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Old 11-15-2019, 01:11 AM   #1
lady411
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Default He doesnít realize how verbally abusive he is

I knocked on the restroom door to tell him my stepdaughter (SR) wasnít listening to me about going to bed. But as soon as his 10yo daughter (SR) hears him yell back ďwhat the ****!Ē She runs for the hills and goes to her room. Unfortunately our 2yo and 10 month old cannot avoid the yelling.

It started off as a very pleasant family night. We had dinner. Kids got ready for bed. I did the usual nightly prayer with my 9yo daughter. My husband told SR she could eat in her room (favoritism) while he went to the restroom which is a no no for me so I told her Iíd accompany her in the kitchen so she could finish eating there. Afterwards she didnít want to go back to bed. So when I went to tell him he just let loose his anger and frustration out on me. Yelling his usual obscenities. I donít coward and cry about his verbal abuse anymore. I either respond with the same intensity (if the kids arenít around, which is rare) OR I try to remain calm and respond with firmness in what I believe in.

About 13 months ago we had what I might say one of the worst fights and in all the aftermath I made a decision that I would not be a victim (even tho at times I still feel like one). Since then I might go as far as to say that our ďmarriageĒ relationship has improved. But I canít help to think that the fire in this steaming pot was only lowered so as to not boil over. Without therapy, if things remain the same I fear that itís only a matter of time before the lid flies off and all hell breaks loose.
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Old 11-15-2019, 06:40 AM   #2
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Default Re: He doesnít realize how verbally abusive he is

Hello lady411,

It sounds like a pretty rough situation. I am sorry to hear you are going through all this. You sound like a pretty self-aware person so I commend you for this. You're point about seeing where the future is heading without a therapist is very insightful too.

It sounds like there is a lot of tension and without a change in course it is possible the relationship will only go further downhill. As you stated, going to a therapist would be one way to try to change things up.

Just a thought, have you ever sat down to discuss these concerns with your husband? Pride and honor plays a very big role for many men. A private conversation between you two may really help the situation. Verbal abuse can many times be a way for men to act out due to subconscious power struggles. He may not mean to hurt you emotionally, just establish some control.

You mentioned you both disagree on certain parenting strategies. This seems to come out and affect you both - but also your kids. Kids need to see consistency between their parents as a whole and consciously or subconsciously I believe you both know that. A serious discussion over a nice night out or even at home can go a long way to help create some compromises between you two.

While these ideas are definitely not a quick fix to the overall issue they can definitely help. You both have a long process ahead of you to repair the relationship but if you both try to work on it the benefits will start to show pretty fast.

All the best,
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Old 11-15-2019, 11:21 AM   #3
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Default Re: He doesnít realize how verbally abusive he is

Quote:
Originally Posted by lady411 View Post
I knocked on the restroom door to tell him my stepdaughter (SR) wasnít listening to me about going to bed. But as soon as his 10yo daughter (SR) hears him yell back ďwhat the ****!Ē She runs for the hills and goes to her room. Unfortunately our 2yo and 10 month old cannot avoid the yelling.

It started off as a very pleasant family night. We had dinner. Kids got ready for bed. I did the usual nightly prayer with my 9yo daughter. My husband told SR she could eat in her room (favoritism) while he went to the restroom which is a no no for me so I told her Iíd accompany her in the kitchen so she could finish eating there. Afterwards she didnít want to go back to bed. So when I went to tell him he just let loose his anger and frustration out on me. Yelling his usual obscenities. I donít coward and cry about his verbal abuse anymore. I either respond with the same intensity (if the kids arenít around, which is rare) OR I try to remain calm and respond with firmness in what I believe in.

About 13 months ago we had what I might say one of the worst fights and in all the aftermath I made a decision that I would not be a victim (even tho at times I still feel like one). Since then I might go as far as to say that our ďmarriageĒ relationship has improved. But I canít help to think that the fire in this steaming pot was only lowered so as to not boil over. Without therapy, if things remain the same I fear that itís only a matter of time before the lid flies off and all hell breaks loose.
I'm sorry that you are struggling right now. Have you enforced boundaries?
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Old 11-22-2019, 03:16 PM   #4
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Default Re: He doesnít realize how verbally abusive he is

Thank you Gordenling for all your very thoughtful advice. I have expressed to him all my concerns. Maybe sometimes itís just been bad timing because sometimes it turns into an even bigger argument where weíre both just yelling at each other. Iím hoping that we can soon talk about some of our issues.

I agree that children need consistency but itís just so difficult with blended families. Even tho our daughters are only a year apart, we still struggle to have consistency. Because he works most of the day and I stay home with the kids, I am left with most of the disciplining which is very difficult with my stepdaughter.

We havenít had an opportunity to talk about it but we made peace with each other. I know we love each other very much. We just need to find better ways to communicate with each other (when we actually do communicate).
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Old 11-22-2019, 03:22 PM   #5
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Default Re: He doesnít realize how verbally abusive he is

Buffy01 Iím not sure what you mean. What type of boundaries are you speaking of: yelling, parenting my stepdaughter, house rules? I have set some boundaries as to what level of communication is okay with me. But that doesnít seem to work. He still ends up yelling and I end up yelling.
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Old 11-22-2019, 06:38 PM   #6
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Old 11-22-2019, 09:00 PM   #7
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Default Re: He doesnít realize how verbally abusive he is

Quote:
Originally Posted by lady411 View Post
Thank you Gordenling for all your very thoughtful advice. I have expressed to him all my concerns. Maybe sometimes itís just been bad timing because sometimes it turns into an even bigger argument where weíre both just yelling at each other. Iím hoping that we can soon talk about some of our issues.

I agree that children need consistency but itís just so difficult with blended families. Even tho our daughters are only a year apart, we still struggle to have consistency. Because he works most of the day and I stay home with the kids, I am left with most of the disciplining which is very difficult with my stepdaughter.

We havenít had an opportunity to talk about it but we made peace with each other. I know we love each other very much. We just need to find better ways to communicate with each other (when we actually do communicate).
There is a lot going on here. It might really help to see a family counselor if you can to sort through how to disagree without yelling. It really does take practice (I'm sure there are some good articles here on PC and I know there are people who can relate to your situation and found a way forward)
Sometimes, an outside ear can really help.
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Old 12-02-2019, 09:33 PM   #8
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Old 12-03-2019, 01:34 AM   #9
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Default Re: He doesnít realize how verbally abusive he is

Yelling and screaming and using obscenities in the house full of young impressionable children is abusive. If you donít want to leave itís your choice but Iíd get children out of there. They donít choose to live this way and deserve better. They are enduring emotional damage and unfortunately you set up their lives for them. They likely to choose abusuve partners for themselves. How sad
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Old 12-03-2019, 10:07 AM   #10
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I second what divine says. The children pick up on this even the young ones. They in turn can grow up to pick bad partners. No matter what your strategy is it is affecting the kids.
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