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Member Since Sep 2019
Location: Venus
Posts: 4
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#1
Hi everyone, this is not my first post on this forum, although I did have my first deleted because it was way too long. Anyway, I've revisited this place a few times and it seems like a great place to express inner thoughts. I'm not really seeking advice, but would love to have an open discussion on something I noticed within myself with others who might relate.
I came across this term for the first time two days ago: "retroactive jealousy" (the inability to get over your partner's past). Have you ever experienced this? I will explain what led me to discovering this term. Well, I have never been the type of person to care in any notable capacity about my partners' former relationships. I've been in 4 relationships, and exes or sexual history never mattered much, until now. My most recent ex came back into my life about 3 months ago. We were in a long term relationship a few years ago, and had reconnected once before post our break up. The first time we reconnected he had had sex with about 5 different ppl. That never mattered. This time around, the number is 2, 1 girl he had a 1 year long relationship with, the second was someone he briefly dated. What I have realized, is that slowly, though I did not care initially, the idea that he had a long term relationship has made being with him almost unbearable. Since our now second reconnection 2-3 months ago, the possibilities of us getting back together seemed higher and that's why my feelings got so deeply involved. As he would blurt out things about this former relationship, plaguing thoughts slowly crept into my mind. It began really, with sexual thoughts. These include imagining him and the girl together, in bed. This marked the beginning of my bout with retroactive jealousy. What happens is your imagination goes crazy, you picture them in varying positions, to the point that sex with your now partner, is not enjoyable because these thoughts then start coming to you while you're trying to get intimate. You also develop crippling curiosity. One night I woke up and felt I must ask my ex about every detail surrounding he and his exes' sex life. How many times, where, when, every possible position.. my brain told me I needed the information so that I wouldn't rely on my imagination again. But when I woke up later that morning, the topic never came up and (luckily) I couldn't bring myself to ask. ((Other people are not so fortunate)) As the days go by though, this spreads. Anything that is mentioned, can trigger some kind of visceral curiosity about him with his ex. Did they go to this restaurant that we just passed by? He said they went on an overseas trip, how much did he enjoy it? How did they spend the time? Did she know a lot of his friends... Family? You begin scouring social media . (Luckily for me again, there was hardly a trace of their relationship on SM. The girl also does not have any SM accts). I feel like, to others who have not experienced this, it might sound stupid and childish, but the uncontrollable thoughts can get pretty bad. For two weeks straight I came under intense anxiety and had suicidal thoughts.. they would wake me up in the middle of the night. I will say, that I have not allowed this to spiral out of control, though I have noticed a significant decline in my focus in the past 2-3 months. But based on what I've read and heard online, if the beast of curiosity is fed, retroactive jealousy can really take over a person's life. The thing for me is that, I don't think I would feel like this if this were a new relationship. I think what has triggered my thoughts are some of the things my ex has said, that have sounded like comparisons and drove me deep inside myself where seeds of doubt and curiosity were planted. Because of this, I have my own ideas about how retroactive jealousy truly starts, and how its not always the sufferers fault or self inflicted insecurity. It's ideas I haven't heard many talk about. Many people though, who suffer badly from this are in New relationships so I believe that it occurs on a spectrum. Has anyone experienced this to the point that they might be willing to have a discussion about it? |
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bshaffer836, Discombobulated
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#2
Hey @thebigmermaid
I found out that its sometimes called retrospective or retrograde jealousy Quote:
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Calypso2632, Discombobulated
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Calypso2632, Discombobulated
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