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Default Nov 15, 2019 at 11:46 AM
  #1
Need help figuring out way to cope with being excluded from holidays with boyfriend of 10 years. We are 61 so not spring chickens. It is painful to me and over last few years since this started I have tired to find ways to deal with this and have found myself wanting to pull away for the entire time period of holidays nov-jan. I don’t even want to see him or talk to him because I want to distance myself from reminders of how he feels and his choices

We used to spend them as a couple, make mutual decisions, share time between families. Then suddenly what will be five holiday seasons ago , his mother fir reasons totally Unknown to me (and yes I have asked repeatedly, have reached out to her with no response etc ) She decided she didn’t like me anymore and apparently will not allow me to accompany him to her home or at holidays etc

He has taken the position he “has” to be with her becuase he’s all she’s has etc etc. I can accept that even though it hurts. What I can’t understand or accept is the following change in his behavior. Previously for instance if he had the four days off for thanksgiving, we would alternate years with spending thanksgiving day with each itches family, and then if we spent thanksgiving day with mine, we would go together to his moms on Saturday, spend the night and do something special with his mom. (She lives about an hour from us) christmas we would spend Christmas Eve with my family becuase that’s when my parents got everyone together then would spend Christmas morning alone together then go down to his moms for Christmas Day and spend the night for at least one night.

But now since his mother’s change towards me, without discussion without explanation just planned the first year in his own to go to his moms alone for all 4 days of thanksgiving vacation and then spends about 5 days at Christmas with her taking time off from work to do so. He leaves the day before Christmas morning of Christmas Eve or even the day befire.
After first year I told him how hurt I was, how confused I was etc but then he just did the same thing again the next year. I was even more hurt and upset that he was doing it again knowing how hurt I was and still no valid reasons for the change in our relationship becuase of her attitude.
I told him I could understand and accept he can’t change his moms mind and that I can accept I can’t go to her place with him, but in my opinion that’s all that should change. Why was he now spending all his time , MORE time with her now and no longer spending the rest with me and or my family at all. I actually would have liked to see him spend more time with me since now we couldn’t be together the whole time, but instead he cut me out totally and as now ONLY spending time with her. It made and makes no sense to me. This will now be the 5th season he’s handling things this way.
To me it feels as if he is tying to show her that if she doesn’t like me he won’t choose me either and will show his loyalty to her by him also excluding me totally to “prove” she’s his first love, first choice etc and to side with her to exclude me too.

So any way I feel so hurt and angry that I have a hard time being around him at all during the holiday season. It’s just too painful and reminders of what he’s doing and how he’s treating me.
I once again feel I just want to distance myself from him the whole holiday season because I’m just in too much pain about the situation but nit sure if that is just immature, self serving etc.
I can’t get any real information or explanation just that he “has” to do this and “this is how it is”.

I want to be mature and not care, accept whatever he wants to do , not be bothered that he doesn’t care if it hurts me, nit care if he excludes me totally in making plans and Ipthen in the actual activities etc etc and follow all that kind of advice but I find I can’t deal with it and the only thing I can think of is to distance myself from him totally from nov. to jan. (We used to live together but haven’t for several years but spend every evening after work together and all weekend at my home)

I’m wondering if anyone has ideas of how to deal with this without just pulling away and distancing myself from him during the holidays to deal with my huge pain and hurt about all this.
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Default Nov 16, 2019 at 07:21 AM
  #2
I am so sorry you are going through this. Are you absolutely sure the idea of you not being invited is coming from his mother and not from him? Maybe his Mom is feeling in the middle. Maybe your boyfriend is using his mother as an excuse.

But any rate... it’s not fair that he’s leaving you at arms length. It’s not healthy for you. You deserve someone who loves you unconditionally and includes you in important events, like the holidays. I know it’s hard to move on, but if it keeps getting worse instead of better and he is distancing himself farther and farther away, that’s not a normal or healthy relationship.

