forgiven everyone because I haven't. Sorry. But I can accept what has occurred and that is enough for me to feel better and to get out of my bitterness and anger.

Not sure if any of this will help you, but I hope that maybe some part of it might. You have to come to terms with your anger and resentment. Then, you will feel better. I wish you good luck and peace.

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themadperhaphs
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Default Oct 10, 2019 at 08:23 AM
  #5
How do you accept it? Aren't you angry that these people will go on with their lives while you will stay impacted?
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Default Oct 10, 2019 at 07:49 PM
  #6
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How do you accept it? Aren't you angry that these people will go on with their lives while you will stay impacted?
Exactly! Yes! I am not happy that, for example, my old boss just prances along in his perfect little life, oblivious to the fact that what he did to me in 2001 was illegal, unethical, and amoral. I could use other words, but this is a family site. I am still angry at my ex-wife for an abundance of things: we got divorced in 2008. And I am angry at my most recent partner of ten years because she stole an absolutely ungodly sum of money from me and repeatedly cheated.

The problem is, being in that place of anger and I-am-going-to-make-you-pay actually doesn't make me feel good. It feels terrible, to me. As a guy with a massive mental illness history and years (yes, years) spent in the hospital, my goal is peace. I would like to be in peace as much of the time as possible. So, how to do that?

Well, I was actually practicing this last night. Understand that, while I have taken CBT and DBT and REBT and Shame Resilience (Brenee Brown) and studied Buddhism and I could go on, I am no guru. I am just a patient like the rest of us. So anyway, here's what I did.I pictured my old boss. I thought about what he did. And then I said to myself, 'I accept that Neil S. discriminated against me and mistreated me. I accept that he broke the law. That he was mean to me and took advantage of me financially. I accept that all these things happened because they did.'

So I said that. And I sat with it. And breathed. I like breathing. Then, I said: 'To want revenge against Neil is to deny reality. Because all these things did happen. They already happened. It's over. Getting revenge won't change that. Nothing can. What I need to do is accept what happened. More breathing.

Then, I said to myself: I accept that Neil mistreated me. I accept that that, in fact, occurred.

And then, I suddenly felt much, much better.

I did this little thing with a number of the items on my gripe list and I felt better every single time. For me, acceptance is the answer to all my revenge fantasies. It makes me feel good. I don't have to worry about all these people anymore. I can just take care of me.

No idea if any of this will resonate. Your goals in life may be different than mine. As I said, my major goal is peace. So, everything I do is with that in mind. At the end of the day, nothing I do now is ever going to change the way these people live their lives. They have their own thing going. I just need to focus on me. I need to take care of me. That's more than enough to do.

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Default Oct 10, 2019 at 08:32 PM
  #7
This is a tough one. I try to think of feelings like anger, bitterness or revenge as a poison that I take just to spite someone else. It’s never going to hurt someone else. It will only hurt me. I hope you feel better soon.
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Default Oct 11, 2019 at 12:51 AM
  #8
I also get stuck in revenge thinking. Imagining killing them. But like the other post said it wont change anything, but doesnt stop the thinking. Sometimes its good sometimes not.
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Default Oct 11, 2019 at 06:25 AM
  #9
I get this a bit, not with everyone who has wronged me, but a few people. With me it's like I want to hurt them back, almost like what I am feeling is so horrible I want them to feel it too. Except they can't. It's mine alone.

It feels to me sometimes like intrusive thoughts which I understand can be part of depression. I notice when I am well these 'wrongs' don't matter to me nearly enough.

Depression truly is awful. I agree with others, taking care of yourself is the answer, and in time maybe these feelings will ease.
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