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Default Nov 16, 2019 at 11:15 AM
  #3
It seems to me that he's not respecting you and your boundaries. Can I ask you how is the relationship going with him outside of ALL of this? Does he treat you well? It seems weird to me that someone who loved his Girlfriends would do this to her. I'd reconsider your relationship and do a Pro and Cons List. Of course also see if you can talk about ALL of this with him. Please be kind to yourself. You deserve to be loved! Do NOT put up with ALL of this! You deserve better! You deserve much, much better than ALL of this! Wishing you the best of luck with whatever you'll do! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Gfofaddict, your Family, your Friends, your Boyfriend and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking no matter what happens, ok?!
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Default Nov 17, 2019 at 09:00 AM
  #4
It seems to me that you have tried very hard to both accommodate him and to find out why the holiday schedule has changed. And, it sounds like he has refused to acknowledge your feelings (valid), thank you for making the effort to understand, or respond in a useful way to your concerns. IF the rest of the year is good, I would suggest (instead of banging your head against this wall) that you, if you are able, do find a place(places) to go for the holiday season (a vacation plus seeing your family? away with a friend?)---be scarce and enjoy yourself. If there are other persistent issues, consider talking to a counselor even if he won't join you so that you can problem-solve for your own sake. ((((((((((((((((hug))))))))))))))) I know how painful that kind of stonewalling is.

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Default Nov 17, 2019 at 12:47 PM
  #5
How is he towards you the rest of the year? I would feel hurt if an SO did this to me. I would honestly sit down and chat with him. I would consider speaking to a counsellor on your own to gain insight and problem solve for yourself. This must be difficult and I'm so sorry you are going through this.
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Default Nov 17, 2019 at 08:17 PM
  #6
I only know it’s originating from his mom since I have tried emailing, sending her a card and then mailing a letter and never received a response of any type from her.
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Default Nov 17, 2019 at 08:24 PM
  #7
Thank you all for your responses. I have tried talking to him but all he says is “he hates talking about issues “ or just says I do t know to every question I ask him. The time he spends with me he focuses on me, he always texts or calls several times every day if we don’t see each other is very lovey Dovey and sweet ( but sex is another issue, he barely wants it like once a year now, and same as the mother issue, holiday issues, there’s no response, explanation etc from him regardless of how i state my concerns, what questions I ask etc. ) we dated for awhile in high school and I was good friends with his sister back then, we reconnected about 12 years ago and been together ten and a half now ) but yes he is not respecting me or our relationship at all, he is prioritizing his childhood family and his mother and putting her first and he says flat out he is. He just tells me to accept it, that’s what I’m having a hard time doing. 😕
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Default Nov 17, 2019 at 08:48 PM
  #8
Oh and I do have two adult children and grandkids so I do have people to “spend time” with . But the situation with him still hurts and I just find with this being the 5th year he hasn’t cared, that I just can’t even bring myself to be talking to him during this time because I’m too hurt and angry to really be friendly, happy, loving towards him so then he’ll complain about that and it wouldn’t be much fun for me either. But I just didnt want to seem petty, I’m really not, I just really can’t personally handle it and am trying to do what’s best for me . I guess I’m wondering if it just seems ridiculous of me to not hang out etc if I know it will just be a painful time for me
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Default Nov 18, 2019 at 06:43 PM
  #9
I actually cursed out loud in the middle of my living room when I read your post. It made me angry.

You deserve much better than this. I would echo the idea that he may perhaps be passing off onto his mother what are, in fact, his own feelings and position, those which he is not brave enough to take credit for, himself. Teenager stuff. Just a thought. In any event, this just smells and feels bad to me. I think you are being manipulated and mistreated. What you choose to do about that is up to you. Wishing you all the best.

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Default Nov 19, 2019 at 02:50 PM
  #10
Thank you! Funny you mention the teenager stuff, right now I feel as if I am dating a 16 year old that still lives at home in his nuclear childhood family.!
Thank you all for your comments, they have made me feel MUCH better and confident about how I’m feeling. Gives me the confidence to move forward with the holiday season and feel good enough To make lots of plans with my kids and grandkids. I was stewing inside my head about whether I was just being silly with my thoughts, feel so much better now, feels like a weight has been lifted!
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Default Nov 19, 2019 at 09:49 PM
  #11
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Originally Posted by Gfofaddict View Post
Need help figuring out way to cope with being excluded from holidays with boyfriend of 10 years. We are 61 so not spring chickens. It is painful to me and over last few years since this started I have tired to find ways to deal with this and have found myself wanting to pull away for the entire time period of holidays nov-jan. I don’t even want to see him or talk to him because I want to distance myself from reminders of how he feels and his choices

We used to spend them as a couple, make mutual decisions, share time between families. Then suddenly what will be five holiday seasons ago , his mother fir reasons totally Unknown to me (and yes I have asked repeatedly, have reached out to her with no response etc ) She decided she didn’t like me anymore and apparently will not allow me to accompany him to her home or at holidays etc

He has taken the position he “has” to be with her becuase he’s all she’s has etc etc. I can accept that even though it hurts. What I can’t understand or accept is the following change in his behavior. Previously for instance if he had the four days off for thanksgiving, we would alternate years with spending thanksgiving day with each itches family, and then if we spent thanksgiving day with mine, we would go together to his moms on Saturday, spend the night and do something special with his mom. (She lives about an hour from us) christmas we would spend Christmas Eve with my family becuase that’s when my parents got everyone together then would spend Christmas morning alone together then go down to his moms for Christmas Day and spend the night for at least one night.

But now since his mother’s change towards me, without discussion without explanation just planned the first year in his own to go to his moms alone for all 4 days of thanksgiving vacation and then spends about 5 days at Christmas with her taking time off from work to do so. He leaves the day before Christmas morning of Christmas Eve or even the day befire.
After first year I told him how hurt I was, how confused I was etc but then he just did the same thing again the next year. I was even more hurt and upset that he was doing it again knowing how hurt I was and still no valid reasons for the change in our relationship becuase of her attitude.
I told him I could understand and accept he can’t change his moms mind and that I can accept I can’t go to her place with him, but in my opinion that’s all that should change. Why was he now spending all his time , MORE time with her now and no longer spending the rest with me and or my family at all. I actually would have liked to see him spend more time with me since now we couldn’t be together the whole time, but instead he cut me out totally and as now ONLY spending time with her. It made and makes no sense to me. This will now be the 5th season he’s handling things this way.
To me it feels as if he is tying to show her that if she doesn’t like me he won’t choose me either and will show his loyalty to her by him also excluding me totally to “prove” she’s his first love, first choice etc and to side with her to exclude me too.

So any way I feel so hurt and angry that I have a hard time being around him at all during the holiday season. It’s just too painful and reminders of what he’s doing and how he’s treating me.
I once again feel I just want to distance myself from him the whole holiday season because I’m just in too much pain about the situation but nit sure if that is just immature, self serving etc.
I can’t get any real information or explanation just that he “has” to do this and “this is how it is”.

I want to be mature and not care, accept whatever he wants to do , not be bothered that he doesn’t care if it hurts me, nit care if he excludes me totally in making plans and Ipthen in the actual activities etc etc and follow all that kind of advice but I find I can’t deal with it and the only thing I can think of is to distance myself from him totally from nov. to jan. (We used to live together but haven’t for several years but spend every evening after work together and all weekend at my home)

I’m wondering if anyone has ideas of how to deal with this without just pulling away and distancing myself from him during the holidays to deal with my huge pain and hurt about all this.
I'm sorry that you are struggling right now and that you have to go through this. Have you thought about dumping him? It sounds like he more of the problem than you. Please don't blame yourself because of him.
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Default Nov 19, 2019 at 09:50 PM
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Originally Posted by Kelly78 View Post
I am so sorry you are going through this. Are you absolutely sure the idea of you not being invited is coming from his mother and not from him? Maybe his Mom is feeling in the middle. Maybe your boyfriend is using his mother as an excuse.

But any rate... it’s not fair that he’s leaving you at arms length. It’s not healthy for you. You deserve someone who loves you unconditionally and includes you in important events, like the holidays. I know it’s hard to move on, but if it keeps getting worse instead of better and he is distancing himself farther and farther away, that’s not a normal or healthy relationship.

Hugs to you!!
That is great advice.
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Default Nov 19, 2019 at 09:51 PM
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It seems to me that he's not respecting you and your boundaries. Can I ask you how is the relationship going with him outside of ALL of this? Does he treat you well? It seems weird to me that someone who loved his Girlfriends would do this to her. I'd reconsider your relationship and do a Pro and Cons List. Of course also see if you can talk about ALL of this with him. Please be kind to yourself. You deserve to be loved! Do NOT put up with ALL of this! You deserve better! You deserve much, much better than ALL of this! Wishing you the best of luck with whatever you'll do! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Gfofaddict, your Family, your Friends, your Boyfriend and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking no matter what happens, ok?!
That is great advice.
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Default Nov 19, 2019 at 09:53 PM
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Originally Posted by winter4me View Post
It seems to me that you have tried very hard to both accommodate him and to find out why the holiday schedule has changed. And, it sounds like he has refused to acknowledge your feelings (valid), thank you for making the effort to understand, or respond in a useful way to your concerns. IF the rest of the year is good, I would suggest (instead of banging your head against this wall) that you, if you are able, do find a place(places) to go for the holiday season (a vacation plus seeing your family? away with a friend?)---be scarce and enjoy yourself. If there are other persistent issues, consider talking to a counselor even if he won't join you so that you can problem-solve for your own sake. ((((((((((((((((hug))))))))))))))) I know how painful that kind of stonewalling is.
That a great idea
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Default Nov 20, 2019 at 01:18 AM
  #15
Do you plan on getting married? I am just curious, judging by your age and life circumstances I am assuming this isnt an option. My mom is divorced from my stepfather, has been for years and is 66. Even when she had a long term BF she said she would never get married again so I get it.

I do not think this is ok and if you plan on staying together I think you should insist it changes or move on. Your love is someone you want to spend special occasions together with. If his mom actually hates you and decided to not let you participate then he could go to see her the day before or after thanksgiving and before or after christmas saving the holidays for you. Even if it means you are primarily spending time with each other and your family, it is his mom that has decided that things change not you. To plan extended vacations away from you is weird and hurtful but you have to set your expectations and boundaries about it and then hold him to it or it will never change. At this point let the focus of who changed the arrangements fall by the wayside. It doesnt matter if it was his mom or anyone else what matters is that he is abiding by it and cutting you out.

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Default Nov 20, 2019 at 11:49 AM
  #16
Sarah. I would marry again I’m not opposed to it. I do like that level of commitment etc. But of course it would have to be the right relationship to do so, won’t marry just to be married. My current bf as I can see is not emotionally available for that, for reasons I’ve stated here as well as many others.
I have to decide if I want more or am satisfied with basically just dating and having a very close “friend”. He says he loves me and is “ more committed” to me and the relationship than I realize. I personally feel it’s the opposite, he’s LESS committed than I realize, otherwise this holiday issue wouldn’t even be an issue.!
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Default Nov 21, 2019 at 12:45 AM
  #17
I had a really negative response to the statement that he doesn't talk about issues or his constant "I don't knows". This is stonewalling and is a main destroyer of relationships.

I wonder: Are you are better off with him or without him?
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Default Nov 21, 2019 at 10:28 AM
  #18
Yes, he is an expert stonewaller no doubt about it. Most of our arguments end up being about the fact he won’t engage in any discussion vs the initial issue. And needless to say no issues are ever resolved.
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Default Dec 02, 2019 at 07:44 PM
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Stonewalling. Grrrrrrrrrrr


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Default Feb 01, 2020 at 11:19 AM
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I had a really negative response to the statement that he doesn't talk about issues or his constant "I don't knows". This is stonewalling and is a main destroyer of relationships.

I wonder: Are you are better off with him or without him?
Good post @Bill3, thanks for all you share here and your wisdom.

People who repeatedly state “I don’t know” and who refuse to talk about issues are indeed stonewalling.

I wish the OP luck with strengthening their personal boundaries.


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